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Nation’s Townies to Meet Down by Train Tracks Around Five

UNITED STATES — A gathering of townies from across the country is expected to begin at around 5 p.m. today and end sometime before the gas station closes so everyone can cop one more tallboy before heading home, according to sources.

“As per usual, we’ll probably ease into things by cracking open a cold one and just talking all kinds of shit,“ said self-proclaimed “hometown hero” representing the Sumner County, Ks. area, Dale “Shearsy” Simmonds. “From there, we’ll move to kicking bottle caps we find on tracks, peeing, and talking about how much we hate this town but how there’s something about it that always keeps calling us back. We’ll likely end by trying to figure out what the story is behind that partial skeleton over by the little tree, which looks like it could either be a dog or maybe a huge raccoon.”

Regular meet-up participants look forward to the event, and plan to go as there “ain’t shit else to do around here anyway.”

“I’ll probably get there a little late, let things cook a bit and show up for the good stuff. ‘Texas’ Tony usually has something set on fire by about 6, and I found my Sharpie and wanna hit up that underpass while this design is still fresh in my mind,“ said Dryden, N.Y.-based junior townie, 14-year-old Sarah Stento. “If Katie from down the block shows up, I’m gonna beat her ass though, for real. That body splash bitch needs to stay away from me, and so does her mom.”

Small town expert Daryl McCombs explained that, while similar in some regards, townies are not to be mistaken for people who simply never left their hometowns.

“Townies tend to get a bad rap, and there’s a popular misconception that they’re just lazy miscreants who drink all day rather than go to work, which couldn’t be further from the truth,” McCombs said from outside of the community college he’s enrolled in for the last seven years. “Most townies are gainfully employed as roofers, roofer’s assistants, or other jobs at their buddy’s company which allow them to drink at work — not to be confused with those who simply peaked in high school and have gone on to work at their dad’s car dealership in the nice suburb with the big Walmart.”

At press time, the gathering was not canceled on account of rain.