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Middle Aged Man Says “Sounds Like R.E.M.” for Record 107,344th Time

GLENDALE, Ariz. — Duncan Figeroa, a forty-six father of two, broke a world record earlier today when he said the phrase “sounds like R.E.M.” for an awe-inspiring 107,344th time, confirmed sources who also indicated that he said “jangly guitars” several times in quick succession.

“I’ve worked with Duncan for like, three years,” said Alice Chang, who is frequently told about Figeroa’s current interests. “He really does talk about music a lot. Or at least, he talks about a pretty selective form of music, which is R.E.M.’s catalog and only that. But what’s really weird is that he does always find a way to pick out any single aspect of a piece of music and talk about how R.E.M. does it better. Like, when ‘Levitating’ by Dua Lipa was on the radio, he talked about how the bassline is clearly a Mike Mills ripoff. Or if a song has any kind of vocal distortion, he goes right into Michael Stipe pioneering the use of a megaphone.”

“Still, kind of cool to know a record holder,” she added. “Unless this makes him talk about R.E.M. even more. Shit.”

Figeroa’s 13-year old son, Collin, was even less enthusiastic.

“Look, R.E.M. is pretty fucking boring,” the younger Figeroa told reporters. “I never thought Dad would be the best at anything, but it does kind of make sense that he would be the best at something as dumb as this. I swear, he hasn’t listened to anything made after that stupid ‘Monster’ album, which he said he doesn’t even like that much. Then he lectured me about how ‘What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?’ is about Dan Rather getting mugged or something. I don’t even know who Dan Rather is.”

Musicologist Alan J. Johnson commended Foster on his accomplishment, but still diagnosed him with a very specific condition.

“Many rock fans of Mr. Figeroa’s generation are stuck in what we call a Berry-Buck-Mills-Stipe Feedback Loop, unable to break out and describe literally any piece of music in any other way,” said Johnson. “It’s tragic, really. While R.E.M. is undeniably an enormously influential band on any number of musical acts, like, get a life man. Try listening to a fucking Spacehogs album or something.”

As of press time, Figeroa was repeatedly demolishing his own personal best in describing Billie Eilish to his coworkers.