Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Our Favorite Albums of 2021 to Listen to on the Bus to Avoid Talking to This Guy Who Really Wants to Talk To Us

Posted on December 28, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

The end of the year is a great time to reflect on all that’s happened in the last 12 months, be that to reminisce on bad memories we’d sooner forget, or to remember the good times that make us grateful to be alive for just a little bit longer. For many people, listing the best new music that came out this year is a great way to recall the ebb and flow of time, and for us, listening to our favorite albums of 2021 is a great way to avoid making eye contact with this guy on the bus who’s definitely trying to get our attention.

Here’s our favorite albums of 2021 that are not only great to listen to but are also pulling more than their share of weight in getting us out of hearing what his dude thinks about climate change.

The Stimulators, ‘Loud Fast Rules’
The first album to make our list is literally the first thing we could find after we put my headphones in to signal to this idiot that talking is off-limits. We’re sure this album is great, but we honestly have no idea. Either way, it’s definitely our favorite thing ever to happen right at this second as this guy is definitely looking at a rash or something on his arm and sort of coyly looking over here but in an inviting way. Not only do we not want to be anywhere near anyone’s rash, we also don’t wanna be on the hook for giving a total stranger faulty medical advice — it could be serious and we just can’t have something like that hanging over our head. No thanks.
Sunami/Gulch split
OK, this one is a little faster which is exactly what we wish this fucking bus would start doing ASAP. We’re pretty sure rash dude can hear the music coming from our headphones and is fake-headbanging and we just want to go home. We got a single strand of hair wrapped around our toe before we got our socks on and we weighed taking our shoes and socks off and handling it all day and we don’t know why we didn’t but we just really need to take care of this now.
Quicksand, ‘Quicksand’
We’re not sure if the bus is some sort of wormhole portal where hints aren’t taken the same way they are in the regular universe, but this guy is incredibly persistent and has now moved to the seat directly across from us. Which brings us to our third pick. Is this album actually from 1990 and so isn’t really a new release in 2021? Yes, but 1990 is exactly how far back in time we wish we could go so maybe we could have made some slightly different choice, resulting in a butterfly effect-like series of events that would put us on the 6:12 bus instead of this one. Why didn’t we bring a book?
Sleater/Kinney, ‘Path of Wellness’
We truly don’t know how much longer this ride could possibly be. This is more new music than we’ve listened to since we were 16 and still found joy in things. If he thinks staring at us non-stop, only to look slightly off to the side and pretend to look at something the second we catch him is going to work on us, he’s got another thing coming. We should, however, thank him, for if not for this little maneuver we might have missed the business card of an injury lawyer tucked into the window a few seats over, which we may or may not need for reasons our future lawyer probably thinks it best we don’t discuss at this time.
Cannabis Corpse, “Left Hand Pass’
Alright, we’ve just decided to take off our headphones and blast Cannabis Corpse straight from our phone while we stare back at this guy until one of us reaches our stop. We’re not actually high right now, but public transportation always makes us feel like we are anyway, so why not lean in.

Happy new year, may yours be merry and solitary and come without unwanted attention.

39-Year-Old With Middle Part Isn’t Fooling Anyone

Posted on December 27, 2021 by Heather Cook

DODGE CITY, Kan. — Local adult Amelie Hartman was spotted pathetically trying to keep up with the latest trends by parting her hair down the middle similar to her younger counterparts, skeptical sources confirmed.

“With my hair parted down the middle, I totally pass for a twenty-something zoomer, maybe even a teenager, right?” said Hartman while struggling to upload a video of her new hairdo to TikTok. “Nowadays, there’s nothing more lame than being labeled a millennial, and since I was a teenager in the 90s it won’t be hard for me to fit in. Anyone that sees me with my middle part and wide-leg jeans would never guess that I’m actually 60% gray and used to own a Razr flip phone. Now, I’m like the next Greta Thurnberg or whatever, except like, a version of Greta who had a 13” Sony Trinitron with a built-in VCR in 1996.”

Hartman’s co-worker, Carmen Gomez, is not easily tricked by Hartman’s pitiful efforts.

“Amelie isn’t fooling anyone with her sad attempts to pass for Gen-Z,” said Gomez. “The other day, she came into work wearing a bucket hat and a graphic crop top. This is a finance office. We can’t have grown-ass adults showing up here dressed like Billie Eilish. She keeps trying to impress the interns by quoting Megan Thee Stallion and doing TikTok dances, but it’s just making everyone really uncomfortable.”

Dr. Michael Anu, a professor of Psychology at William Paterson University, has seen an increase in this behavior amongst millennials aged 36 to 40.

“In our latest study, we’ve discovered a glaring uptick in the amount of 30-something millennials that say ‘Bing Bong’ without knowing what it even means,” said Anu. “It’s a chemical reaction to the fear of aging and no longer being the ‘it’ generation. Millennials go into denial and start lashing out by wearing crop tops and crying like teenagers at Phoebe Bridgers concerts. Unfortunately, this epidemic will only come to an end when the millennials physically become too exhausted to keep up with this nonsense and just lean in to completely hating everything.”

At press time, when asked what she will do to try and pass for Gen-Z when she turns 40, Hartman ran a finger under her choker and remarked that she has “no idea what you’re talking about.”

Man Buying Gas Station Hard-Boiled Egg Suspected Of Any And All Unsolved Crimes

Posted on December 27, 2021 by Michael Gursky

NEW CASTLE, Del. — An unnamed man was arrested and taken into custody under the suspicion of “potentially having committed any heinous, violent act imaginable” following the purchase of an individually packaged hard-boiled egg at a local Speedway.

“I ain’t seen anybody buy one of them eggs in years, and I feared the son of a bitch who would,” said Speedway attendant Harm Plakavich, still visibly shaken after the event. “I had no choice but to notify the local police, Sheriff’s department, fire department, bomb squad, and ever-growing neighborhood vigilante gangs that we may have one of the sickest bastards of the century on our hands. I know it’s a good source of protein on the go and all, but for God’s sake, it’s still a single egg in a baggie of water, and there’s no way you can open one without spilling the fluid all over yourself. I’m sorry, I… I need to be with my family right now.”

Stern local police chief Stavros Papazaglou, who arrested and took the gas station egg purchaser into custody, expressed a passionate disgust.

“This isn’t a man, this is a vile savage we’re dealing with, and I wouldn’t put anything past this vermin,” he stated. “Any cold case in the county might be his dealing. I got 25 unsolved human trafficking cases I could confidently pin on this slime right now. Hell, we got over 40 pending arson cases his ass is clearly involved in. As far as my eyes can see this motherfucker did every crime ever committed, and will be responsible for any and all future crimes.”

Clinical Psychologist Amanda Wasser, of the FBI Particularly Dangerous Persons Unit, shared her concerns and hopes from an undisclosed location.

“A man who purchases a hard-boiled egg in a wet bag from a gas station would murder an entire family in broad daylight and eat their entrails in front of passerby’s. That I know to be a psychological fact,” she noted. “But he’s captured, and that’s a once-in-a-lifetime terrorist off the streets, and decades worth of unsolved crimes that may come to an end and bring closure to families and not gross out people just trying to buy a damn donut and get to work.”

At press time, a woman who appeared to be strongly considering purchasing sushi from a local 7-Eleven is believed by law enforcement and those around her to be a copycat disgusting person.

Until I Started Listening to PUP, I Had No Idea Canadians Also Thought Stuff Was Bullshit

Posted on December 27, 2021 by Aidan Sears

One of the most powerful things about music is its ability to connect us with distant cultures. It’s amazing how much you can learn about a people by listening to how their musicians express themselves through song. Recently I was introduced to a band called “PUP” (aww) from a strange, cold land known as “Canada.” I was astonished at how much this band taught me about the noble Canadian people, notably that they too think stuff is bullshit and that everything sucks.

I couldn’t believe it at first. I thought believing that shit is terrible and that life generally sucks ass was a cultural phenomenon confined to people from Pennsylvania and certain parts of Ohio. What sort of bullshit could there possibly be in Canada? Healthcare? Hockey? A third thing I can’t think of because I don’t know anything about Canada? But the more I listened to PUP, the more it became clear. Despite the fact that these guys spoke Canadian, I could understand them perfectly. And good news, shit is apparently terrible everywhere!

That’s not all PUP taught me. While commiserating about bullshit and how fucking stupid it all is, Canadians also sometimes partake in drinking beer. My people also drink beer! It got me thinking that maybe, one day, I could have a beer with someone from Canada. Not long ago I would have thought it was a preposterous idea but now I’m committed to making it happen if I ever make the journey to Toronto.

PUP also taught me about Toronto.

I would like to thank PUP for expanding my musical tastes and fixing my cultural myopia. Because if there’s one thing that music can teach us all, it’s that people are pissed off everywhere.

Venue Strikes Gold with Booth that Sells Photos of Audience Members in Mosh Pit

Posted on December 27, 2021 by Peter Woods

TULSA, Okla. — Local venue owner Michelle Kirk reportedly doubled her gross income by installing a new booth that sells photos of audience members actively dancing in the mosh pit, ecstatic customers confirmed.

“I can’t believe how well this thing has done. I sell them for $10 a piece and it’s just some photo paper with The Outback Snakehouse logo on there,” said Kirk while designing a variety of fun borders for the photos. “We are absolutely making bank and I didn’t think we would sell a single photo. Really, we just installed the booth so people would use the north exit that’s right next to the vending machine. Figured some of these kids would want to grab a Three Musketeers before they left, but apparently, they want these goofy photos too. After every band there is a line that bends around the merch table with people wanting to buy another photo.”

“I guess leaving with a framed keepsake is still better than buying a shitty demo tape you’ll never listen to, huh?” added Kirk.

Audience members aren’t the only ones excited about the new booth.

“I absolutely love it. I’d buy every single photo of people going nuts during our band if I could afford it,” said Tammy Combs, drummer for Oklahoma City pornogrind band Cock Distance. “Every single time we play out of town nobody ever shows up, so this is just proof that we had at least 26 paying customers show up. It sucks that I didn’t get any pictures with me in them to post on our Gram, but it’s worth the trade-off.

However, not everyone who has encountered the booth is a fan.

“That booth is absolutely ruining hardcore and it’s ruining this scene,” said local music fan Tina Frazier. “Kids keep showing up to these shows and jumping in the pit with toothbrushes and newspapers and shit so they can get some goofy picture of themselves at the exact right moment. I mean, they were doing that before and it was fine, but now that they are doing it for the photo it’s stupid.”

Kirk has already announced plans to expand on the booth with the help of Shining Star Studios, a local photography business known for their prom photos, to take photos of audience members’ outfits before this weekend’s shows.

Raccoon Can’t Believe Someone Would Throw Away Perfectly Good Trash

Posted on December 26, 2021 by Bobby Korec

BEACON, N.Y. — A local raccoon known around the neighborhood simply as “that thing in the yard” could not believe someone would throw away a pile of perfectly good garbage, sources who tried to shoo him away with a broom confirmed.

“Fuckin’ A! Look at all these rare finds in here,” said the raccoon while swimming among the trash as if he was Scrooge McDuck doing laps in a pool of his own money. “I’m talking rotten banana peels, maggot-filled meat chunks, and marinara-stained napkins. Total jackpot! This is like eating at one of those fine dining restaurant dumpsters. Seriously, if these guys had any clue what sort of gems they had on their hands they would’ve never thrown it all away. Really glad I moved to the suburbs when I did. City trash can be absolute garbage sometimes.”

Neighbors were none too pleased to have some varmint rummaging around their personal trash can.

“Not in my backyard he doesn’t,” said Anthony Kremer while discreetly peeking through the blinds to see if the critter was still rifling through his rubbish. “If he wants to eat straight up garbage like some sort of animal then he needs to do it elsewhere. I mean, what if it has rabies? Or even worse, COVID? It could be out there right now spreading a deadly virus to all the innocent squirrels and chipmunks who would never dare disrupt the sanctity of a man’s garbage. Honestly, I’m thinking about calling animal control. I just can’t stand the thought of anything other than me enjoying my hard-earned trash.”

Experts noted that the raccoon is just doing what feels natural.

“These creatures exemplify the ‘one man’s trash is another animal’s treasure’ motto,” said Jane Druin, backyard wildlife expert. “Raccoons are one of the few ‘zero waste’ species on earth. They naturally take a holistic approach to address the problem of unsustainable waste and should probably be commended for their contributions to the community. Instead, they have small rocks hurled at them, BB guns pointed at them, and are sometimes offered a small handful of cat food from an unsupervised child, at best.”

At press time, the raccoon could not believe his luck when he stumbled upon an Olive Garden dumpster that offered seemingly unlimited moldy breadsticks.

Librarians Break Kneecaps of Homeowner who Installed Little Free Library

Posted on December 26, 2021 by Patrick Coyne

COLLINGSWOOD, N.J. — A local gang of librarians are accused of assaulting homeowner Jessica Wheatley over the installation of a “little free library” on her front lawn.

“I just thought it’d be a nice way to connect with my neighbors and share some of my old books. What I didn’t expect was a gaggle of blue hairs wearing chained bifocals busting up my twee little book depository with a Louisville Slugger,” said Wheatley. “Naturally, I ran out and asked them what the hell they were doing, but that’s when the big lady screamed “you fucked with the wrong civil servants, motherfucker” before they held me down and took turns wailing on my kneecaps with a leatherbound copy of ‘The Brothers Karamazov.’”

Although feigning sympathy, local librarian Adeline Amato was adamant that these accusations are false.

“I don’t know nothin’ about that. As I hear it she had a fall trying to grab a book from the top shelf of a rolling library ladder. All I knows is, people that pay off their late fees and don’t try to horn in on our business ain’t got nothin’ to worry about,” said Amato. “But this idea that us librarians are nothin’ but violent thugs is a hurtful stereotype. You might not like hearin’ this, but neighborhoods need us for protection. Primarily protection from illiteracy. Plus, as a place for homeless people to go number two. Me personally? I don’t wanna hurt nobody. But Evelyn standing menacingly behind me here? She’d love nothing more than to see you sleeping with the microfiches, capisce?

Investigative reporter Kyle Schwyberg claimed to have recently infiltrated “La Libra Nostra,” aka the “Librarian Mafia.”

“For over three years I had gone undercover as a 67-year-old retired teaching assistant volunteering to help this so-called ‘Librarian Mafia’ digitize their periodicals. What I found was shocking,” said Schwyberg. “Apparently, their illicit operation is funded by a street tax that they collect under threat of fine or jail time. And they’re not even the only gang in time. There’s the sanitation worker mob, the firefighter mob, and who could forget those cruel sons of bitches in the public school teacher syndicate.”

Sadly, Schwyberg has gone missing since this interview, however, detectives may have found one of the reporter’s fingers within the local library’s Dewey decimal system, filed under “R” for “rat.”

Nice FJällräven Backpack, Name Three Fjords You’ve Traversed

Posted on December 26, 2021 by Ben Friedman

Hey friend. I couldn’t help but notice that sweet, cherry red Fjällräven backpack you’re wearing. Nice to meet a fellow lover of the outdoors! I assume you’re on your way to train for this year’s dog sledding polar excursion. Oh, you’re not? Of course, you seem like more of a “trek to Abisko” kinda woman. Wait, what do you mean you just use your bag for books?

You must have been on one multi-Scandinavian excursion in your lifetime, right? Listen, if you’re going to wear that bag around with any integrity I’m going to need you to name three fjords you’ve traversed right now.

I’ll even give you partial credit if you can name just one majestic fjord. And don’t say the Sognefjord. That’s like the Beatles of elongated seas.

I can’t believe you’re just traipsing around campus without the slightest bit of reverence for what’s slung over your shoulder. Do you have any idea what it’s like to swim through bracing Nordic glacier water with nothing but your wits and a pair of $500 waterproof pants? I bet you don’t even wax your backpack.

One time my dad’s helicopter flew me into the Narvikfjellet ski resort, which is above the arctic circle, but my room wasn’t ready. I had to survive for two hours on nothing but my triple-down expedition jacket and a bag full of elk jerky. We may have the same Fjällräven backpack but we are not the same.

Listen, it’s fine that you got your little entry-level backpack because you liked the logo, but you have to understand that these are for people who take the outdoors seriously. You’re treading pretty close to stealing hiker valor.

Tell you what, once you’ve hiked 30 miles to the edge of a cliff overlooking Norway’s impeccable landscapes, then you’ll have earned the right to don mid-luxury travelware you clearly picked up at the mall on a whim. Sorry, what? Oh yeah, well of course I know Fjällräven is actually from Sweden. I just prefer Norwegian fjords.

Band Transforms Into Supergroup After All Members Bit By Same Radioactive Spider

Posted on December 26, 2021 by Bobby Korec

NEW YORK — Local punk band Horny Horny Hippos magically transformed into a supergroup when a spider living in their practice space turned radioactive and bit each member, sources who vowed to use their powers for good confirmed.

“It must’ve bitten each of us during our monthly band-only sleepover at the space,” said the group’s singer Carter Perkinson before checking WebMD for any other cool side effects of insect bites. “I could feel a superhuman change as soon as it bit into my thigh. I’m now capable of swinging from venue rafters like it’s nothing. Our guitarist acquired heightened senses and can now kind of feel when a party doesn’t want him to play ‘Wonderwall’ on acoustic guitar. And our bass player finally has the strength to use his pinky to hold down a string. Simply incredible. Regardless, we must always remember that with great power comes great responsibility and to use it to get laid.”

Other bands in the scene were none too pleased with their transformation.

“They must be stopped at all costs,” said arch nemesis and rival band Doctor Death. “Ever since that fateful night they’ve been sanctimonious and cringey as shit. They keep talking about ‘saving the scene from bad guys’ and at their last show they wore silly skin-tight costumes as a gimmick. I just didn’t have the heart to tell them that those spider bites looks very infected and they probably need to see a doctor. Last I checked, your skin isn’t supposed to rot off. All that savior stuff is in their heads.”

Music experts are well-aware of the strange situations that often lead up to forming a supergroup.

“Every supergroup has an outlandish origin story that delights fans to no end,” said music historian Kate Ralingford. “Audioslave became who they were after all members were accidentally exposed to gamma rays. Each member of Temple of the Dog was deemed ‘the chosen one’ by some unknown entity. And the Traveling Wilburys actually formed after members discovered that they had all simultaneously constructed caves beneath their mansions to park their custom-built cars and just so happened to be really into bats. What are the chances?”

At press time, the band was disappointed to read a review that criticized their live performance by saying “supergroup shows aren’t real shows.”

Top 10 Hallmark Christmas Movies

Posted on December 25, 2021 by Ben Friedman

Christmas is right around the corner, and we all know what that means: An uncomfortably voluminous amount of new holiday movies from the Hallmark Channel. Though many of these movies tend to blend together with similar storylines and casts, we’ve picked out ten of the best ones to help you get in the holiday spirit.

The Christmas Bus

Santa decides it’s time to take his workshop on the road, and deploys the magical Christmas bus to spread holiday cheer throughout the American Southwest. But when a grinchy Pep Boys mechanic rigs the bus to explode if the elves make less than 50 toys an hour, can Santa and the disillusioned hitchhiker he picked up earlier save the day? The 15 minute scene of driving in absolute silence after Santa admits to fucking around on Mrs. Claus is the ultimate holiday mood setter.

Christmas in July

Former cynical lawyer Amanda Smulders left her old life and six figure salary back in New York last Christmas after falling in love with the mountain town of Noel. But several months later the townsfolk are still hanging up tinsel, singing carols, and lavishing praise upon Nick, the owner of the town’s largest factory and a man inhabitants believe is the literal Santa Claus. Can Amanda escape the cultists and make it back to civilization?

Die Hard

This shot for shot remake of the infallible 1988 classic may look a little different as they change Nakatomi Plaza to a Community Youth Center. But the change of production quality and soap opera cast doesn’t diminish any of the heart stopping, high tension action. Yippie-kay-yay, Christmas lovers!

A Proud Boy Christmas

Terminally single bachelor Frank Gibbons is stuck in a routine of eating chicken tenders in his mother’s basement every Christmas. That is until one night when he’s visited by the three spirits of Jordan Peterson, Alex Jones, and Joe Rogan to show him that he’s single because of liberal immigrant feminists, and not because he’s a miserable toxic piece of shit. Just be forewarned viewers, this is a musical.

Deck the Halls with Single Dads

Marketing wiz Kelly Sanders returns to her hometown for the first time in ten years only to discover all of her high school boyfriends are now handsome single dads whose wives left them for their dream jobs in Paris. Kelly might just rekindle a flame or three in the days leading up to the town’s big Christmas tree lighting. Make sure you prepare yourself for the emotional climax when dozens of her ex-boyfriends’ overly attached children clamor and beg for her to become their new mommy, accidentally killing the protagonist via suffocation.

A Wish for Christmas 2: The Wishening

Lacey Chabert returns as Sara Shaw in the sequel to her 2016 hit, but this time around the stakes are much higher. After bulldozing her way to the top of the corporate ladder powered by her Christmas wish, she finds that her fledgling intern has also asked a Salvation Army Santa for the courage to be more outspoken. Not to be overthrown, Sara engages her potential usuper in an intense Christmas wish-off. There can only be one!

A Viscount for Christmas

Hotel maid Mackenzie Smith has her life turned upside down when she’s asked to become the personal assistant to the second cousin of the prince of the sovereign nation of Waldovia. While they do not get along at first, both Mackenzie and the Viscount realize that anything is possible during Christmas, even falling in love. But can she overlook the fact that his name was found in Jeffery Epstein’s flight logs?

Christmas in the Clink

As mandated by the state of California’s parole board, Lori Loughlin was legally obligated to star in this film as rich mom Laura Laughlin, who uses her money and privilege to get her untalented daughter into the most prestigious baking school in the country. But when an undercover FBI agent (who also happens to be Santa’s son) catches wind of the scheme, he tries to help show them both that with a little Christmas magic anything is possible. They end up in jail anyway.

All I Want for Christmas is Jew

Hallmark Channel finally answers the age old question: what the fuck is Hannukah? The male lead spends ⅔ of the film’s runtime exhaustively explaining what the holiday means to a woman who has clearly never met Jewish person before. Religious differences are put aside when both of their families agree that the most important things in life are getting married, having kids, never moving away from family, and baking holiday cookies.

Godzilla vs. Cameron Candace Bure

After ingesting some radioactive confections at her family’s cookie factory, Hallmark movie staple Cameron Candace Bure develops some kaiju sized Christmas spirit. Her new power awakens the mighty Godzilla from his slumber, and he travels to the town of Snowville to lay the smackdown on Bure and defend his title as the “King of All Monsters”. Full House alum Jodie Sweetin also joins the fray as the voice of Mothra!