We Ranked the Top Metal Albums of 2021 per Subgenre, and We Just Made Some up To See if You Could Spot the Difference

Posted on by Matt McInerney

Metal is all about precision. The meticulousness of a face-melting solo, the accuracy of a complex repeated riff. The exactness of a relentless blast beat. And, most importantly, the VERY SPECIFIC words you must use to describe bands in the genre so metalheads don’t yell at you on the internet.

Below are the best metal albums from all of our favorite subgenres this year. Oh, and we made some up because, honestly, no one can tell the fucking difference anyway.

Mathcore/Deathgrind/Powerviolence Album of the Year
Pupil Slicer “Mirrors”
You all know we had to put a Powerviolence album on this list. The problem is, like any good fan, we haven’t heard a new Powerviolence band since 1997. So we just Googled it and tried to find a band with a savage name. And Pupil Slicer is a pretty fucking metal name. Oh also, their Facebook says they’re Mathcore and Deathgrind so they were perfect for the category.

Dianetic Prog Metal Album of the Year
Wall of Fire “The Galactic Confederacy”
This space opera concept album takes us through the story of Xenu, the tyrant ruler, and his journey to Earth. This symphonic soundscape weaves through tracks like “A Thousand Volcanoes Detonated by Hydrogen Bombs” and “The Electronic Ribbon Vacuum Zone” in an attempt to bolster the teachings of noted suer, L. Ron Hubbard. This is the perfect soundtrack for isolating your body thetans. Also for fans of Coheed and Cambria.

Brutal Death Metal Album of the Year
Cannibal Corpse “Violence Unimagined”
Here’s the deal: They made another rad death metal album. If you like this sort of thing, you’ll love it. But can we talk about the album art for a second? Fucking BOO! It’s just some scary blood teeth. What, no skeleton dissecting another gutted skeleton? No bloody demon eating itself? No weird torture devices? This belongs on a kid’s lunchbox.

Unmanned Drone Metal Album of the Year
Frigid Air “Flowing Cold”
The ambient sounds of Frigid Air’s debut album are almost inhuman. A near mechanical precision pervades this atmospheric soundscape. On the track “Serial Number Q3B011001738” an everpresent low and slow hum builds to a tiny crescendo, and then it’s gone like it was never there at all. This mysterious band lists no members in the liner notes, just a list of obscure gear that doesn’t show one identifiable brand of guitar or pedal. A true drone gem.

Metalcore/Fashioncore Album of the Year
The Devil Wears Prada “ZII”
The kings are back! Get ready Hot Topic, because as things open back up we’re coming for your guyliner and chain necklaces. Because TDWP has dropped yet another banger. Wait a minute? They don’t look like that anymore? Why are they wearing sweaters? Probably ’cause the world’s so cold.

/**/

Weird Family Opens Presents Sober

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

GARY, Ind. — Cass Pollard was shocked this Christmas to discover that their partner’s family apparently opens Christmas presents stone-cold sober the entire time, sources close to the family confirmed.

“I got worried when I couldn’t smell Mark’s dad when he opened the door,” remarked Pollard with terrified confusion. “I kept thinking they maybe all had to work later in the day, but I guess they just…like each other? And they’re not a sober family, they just happened to not be completely shitfaced in each other’s company on Christmas. My family won’t even brush their teeth Christmas morning without chasing their Listerine with whiskey. It was like spending the holidays with a screen-saver.”

Individuals on the scene at the time were unaware they were involved in a bizarre incident.

“I thought everyone did this,” commented Pollard’s partner, Mark DeCoda. “I know all families are different, but I thought this was just like all of those other classic Christmas traditions, like snow jousting or graverobbing. It’s been this way since I was a kid. We’d bury ourselves in our sleeping holes the night before so that Santa couldn’t smell us, then wake up and try to collect as much of Santa’s DNA as possible. Call me old-fashioned, but if that’s considered weird then color me strange, I guess.”

“Maybe it’s that Cass and I are from different religions; they were raised Baptist, and I was raised Southern Baptist. It’s a real shame they’re going to Hell for this,” he added.

Experts have struggled for years to decipher this odd phenomena, which seems to have proliferated in the past decade.

“We call it Hallmark Syndrome,” explained Dr. Lita Chang, a psychologist and author of the book ‘You’re Killing Your Father: A Guide To Thanksgiving Yelling.’ “It’s a delusion shared by an individual or a group that Christmas is something special and pure as opposed to a consumerist nightmare hellbent on turning families into packs of feral hogs. It begins with sobriety but mutates into the belief that a big–city gal can return to her hometown and discover the true meaning of Christmas from some barn hunk. My best recommendation is to stock up on spite for the holiday, maybe by visiting a retail store and watching rich people shop on the 23rd.”

At press time, the DeCoda’s had yet to open their presents after making the ludicrous claim that Christmas isn’t about gifts.

5 More Family Members I Hope a Reindeer Tramples Now That Grandma’s Out of the Way

Posted on by Ed Saincome

Success! My grandma got run over in a freak reindeer accident which puts me one step closer to my family’s fortune. Look, I’m just an innocent spectator in the game of lies and treachery that is my family and our internal battle for supremacy. I would never get involved. And, yes, I did see grandma’s will. And also, yes, I was a bit enraged by what I saw. But whatever, I’m over it. Anyway, here’s a list of 5 family members who I hope also get mysteriously trampled, in no particular order. Wait, no. This is in a very particular order:

Lance (brother)
Man, this guy was so fucking cool when we were kids. Losing Lance would be rough. Then again, he’s been insufferable ever since coming home after his freshman year at Sarah Lawrence. Now he thinks he can act like a know-it-all snob. Who does he think he is? Me?! Now that I think about it, I can’t wait to see him trapped under Dasher’s hooves.

Chelsea (Lance’s fiancé)
How in the fuck was Chelsea above me on the God damn will?! She may not be blood but her blood will run as red as the nose of the reindeer that runs her over.

John (cousin)
John is from Philly so he pronounces his name like “Jawn.” Shouldn’t that disqualify him from our family’s riches? Doesn’t matter. He’ll be “disqualified” on one foggy Christmas eve when my reindeer guy comes to town. Better put down that cheesesteak and start running, Jawn!

Kenneth (uncle)
Me and uncle Ken have no beef. This one is purely professional. I’m gonna tip my reindeer guy double after this “accident.”

Steve (stepdad)
I’ve spent the last nine years telling Steve he’s not my real dad, but that doesn’t stop him from standing between me and my real family’s fortune. Once me and my flock of murderous reindeer have cleared this final hurdle, I will be the sole benefactor of the $1,200 in grandma’s checking account.

Ghost of Christmas Past Shows Man His Faux Hawk Phase

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

SOUTH BEND, Ind. – Notorious asshole Bill Finley was kidnapped in the middle of the night by a disembodied paranormal entity and taken on an adventure through time and space to witness his faux hawk phase firsthand, grateful sources confirmed.

“That was an era in my life I had completely blocked out of my mind. Then I was transported to an Avenged Sevenfold and Atreyu show in 2007. Once I saw myself standing there with all that product in my hair, bedazzled True Religion jeans, and a skin-tight Affliction shirt, I couldn’t unsee how pathetic I was,” Finley said while shaking his head mournfully. “I could’ve shaved the sides and gotten a real mohawk or dyed my hair blue, but I didn’t. I had a head full of stiff, brown poser hair. I would give anything to go back and change my ways.”

When questioned about the experience, the spirit chuckled at Mr. Finley’s fashion faux pas as well as those it had yet to visit for simultaneously wearing black eyeliner, beanies with brims, and all-over print hoodies.

“I’ve done a lot of these benevolent midnight kidnappings, and this is one of the worst. He looked like a body double for every member of 18 Visions if they had stopped working out,” the ghost chided while also observing a nearby man wearing a Carhartt jacket and Yeezy Boosts. “Seeing himself at that show was painful because Bill finally realized he looked like an asshole to everyone else around him. You hate to see someone in pain, but it’s how I know I’ve done my job.”

Kalon Hair Lab owner and stylist Addam Stewart, believed to be the creator of the faux hawk, sincerely regrets unleashing the mistake on the masses.

“Honestly, I was really hungover that day and couldn’t keep it together. I was supposed to do a mohawk and had to sit down or I was going to throw up, so I gave my client a quick fade and some product and called it a day. It was an abomination that should’ve been shaved before it hit the sidewalk,” Stewart remarked while slamming a Red Bull between clients. “The faux hawk is the greatest mistake of my career. At first it was just people in Orange County that loved it, but once it hit Myspace, there was no stopping it.”

When reached for further comment, Finley expressed optimism that his new mullet, joggers, Crocs, and Supreme hoodies will create a timeless look that will never go out of style.

Craft Beer Snob Secretly Relieved He Can Drink Hard Seltzer Instead Of IPAs Now

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

PORTLAND, Ore. — Perpetual IPA drinker Benson Watley is reportedly relieved, albeit secretly, that he can now enjoy hard seltzers without the social stigma once attached to drinking them, sources close to the Carhartt-clad man confirmed.

“IPAs have kind of always been my thing, at least since high school when I first drank Heady Topper with the cooks behind the restaurant we worked at. But low key, these hard seltzer things get you pretty buzzed and I don’t have to lie about how much I like the taste,” said Watley. “I would never check this in on Untappd though–my beer buddies would roast me nonstop for it. I usually take a six-pack home and enjoy them while I make vegan food. I’ve been trying to cut down on red meat for a while now, I just put on a show about eating burgers when I’m in public.”

Watley’s housemate Paula Tempino confirmed the beer aficionado’s change of heart, even suggesting he might be downplaying it.

“Last weekend after we’d all gotten pretty buzzed, Benson straight-up admitted to me that he prefers these hard seltzers to beer now,” said Tempino, holding up an empty case of VII by Canarchy that she’d found in the bottom of the recycling bin. “We were all shocked because he’s usually such a snob about drinking the heaviest, haziest shit he can find when we’re out at bars. Last year he wouldn’t even order a session in public because he said it might as well be water.”

Portland-area bartender Carter Kortan, who has served thousands of patrons like Watley, claims to have noticed a quiet shift in attitudes toward hard seltzers, which he welcomes with open arms.

“Before the pandemic, every dude with a bushy beard and beanie would come in here asking what craft double IPA we had on draft this week. Nowadays, it seems like more of these hop-obsessed flannel-wearing types are branching out and trying new drinks, even hard seltzers,” he said. “I for one am happy with the change: no one should feel pressured to drink certain things because that’s what is expected of them. And the atmosphere is much more fun when people drink what they actually want, which bags me more tips, so win-win I guess.”

At press time, Watley was spotted proudly sipping a Doomberry hard seltzer while telling his friends he would still never try a Beyond Burger.

Santa Claus Is Coming to Town? Fuck, I Still Owe That Guy 50 Bucks!

Posted on by Rob Walker

Did you hear the news? Santa Claus is coming to town! For most, that means putting out the cookies and milk and eagerly awaiting his arrival. For me, it means boarding up my chimney and spraying reindeer poison all over my lawn. Because while Santa may be coming to bring you all presents, he’s coming to my house to collect. I never should’ve borrowed $50 from the most ruthless debt collector this side of the North Pole.

Most folks think of Santa as a pleasantly plump old elf who hands out presents. But I can tell you that he also has a dark side. The man keeps and updates a list of “naughty children.” Santa holds a grudge. God only knows what he does to people who give him bounced checks.

Admittedly, borrowing money from Kris Kringle wasn’t my proudest moment. I was behind on my rent and, if I’m being perfectly honest, I had made some lousy crypto investments. Who would have thought the “JizzCoin” bubble would burst, leaving egg all over my face? Anyway, I had to get to my mom’s house and needed to get the boot off my car. That’s when that jolly piece of shit appeared out of nowhere with a 50 dollar bill. At the time I thought it was a gift. When he laid his finger aside of his nose, I thought that was the end of it.

Santa doesn’t play, boys and girls. He is relentless. From the day after Thanksgiving to December 26th, his rosy-red ass is everywhere. He knows when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He can break into your fucking house, so don’t borrow money for him for goodness sake!

Maybe I just need to level with that velvet-covered toy-pimp. Hopefully, he’ll be riding high on free cookies and kissing mommies that he’ll let this one go until next year. Maybe I could offer him a JizzCoin.

Touring Band’s Secret Santa Exchange Has Firm Two Drink Ticket Budget

Posted on by Zach Raffio

LAUGHLIN, Nev. — Touring band Jug Blowers attempted to avoid the drama of last year’s disastrous holiday festivities by enacting a firm two drink ticket budget for their group Secret Santa exchange, the frugal ensemble confirmed.

“We don’t want anyone going overboard or anything. If we don’t set these sorts of budgets then some members might think we are playing favorites,” noted drummer Anastasia Torrence, trying to slyly gauge whether the bass play was more of a pale ale or cider guy. “We all love to give, and there is no better feeling than opening up your gift and finding two vouchers for comped drinks. Some of these can even be combined to get a single basket of tater tots, which is really cool.”

The band was seen trying to wrap their drink tickets in toilet paper from the bar bathroom, careful not to let their fellow rockers sneak a peek.

“This is the fourth year we’ve done this and this has been the least stressful so far. The first year we did it I gifted our keyboardist writing credit on three songs and that nearly caused the band to break up,” claimed singer Henry Curr, who still doesn’t speak with their former guitarist due to what they call the “grilled cheese situation”. “Setting limits has helped with band unity. Sure, last year and I somehow ended up getting myself as my own Secret Santa and used a bunch of the band funds to get a huge tattoo on my back, but they have all forgiven me by now.”

Louisa Kanon, bartender at Meats & Beats where the gift exchange occurred, weighed in on the flimsy gift exchange.

“These things always get me in the holiday spirit. I’ve seen bands use all kinds of secret santa methods,” stated Kanon while standing near the venue’s “Christmas Tree,” which is just the small bush outside where everyone smokes. “Some bands exchange bottles of Five Hour Energy. Sometimes a guitarist will load in all the drummer’s gear. One year I saw a band exchange their own merch with one another. They… they broke up.”

At press time, current guitarist Hannah Bullkop was reportedly going the “homemade” route, gifting her recipient a batch of homemade wine she’s been fermenting throughout the tour in an empty Gatorade bottle she found.

Real Life ‘Christmas Carol?’ This Woman Was Texted by Three Pale Men From Her Past on Christmas Eve

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Charles Dickens’ 1843 novella A Christmas Carol tells the story of Ebenezer Scrooge, an old miser who is shown the error of his ways by three foreboding spirits. Would you believe it if we told you that one local woman just went on her own holiday journey of self discovery? One that provided a terrifying look at what her life might have become?

Sheryl Doggins was home alone watching TV on Christmas Eve when she received what would be the first of three text messages from some of the pale, sickly men she had dated over the years.

“I was just sitting there on the couch watching The Crown when I felt a chill come over the room,” Doggins said. “That’s when my phone vibrated and I saw a text from Trey. It said, ‘Lmao hey. Just thinking about the Christmas we spent together. Are you keeping warm?” I guess that’s in reference to the year I skipped Christmas to stay with him at his apartment with no heat. Why would he think that was a fond memory for me? I can’t believe I almost followed him to Tampa.”

It wasn’t long before Sheryl was visited upon by another malnourished man from her past.

“As soon as I saw Brandon’s name pop up on my screen, the smell of stale cigarette smoke flooded my memory. The thing is, our text conversation was pretty nice for a little while. But it wasn’t long before he started asking for nudes.”

Sheryl was ready to change her ways and live a more righteous life, but she was yet to face the final specter from her haunted past.

“The text from Kyle just said, ‘Sup.’ Really? He stole my sister’s Xbox for coke money and all he’s got to say is ‘sup?’ I don’t know why I’ve wasted so much of my life on men like Kyle. And I truly have no idea why I just invited him over.”

Lead Singer Refuses to Help Drummer Unload Christmas Gifts from Car

Posted on by Tim Nash

SACRAMENTO — Local post-punk heroes Modern Error have been on the verge of collapse due to lead singer Jeremy Larson refusing to help bring in Christmas gifts from outside, citing exhaustion, seniority, and just about anything else he can think of.

“I’m out there each and every night putting one thousand percent of myself into these shows and my bandmates want me to risk life and limb carrying in gifts? I don’t think, if I throw out my back then this band is basically done for,” said Larson while drinking a mug of tea. “And not to mention that I need to be well-rested for the gift exchange. People are going to expect me to take the lead, hand out all the presents, and gleefully announce what each item is. I’m basically the ‘Santa’ of this entire goddamn scene.”

While other members of the group seemed unfazed by the ordeal, drummer Mikey Donnelly has found it difficult to work past Larson’s brazen attitude toward holiday cheer.

“He said the same thing last year. I was so busy loading in all the gifts that nobody even made me a hot chocolate. I had to make my own, and by that time we were out of marshmallows,” mumbled a visibly upset Donnelly as he choked back tears. “I really thought it would be different this time. I even made sure I was assigned as his secret Santa so he would get something good. But some people just don’t seem to change, even after all we’ve been through.”

Psychologist Morgan Sullivan has made the selfish nature of lead singers a focal point of her latest research.

“For all of their talk of unity and harmony a frontman spouts, you would think it’s natural for these feelings to heighten during the holidays, but astonishingly, it’s quite the opposite. Lead singers actually get more self-absorbed during Christmas,” said Sullivan. “I’m reminded of the time Billie Joe Armstrong sabotaged an entire neighborhood carollers outing at an orphanage just because Tré Cool took the ‘best Santa hat.’ Tré never really recovered, and those poor kids had to watch Billie Joe smash a guitar into pieces while screaming ‘Good King Wenceslas’ at the top of his lungs. It was quite disturbing.”

At press time, Larson was thoroughly unimpressed with his Secret Santa gift: a framed photo of him and Donnelly on their first tour.

Gift of the Magi? This Girl Sold Her Hair To Get Her Boyfriend a Tattoo and Her Boyfriend Sold His Guitar To Get Himself a Tattoo

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

In what can only be described as a Christmas miracle, the holiday news cycle has brought us yet another heartwarming tale of how love can rise above circumstance. This holiday season, one modern couple inadvertently recreated The Gift of the Magi when this girl sold her hair to get her boyfriend the tattoo he’d been wanting all year. Meanwhile, her boyfriend sold his guitar to buy himself the exact same tattoo.

What a lucky couple!

Hattie Kennedy only works part-time at a used book store while trying to get her Installation Art career off the ground, but she still wanted to get her partner, Randal Quinn, something special for their pagan solstice celebration. After much self-introspection, Hattie decided to sell her luxurious, oft-complimented long blonde hair to a local artesian wig company. She shaved her head almost to the scalp in an effort to get enough money to afford the tattoo for her beloved.

“Randal is always saying how he wants a tattoo of Leatherface eating at a Waffle House on his upper thigh,” Hattie posted in the subreddit r/Relationship_Advice. “Wasn’t he going to be shocked when I put a non-refundable deposit down for a session with one of the best artists in the city? Hair will grow back, even if it did turn out that I have a bit of a lumpy skull.”

In an ironic twist worthy of O. Henry, Randal had holiday plans of his own. Randal was also strapped for cash and decided that he would pawn one of his seven guitars to have a little extra cash for something special as well. Without telling Hattie, he paid a friend to give him the Leatherface/Waffle House tattoo.

“I’m just about out of real estate on my skin for tattoos, but I’ve been saving space for this baby,” Randal said from his friend’s basement/tattoo parlor. “Luckily, the dude at the pawnshop gives me a good deal and I’ll be able to buy my guitar back once I ask Hattie to float me a loan. She’s good like that.”

Upon returning home with a shorn scalp, Randal told Hattie that her new haircut was super ‘punk’ and that she should dye what little hair she had purple. He then promptly showed Hattie his new tattoo and she started to cry. He assured her once the infection cleared up it would look awesome.

We followed up with Randal to ask what gift he ended up getting for Hattie. Randal swore loudly and asked us what gas stations were still open.

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