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Woman Finds Perfect Dress to Vomit André All Over in Uber Home on New Year’s Eve

AMHERST, N.Y. — Claudia Piper has selected the dress that she will vomit André Spumante all over this New Year’s Eve, most likely while in an Uber home from her friend Stephanie’s cousin’s basement party.

“I love the sparkles and the bright pattern on this one,” Piper said, observing her reflection in the mirror of the Forever 21 dressing room. “My boobs look great in this, and it’s machine washable, so even after I’ve gotten sick all over it, I can probably wear it for, like, an interview or a third date or something nice like that in 2022. I really feel like it’s going to be my year, so I want to make sure I ring it in right.”

Stephanie Esquivel, who describes herself as Piper’s “ride-or-die,” said Piper’s vomiting had become an anticipated event at important gatherings for years.

“I love her, but you try convincing this bitch that she can’t take shots all night after having a full bottle of wine for dinner,” Esquivel said. “I tried to give her a glass of water on Paddy’s Day, and she called me a narc and told everyone I was part of a conspiracy to make her break the seal. I’m just really hoping she can get an Uber this year, because I can’t keep deep cleaning my Prius.”

Mac Mathis, a blogger who writes on sartorial trends among millennials and Gen-Z, confirmed that New Year’s presents unique challenges for women’s fashion.

“There are a few key staples of a perfect New Year’s Eve ensemble,” Mathis said. “Most importantly, you want to make sure it’s completely seasonally inappropriate—if your teeth aren’t chattering, lose a layer immediately. If you live in a particularly icy area, you’ll want to pair your skimpy dress with some very cheap stilettos. If you opt for a romper or jumpsuit, make sure it’s difficult to get on and off, so you have to get completely naked in a bathroom stall while the line outside you gets progressively longer. And don’t forget to top it off with a bold lip! Perfect for a midnight kiss, and it will make it easier to see which glass is yours.”

At press time, Piper was Googling a recipe for Jell-O shots, because she reportedly thinks it is irresponsible to drink on an empty stomach.