TACOMA, Wash. — Terminal cancer patient Brenda Goff is planning to lay as still as possible after spotting U2’s annoyingly benevolent lead singer Bono haranguing staff, patients, and families at her hospice facility this morning.
“I’m not one to complain about the cards I’d been dealt, so after moving into hospice care, I was ready to accept my fate. However, when I saw Bono in his leather jacket and yellow, bug-eyed glasses, I knew I had to do something before he sauntered into my room,” said Goff. “Hell, I’m even a fan of U2, but I’ve only got so much time left — the last thing I need is to spend five hours hearing about when he got stuck in that giant lemon, or listening to an a capella version of that dumb song from ‘Batman Forever.’”
“I closed my eyes real tight and started making a beeping sound with my mouth as if I was flatlining, hoping he’d keep it moving,” she added, “but that just made a bunch of nurses sprint into my room.”
While Goff successfully avoided Bono, local woman Dani Haworth and her father were not so lucky.
“Dad had pretty severe dementia and never really kept up with popular music beyond Sinatra, so he kept calling Bono ‘Lucky Charms,’” said Haworth. “But the craziest part was, I saw Bono getting dropped off at the hospice by The Edge and Larry Mullen. They shoved him out of the van and peeled off, and then Bono kind of just wandered in here. Does the band simply dump him at random places when they’re sick of dealing with him, or do they have some sort of kickback situation with every hospital in the world?”
Hospice admissions coordinator Shanae Wetner recognized that random Bono drop-ins are a reality for the industry.
“All hospice facilities must be prepared for a surprise Bono visit. I suppose it’s admirable that a big-time celebrity can find time in his busy schedule to visit dying fans, and non-fans who oftentimes have no idea who he is,” said Wetner. “But we’ve also received a ton of complaints from families trying to say goodbye to their loved ones, only for Bono to be in the hall shout-screaming the lyrics to ‘Beautiful Day.’”
Bono is also accused of adding the 2014 album “Songs of Innocence” to several hospice patients’ funeral service playlists without their consent.