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You Can Still Make It in the Music Industry by Having My Rich Dad

You hear it every day: opinions from all of the darkest corners of the internet, that there’s just no way to break into mainstream success anymore; they say that the music industry is a kabal of incestuous dealmaking and toxic gatekeeping, but as long as you have My Rich Dad, trust me, you’ll be fine.

Thanks to My Rich Dad, you don’t have to worry about tedious industry-exclusive jargon like whether or not your music is “good,” (whatever that means). My Rich Dad knows the guy who puts music in Target commercials, so if you ever need a quick couple thousand, I just shoot My Rich Dad a link to your Bandcamp.

Ordinarily, when I perform an acoustic solo set, I get told all kinds of elitist garbage by industry hotheads, stuff like “You’ll never make it,” and “We didn’t invite you to this wedding, who are you?” But when I have My Rich Dad around, people are practically BEGGING me to show up unannounced at their wedding, high, and playing all the hits.

And My Rich Dad doesn’t just stop at industry success! Millennials who are complaining about the housing market being inaccessible have clearly never met My Rich Dad. All you’ve gotta say is “Pa’pa, I have grown restless abroad” and he’ll come running to sweep you away from whatever couch you woke up on and whatever hangover you woke up with. And if you get bored with whatever house My Rich Dad buys for you, you can just go on tour again.

Every one of those cynics and pessimists out there who think there’s no clear path towards success needs to take a chill pill (My Rich Dad has a pill guy) and relax. You don’t have to work yourself to death or try really hard or play your own instruments or wake up before 3 pm or understand where to sign a check. You just gotta take it to My Rich Dad, tell him you’re sleepy from all your drugs, and he’ll take care of the rest for you. It’s really not that hard.

Obviously, this advice isn’t going to work for everyone; you’ll need to get a My Rich Dad of your own if you ever want to start making a name for yourself out there. But as soon as you get one? Oh, baby, it’s smooth sailing! So cheer up and remember it’s not so hard, just get My Rich Dad and you’ll be making money doing your stupid music crap or whatever in no time.