Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Roomba Only One in Punk House With Job

Posted on October 2, 2022 by Max Barth

PHILADELPHIA — A black Roomba S-694 autonomous robotic vacuum cleaner is, in fact, the only tenant in a local punk house with a job, according to recently released financial records.

“That little dude works around the clock. I didn’t think it was worth the risk when Peanut stole it from Best Buy, but this thing proved me wrong,” said roommate Dave Andrews, aka “Other Dave.” “We’re so inspired by his work ethic, getting up at the crack of dawn only to spend the day sucking up cigarette ash and food crumbs. He literally picked himself up by my bootstraps once. He’s motivating, honestly. I guarantee you that as soon as the rest of us polish off this ounce of weed I found in a bush, we’ll be looking for work, too.”

Landlord Michelle Smith was shocked to hear the five adult humans living in the two bedroom apartment were jobless.

“They never missed a payment, so now I’m worried they are stealing copper to get the rent money,” said Smith. “I thought they had a t-shirt business or a rock and roll band or something? ‘Original Dave’ told me they were getting PPP money or something. They’ve got like three drum sets in there! I just assumed they worked or had rich parents. Shit. I gotta get that Roomba on the lease.”

The Roomba admits that it’s proud of its contribution to the apartment’s bottom line.

“Look, I vacuum my pants on one leg at a time like the next guy. I’m a working class robot. I roll out of my charging station and begin sucking up bong water and guitar picks,” said the Roomba. “There’s a quiet dignity to my work, unless I get stuck on the cat’s tail again. Plus, I’m sure my human roommates will help pick up the financial slack when they can. I know the one with the mullet is considering selling their plasma, which could be big for the house. Then again, I’ve sucked up their blood and it’s gotta be at least fifty percent Fireball at this point. I couldn’t see straight for a week.”

As of press time, the Roomba was considering whether it could make it across the street to a nicer house when no one was looking.

Review: Taking Back Sunday “Tell All Your Friends”

Posted on October 2, 2022 by Bobby Korec

Each week, The Hard Times travels back and revisits a notable album from the past. This week we’re doing a deep dive on Taking Back Sunday’s emo masterpiece “Tell All Your Friends.”

It’s been 20 years since everyone’s favorite ex-boyfriends Taking Back Sunday released this iconic emo album filled with sing-along hits. The record was officially released in March 2002, which just so happened to be six months after 9/11. That definitely cannot be a coincidence.

Now, I’m not some conspiracy theorist who believes the Earth is flat or Democrats eat baby formula or 5G gives you wings, but I’m almost positive this record is a concept album about the tragic events of September 11, 2001. I love when bands hide an album’s concept or make no mention of it in any interview whatsoever. Don’t let that fool you though. This album has 9/11 written all over it.

Like in the song “Great Romances of the 20th Century,” the very first lyric is, “September never stays this cold.” I don’t know what that translates to in emo terms, but I do know that 9/11 happened in September. Not everyone knows this but the “9” in 9/11 actually stands for September. Boom. There’s your first clue.

Then in the song “You’re So Last Summer,” the chorus goes like, “and all I need to know is that I’m something you’ll be missing.” At first glance, you might think it’s just how some emo dudes’ ego at work. But on second glance, Adam Lazzara is clearly anthropomorphizing the Twin Towers and speaking as them in the first person. He’s right. I do miss those buildings, they were a defining piece of the New York skyline. Another piece of the puzzle falls into place.

And there’s just something about this album that screams “never forget” which we all know is the official catchphrase of 9/11. I think they say that phrase a lot in “Cute Without the E.” I don’t know for sure though. It’s kind of hard to make out all the words when two people are singing different things at the same time. Classic TB Sunday.

To sum up, other than beating 9/11 over your head throughout the album, this record is top-notch.

SCORE: 2 out of 2 Twin Towers

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Danny Elfman Feeling Slighted as Haunted Carnival Decides to Go In Different Musical Direction

Posted on October 1, 2022 by Tim Graham

SANTA BARBARA, Calif. — Hollywood composer Danny Elfman was reportedly dejected after his proposed score for an legitimately haunted carnival was turned down, according to a ghoul who attended the pitch meeting.

“I figured I was a shoe-in,” said Elfman while unscrewing a jar full of spiders underneath a conference table. “I mean, come on! ‘Beetlejuice,’ ‘Tales From the Crypt,’ ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas?’ When it comes to creepy carnival music, I’m the guy. But the meeting was a disaster. Their offices stank like a tomb, and the undead execs were simply repulsive. One of them had an eyeball hanging out of its socket the entire time. Their brand manager was literally holding her own head in her lap and giving me notes. There was blood streaming down the walls. Whatever, I don’t need this shit, I’ve got ‘Simpsons’ money.”

Horrifying ancient spirit and creative director Gavin the Tormentor made the call to pass on Elfman’s bid for the project.

“Elfman’s a legend,” said the spirit as he leafed through a tome bound in human leather. “I’m a big Oingo Boingo fan myself. But what he proposed was this sort of corny oompah stuff. Yes, we’re a carnival. But more importantly, we’re trying to make it in the contemporary economic landscape. We’re looking for an elevated take on horror theme tropes. Whatever we choose needs to scare the pants off of the unfortunate souls who unwittingly wander into our creepy, forsaken hellscape, while still being hip and on-trend and appealing to consumers.”

Longtime music industry agent Lenny Dakota routinely warns established artists that they need to change with the times or risk becoming irrelevant.

“I tell my clients that they’ve got to stay current. For instance, today’s phantasms don’t want to try to terrify people accompanied by goofy cabaret music,” said Dakota. “They want something that will freak people out, not make them laugh. Creepy, slowed-down versions of pop songs are super hot right now. Or jarring avant garde classical—you know, whacking piano strings with a hammer sort of thing—poltergeists are really into that stuff. Even a kid singing a nursery rhyme with a shitload of reverb. That still works. But the clown stuff is pretty passé at this point.”

At press time, the haunted carnival was looking to recruit a lead designer that could make their graphics “pop”, but in a dark way, according to an Indeed listing.

Total Loser in Front Row Openly Having Incredible Time

Posted on October 1, 2022 by Ciara Murphy

BOSTON — Local ray of sunshine Sarah Bootley openly and unashamedly enjoyed Naval Tomb’s show from the front row last night, sources who wished she’d just stand there silently like the rest of the audience confirmed.

“They totally ruled last night! Definitely in my top 45 shows of this year!” gushed Bootley. “I still don’t understand why so many people were pointing and looking at me funny afterward, and it was totally weird that the crowd was recording me on their phones instead of the band the whole time. I hope everyone else enjoyed their night anyway. Kind of hard not to have when you got to witness them play ‘In the Belly of My Stomach’ in its entirety! I really got lost in the moment of it all.”

Fellow showgoer Lance Terry was deeply disturbed by Bootley’s public display of enthusiasm.

“Everyone knows bands prefer it when the crowd stays rigid and emotionless. It lets them know how cool and chill their fans are,” shared Terry. “I have been witness to the odd fan nodding their head to the beat here and there, but this girl was jumping up and down, waving her arms, and singing along to every song like she was on Rumspringa. I really feared for my life standing near her. At one point, she got so animated that she almost made me spill my beer. People like her are an embarrassment to the scene.”

Anthropologist Biff Nugent has been studying live shows for decades to understand the behaviors of audience members.

“We have found that under certain conditions, some humans are surprisingly unable to contain their excitement at witnessing live music,” said Nugent. “While most well-adjusted individuals can endure shows with crossed arms and neutral expressions, these fairer few can find the experience actually exhilarating and require an overt release. It can be a harrowing ordeal to find yourself standing beside one of these people thoroughly enjoying themselves while at a show. You should remember to stand your ground firmly and avoid any form of joyous movement yourself so as to discourage others from engaging in this behavior.”

At press time, Bootley was overheard leaving a cinema discussing the positive aspects of the film she had seen, to the disgust of those around her.

We Mashed up a Tool Song and a Muse Song and Now We’re the Smartest People to Ever Live

Posted on October 1, 2022 by Mimi Kenny

At times, the burden of all-encompassing intellect can be especially difficult to shoulder. The impossibility of stimulating all possible thought processes at once means even the brightest among us are still inevitably dimmed to a substantial degree.

Or so we thought.

It all started when we decided on listening to music during our daily colloquy. We were unanimous on including two bands in the rotation: Tool and Muse. But what we couldn’t decide upon was which one to play first. It felt wrong to prioritize one over the other. But how, pray tell, could both be experienced simultaneously — save for perhaps combining them in our heads.

Then it dawned on us. Through the power of technological wonder, we could fuse the mathematical ingenuity of Tool’s “Lateralus” with the searing political commentary of “Take a Bow.”

After submitting and receiving approval for our grant in record time, we set out to meet our destiny. Though we were hopeful, we were also cautious. But all fears were assuaged when the project was complete.

Upon completing our inaugural listen of what is henceforth known as “The Song”, we all looked around the room in amazement. It was the room just as how we had remembered it. But it was different. We had learned to see it as it really was. And this was just the beginning.

We weren’t surprised our lobes were given a workout through this endeavor. But we could’ve never anticipated this. The juxtaposition of lyrics as pointed and malefic as “Yeah, You’ll burn in hell” with time signatures that follow the Fibonacci sequence is an experience best described as “empyreal”. And the benefits are truly infinite.

Though we are honored by our status as international intelligence ambassadors, we do not take our roles lightly, nor do we look down upon the masses for their cognitive deficiencies. Instead, we hope to inspire them to think beyond themselves and what they think they know of the world they inhabit.

Could our intelligence go further? Find out next week, when we read “House of Leaves” while watching “Sátántangó” on mute.

10 Other Things You’ll Have To Pry From My Cold, Dead Hands

Posted on October 1, 2022 by James Knapp

I know how this scheme works, you liberal cucks. First you wanna take away my beloved machine guns, which I have nicknamed “Better Penis” and “The Landlady,” and then that just opens the floodgates for you to come and take away anything else that brings me joy in this world. Well here are a few other things that, if you want ‘em, you’re gonna have to pry from my very rigorred grasp:

My favorite hamster, Devon

Although occasionally he likes to ride in my pocket, I much prefer to hold his widdle fuzz in my bare, cupped hands. Anybody who tries to disrupt him is a damn communist.

This Pickle Jar

Well, my hand appears to be forever stuck in this jar of kosher dills. That is, unless I release the pickle inside of it that I’m currently holding, which of course I will never do. Because I really want that pickle and it’s all mine and if I let go someone else might try to take it. So pry away you snowflakes and maybe you will free me from this vinegary entrapment!

Wrestlemania Tickets That I Stole From Make-A-Wish

Why should those entitled cancer kids get a hand out? If that little bald boy really wanted to see a smackdown so bad then he should have just pulled himself up by his bootstraps right after I pushed him out of his wheelchair.

This Yankee Candle That Smells Like a Rainy Saturday

Look, I just like it. Let’s not linger on this one, but do know that I will brain you with this remarkably sturdy candle jar if you ever dare try to remove it from my presence.

Inexpensive Wine

It comes in a box and it tastes like weeds and is the only thing that lets me sleep in the morning. No, I don’t have a problem! You’re a problem!

A Big Knife

Go ahead. Try to grab it. I dare you.

The Divorce Papers

It’s not going well and I’m really sorry about the affair and all I really want is one more chance to be the husband and father I always knew I could be, Cathy. Please will you reconsider the arbitration?

Judy Blume’s “Superfudge”

When I was in 2nd grade I picked up my copy of this beloved children’s novel from the school library because it was the heaviest book I could find to use to bash nerds in the back of the head with. I still have that same copy and, though it’s mostly sentimental, I occasionally take it out to beat the sweatervest off some brainiac two tables over who had the absolute lack of balls necessary to order a lite kale salad. No one, not even the assistant manager, can take that away from me.

A little Knife

I don’t even need the big one. See? You still won’t try to grab it, you pussy.

Pepsi Fingers

Nothing beats the cool, refreshing feeling of an ice cold Pepsi cola being slowly and deliberately poured over the webbings in between each of my fingers. God I love that. It’s chilling but it’s also sticky – so it’s really the best of both worlds. Anyway, what were we talking about again?

Legendary Venue’s Bathroom Soap Dispenser Still Full From When They Opened

Posted on September 30, 2022 by Chris Bowen

LOS ANGELES — Concert-goers at the legendary Smoking Barrel recently learned that the club has never had to refill the contents of its bathroom soap dispensers since it was established, grossed-out sources confirmed.

“I’ve been running the Barrel for a little over 35 years now, so naturally there has been a considerable amount of upkeep needed to keep it running,” bar owner George Winston stated. “I’ve had to replace five bathroom stall doors, seven clogged toilets, two stages, countless smashed waste baskets, nine sinks, fixed about 20 light fixtures, and plugged at least three glory holes. Yet never once has anyone ever touched the soap dispenser. I guess it’s punk to not wash your hands or something and it’s gross to think about. But hey, that’s less I gotta do.”

Suzy Randolf, a local who frequents Sunday matinee punk shows at the Barrel, talked about her experiences with the venue’s lavatory.

“This entire time, I never even realized there was soap in those abominations,” Randolf said while sitting at the bar. “As a matter of fact, I don’t think I’ve even dared to use those bathrooms. Having to walk by them to get to the pit area is torture enough. Whenever I need to go, I head over to the 7 Eleven across the street. Not only do they have immaculate restrooms, but I can grab a bag of Doritos and a 40oz to have in the alleyway while waiting for the openers to finish their sets.”

Dr. Muhammad Shamir, a specialist in germ studies, provided examples of other important hygiene practices typically ignored at shows.

“Sadly, as fun as concerts are to attend, they can also essentially be petri dishes of disease,” Dr. Shamir explained while grimacing. “For example, hardcore singers tend to snot-rocket right on stage instead of using a tissue. Although this looks very tough and cool, it most certainly is irresponsible from a contagion standpoint. This is just one of many examples of punks disregarding the importance of hygiene.”

At press time, the sound guy working was seen walking out of the restroom and headed straight to the stage to start handling the microphone equipment.

Punk Rushes to Free Cigarettes Out of Hot Car

Posted on September 30, 2022 by Alex Salcido

PHOENIX — Local punk Frankie “Bullet” Higgins is quietly and privately working through the trauma of leaving his Yellow American Spirits sitting in the scorching and unforgiving heat of his roommate’s 2013 Hyundai Element, sources confirmed.

“That was embarrassing to say the least. It still is,” said Higgins, struggling to maintain eye contact behind his broken and borrowed sunglasses. “But this rarely ever happens. My smokes are by my side, every day, 24/7. I’ve never had an issue. I remember making this sly joke and reaching for my cigarettes and realizing they were stuck in the car. I ran down 18 flights of stairs and across a huge parking lot to save them. We all just had a really crazy night last night and they just got away from me. It’ll never happen again, that’s for damn sure.”

Apparently, this string of irresponsible behavior from Higgins has gone on for much longer than a month.

“We’ve had to rescue his cigarettes over a dozen times in the last year,” said neighbor and ex-bandmate Daryl Davies. “We’ve saved them from the heat, from the rain, you name it. He’ll just get drunk, lose his cigarettes, and just start going into someone else’s pack. Last August, we found a pack at the bottom of a Motel 6 pool. There were 16 smokes left in there. So much life ahead of that pack. He was so hungover, he didn’t even notice.”

Natural American Spirits representative Jessie Smith weighed in on the incident..

“We here at Natural American Spirits send our best wishes to Mr. Higgins – and more so his pack. We value Mr. Higgins as a lifelong customer and hope he walks away from this experience having learned something. Our hearts and thoughts go out to every cigarette lost and neglected along the way. This just reminds us that in these trying times, we need to remember to look outside of ourselves and look out for each other, especially our dearest loved ones. Remember, as next summer comes around – if you’re hot, they’re hot.”

At press time, Higgins was seen walking out of a local convenience store with two packs of Yellow American Spirits.

Help! I Smashed up This Rage Room for 20 Minutes Before Realizing It’s Just a Crate & Barrel

Posted on September 30, 2022 by Ben Friedman

Some say that I run a little hot-blooded, that I’m too quick to break a beer bottle over someone’s head before thinking things through. Those people are right, but fuck ‘em. But now I’m thinking they may have a valid point because I just tore through this rage room for 20 minutes before realizing it’s just a Crate & Barrel. And man, are people pissed.

In my defense, crates and barrels are the most common items to smash up in movies and video games, so the name is a bit misleading. Secondly, who the fuck even put out such expensive furniture and expect it to not get a little damaged? Forgive me for not being able to tell a $2000 pre-weathered dining room set for some $50 one on clearance at Goodwill. Though I should’ve known something was up five minutes in, oak is surprisingly hard to drive an ax though.

When I first walked in I thought there was a theme or something, like a puzzle room. And I assumed the theme was ‘my parents rec room after my dad told me I’d never make a living writing Invader Zim fanfiction. I mean whoever designed this showroom got it just right. But some constructive feedback: a trigger warning would have been a nice heads up.

OK, maybe some of this is my fault. But frankly, I thought the employees were screaming with me, not at me. If you were chucking wine decanters at the ceiling and some guy was yelling ‘Jesus Motherfucking Christ’, would you not take that as encouragement?” If anything you’d start breaking stuff faster.

So since the cops are already on their way now might be a good time to mention the GoFundMe for $40k I threw together to cover the damages. Full disclosure, I initially only smashed up about half of that goal, but I was so mad at myself that I took it out on the accent tables. Talk about a vicious cycle!

Am I fucked? Probably. Did I give several retail workers PTSD? Definitely. Though let’s be honest, if you were driving down the road and saw a showroom full of overpriced loungers for yuppies, you’d probably demolish it without a second thought too.

TikTok Corn Kid Accepts Lobbying Position at Cargill

Posted on September 30, 2022 by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — Viral TikTok sensation “Tariq the Corn Kid” shocked fans and political insiders alike after accepting a lucrative lobbying position on behalf of Agriculture conglomerate Cargill, sources close to the corn enthusiast confirmed.

“These guys and suits asked me how much I liked corn, and I told them a whole lot. Then they asked if I wanted to go to Washington to tell people with eggs for heads how great corn is, and I know they have the museum with the cool airplanes there so I said yes,” said Tariq. “I told a Senator that when the world is scary we can take a corn break, and then I handed him some files the suit guys gave me and he was super happy. Now I can eat all the corn I want with infinite butter.”

Cargill executive Gary Lewis the company’s synergistic relationship with the TikTok star.

“Let’s be real, up until six weeks ago corn wasn’t exactly at the forefront of the collective consciousness. But then Tariq’s interview and its subsequent remix came along and suddenly Google searches for corn are up 9000% and he’s named the freaking ‘corn-bassador,’“said Lewis. “Tariq embraces the world for all the beauty it contains, and we can leverage this to make the ‘Got Milk’ campaign look like amateur hour. When he’s sitting before a Congressional panel, I doubt anyone will be equating high fructose corn syrup with severe obesity.”

While Corn Kid’s pivot into politics seemed unconventional to many, it was a move that viral video stars have quietly undertaken.

“Viral TikTok memes and videos come and go within a week, two if you’re lucky. The industrious stars of the videos will cash in quickly, and the easiest way to do it is by pushing corporate agendas in our nation’s capital. Remember Nathan Apodaca, the guy who was drinking Ocean Spray while skateboarding to Fleetwood Mac? He’s single-handedly responsible for convincing Congress to pass legislation to reduce cranberry tariffs,” said lobbyist watchdog Kaitlyn Smith. “And now with Corn Kid lobbying on behalf of ‘Big Ag,’ don’t be surprised if the FDA suddenly greenlights genetically modified corn as big as footballs.”

As of press time, Tariq has become a target of scrutiny after charging a $50,000 speaking fee to deliver the commencement speech at Cornell University.