SCARSDALE, N.Y — Local mom Penelope Chapman is under fire today for letting her underage children buy stocks from home instead of waiting until they are old enough to legally trade on Wall Street, privileged sources confirmed.
“Yes, my husband and I allow our teenage son to safely execute stock transactions at home under our loving supervision. Why? Because when I was a kid, my authoritarian dad wouldn’t let me touch stocks, even though he routinely used offshore accounts to make trades in Grandma’s name based on confidential information he had about his law firm’s corporate clients,” Chapman bitterly recalled. “I finally did what all kids do: I lifted a few thousand dollars from my mom’s Hermès bag and went to Manhattan with some friends to shoulder tap for shares of an emerging tech company I read about in my dad’s email. We eventually found someone, but this goody-goody broker we asked threatened to call my mom and boomersplained how someone my age should be putting their money into some chickenshit, low-risk index fund with these anemic fucking numbers.”
“No child should ever have to experience something like that,” added Chapman, holding back tears.
The Chapmans’ “totally chill” attitude about minors swapping securities at their house has made their teenage son exceedingly popular among his peers.
“Everyone from school wants to be friends with me because my parents let me throw these badass stock trading parties in our basement that get totally lit,” bragged Sophomore Vance Chapman. “One of my new bros has to tell his parents that all we do is take bong rips and shots of Jager while we binge watch Asa Akira scenes on her Pornhub channel because he’s not allowed to manage his own investment portfolio. And my dad backs up his story! It’s so dope.”
Still, SEC attorney Walter Kowalski cautioned parents against getting too cavalier.
“These parents should know they’re putting themselves at risk,” the seasoned lawman warned. “I guess they see Kyle Rittenhouse’s mom get a pass for driving her son across state lines to murder people, so they think they’re okay to let their kids use memes to pump up some piece of shit stock on Reddit. Murder is one thing, but costing rich people money is another. So watch out.”
At press time, Vance was scrolling through Elon Musk’s Twitter feed looking for stonk tips.