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Metronome Clearly Speeding Up and Slowing Down

COVINGTON, Ky. — Neophyte bassist Braxton Reynolds came to the startling realization last week that his metronome apparently jumps wildly in tempo while he practices, the frustrated student reported.

“At first, I thought maybe it was me who had an inability to stay in time… but then I realized that it must be this piece of shit metronome my teacher Tad gave me,” declared Reynolds, who received his Squier Affinity P Bass for Christmas last year. “I have to use my phone to record me playing along with the metronome and send it to Tad, so I’m going to add a little note saying that the old ‘nome is broke. This is why I need nicer gear before I really spend time practicing.”

However, longtime bass teacher Tad Lee has heard every excuse in the book as to why gear is holding back students’ progression.

“Sometimes, it’s the metronome; other times the guitar won’t stay in tune; and sometimes my students claim that the equinox is making gravity feel weird and that’s what’s messing up their rhythm. No one ever wants to try pointing the blame inwards,” said Lee, who claims that his lifelong dream was to become a bass teacher in suburban Kentucky. “I listened back and Braxton’s metronome is fine. He just sucks. Terribly so. But I can’t risk losing another student to a Deadmau5 DJing Masterclass, so I’ll humor him and tell his mom that he’s progressing wonderfully.”

Wittner Gmbh, the German manufacturer of the metronome in question, did not take kindly to the casual slander of their company’s products.

“Vat is this?! A 1-star review on the Guitar Center vebsite from some yankee shit named Braxton?” shrieked longtime Wittner craftsman Hans-Jürgen Friedrich in a video posted to the company’s YouTube channel. “Ve demand an apology from Herr Reynolds, or scientific proof that the device in question is indeed defective. How dare you attempt to tarnish the spotless legacy of German engineering? We’re the country of BMW! Adidas! Countless manufacturers of high quality sexual pleasure devices!”

According to preliminary reports, Reynolds has ceased playing bass and has instead moved on to Soundcloud rapping while blaming his offkey singing on faulty Autotune.