Yes, I Would Time Travel to 1889 to Kill Baby Hitler, but Would I Go Back in Time to Abort Fetus Hitler? Absolutely Not

Posted on by Kate Howard

The Holocaust is one of the biggest tragedies known to date. I heard somewhere between 100,000 and 6 million Jews were murdered! If I, a woman born in 1982, could do something to stop the Nazi regime from ever forming, I would absolutely do so. Specifically, I would time travel to April 21, 1889 to kill a one-day-old baby Adolf Hitler. You’d be evil not to. Now, would I go even further back in time to abort fetus Hitler? Of course not. That’s immoral and would condemn me to an eternity of torture and hellfire.

Everyone has a right to life, which is why abortion is wrong. Even though it’s clear in hindsight that baby Hitler chose to be a vile demon, let’s not blame fetus Hitler for that. Baby Hitler was a murderous, genocidal monster. Fetus Hitler, on the other semi-developed hand, had the potential to cure cancer! For that reason alone it would be wrong to use time travel to abort fetus Hitler. I wouldn’t want to play God or anything.

I would love to murder the shit out of tiny infant Hitler though. Let me make that perfectly clear. I’m honestly in favor of taking out anyone under five who gives me iffy vibes. Once that guy was born, I bet it was very easy to tell he was an evil little dude who would commit atrocious acts. And I’m all for people getting what they deserve. That’s why I support capital punishment. I’m not a hero or anything, I just have common sense.

What does make me a hero is my refusal to perform an abortion that would cause Hitler to never exist. Abortion is wrong and should be outlawed, plain and simple. It’s just a fancy term for murdering babies, which I am totally against except in the case of premeditatedly snuffing out a child in its first two months of life. Or capital punishment.

I hope to be an example for anyone struggling with their own moral dilemmas. Not every decision will be as clear-cut as this one, but with the right judgment, you too can travel through time sentencing evil babies to the death penalty.

What the Deaths of Countless Ukrainian Civilians Means for You at the Pump

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

At The Hard Times we want to make sure we give both sides of every story. In that spirit, we invited one of our right-wing relatives to write about the war between Russia and Ukraine.

Well, Russia invaded Ukraine so you know what that means. The carnage, the screaming, the mothers holding their children for dear life, and of course, rapidly changing gas prices. The only thing more volatile than the gas prices is that region! But seriously folks, here’s what countless Ukrainian deaths mean for you at the pump.

The current relationship between Russia and Ukraine is complicated and dates back to at least 2014 according to a brief Google search I did before writing this. But I’m not going to get into that here because, honestly, no one seems to really care. You know what other relationship goes all the way back to 2014? Me and my sweet 2010 Honda Accord and putting gas in that puppy is one issue I do care about.

I’m not a selfish person. For instance, I care about my neighbors. That’s why every time I hear screaming from the house next door, I take great care to invent a story in my head to justify not intervening.

Let’s go with a hypothetical. Let’s say one of Russia’s missiles mistakes a school for a bioweapons lab. That means more and more sanctions and that means money out of your pocket.  The old saying “The death of one man is a tragedy, the death of 10,000 men fucks me over every time I need to stop at an Arco” has never been more true.

If I had a genie in a bottle and he granted me three wishes I’d ask for crude oil prices to stay consistent, all refineries to operate in the most efficient way possible, and, of course, to not have any more obstructions on oil pipelines. You might be asking “why don’t you wish for world peace?” and that’s because war can be good for the economy and that might knock gas prices down a few cents.

Putin is a power-hungry mad man, but he’s clearly not thinking about the human cost of his war. And by “human cost” I mean the price I as a human pay for the cost of gas each week.

Dave Mustaine & Judy Blume Co-Write Young Adult Novel “Are You There Me? It’s Me Again”

Posted on by Aviva Siegel

NEW YORK — Beloved author Judy Blume and maligned Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine are set to become unlikely collaborators as they plan to coauthor the brand new YA novel “Are You There Me? It’s Me Again,” according to a press release from HarperCollins.

“Dave and his team approached us with the idea, and we were immediately sold,” said Jeff Rose, an editorial director with HarperCollins. “We wanted to explore this man’s misfit way of life, and the growing pains that come along with that. The book is a true exploration of a man getting back in touch with himself, his paranoia, his pain, the war inside his head… and we thought there was no better person to co-write the novel than famed author Judy Blume.”

Mrs. Blume discussed her experience with Mustaine, and the struggles involved with working together.

“When I was brought on to write this book with Dave, I didn’t exactly know who he was, but based on my initial interactions with him, I thought I might be collaborating with an angsty, teenage boy. So you can imagine my surprise in meeting a man in his late 50s,” said Blume, who seemed exhausted at the sheer thought of Mustaine. “He kept going on about someone named James Hetfield, and ended up punching a hole through the wall in my study. Honestly, I’m looking forward to the day when I can get back to writing about less emotional characters than Dave — pubescent teenage girls.”

Mustaine countered with his own journey through the writing process.

“Alex Jones really does have some good ideas. It’s a real shame they banned him off Facebook and Youtube. That’s what I call fascism,” ranted Mustaine when asked about his inspirations for the book. “Judy and I wanted to give readers insight into the real me: an aging, conservative, born-again Christian with millions of dollars in his bank account. I think that’s a character a lot of tweens can relate to.”

Mustaine later expressed his gratitude toward Blume for helping him with both the novel and learning about hormones and his ever changing body.

Report: PS3 Box Okay to Throw Out

Posted on by Danny Taverner

YOUR HOUSE — A new report commissioned by Sony states that the PS3 box you’ve been keeping in your closet since 2007, right next to that hoodie you no longer wear, is okay to throw out.

“The PS3 console, as well as the box it came in, was not intended to last more than three years before being traded in or thrown out,” stated Sony CEO, Kenichiro Yoshida. “Now we have more PS3 boxes on the streets than ever before. In the coming months we will begin rolling out our buyback program to ensure every PS3 box is destroyed. There’s no reason to hold onto the past like that. The fans need to move on.”

Gamers worldwide have preserved their PS3 boxes for a myriad of reasons including maintaining potential resale value, collecting user manuals and wires, propping open doors, squishing bugs, or having something to give your weird cousin when you forget his birthday. 

“This box is a piece of history,” reported one gamer, Cedric Holmes, who refuses to throw away his PS3 box. “This box has been such a big part of my life for over a decade. It has been a constant reminder of better times. Times when you could play Tony Hawk’s Project 8 all night long and when my parents were still married.”

The current resale value of a working PS3 hovers around $100. With the original packaging, two controllers, and half a dozen games, that amount skyrockets to $110. 

“The true value of a video game console lies not in the original packaging, but in the product’s working condition,” stated Regina Nash, an Antiques Roadshow appraiser, who specializes in electronics. “I can promise any gamer out there who might be hesitant about throwing away their PS3 box; in no way will the resale value be diminished.”

Nash, who is also a gamer, revealed that she too has kept her PS3 box in temperature-regulated storage all these years, “I didn’t spend $600 on this box to just throw it away 14 years later.”

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Photo via Michel Ngilen.

Jimmy Eat World! Saves the Day! Phantom Planet! We Rank the Worst Band Acronyms

Posted on by John Danek

A lot of thought goes into picking the perfect band name. But many bands don’t consider how the resulting name’s acronym will reflect upon them throughout their careers. We decided to rank the worst band acronyms ever in the hopes that you and your band don’t meet a similar fate.

20. Saves the Day – Great, now I’m reminded that I’m out of herpes cream every time a banger from “Through Being Cool” comes up on shuffle.

19. Jimmy Eat World – There’s nothing wrong with being a Jew. But the all-caps nature of acronyms makes this feel aggressive. You’d never ask a friend “Did you see JEW last night?” unless you want to enter a “Who’s on First?”-style conversation about Matisyahu.

18. Foster the People – More like File Transfer Protocol, am I right???

17. Banner Pilot – I’m so sick of oil industry shills invading punk rock.

16. Saxon Shore – Yikes!

15. Black Sabbath – I got some B.S for ya, everything Sabbath put out with Dio. Burn!

14. Prophets of Other Planets – So no band actually has this name, but if they DID, it would be “poop.” Can you imagine?! Ridiculous.

13. Wu-Tang Clan – Every time I enter the 36 chambers, I remember the way our country changed on that fateful day when the World Trade Center fell. Never forget.

12. Phantom Planet – LOLOLOL PEE PEE! WHAT ARE YOU, 9? Grow up.

11. Taking Back Sunday – If you love basic cable so much, why don’t you just release an album of 90% Family Guy dialogue? Conan is still awesome though.

10. Code Orange Kids – I know they dropped the “Kids” years ago, but “COK” is almost “COCK” so please just let this be a gimmie, I need 20 of these and topped out at 17.

9. The Menzingers – It’s not very punk rock of you to trademark your own acronym.

8. The American Dollar – Have you ever met a Tad? Every single Tad I’ve ever met in my life did a bunch of blow in college and went down on my girlfriend when I was sick with the swine flu.

7. Veil of Maya – I’m going to VOM my lunch up if you keep churning out generic metalcore like it’s 2008.

6. The Promise Ring – Truly sad to be chasing clout by acting like you were on the Tonyhawk’s PRoskater soundtrack.

5. Built to Spill – Accidentally found this band while trying to get my K-pop fix, and now I need a therapist.

4. Black Mountain – Seriously, “Bowel Movement?” No one caught this? Their derivative brand of ripping off Black Sabbath hasn’t inspired me to have a bowel movement since 2008’s “In the Future.” That album rips though.

3. Escape the Fate – I just checked, and this ETF is down 22% on the NASDAQ.

2. Operation Ivy – False advertising alert! Write an Oi song, you bastards.

1. Corrosion of Conformity – Wait, maybe this one is closer to “cock” than Code Orange Kids.

Wow, we made it! Check-in next week for “Top 200 Album Covers With Phallic Imagery If You Kinda Squint and Turn Your Head to the Side.” unless I can find another job before the deadline.

Baby Sinclair: All Grown up and Feeling Nasty

Posted on by Dicky Stock

He may be 30 years old but he’s still the baby and you still gotta love him. As a child of the nineties, I loved when Baby Sinclair would hit Earl on the head with a frying pan. It was comedy gold, and when an old friend of mine casually mentioned that she knew him I begged her to introduce me. She was hesitant at first, insisting Baby was “a bit of a handful,” but eventually she relented and made the call. A week later we were having drinks at his bungalow in West Hollywood.

Baby greeted us with charisma and charm, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that he viewed us as something he ordered. For a few hours we sat in his hot tub drinking white claws and smoking cigarettes. Then, my friend and Baby Sinclair began to aggressively make out. Around 2 am she got tired and asked if I was ready to leave. Before I could answer, Sinclair assured her that he would get me a cab home. “The Night is still young,” he told me with an impish wink.

My heart began to race as she left. I’ve never hung out with a huge celebrity before and now it was just he and I.

Baby’s sexual advances towards me were immediate and bordered on the aggressive. I kept reminding him I’m a heterosexual male and he would cool down for a bit, but within 30 minutes he was begging me to do club drugs and asking me if I’ve ever played “mouth secrets.”

“Listen, I’m the baby, baby. I’ve got a dirty little secret. You’re not the mama and you’ve got to find a way to get it out of me. Anything goes”

I told him I was flattered but that wasn’t going to happen. That’s when he pulled a frying pan out of nowhere and begged me to hit him with it. “I deserve it for being bad!” When it was finally clear to him I was not game, he asked me if I wanted to watch porn on his big screen. “It’s women popping balloons with high heels,” he said, “real high-brow shit.” I declined the offer.

I was feeling pretty uncomfortable at this point. “I’m thirty years old, but I look twenty-one,” he said. “I take really fucking good care of myself. My lovers really appreciate it. I’m surprised you don’t want me to get you off with my feet.”

Around 4 am I told him it was time I got going and he gave me this long speech about how embarrassed he was. He told me he’s not usually like this and that he was going through a lot of “stuff” right now and feeling lost. I insisted it was fine. He hugged me and said “you’re a good man. Especially for putting up with my bullshit. You take care of yourself.”

I guess that “Dinosaurs” finale really fucked him up.

NSA Agent Braces Self as Woman Types “semicharmedlife lyrics” in YouTube for Ninth Time Today

Posted on by Krissy Howard

FORT MEADE, Md. — U.S. National Security Agent Dan Briggs mentally prepared himself for another four minutes of unadulterated sing-alongs today after watching Lynn Lozano enter “semicharmedlife lyrics” into the YouTube search bar again.

“At first I was just listening with audio, and when I heard the song play three times back to back, I didn’t really think much of it,” said Agent Briggs. “But then I enabled video and saw that she was looking at YouTube and typed ‘lyrics’ after the song title, at which point I knew I was completely fucked. I’ve seen this situation play out enough times to know that none of us is leaving until she gets this thing down, top to bottom, so I got some baby carrots and refilled my water and am taking care of myself as best I can.”

“It wouldn’t be as bad if she didn’t keep rewinding back to the meth lyrics part over and over,” he added. “She can’t seem to get those lines down, and it’s definitely not for a lack of trying.”

Fellow NSA agents report similarly excruciating displays of humanity in the name of securing the nation from possible threats of violence.

“I would say 90% of our day is spent being bored, and the other 10 is spent being disgusted by the limitless possibilities that arise when someone thinks no one can see them,” explained NSA Agent Marissa Miller-Chen. “Everyone thinks our job is so exciting — like we get to watch people having super hot sex all the time, or walk around naked in their apartments. But it’s mostly just people checking to see how old celebrities are on Wikipedia, and eating spaghetti in bed while plowing through a season of ‘90 Day Fiancée’ in one sitting. If we do stumble on someone watching porn, it’s definitely not from a POV that could be mistaken for anything remotely attractive. I usually just get up and floss my teeth.”

Lozano was outraged upon learning that her most personal moments are being compromised daily, and many citizens take her side.

“I know my phone is spying on me or whatever, but I didn’t realize that the government was actually watching my every move,” said Longmont, Colo. resident Beth McCready. “It’s so embarrassing to know they are seeing my first attempts at trying new dance moves to this song. If they only waited another two weeks to spy on me, they’d see a show they would never forget.”

Agent Briggs’ strength was further tested after being reassigned to a two-hour Improv 101 class held via Zoom.

Man Who Spent 270 Hours Playing Xenoblade Series Relieved it Meant Something

Posted on by Liam O'Malley

WANTAGH, N.Y. — Local gamer Lawrence Olson has reportedly breathed a sigh of relief following the announcement that the next Super Smash Bros. Ultimate DLC characters will be Pyra and Mythra from Xenoblade Chronicles 2, meaning the 270 hours he spent on the series meant something.

“These past few years have been really stressful for me,” Olson said. “I know a lot of people aren’t too thrilled about these fighters, but I spent about 6 months grinding blade affinity charts instead of getting my master’s degree. I really needed a win.”

Those close to the situation have said that Olson’s friends used to ignore him anytime he mentioned the game, but are now starting to show interest due to the Smash Bros. DLC announcement.

“I asked him why they went with such weird-looking characters. Surely there must have been non-waifus they could have chosen from,” Jared Knoble said. “Then he spent an hour telling me how they’re actually suicidal computer AIs guilted over the genocide they indirectly caused and that they glow when using ether energy. I just kept nodding. Still not sure what ether energy is or why one of them wears booty shorts, but I guess it’s hot.”

The most exciting thing about the reveal, according to Olsen, is the potential it holds for the series’ future.

“I was exposed to Xenoblade when Shulk was added in Smash 4,” Olsen said. “The more Xenoblade characters are added, the more people will keep wandering into this awful British spiderweb Nintendo’s weaved. Eventually, everyone will convince themselves that the characters are wearing the appropriate number of belts. That’s when my expertise makes me a valuable asset to a friend group instead of just the annoying guy who everyone wants to shut up. Fingers crossed we get there soon.”

“I think a lot of Xenoblade fans — myself included — are worried that Nintendo will abandon the series as they have with so many of their other franchises.” Olsen added. “But now like me, they’ve invested too many hours into this series and soon they’ll just keep making entries because they’re too afraid to admit they don’t actually know the plot either.” 

As of press time, Smash Bros. creator Masahiro Sakurai made a lengthy blog post to explicitly say that he will not be bailing out fans of the Bravely Default franchise.

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French Film Somehow Makes Even Less Sense With Subtitles

Posted on by Stephen Bell

COLUMBUS, Ohio — The French film “La Joie des Moineaux,” allegedly incomprehensible in its native language, is even more confusing for foreign viewers when watched with English subtitles, philistine sources confirmed.

“Sometimes the images on screen can speak for themselves, and you can kind of understand what’s going on. But after switching on subtitles for this pretentious garbage heap, I realized just how far off from the plot I was — I kept wondering if someone dosed my popcorn with LSD, but I was way too bored for that to be the case,” said viewer Erika Henning. “Before subtitles, I thought it was a mid-1960s rom-com about feeding ducks in the park… but they kept making references to some great robot war of 2032. Where the hell was that on the screen?”

“La Joie des Moineaux” director Wilfried Barrault did not understand how viewers were confused by the film’s intent.

“The meaning behind this film could not have been more obvious,” said Barrault, smoking one of those long cigarettes all French stereotypes enjoy. “We clearly foreshadowed the protagonist’s death at the hands of his lover with that 10-minute, extreme closeup of the petulant boy’s belt buckle. How they missed the anti-teleological meta textualism and revisionism presented by Aline’s decision to forgo her insulin is beyond me. It’s like the concept of post-hegelian appendectomy means nothing to these folks.”

However, the film’s localization team admitted that there were some troubles translating common French idioms.

“On second thought, maybe it was a mistake literally translating the phrase, ‘Stuck like a flatulent dog on the snail farm’ into English,” said localizer Fred Eagle. “Unfortunately, we ran into several similar issues — for instance, there’s no real English equivalent for the feeling you get when your mother discovers your liquorice fetish while taking a stroll down the Champs-Elysees.”

At press time, Henning was undergoing an existential crisis after watching a German film that literally made too much sense.

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