Astrology Buff Just Two TikToks Away from Hitting QAnon Algorithm

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

LOS ANGELES — Astrology enthusiast Allison Cleary remains unaware that she is merely two TikTok videos away from interacting with an algorithm dedicated to spreading the QAnon conspiracy theory, which will rapidly consume her personal and professional life, programmers from the social media platform confirmed.

“I know I’m a little obsessed with peoples’ charts. I tend to focus on one thing or another and really dissect it from every angle,” said Cleary, unaware that every swipe in the app was bringing her closer to the precipice. “That’s totally a Scorpio trait, which is my rising sign. It’s just really fun to learn new things about the stars on TikTok, Co-star, or even some of those new chatting apps like Parler where people post about numbers and dates and this event called ‘The Storm.’ I guess that’s a numerological thing, right now I’m just trying to figure out how the Punisher is connected to all of it, because all these people have that logo as their avatar.”

Cleary’s boyfriend Bob Milošević admits he isn’t concerned that the woman he shares a life with is dangerously close to the edge of being consumed by ridiculous conspiracy theories.

“Yeah, Allie spends a lot of time on TikTok but it’s harmless. That whole app is just people lip syncing and doing dumb dances,” said Milošević, incorrectly. “I mean, I let her do my chart and she now says ‘that makes a lot of sense for you’ when I basically do anything. But it’s not like she’s one of those weirdos who makes everything about a single aspect of an arcane belief structure and begins isolating herself from anyone who says otherwise. She’s cool.”

Deprogramming specialist Tabitha Smith reports an increase in app-related cult behavior in recent years.

“Extremist conspiracies like Qanon are nothing new,” said Smith. “It’s only ever the methods of indoctrination that change. In the ‘70s, it was New Age religious movements. In the ‘80s, it was jazzercise. Just left-of-center beliefs like astrology and reiki are perfect for encouraging people to start rejecting societal beliefs. But the thing that never gets any easier is trying to pull a loved one out of the loop of TikToks reinforcing shit about George Soros and JFK Jr. Frankly, she’s going to be lucky if she isn’t utterly convinced her dog is a Deep State agent in a week or so.”

As of press time, Cleary had narrowly avoided her fate by closing the app and turning on Fox News.

Opinion: Thank God It Went to Voicemail

Posted on by Josh Klasco

Jesus, that was a close one. I got that roller coaster feeling in my stomach for a second. You know that feeling when you’re driving and you almost hit a deer or something and then about 5 seconds later all the blood rushes to your face as your body catches up to the adrenaline? That’s how I feel. Thank god I’m safe. Thank god it went to voicemail.

Dialing that number was like walking to the electric chair. Sure, it’ll be over in a few minutes. But during those few minutes, I’m going to die. Am I blowing this out of proportion? Possibly. But now that I’ve survived another harrowing series of dial tones, I’d say my fears were completely justified.

My therapist told me about something called “avoidant behaviors” and how avoiding anxiety-provoking situations can actually increase your body’s anxious response to things in the future. This can cause a feedback loop of perpetual anxiety and avoidance that can lead to much more severe anxiety disorders such as OCD or agoraphobia. Hearing that stressed me out so I stopped going to therapy.

I also can’t cook so if DoorDash didn’t exist I would probably starve. I used to use Uber Eats but one time my driver called me for some reason. I ignored the call, deleted the app, and made a sandwich out of the condiments in my fridge.

In all honesty, I would rather die before I talk to another human being on the phone. Well, unless I’m lonely or bored or sober or something.

Middle Aged Man Says “Sounds Like R.E.M.” for Record 107,344th Time

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

GLENDALE, Ariz. — Duncan Figeroa, a forty-six father of two, broke a world record earlier today when he said the phrase “sounds like R.E.M.” for an awe-inspiring 107,344th time, confirmed sources who also indicated that he said “jangly guitars” several times in quick succession.

“I’ve worked with Duncan for like, three years,” said Alice Chang, who is frequently told about Figeroa’s current interests. “He really does talk about music a lot. Or at least, he talks about a pretty selective form of music, which is R.E.M.’s catalog and only that. But what’s really weird is that he does always find a way to pick out any single aspect of a piece of music and talk about how R.E.M. does it better. Like, when ‘Levitating’ by Dua Lipa was on the radio, he talked about how the bassline is clearly a Mike Mills ripoff. Or if a song has any kind of vocal distortion, he goes right into Michael Stipe pioneering the use of a megaphone.”

“Still, kind of cool to know a record holder,” she added. “Unless this makes him talk about R.E.M. even more. Shit.”

Figeroa’s 13-year old son, Collin, was even less enthusiastic.

“Look, R.E.M. is pretty fucking boring,” the younger Figeroa told reporters. “I never thought Dad would be the best at anything, but it does kind of make sense that he would be the best at something as dumb as this. I swear, he hasn’t listened to anything made after that stupid ‘Monster’ album, which he said he doesn’t even like that much. Then he lectured me about how ‘What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?’ is about Dan Rather getting mugged or something. I don’t even know who Dan Rather is.”

Musicologist Alan J. Johnson commended Foster on his accomplishment, but still diagnosed him with a very specific condition.

“Many rock fans of Mr. Figeroa’s generation are stuck in what we call a Berry-Buck-Mills-Stipe Feedback Loop, unable to break out and describe literally any piece of music in any other way,” said Johnson. “It’s tragic, really. While R.E.M. is undeniably an enormously influential band on any number of musical acts, like, get a life man. Try listening to a fucking Spacehogs album or something.”

As of press time, Figeroa was repeatedly demolishing his own personal best in describing Billie Eilish to his coworkers.

Divorced Woman Finally Has Something in Common With Parents

Posted on by Krissy Howard

ROCK SPRINGS, Wyo. — Recently divorced woman Marie Nowak can now finally say she has one thing in common with her parents following the dissolution of her marriage to longtime partner Jamie Gandy-Nowak.

“You know, growing up I never really felt like I could relate with my parents over anything, but this year, something changed,” a recently divorced Nowak stated, as she stood over the sink eating her third pizza-for-one this week. “Maybe it was the general loneliness from COVID, or maybe just the fact that I, too, am now single at 42 and meandering between being permanently horny and unwilling to share space with a human body in any capacity that might be considered remotely intimate. Who can really say?”

Nowak’s father, David Nowak, was shocked by the news of his daughter’s nine-year marriage coming to a bitter end.

“I can’t believe those two couldn’t work things out,” the elder Nowak stated. “Now that I think about it, though, I guess the little clues were always there. I can remember Marie complaining about how Jamie was always nagging her to spend more time together, probably kinda like how my ungrateful bitch ex-wife used to do to me pretty much the whole time we were together. I guess everything just pays for itself, right? I don’t know Maggie didn’t try slowing down at work and making time for her marriage, it was solid otherwise, but I guess hindsight’s 20/20.”

Relationship experts assert that children learn their attachment and love styles from their primary caregivers early on, and only some go on to unlearn harmful messaging.

“Divorce doesn’t always harm children, and in almost all cases it’s better for everyone, but studies show higher divorce rates among people who come from divorced homes,” said Dr. Evangeline Turner. “Fortunately for such adult children, having this in common with their parental figures allows them to commiserate on things other than just Joe Biden, reasons notwithstanding, and can help expand their conversations to include how hard it is to cook for one person, and why spending the holidays alone is actually better.”

At press time, all three divorced Nowaks were unknowingly booking spots on the same singles cruise.

Woman Finds Perfect Dress to Vomit André All Over in Uber Home on New Year’s Eve

Posted on by Dianne Nora

AMHERST, N.Y. — Claudia Piper has selected the dress that she will vomit André Spumante all over this New Year’s Eve, most likely while in an Uber home from her friend Stephanie’s cousin’s basement party.

“I love the sparkles and the bright pattern on this one,” Piper said, observing her reflection in the mirror of the Forever 21 dressing room. “My boobs look great in this, and it’s machine washable, so even after I’ve gotten sick all over it, I can probably wear it for, like, an interview or a third date or something nice like that in 2022. I really feel like it’s going to be my year, so I want to make sure I ring it in right.”

Stephanie Esquivel, who describes herself as Piper’s “ride-or-die,” said Piper’s vomiting had become an anticipated event at important gatherings for years.

“I love her, but you try convincing this bitch that she can’t take shots all night after having a full bottle of wine for dinner,” Esquivel said. “I tried to give her a glass of water on Paddy’s Day, and she called me a narc and told everyone I was part of a conspiracy to make her break the seal. I’m just really hoping she can get an Uber this year, because I can’t keep deep cleaning my Prius.”

Mac Mathis, a blogger who writes on sartorial trends among millennials and Gen-Z, confirmed that New Year’s presents unique challenges for women’s fashion.

“There are a few key staples of a perfect New Year’s Eve ensemble,” Mathis said. “Most importantly, you want to make sure it’s completely seasonally inappropriate—if your teeth aren’t chattering, lose a layer immediately. If you live in a particularly icy area, you’ll want to pair your skimpy dress with some very cheap stilettos. If you opt for a romper or jumpsuit, make sure it’s difficult to get on and off, so you have to get completely naked in a bathroom stall while the line outside you gets progressively longer. And don’t forget to top it off with a bold lip! Perfect for a midnight kiss, and it will make it easier to see which glass is yours.”

At press time, Piper was Googling a recipe for Jell-O shots, because she reportedly thinks it is irresponsible to drink on an empty stomach.

We Sat Down With a Gun Violence Expert in Between His English and Biology Classes

Posted on by Tony Morse

Unless you live on Mars or with your boomer parents who only watch Newsmax, you’ve likely noticed that the United States has a bit of an issue with gun violence. And given all the targeted ads for bulletproof backpacks that Facebook keeps showing to parents, we’re clearly lacking any real solutions.

Now that Republican members of Congress are doing family Christmas photos with everyone gripping more firepower than your average Allied soldier had on D-Day, we’re guessing that semi-automatic pistols, extended-capacity magazines, and probably hand grenades at this point, are going to be pretty popular stocking stuffers this year.

So how are kids dealing with this pediatric arms race? We spoke with noted gun violence expert and self-described “math whiz,” little Tommy Phillips to find out!

The Hard Times: Hey little Tommy! How was English? That was our favorite subject!
Tommy Phillips: I like English because my desk is secure in the rear corner of the classroom. I don’t have any blind spots and there’s adequate window access for escape.

We see. What are you guys reading?
The Outsiders. Can you imagine being so histrionic about fistfights and knives? What a bunch of pussies.

Yeah… You’ve got Biology next?
Yep. Bio is cool. Learning about the human body reminds me of how to treat a sucking chest wound.

A what?
A wound that creates a hole in your chest, roughly the size of a nickel or dime. It makes a sucking or hissing sound when you try to breathe. Small arms fire can cause them. Didn’t you learn that when you were in middle school?

No, the only time we talked about holes was in sex ed. Ha! Get it? Sorry, just trying to lighten the mood.
What is sex ed?

That’s… troubling. You’ve probably heard about the Michigan parents who gave their son a gun that he, um, brought to school.
You don’t need to talk to me like a child. Ethan Crumbley caused 11 casualties, including 4 KIAs and 7 wounded.

Do you worry about parents giving their kids guns?
For purposes of maintaining proper situational readiness, I assume everyone here is armed.

Oh. Uh, are you excited for Christmas?
Kids today don’t think in concepts like “the future.” The present is all we have.

That is chilling.
Perhaps. Oh, I also want a PlayStation 5!

Okay, but no games with guns. We heard they cause violence.

Psychopath Listens to New Album on Shuffle

Posted on by Rachel Steele

TACOMA, Wash. — Local deranged person Billy “Bile” Harrison reportedly listened to the album created by his friend Jake Gomez on shuffle rather than from start to finish like some kind of absolute maniac.

“All my music is shuffled,” Harrison said with a glazed, lifeless look in his eye while tossing a Slim Jim to his python’s tank. “I just don’t understand people who listen to just one album when they could listen to all music all the time like a big primordial soup. If there’s a song that has an ending that sort of blends into the beginning of the next song, well then so be it. I like the sensation that the unpredictability provides, like the pin prickly feeling you get when you hit your funny bone on a table.”

Gomez expressed his heartbreak after learning his friend didn’t listen to his album in the order he designed.

“All of those tracks were carefully arranged to create an inclusive aural experience,” he said. “The listener is taken on a journey with this album. But just shuffling the whole thing like a weirdo completely ruins the art. Bile is a real piece of work, it’s a wonder he made it this far in life. Yesterday, I caught him playing random tracks of Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall’ the other day. You don’t just randomly listen to Pink Floyd, you plan an afternoon around it! Fucking psycho!”

Gomez’s producer Tony Tucker nearly spit his drink upon hearing the news, but isn’t entirely surprised that a mortal human would stoop so low.

“Shuffle? What is this, ‘The Shining?’ I slaved over Jake’s album. I spent so many hours lining up every song perfectly. I even let him do that acoustic solo ballad because I knew it would be sandwiched between two way better tracks,” Tucker held back tears and struggled to continue. “Now you’re telling me people out there are listening to that track in isolation? I’m ruined! I suppose next you’re going to tell me they don’t listen to my music on $900 NS-10 the way I intended. Some people are truly monsters.”

At press time, Harrison finally gave his opinion on Gomez’s acoustic track, stating it sounds great after sandwiching it between Metallica and Kanye West amid a shuffled playlist.

If You’re Going to Talk Shit About Me at Least Have the Decency To Do It Behind My Back Like a Coward

Posted on by Kevin Tit

First things fucking first. Who the hell do you think you are talking to? Airing your grievances about me straight to my fucking face at the office holiday party like that? In front of all of our coworkers! Just because I told the intern that you smell worse than your wife looks? That doesn’t justify what you did. Listen, if you’re going to talk shit about me you could at least have the decency to do it behind my back, like the coward I wish you were.

Seriously? It’s 2021 and you’re out here confronting people in person. Are you some sort of cave person whose ice casket just thawed out yesterday? In a civilized society, if you have a problem with someone you make small talk about it with other people or you post about it on the Internet. The one thing you absolutely never ever do is approach the person who has wronged you and address them directly.

I don’t know what the world was like for you back in nineteen eighty-whatever, but that is not how we do things in the modern age. You’re just lucky I don’t have a gun because when you called my name, my life felt threatened and I would have been within my full rights to shoot you dead right then and there. I seriously thought you were going to punch me in the face when you started bringing up how I wouldn’t approve your sick day request for chemotherapy treatment. And not because deep down I know I deserve it. It’s because you have no decency.

So I’m begging you. In the future, just do what the rest of us do and keep all your shit-talking behind people’s back where it’s safe. Like a coward. A coward with decency.

Skeptics Question Scientific Link Between Weight Gain & Drinking 12 PBRs At Every Show

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

INDIANAPOLIS – A small but visibly-confused group of free thinkers stormed the HI-FI Annex stage to incoherently question the connection between weight gain and drinking a dozen semi-cold Pabst Blue Ribbons at every show, confused audience members confirmed.

“There’s no way the weight gain I’ve experienced since I started drinking at shows in high school was caused by beer!” said Matt Hartsell, the group’s leader, while shotgunning a PBR and spitting all over the front row. “This junk science–a false flag operation if I’ve ever seen one–is meant to keep us from experiencing the freedom of drinking a 12-pack of Blue Ribbon in the parking lot between bands! There was a documentary called ‘Road Soda’ that Facebook took down last week and it proved that exercise and nutrition are propaganda created by the liberal deep state elite to keep us running on a treadmill instead of back to the bar.”

Jason Bonham, Hartsell’s former roommate and witness to the stage takeover, came away from the experience with more questions than answers.

“That group brought up some good points. Everybody wants to call them crazy, but I only drink at shows and keep getting bigger and more uncomfortable. I’m glad they’re asking questions because something weird is going on here,” Bonham said between long, trash-scented belches. “Moshing for 30 or 40 seconds every two songs is more than enough physical activity to maintain the physical fitness I had in my early 20s. I’ll check that documentary out on YouTube and follow some of these people on Twitter just to get all sides of the story.”

Primary care physician Kaleb Robins worries about the well-being of his former patient and associates.

“This uprising is being led by a man that crushed a sixer in the parking lot before his last physical. I thought he was a nihilist–I didn’t realize he was actually health-illiterate,” Robins lamented between patients. “I started my career in the latter days of MK-ULTRA. We did some shady stuff, but we never messed with beer. And I’m pretty sure the documentary Matt keeps referencing was a bit from a comedy podcast, but I won’t send him to AA yet. If I do, he’ll storm another stage in six months to abolish the 21st Amendment. Matt does not understand moderation.”

At press time, the group issued tweets declaring that craft beer has psychoactive properties placed there by the FDA, CDC, and NSA to keep microbrewing and macrobrewing enthusiasts divided.

How Dare You Accuse Me, a Straight Man Who Paints His Nails, of Misogyny

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

Hey girl. Hey! I almost didn’t see you over the reflection from my nails, which are painted midnight black, as you can see. I could hear your very shrill voice though, calling out to me. What? You really think I’m a misogynist? Is it because of the super funny joke about Roe V. Wade I told my boys at the bar? Either way, I’m here to let you know that is impossible. Did you not notice my fingernails?

Maybe your female brain couldn’t make the connection, but my nails are painted. With fingernail polish. Like chicks do. I’m clearly in touch with my feminine side so I know a thing or two about how females think.

What’s with all the hostility? Not to gaslight you, but you came up to me and started this conversation. Also, you said you’d buy me a drink. I’m thinking whisk- ahh, haha. You almost got me. I’m a chick’s kind of guy, as you may recall from my nails. I’ll have a vodka cran.

Seriously shut up, I fucking love women. Especially pretty ones. Because I’m straight, remember? Don’t forget that.

Damn you’re such a wet blanket. I might have even invited you back to my place to listen to Lil Peep and chill. I would have paid for your Uber home too. Guys without painted nails wouldn’t do that, ya know.

Okay well it seems like you’re pretty mad at me for whatever reason so I’m gonna bail. Is it your time of the month or something? I know that can make women irrational. You saw my nails, right?

Oh, so now you’re just gonna ignore me? Whatever, screw you then. I never even wanted to talk to you or your lame-ass friends. I’ve got like 5 Hinge matches who are way hotter than you waiting for my “u up” text tonight. And unlike you, they appreciate sensitive, manicured men like me.

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