ROCK SPRINGS, Wyo. — Recently divorced woman Marie Nowak can now finally say she has one thing in common with her parents following the dissolution of her marriage to longtime partner Jamie Gandy-Nowak.
“You know, growing up I never really felt like I could relate with my parents over anything, but this year, something changed,” a recently divorced Nowak stated, as she stood over the sink eating her third pizza-for-one this week. “Maybe it was the general loneliness from COVID, or maybe just the fact that I, too, am now single at 42 and meandering between being permanently horny and unwilling to share space with a human body in any capacity that might be considered remotely intimate. Who can really say?”
Nowak’s father, David Nowak, was shocked by the news of his daughter’s nine-year marriage coming to a bitter end.
“I can’t believe those two couldn’t work things out,” the elder Nowak stated. “Now that I think about it, though, I guess the little clues were always there. I can remember Marie complaining about how Jamie was always nagging her to spend more time together, probably kinda like how my ungrateful bitch ex-wife used to do to me pretty much the whole time we were together. I guess everything just pays for itself, right? I don’t know Maggie didn’t try slowing down at work and making time for her marriage, it was solid otherwise, but I guess hindsight’s 20/20.”
Relationship experts assert that children learn their attachment and love styles from their primary caregivers early on, and only some go on to unlearn harmful messaging.
“Divorce doesn’t always harm children, and in almost all cases it’s better for everyone, but studies show higher divorce rates among people who come from divorced homes,” said Dr. Evangeline Turner. “Fortunately for such adult children, having this in common with their parental figures allows them to commiserate on things other than just Joe Biden, reasons notwithstanding, and can help expand their conversations to include how hard it is to cook for one person, and why spending the holidays alone is actually better.”
At press time, all three divorced Nowaks were unknowingly booking spots on the same singles cruise.