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We Sat Down With a Gun Violence Expert in Between His English and Biology Classes

Unless you live on Mars or with your boomer parents who only watch Newsmax, you’ve likely noticed that the United States has a bit of an issue with gun violence. And given all the targeted ads for bulletproof backpacks that Facebook keeps showing to parents, we’re clearly lacking any real solutions.

Now that Republican members of Congress are doing family Christmas photos with everyone gripping more firepower than your average Allied soldier had on D-Day, we’re guessing that semi-automatic pistols, extended-capacity magazines, and probably hand grenades at this point, are going to be pretty popular stocking stuffers this year.

So how are kids dealing with this pediatric arms race? We spoke with noted gun violence expert and self-described “math whiz,” little Tommy Phillips to find out!

The Hard Times: Hey little Tommy! How was English? That was our favorite subject!
Tommy Phillips: I like English because my desk is secure in the rear corner of the classroom. I don’t have any blind spots and there’s adequate window access for escape.

We see. What are you guys reading?
The Outsiders. Can you imagine being so histrionic about fistfights and knives? What a bunch of pussies.

Yeah… You’ve got Biology next?
Yep. Bio is cool. Learning about the human body reminds me of how to treat a sucking chest wound.

A what?
A wound that creates a hole in your chest, roughly the size of a nickel or dime. It makes a sucking or hissing sound when you try to breathe. Small arms fire can cause them. Didn’t you learn that when you were in middle school?

No, the only time we talked about holes was in sex ed. Ha! Get it? Sorry, just trying to lighten the mood.
What is sex ed?

That’s… troubling. You’ve probably heard about the Michigan parents who gave their son a gun that he, um, brought to school.
You don’t need to talk to me like a child. Ethan Crumbley caused 11 casualties, including 4 KIAs and 7 wounded.

Do you worry about parents giving their kids guns?
For purposes of maintaining proper situational readiness, I assume everyone here is armed.

Oh. Uh, are you excited for Christmas?
Kids today don’t think in concepts like “the future.” The present is all we have.

That is chilling.
Perhaps. Oh, I also want a PlayStation 5!

Okay, but no games with guns. We heard they cause violence.