Cool Parents Let Kids Buy Stock At Home to Keep Them from Doing It Out on Wall Street

Posted on March 3, 2021 by Tony Morse

SCARSDALE, N.Y — Local mom Penelope Chapman is under fire today for letting her underage children buy stocks from home instead of waiting until they are old enough to legally trade on Wall Street, privileged sources confirmed.

“Yes, my husband and I allow our teenage son to safely execute stock transactions at home under our loving supervision. Why? Because when I was a kid, my authoritarian dad wouldn’t let me touch stocks, even though he routinely used offshore accounts to make trades in Grandma’s name based on confidential information he had about his law firm’s corporate clients,” Chapman bitterly recalled. “I finally did what all kids do: I lifted a few thousand dollars from my mom’s Hermès bag and went to Manhattan with some friends to shoulder tap for shares of an emerging tech company I read about in my dad’s email. We eventually found someone, but this goody-goody broker we asked threatened to call my mom and boomersplained how someone my age should be putting their money into some chickenshit, low-risk index fund with these anemic fucking numbers.”

“No child should ever have to experience something like that,” added Chapman, holding back tears.

The Chapmans’ “totally chill” attitude about minors swapping securities at their house has made their teenage son exceedingly popular among his peers.

“Everyone from school wants to be friends with me because my parents let me throw these badass stock trading parties in our basement that get totally lit,” bragged Sophomore Vance Chapman. “One of my new bros has to tell his parents that all we do is take bong rips and shots of Jager while we binge watch Asa Akira scenes on her Pornhub channel because he’s not allowed to manage his own investment portfolio. And my dad backs up his story! It’s so dope.”

Still, SEC attorney Walter Kowalski cautioned parents against getting too cavalier.

“These parents should know they’re putting themselves at risk,” the seasoned lawman warned. “I guess they see Kyle Rittenhouse’s mom get a pass for driving her son across state lines to murder people, so they think they’re okay to let their kids use memes to pump up some piece of shit stock on Reddit. Murder is one thing, but costing rich people money is another. So watch out.”

At press time, Vance was scrolling through Elon Musk’s Twitter feed looking for stonk tips.

Oh No: This Guy Wants To Take Me Hiking After I Lied About Enjoying Hiking

Posted on March 3, 2021 by Sophie Len

This guy asked me what I do in my free time and I fucked up and told him I really enjoy scenic hikes. I don’t even know why that came out of my mouth. Now he actually wants to take me hiking! What the hell does scenic mean anyway? Aren’t all hikes technically scenic?

Goddamit, I just wanted to sound interesting and down to earth. I didn’t think he’d actually believe me. No one says that and means it. Why can’t he be normal and just ask me out for a drink?

I’m so screwed. I don’t even own a pair of hiking shoes! Will my torn-up vans be good enough? I only own a shit-ton of leggings because they’re comfortable, not because I enjoy physical activity. I just like looking like I do.

Maybe I’ll just start training for it now. I’ll do a few pushups, I’ll practice my poker face and some breathing techniques. How long did David Blaine hold his breath? 17 minutes. Okay, and how long is this hike? AN HOUR! Oh yep, I’m definitely screwed.

Maybe he’s just being nice. I’m sure he’d rather us do something else. Something people with sound of mind do, like eat or go to the movies.

Oh god, I just checked his Instagram. He goes hiking every weekend! Does this mean he actually enjoys doing that? Wait―and he goes with his friends? No way. That’s a big red flag. I should just end it now. We are not a good match. We obviously have different values. Anyone who willingly walks uphill and invites others with them is clearly sick and sadistic. There’s no way I could be with someone like that.

He is really thoughtful though… and attractive. You know what? I’ll just tell him I already went hiking today and I’m super sore. That’ll buy me some time, and we could just get a beer instead.

Coheed & Cambria Tattoo Mistaken for “Deathly Hallows” Tattoo Results in Same Judgement

Posted on March 3, 2021 by John Danek

SAVANNAH, Ga. — Record store employee Ian Benedict endured yet another judgement by a customer yesterday, who thought his Coheed & Cambria symbol forearm tattoo was a Harry Potter “Deathly Hallows” tattoo, though experts agree clarification would have made no difference.

“As I handed her the receipt, her eyes locked on my Keywork tattoo,” recounted Benedict, who got the tattoo while attending the band’s “Neverender 12%” shows in 2008. “She rolled her eyes while walking away, and I heard a muttered comment about, ‘Where’s your lightning bolt scar, dork?’ I get it, they’re similar symbols and Harry Potter is way more popular than Claudio & company. I thought about correcting her, but couldn’t withstand her possibly making a crack about the long-ass album titles. Don’t get tattoos, folks.”

Diehard Harry Potter fans went to great lengths to distance themselves from the sci-fi geekiness of Coheed & Cambria’s “Amory Wars” universe.

“True Potterheads don’t listen to poser dork-prog like Coheed. What’s next, Dear Hunter-inspired piercings? Mars Volta-themed home decor? Grow up,” stated Linda “Professor Ophelia” Guerrero, head “professor” of Savannah’s Harry Potter Hogwarts & All fan club. “I prefer something with some edge, like Harry & the Potters. In fact, that’s really the only band I know. Most of the time I just listen to movie scores from the franchise and act out the actions in my bedroom like a normal person.””

Tattoo artists often struggle with the ethical dilemma of giving the client what they request, and knowing that they may subject the customer to a lifetime of ridicule.

“It breaks my heart every time some teenager walks into my shop past all the sick skulls and hearts and barbed wires on the wall, and asks for some pop culture logo or shitty band reference,” admitted a teary-eyed Danielle Abrams, tattoo artist at Pigment Tattoos. “You’re not going to like Marvel movies this much in 15 years, and that band is probably going to get outed as creeps. You can never go wrong with the classics, though — like this butterfly right above my coccyx, or maybe an entire Bible verse on your ribs.”

Benedict’s problems only worsened when another customer mistook his Nirvana smiley face hoodie for official “The Emoji Movie” merch.

Man Receives Emails From Taco Bell

Posted on March 2, 2021 by Collin Preciado

OLMSTED FALLS, Ohio — Local man Eric Anderle has reportedly received hundreds of promotional emails from Mexican-inspired fast food chain Taco Bell over the course of several years, according to sources close to him.

“We don’t understand why a healthy, well-rounded guy like Eric would do this to himself, but apparently he receives all of these Taco Bell emails on purpose,” said Anderle’s father, Brian, with tears streaming from his eyes. “It’s just hard to believe you could watch your own flesh and blood grow from infancy to adulthood only to recklessly give all of his personal information away to a taco corporation.

“Look, we’ve all been tempted to eat at Taco Bell after a night of intense, purposeful drinking, but what would drive someone to subject himself to those bland, repetitive promotional emails on a daily basis? Does he really need up-to-the-minute updates about the promotions and menu items available at his local Taco Bell franchise? You see a lot of things in this world, but this… well, it really makes me question everything.”

Despite widespread concern from the people in his life, Anderle’s decision to subscribe to the emails has reportedly received widespread praise throughout the Taco Bell corporate offices.

“This guy is putting my daughters through college. I’m not sure where my family would be without him,” said Taco Bell CEO Mark King.

At press time, a marketing copywriter at Taco Bell had reportedly begun hard-coding Anderle’s name into all of the promo email templates since he’s the only one subscribed to them anyway.

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This Machine Sends Articles From the New Yorker to Fascists

Posted on March 2, 2021 by Ben Friedman

Years from now we’re going to look back in this era of American history and examine what each and every one of us did to stem the tide of fascism. Did you just go about your day sipping coffee and singing folk songs while power-hungry bigots pushed their oppressive agendas? Or did you stand up and tell them you’re not going to have any of their tyrannical bullshit? You can count me in for the latter because this machine regularly sends fascists links to sternly written articles from the New Yorker.

Look, not all of us are going to be anti-fascist folk-gods like Woodie Guthrie. But what I lack in musical talent, I make up for with a subscription to the New Yorker and time on my hands. And baby, I wield both of ’em like an AR-15, which is another thing I’ll be sending you some articles about.

As my man Woodie said, “The times, they are a-changin'” and that’s still true today. The world is a different place than when he was making physical threats via the only genre that makes smooth jazz look tough. We’re fighting a digital war, people! Every time I log into Facebook, an endless sea of Trump-loving colleagues and adult intramural kickball acquaintances lay before me, firing off online salvos from “WWW.USA.EAGLE.RU” about how Trump is secretly still the President. That’s when I DM them a link to a 4,000-word think piece about the connection between QAnon and mental illness and spend the rest of the day standing in the mirror and asking my reflection for an autograph.

I sleep easy knowing I’m doing my part to smash the fash. You think it’s OK to keep migrant kids in cages? Boom! Enjoy this well-researched expose about detention camp abuse, 90% of which is hidden behind a paywall. Shitposting Ben Garrison cartoons? Suck on this pithy comic of two dogs talking about how they need to spay their owners. Pew! Pew! My arsenal is endless.

The war against tyranny is far from over and if we’re going to win this thing we need to focus on making real change. Primarily by copy and pasting links to articles written at an 11th-grade level.

Cool Landlord Just Asks for Reference, Recent Pay Stub, Willingness to Bend to Increasingly Unreasonable Whims With No Questions Asked

Posted on March 2, 2021 by Krissy Howard

SIOUX FALLS, S.D. — Cool landlord and champion of the working man Jenny Holmes is allegedly only asking for references, proof of employment, and a total unwillingness to say “no” to a series of demands from her, sources report.

“I know it’s not always easy out here for renters, which is why I do my best to make the process as simple and straightforward as possible,” Holmes said of the contractual agreements which finance several of her mortgages. “I ask for a reference to show me you’ll honor a lease, a recent pay stub so I know you’ll be able to make your rent, and a total lack of ability to establish personal and professional boundaries with me. I look for tenants who give off that vibe that they’re clean folks who respect noise levels after 10 p.m. and will consent to me storing my personal belongings in their back closet while I’m at my vacation home in Costa Rica, with 15 minutes notice.”

One of Holmes’ current tenants, Reggie Luiselli, is quickly learning that his landlord’s unreasonable requests likely will not end anytime soon.

“Everything started out fine, but about a month in she texted me and said she needs me to become ‘scent free’ because of some disease she has that makes her sensitive to smells even though she lives 15 minutes away,” Luiselli explained. “Then she started using my trash bins to toss out a ton of old rugs, and when I asked her to come look at this broken light fixture in my hallway, her ‘fix it crew’ came by three months later, called me a bitch, and left a bunch of Beast Ice empties in my sink. I’d move out, but breaking this lease will fuck my rental history. I wish an electrical fire would just burn this shithole to the ground every day.”

Despite frequent complaints about her inappropriate behavior, some who have rented from Holmes are grateful for the life lesson.

“Renting that one-bedroom from Jenny was definitely the worst 12 months of my entire life. But I have to say, I definitely learned a lot in that time about healthy boundaries, saying ‘no,’ and spotting someone’s unemployed adult son who is clearly taking pictures of a fence that was broken when I moved in,” said former tenant and person now well-versed in renter’s rights laws, Luka Evans. “Since I’ve been forced to learn these skills, I’ve avoided three disastrous relationships and got a raise at work, and it only cost me my entire security deposit, some bullshit ‘departure fee,’ and several co-pays to my therapist.”

At press time, Holmes announced that construction of her new dance studio above Luiselli’s apartment will begin this Sunday at 5:30 a.m., but doesn’t anticipate that it’ll be too noisy.

5 Bands You Must Listen to if You Want to See Your Family Alive Again

Posted on March 2, 2021 by Bobby Korec

With so much music out there these days, it can be hard to find the time to check everything out. Fortunately, we’re here to break into your home, tie you and your family up, and play you five bands you absolutely must listen to if you want to make it through this alive.

Granted, this home invasion got out of hand quickly but it’s for your own good. We’re merely holding you and your family hostage long enough to hear our highly-curated band recommendations. One false move and you’re a goner. Here are five bands you absolutely must listen to if you want to see your family alive again.

The Smiths – Sure, this gun to your head may seem a little unorthodox, but it’s how Morrissey would want his band exposed to new listeners. He says so at every live show so he must mean it. Looks like you’re through the first one! Nice work. That said, these jangly guitar hooks sound better on vinyl but someone doesn’t seem to own a record player. You’re lucky we’re not in a hipstery mood today or your brains would be all over your Panasonic six-disc CD player.

Neutral Milk Hotel – Don’t let this singer’s severely off-putting voice and those tactical zip ties around your wrists distract you, this band is intricate. It’s not every day a band writes a whole album about Anne Frank. Granted, we didn’t make the connection ourselves, but someone told us that once and now we say it to everyone we kidnap.

American Football – Check out this American Football album cover. It’s just an off-center picture of a house. Legendary, right? This band completely revolutionized emo. Anyway, stop squirming and listen.

Sonic Youth – As someone who was a music theory major for a semester before dropping out of online community college, we’re more than qualified to break into your house and personally recommend this band to you. Sure, they may have influenced way more listenable bands, but they’re all phonies. And stop crying, we’re almost done.

Our Demo – And last but not least, our band’s demo. Honestly, this is the only one that really matters so listen up. We’re called Atrocity Kittens and we’re actually better live so we recommend checking us out in person after this whole “breaking and entering” thing blows over. The venues may open back up but they’re still gonna ask us to sell 15 tickets.

Metronome Clearly Speeding Up and Slowing Down

Posted on March 2, 2021 by John Danek

COVINGTON, Ky. — Neophyte bassist Braxton Reynolds came to the startling realization last week that his metronome apparently jumps wildly in tempo while he practices, the frustrated student reported.

“At first, I thought maybe it was me who had an inability to stay in time… but then I realized that it must be this piece of shit metronome my teacher Tad gave me,” declared Reynolds, who received his Squier Affinity P Bass for Christmas last year. “I have to use my phone to record me playing along with the metronome and send it to Tad, so I’m going to add a little note saying that the old ‘nome is broke. This is why I need nicer gear before I really spend time practicing.”

However, longtime bass teacher Tad Lee has heard every excuse in the book as to why gear is holding back students’ progression.

“Sometimes, it’s the metronome; other times the guitar won’t stay in tune; and sometimes my students claim that the equinox is making gravity feel weird and that’s what’s messing up their rhythm. No one ever wants to try pointing the blame inwards,” said Lee, who claims that his lifelong dream was to become a bass teacher in suburban Kentucky. “I listened back and Braxton’s metronome is fine. He just sucks. Terribly so. But I can’t risk losing another student to a Deadmau5 DJing Masterclass, so I’ll humor him and tell his mom that he’s progressing wonderfully.”

Wittner Gmbh, the German manufacturer of the metronome in question, did not take kindly to the casual slander of their company’s products.

“Vat is this?! A 1-star review on the Guitar Center vebsite from some yankee shit named Braxton?” shrieked longtime Wittner craftsman Hans-Jürgen Friedrich in a video posted to the company’s YouTube channel. “Ve demand an apology from Herr Reynolds, or scientific proof that the device in question is indeed defective. How dare you attempt to tarnish the spotless legacy of German engineering? We’re the country of BMW! Adidas! Countless manufacturers of high quality sexual pleasure devices!”

According to preliminary reports, Reynolds has ceased playing bass and has instead moved on to Soundcloud rapping while blaming his offkey singing on faulty Autotune.

Cash-Strapped Dave & Buster’s to Auction Off Dave

Posted on March 1, 2021 by Jordan Breeding

DALLAS — Amidst growing uncertainty and financial stress due to the COVID-19 pandemic, the cash-strapped restaurant and video arcade establishment Dave & Buster’s announced their decision Wednesday to auction off Dave.

“Look, I love Dave, and believe me we are doing everything we can to make sure he ends up in a loving home,” said co-CEO Buster. “If you know anybody, we’re really looking for non-smokers who are willing to let him out at least three times a day. You know, somewhere nice. Not like a fucking Applebee’s. We can pay in cash or a ton of Buster’s tickets. The company’s just called Buster’s now.”

Despite full cooperation from the Dave & Buster’s board, one of the largest hindrances to the upcoming auction could be Dave himself. Investors worry he won’t willingly leave the only home he’s ever known.

“You can’t just get rid of me! Look at everything I’ve built,” explained co-CEO Dave. “Like, every morning, our chef let’s me eat whatever leftovers I want from the day before. How the hell am I supposed to live out there on my own? It’s just ridiculous. I’m the guy who invented Skee Ball, for Christ’s sake! OK I didn’t actually invent it, but it was my idea to put it into the arcades. Actually, now that I think of it, it was Buster’s idea. But it was my idea to also include the balls!”

According to those familiar with the situation, even if Buster manages to coax Dave into the large van he has parked outside with the promise of more ham, long-time customers worry it may dampen the appeal of the iconic company who once sponsored a Bowling For Soup national tour.

“Things have been really rough recently. My local DnB has been closed since March, and Bowling For Soup hasn’t had a new album since 2016!” said Dave & Buster’s patron and self-proclaimed Soup-Brain, Gary Sondenheim. “But even still, Dave and Buster’s is an institution. Seriously, name a more iconic duo than Dave & Buster. I mean, other than Chris Burney and Jaret Reddick — the guitarist and lead singer of Bowling For Soup, respectively.”

As of press time, Dave was flat on his back in a sunny spot over by the Injustice arcade machine, as two men with large butterfly nets snuck towards him hoping to take advantage of the distraction.

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24-year-old to Be Tried As a Child

Posted on March 1, 2021 by Kyle Erf

MILWAUKEE — Local 24-year-old adult person Travis Parkes will be prosecuted in juvenile court next week after a judge’s ruling of, “I mean, look at this kid,” according to a statement from the Milwaukee County Courthouse.

“When I saw the police report refer to Parkes as an adult Caucasian male, I felt like something was wrong,” said the Hon. Amanda Woods, of the defendant’s recent arrest for forcible entry and burglary of a local convenience store. “This is clearly a boy, not a man — he broke into a gas station to steal a Pepsi and bag of Bugles. And he wasn’t even drunk. No adult would ever do something like this sober.”

“Once a preliminary investigation revealed Parkes still slept in his childhood bedroom and kept a collection of “cool rocks” found along local roads, we knew we had to take this as a juvenile case,” Woods added.

The unorthodox move is backed by recent neurological research, which showed the frontal cortex is not fully developed until age 25, or even later if you can avoid having a real job or getting pregnant.

“Strictly speaking in a biological sense, children are not adults until they develop the mental capacity to look back on their lives so far and think, ‘It’ll never be that easy again, will it?’” said Dr. Kinley Foster, Professor of Childhood Development at the University of Michigan. “We don’t believe [Parkes] has this faculty. In fact, medical evidence suggests he is in the early stages of scurvy after eating nothing but store-brand Frosted Flakes for a month.”

Parkes is not speaking to the press under the advisement of his lawyer, but those who know him best agree with the court’s decision.

“I know him through the local music scene — we became friends after I watched him do a backflip in the parking lot after a show,” said Mati Singh, a contemporary of Parkes who is two years younger. “That guy is a nice kid, but he could really apply himself more.”

At press time, Judge Woods was weighing a sentence of life in prison for Juan Martín Romero, a 5-year-old child born with brown skin, as punishment for talking back to his kindergarten teacher.

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