Opinion: I Don’t Think This Is an Al-Anon Message Board

Posted on March 1, 2021 by Krissy Howard

Since the pandemic started, 12-step meetings have been forced to take place online. While it certainly can’t replace sitting in a room full of people with whom you can identify and relate to, it has been a lifesaver, especially in such potentially isolating times. Except for the Al-Anon group I joined. Don’t get me wrong, it’s anonymous alright. I’m just now realizing it’s a less “Al” and more “Q.”

I caught what I should have spotted as red flags right from the jump. Typically, meetings will open with a reading of the steps and traditions and maybe a clarity statement. But this message board just had a bunch of pics of Ryan Reynolds drinking baby blood with Beyoncé. I definitely couldn’t identify with that experience but like they say, “take what you need and leave the rest.”

In this case, I left literally every single word and hope that someday those images will leave my brain as well. Maybe my sponsor will have some suggestions.

Another thing that tipped me off was the complete lack of anonymity and cross-sharing I witnessed. Maybe this is just me, but I was taught that the experiences of “Hillary C.” and “George S.” shouldn’t be talked about outside of the rooms. Especially with the kind of sick shit they apparently get into.

What you hear here, stays here, and apparently “here” is subject to include anyone’s personal YouTube channel, as paraphrased from the front seat of their car. To be fair, maybe they haven’t worked the Traditions yet.

I know that each group is autonomous and that each group’s conscience is what guides the format, and apparently this group’s conscience is focused on reserving a very large portion of the meeting to saying unconscionable things about Jewish people. But as we say here, “principles before personalities,” which is really helping considering how every single personality is somehow the worst one I’ve ever encountered.

It doesn’t help that the “principles” they’re sharing are primarily about how the Chinese are trying to kill us. Sounds like someone could work a mini fourth step.

This is definitely something I’ll include in my daily inventory, as to not hold resentment. Because at the end of the day, I come here so I can be OK with being OK. Or at least, OK knowing that “the storm” is coming, and that I can take care of the only person I do have control over — myself.

Hospice Patient Plays Dead After Spotting Bono in Hallway

Posted on March 1, 2021 by Patrick Coyne

TACOMA, Wash. — Terminal cancer patient Brenda Goff is planning to lay as still as possible after spotting U2’s annoyingly benevolent lead singer Bono haranguing staff, patients, and families at her hospice facility this morning.

“I’m not one to complain about the cards I’d been dealt, so after moving into hospice care, I was ready to accept my fate. However, when I saw Bono in his leather jacket and yellow, bug-eyed glasses, I knew I had to do something before he sauntered into my room,” said Goff. “Hell, I’m even a fan of U2, but I’ve only got so much time left — the last thing I need is to spend five hours hearing about when he got stuck in that giant lemon, or listening to an a capella version of that dumb song from ‘Batman Forever.’”

“I closed my eyes real tight and started making a beeping sound with my mouth as if I was flatlining, hoping he’d keep it moving,” she added, “but that just made a bunch of nurses sprint into my room.”

While Goff successfully avoided Bono, local woman Dani Haworth and her father were not so lucky.

“Dad had pretty severe dementia and never really kept up with popular music beyond Sinatra, so he kept calling Bono ‘Lucky Charms,’” said Haworth. “But the craziest part was, I saw Bono getting dropped off at the hospice by The Edge and Larry Mullen. They shoved him out of the van and peeled off, and then Bono kind of just wandered in here. Does the band simply dump him at random places when they’re sick of dealing with him, or do they have some sort of kickback situation with every hospital in the world?”

Hospice admissions coordinator Shanae Wetner recognized that random Bono drop-ins are a reality for the industry.

“All hospice facilities must be prepared for a surprise Bono visit. I suppose it’s admirable that a big-time celebrity can find time in his busy schedule to visit dying fans, and non-fans who oftentimes have no idea who he is,” said Wetner. “But we’ve also received a ton of complaints from families trying to say goodbye to their loved ones, only for Bono to be in the hall shout-screaming the lyrics to ‘Beautiful Day.’”

Bono is also accused of adding the 2014 album “Songs of Innocence” to several hospice patients’ funeral service playlists without their consent.

Nintendo Celebrates Metroid’s 35th Anniversary With 30-Minute Moment of Silence

Posted on February 28, 2021 by Giovanni Colantonio

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo acknowledged the 35th anniversary of its beloved Metroid franchise with a new Direct presentation that featured just 30 minutes of silence.

“Join us Monday at 7 a.m. PT/10 a.m. ET as we celebrate Metroid’s 35th birthday,” Nintendo tweeted before the showcase. “The Direct will feature no indication of how Metroid Prime 4’s development is coming along or hints as to whether or not the franchise is even considered active in 2021. Please enjoy.”

Despite the explicit warning from Nintendo, Metroid fans were still outraged by the live stream, which featured no new announcements or audio whatsoever. Thousands of fans live tweeted throughout the presentation, despite the fact that the video only featured a static black screen for a full half-hour.

“I know Nintendo said it wasn’t showing anything, but I still expected more,” posted angry Metroid fan Peter Tarrant. “I figured we’d at least see a full 3D remake of Super Metroid, a Metroid Prime 4 shadow drop that would be available as soon as the stream was over, or Mario Kart 9 at bare minimum. I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all.”

Despite showing nothing, the stream left fans of other Nintendo franchises hopeful that the company would finally acknowledge some of their favorite series. The Golden Sun community is cautiously optimistic that the series could at least get a Mii costume in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate for its 20th birthday, while F-Zero fans hope that the game at least comes up in a board meeting once this year.

“Advance Wars?” Nintendo president Shuntaro Furukawa said when asked about the game’s 20th anniversary this year. “Never heard of it. Did you just make that one up?”

Nintendo, however, hyped up fans again when the company announced it would be hosting another much anticipated birthday Direct later this week. After hours of intense speculation, Nintendo unveiled its Mario 36th anniversary presentation featuring three hours of new game reveals, re-releases, and global celebrations.

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Rob Zombie Narrows Exhaustive Search for Star of New Movie Down to His Wife

Posted on February 28, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

LOS ANGELES — Filmmaker and occasional musician Rob Zombie has completed an exhaustive search of over 1,000 actresses to star in his latest film, ultimately casting his wife Sheri Moon Zombie in the lead role, production sources on “Blood Bucket Bingo” confirmed.

“When I look for an actor, I look for many things. I need someone who can embody all aspects of the character as I’ve written them,” said an exhausted Zombie. “When I rebooted the ‘Halloween’ franchise, I needed someone who could portray Michael Myers’ mother with depth, warmth and mystery. Little did I know the perfect person was literally sleeping right next to me. Funnily enough, the same exact thing happened during the casting for ‘House of 1000 Corpses,’ ‘The Devil’s Rejects,’ ‘The Lords of Salem,’ and ‘31.’”

Terry Gordon, Zombie’s longtime casting director, had his own thoughts on the subject.

“We go through hell figuring out who to cast for his leads. Endless nights [Zombie] and I have spent eating vegan takeout over screen-test after screen-test, debating back and forth whether this ethereal blonde woman is right for the role of a Nazi fiend, or this other ethereal blonde woman is who we need for the role of a crazed backwoods psycho,” Gordon said while taking a well-deserved vacation. “He’s an auteur. He makes these long lists of qualities he’s looking for: Tall. Sexy. Blonde. We basically audition half of Los Angeles. And yet, it somehow always ends up being Sheri.”

Cheryl Yamashita, a film professor at the University of Southern California, was not surprised at Zombie’s decision.

“It’s not uncommon for filmmakers to always cast the same kind of actor. Just look at Alfred Hitchcock, and all the tall, untouchable blondes in his films… or Martin Scorsese, who always consistently casts tall, untouchable blondes in his works,” Yamashita explained. “In many ways, Zombie is simply carrying on their cinematic tradition — much like Tim Burton’s decision to cast whoever he wants to fuck.”

Upon learning of her casting, Sheri Moon Zombie expressed excitement to act in a film again.

“You’re All Caught Up” Pleads Concerned Instagram

Posted on February 28, 2021 by Taylor Roebuck

PITTSBURGH — Local Instagram user Charlie Guerrero found a distressed message at the bottom of her feed yesterday, stating that she had consumed all of the new content her friends had posted over the last three days, shocked sources confirm.

“Wow, I ran out of Instagram. I didn’t even know that was possible,” Guerrero said, totally fucked up still. “I know I’ve been dicking around on my phone a lot, but this is bonkers. And the way it was worded was super stern and judgey or something — right after, I got a notification from Spotify suggesting a ‘music that makes you want to take a shower’ playlist. I think I just need to sit here and think for a while. Or maybe I can see what’s going on over on the weather app.”

While Instagram was clearly worried, Guerrero’s friends weren’t exactly surprised.

“If you ask me, this has been coming since the pandemic started,” said Tim Gannon, Guerro’s roommate. “I know we’ve all been spending a lot of time on our phones lately, but Charlie’s a doomscrolling trailblazer. Plus, she’s somehow seen every astrology meme about all the signs, and is caught up on videos of puppies farting in their sleep and scaring children way back from 2009. She showed me her screentime report a few weeks back, and it was just the red siren emoji. No good.”

Instagram spokesperson Sheila Montgomery said that the “You’re All Caught Up” message was a feature they’d implemented long ago, but designers were dubious of any users ever actually triggering it.

“Oh, dear — I’d completely forgotten we’d put that in there,” said Montgomery. “If someone has found that message, they probably should get outside, or at least pretend to start a book soon. I’m surprised an alarm didn’t sound off at our headquarters. Is she alright? Maybe we should send her a subscription to Audible or something.”

At press time, Guerrero had downloaded a cryptocurrency app upon gleefully learning that the market is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, in a format she’ll never even have to refresh.

Here’s What the Cast of Seinfeld Looks Like Today but With Devilocks

Posted on February 28, 2021 by Bobby Korec

What’s the deal with the cast of “Seinfeld” today? And more importantly, what do they look like now, but with a signature devilock hairstyle popularized by The Misfits? Welp, wonder no more!

Jerry
Jerry played a comedian on the show, and has since gone on to do a documentary about being a comedian as well as a show where he talks about being a comedian with other comedians. Anyway, here’s what he looks like as a comedian with a devilock.

George
As Jerry’s sidekick on the show, Jason Alexander has mostly been laying low since the days of Seinfeld, which could be because he quit show business to begin a life in horror business as shown here.

Elaine
Julia Louis-Dreyfus played the only main character able to hold a regular job. Yadda yadda yadda. Here’s her with a sick ‘lock.

Kramer
Giddy up. After Seinfeld, Michael Richards starred in The Michael Richards Show on NBC, which was cancelled after two months and he liked getting cancelled so much that he did it again on stage at the Laugh Factory. Anyway, DEVILOCK!

Newman
As Jerry’s arch nemesis on the show, Wayne Knight portrayed a mailman so well that he might even be one in real life today. We can’t tell for sure. Here he is having a ghouls night out.

David Puddy
That’s right. Patrick Warburton portrayed Elaine’s on-again, off-again boyfriend, who once famously said, “we’re the devils! The devils! Heeeeeeh!” Classic, Misfits fan.

Tim Whatley
Bryan Cranston played a dentist that brought out the inner anti-dentite in Jerry and since Seinfeld ended has exclusively taken roles in iconic shows for some reason. Here he is brandishing a signature devilock.

J. Peterman
John O’Hurley played Elaine’s eccentric boss and later hosted Family Feud after usurping the bearded guy from Home Improvement. Anyway, take a gander at him having a hybrid moment.

Susan Ross
As George’s fiancée, Heidi Swedberg’s character actually died on the show, which is exactly how The Misfits would’ve wanted it to go. Here she is now with a devilock of her own.

Jackie Chiles
Sure, he was ostentatious, bombastic, outrageous, but Phil Morris played Kramer’s grandiose lawyer in the show. Here he is now going where eagles dare.

Sidra Holland
Since dating Jerry in the show, Teri Hatcher played Lois Lane and a desperate housewife, but she will probably most be remembered in this photo of her with a devilock.

Kenny Bania
Steve Hytner played Jerry’s hack comedian acquaintance and we’re not really sure what he does with himself now, but who cares when you’ve got a sick hairdo like this one.

Estelle Costanza
Estelle Harris played George’s overbearing mother who once caught him masturbating in her house. Anyway, she’s got something to say with this look.

Soup Nazi
And lastly, the show’s uncompromising soup proprietor. A cool 80 bucks can get you a Cameo with Larry Thomas and make him say his catchphrase on your friend’s birthday, but why do that when you can just look at him with this sweet devilock.

Doctors Use Dental Records to Identify Body of Alive and Well Keith Richards

Posted on February 28, 2021 by Bobby Korec

WESTON, Conn. — Local physicians used dental records yesterday to identify the body of legendary Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards during a routine visit, despite his being alive and in good health, witnesses who easily identified him themselves confirmed.

“It’s a medical miracle,” said Dr. Julia Pfiefferson, before asking Richards if he wouldn’t mind redoing his blood work after initial results appeared to come from a predeceased human. “He told us he didn’t have his ID on him and we couldn’t make out anything he was saying, so we had no choice but to bring in our forensics team to confirm his identity via his chompers. Evidently, these insurance companies need to be absolutely positive they’re charging the outlandishly exorbitant fee for a basic physical to the right guy. They claim the price-gouging would be unethical otherwise.”

The 77-year-old guitarist was unsurprised by the unusual process.

“A cardiologist once had to bring in a family member to visually identify my, what he called, ‘fully functioning remains’ before he could perform an EKG,” said Richards before emptying his ashtray into a much larger nearby one. “It’s kind of a bummer that less and less people recognize me in doctors’ offices and places of business that require an ID, now that Boomers are starting to retire from these jobs. All these young folks just don’t understand that I am an absolute legend to their grandparents. Bloody wankers.”

Experts chimed in on the current state of the medical industry.

“Many hospitals do not get proper funding and are often ill-equipped with modern technology, so something as simple as verifying a patient in their system can be a total nightmare,” said medical professional Chelsea Langerhoff. “It’s almost like it would be worthwhile as a society to redirect tax money to properly fund the healthcare industry and then let taxpayers freely benefit from the care they’ve already monetarily contributed to — sort of like a pay-it-forward system that’s there when you need it, instead of just allowing citizens to go bankrupt over an appendicitis because they didn’t happen to have one of those jobs that offers healthcare. Such a dystopian system.”

After his appointment, Richards was seen providing the medical results of his most recent colonoscopy to a liquor store cashier in order to prove his age to purchase alcohol.

Archaeologists Uncover First Recorded Tier List in Ancient Rome

Posted on February 27, 2021 by CJ Hernandez

ROME — After reconstructing an ancient piece of pottery featuring various Roman gladiators categorized by their perceived strength, ability, and matchup spread, a team of archaeologists in Italy determined that they had unearthed the earliest example of a recorded tier list.

“It’s generally accepted that gladiator fights existed mostly to distract and placate the Roman citizens,” said lead archaeologist David Bradford. “Our discoveries this week suggest this distraction extended far beyond the coliseum, with some Romans wasting hours upon days debating whether such-and-such fighter was top 5 or just top 10. It’s incredible how much energy these ancient Romans wasted on these debates when they could have been working on improving their skills instead.”

Bradford’s team also discovered a series of broken tablets etched with the discussions and debates that lead to the creation of this tier list, which they have come to refer to as “the Smashed Boards.” Thanks to modern reconstruction techniques, many of these comments were able to be translated and preserved in a digital archive.

“There is no way Pollentius is A tier,” read one Smashed Board comment. “His spear’s range gives him the edge against heavy fighters, but he has a losing matchup against faster gladiators like Audacius, or Mordax the Swift. He’s B tier at best.”

“Markus is overpowered and uninteresting to watch, easily top 3,” read another translated comment. “Caesar should command his right hamstring be cut in the name of justice and fairness.” It appears Caesar may have agreed, as later depictions of the gladiator Markus portray him with a bandage on his right thigh, an accessory of the time commonly known as a “balance patch.”

At press time, Bradford’s team had just announced that they discovered yet another discussion tablet, this one suggesting the existence of a surprisingly large sub-community that insisted on following an older, outlawed version of the gladiatorial rules which only permitted melee combat.

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Unemployed Kevin Sorbo Sends Ben Shapiro His Headshot Just in Case

Posted on February 27, 2021 by Bobby Korec

LOS ANGELES — Out-of-work actor and outspoken conservative Kevin Sorbo sent his professional headshot to political commentator and apparent filmmaker Ben Shapiro in the off-chance his upcoming movie with Gina Carano needed more “unfairly treated” thespians, “lamestream media” sources confirmed.

“The Hollywood elites have not given me consistent work, and it’s clear that it’s because of my conservative viewpoints despite my unquestionable acting ability,” said Sorbo while updating his Twitter bio to read that he identifies as an attack helicopter. “I’ve got a ton of range, too — I can play anything from a guy who’s been victimized by cancel culture, to a man who’s been oppressed by the PC police. You name it, I can do it on the big screen… or at least the ‘made for TV’ screen. I think that’s called method acting.”

Professional little baby-man Shapiro chimed in on Sorbo’s interest in the movie.

“This is America. If Kevin wants a part in this project, he’s going to have to earn it fair and square, or be related to one of the producers,” said Shapiro before turning to his children to explain that they will not ever participate in the “socialist” trick-or-treating part of Halloween. “We base our casting on facts and logic here. That’s why we forgo pointless auditions altogether, and simply evaluate an actor’s past tweets to make sure they can effectively trigger the libs. Anyone can read from a script. The real talent is when an actor can, pardon my language, ‘p’ off the left.”

Experts cited this upcoming project as part of a new trend in the film industry.

“Just wait until Candace Owens, Jordan Peterson, and the guy from the ‘change my mind’ memes earn enough money to buy a copy of Final Draft so they can write their own scripts,” said movie critic Jan Spencerville. “Next thing you know we’ll see Scott Baio winning Best Actor for his role in ‘12 Angry Men in Trucks’ at a Hobby Lobby-sponsored Conservative Academy Awards. It’s just another example of cultural evolution. Or devolution. One of them.”

At press time, Shapiro decided to give the role of “misunderstood patriot who rises up to triumphantly win an internet argument defending the second amendment” to Dean Cain.

Inspiring: This Woman Spent the Pandemic Turning All of Her Underwear Into Period Underwear

Posted on February 27, 2021 by Krissy Howard

LAS CRUCES, N.M. — Local woman Bette DeVargas made use of her time home during the Coronavirus pandemic by turning every single pair of her underwear into panties reserved for soaking up period blood each month, sources report.

“Honestly, it wasn’t even something I was planning to do — it started out as an accident when my period showed up a few days early last August or May or whatever, who can remember,” DeVargas said of the months-long project she started and completed while in quarantine. “By January, I only had one pair of unstained underwear left, but thanks to two blood-thinning Tylenol and one Diva Cup I was just unwilling to empty out before bed on night two of my last period, we brought it all the way home.”

DeVargas attributes the success of the project to factors like boredom, living in the same sweatpants for weeks on end, and a baseline level of constant depression that may or may not be symptomatic of the current state of the world.

“I guess when it comes to allowing myself to just bleed out like a stuck pig all over my clothes every month, I’d have to credit my general lack of ability to stay on top of anything other than my basic human needs… along with the impending sense of hopelessness and dread I feel every day,” DeVargas explained. “Also, the fact that the waistbands are totally blown out on basically all of my underwear certainly helped with the whole ‘getting dark red blood that smells like iron and dead shit’ all over them thing. I’m not really one to believe in fate, per se, but it is kind of curious how this whole thing just kinda came together.”

Experts report that staying occupied has been an important part of getting through a year-long lockdown.

“We’ve witnessed people coping in a number of ways, from almost ordering Rosetta Stone before abandoning the purchase once they’ve realized their credit card is in the other room, to seeing if slippers technically count as shoes enough to enter the post office,” said clinical psychologist Dr. Marian Tan. “I’ve taken to endlessly scrolling until the days all blend together, which works great. It’s all about finding the right fit for your lifestyle.”

After successful completion, DeVargas has moved on to her new “pandemic project” — seeing how long she can ignore being stabbed in the tit by the broken underwire poking out of the one bra she wears to some Zoom meetings.

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