It finally happened, your beloved Grandfather passed away. He will be remembered for complaining about how nobody wants to work these days, how he put himself through college while working part-time at an ice cream stand on Cape Cod, and his rampant alcoholism. It’s time for your family to honor his life, and they’ve put you in charge of selecting the music for the event. We’re not sure why you’ve been selected for such a sensitive task given your predilection toward the goofiest pop-punk songs of all time, but here are 50 Blink-182 songs you are absolutely going to want to avoid.
50. “Going Away To College”
We should probably rip the band-aid off here. Your family initially told you that your beloved grandfather would ‘be going away for a while.’ This is due to your inability to handle most heavy emotions. We can’t really blame your loved ones for shielding you from the truth here, but you’re a grown adult and it is a little ridiculous that you actually thought your 78-year-old grandfather was legitimately going back to NYU to finish his Master’s.
49. “Black Rain”
This one might feel like it’s appropriate for a funeral, but it’s a boring Matt Skiba song, so it automatically feels a bit wrong. Your Grandfather always used to say “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, and if it is broke and you have to fix it, at least don’t give Matt Skiba any leads on the new album.” Honor his words by skipping this one.
48. “Adam’s Song”
Your Grandfather’s name was Stephen, not Adam, and he died surrounded by his family and loved ones, not alone. Nobody at this funeral will relate to this one, and it will likely make them all depressed as fuck if they hear it.
47. “I Miss You”
Everyone misses Gramps that’s for sure. Still, the second verse describes spiders capturing and devouring prey, which, gross. The psychological community largely agrees that the fear of spiders only ranks a few pegs below the fear of death when considering people’s most common phobias. Is this a funeral or a haunted house?
46. “Disaster”
This song is seemingly about death, but in a way that makes you think of the futility of life and your fragile mortality. Chances are that at least a few people in this room are already spiraling about this very topic. If you leave this one on the queue, your Aunt Theresa might do that thing where she breaks out wailing about how she “can’t take it anymore” while trying to make the entire event about herself. Your dad hates that. Try to avoid it if possible.
45. “Home Is Such A Lonely Place”
Your Grandmother has been staying at your parent’s house since PaPa Stephen went into hospice. It was a kind gesture for your dad to offer, but your mom is starting to go a little crazy. In her defense, you just moved out a few months ago after years of ‘looking for a job.’ It makes sense that despite the situation, she’s just a little frustrated to have her privacy delayed even further. If you want to help her out, maybe don’t play a song whose thesis is about how depressing someone’s house can be when uninhabited by a lost partner.
44. “I’m Lost Without You”
This song has emotional elements that you might expect to hear amplified at a funeral, but it’s also long as fucking shit. No one has ever listened to a Blink-182 song and thought ‘this is really great, but I wish it were almost seven minutes long and super droney too!’ That trend likely isn’t going to change anytime soon, and definitely not at your Grandfather’s wake.
43. “Man Overboard”
‘Man Overboard’ details the loss of friendship and laments the stark reality that as people grow, they no longer have time to get shitfaced with you. Your estranged Uncle Jerry, who was almost excommunicated from the family for enabling your grandfather’s aforementioned alcoholism, personally requested to hear this one, and he has never really been known for his judgment.
42. “Feeling This”
Apparently when Mark and Tom wrote this one, they went off into separate rooms as an experiment. Tom was tasked with the verse lyric, while Mark was tasked with the chorus. Both wrote about love from wildly different angles. Unfortunately, no one at this funeral is fourteen years old, and it’s highly unlikely they will be impressed by this fact you once found to be mind-blowing. Nerd.
41. “What’s My Age Again?”
When we think about death, we are often reminded of our struggles to stay focused while making out with our partners and also our inability to not prank call their mothers in a fit of embarrassed rage. Just kidding. You’ll likely find it in your best interest to read the room here and leave this one off.
40. “Dammit”
Watching your loved ones wander off into that good night is a major part of growing up and it can be a pretty harrowing experience. Still, despite your misinterpretation of this classic, Mark is actually singing about a romantic relationship turned cold, not the death of his Pop Pop. As far as breakup songs go, this one’s pretty mature. Out of sheer decency though, you shouldn’t be laying the notion that you still aren’t over your ex from five years ago on top of your family’s grief. The human heart can only take so much.
39. “CHILDHOOD”
Most family members like to reminisce about the good old times when a loved one passes. They often talk about how it’s sad that they only get to see each other in such circumstances. Grand statements are made that they’ll be closer and more in touch following the event. Most of it is bullshit and rings about as hollow as the cliche lyrics to this song. Do your loved ones a favor and skip this one. It’s just time that everyone starts being honest, is all.
38. “Heaven”
This is one of those Blink tracks where you can kind of tell that Matt Skiba was heavily encouraging Mark to be spookier than he actually is. It falls as flat as you would expect, and it’s probably not great to play a song that repeats the line “Heaven doesn’t want me” at a man’s funeral. The fact that at least a few of your family members are sure Papa Stephen is absolutely going to Hell is irrelevant here.
37. “Always”
This is one of Blink’s more emotional songs, but it also features one of Tom’s horniest choruses of all time. It’s not likely that anyone here wants to think about touching, kissing, holding or tasting your grandfather in such a somber moment. It’s just too gross.
36. “Please Take Me Home”
There are several messages your family may interpret poorly within this song’s runtime. One of which suggests that this deeply sad moment for everyone is the ‘best time they ever had.’ This is without mentioning that the desire to leave the event, though likely a shared sentiment, should not be spoken aloud.
35. “Lemmings”
Your grandfather’s side of the family is notably conservative. You might be thinking of including a song in the playlist that calls out their hypocrisy in a subtle way. Don’t pick this one, though. It’s about scene politics (we think), and no one gives a shit about that subject.
34. “Remember to Forget Me”
Typically, a funeral encourages keeping the memory of your deceased loved one alive. While there are many aspects of your grandfather’s personality you’d rather bar from your heart in mind, forgetting him as a whole would be a bit cruel. This is without mentioning the imagery of spreading his body parts alongside a road that the chorus evokes.
33. “YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’VE GOT”
Putting a spin on Joni Mitchell’s ‘Yellow Taxi,’ Blink claims that the listener doesn’t know what they have until it’s almost gone. Unfortunately, your Pappy Stephen is very much all the way gone, meaning this one doesn’t entirely apply here.
32. “Down”
It’s perfectly understandable to be feeling a bit low at this event. While this track seems perfect, it’s just going to make your father talk endlessly about how much the band ripped off Bruce Springsteen during the chorus. In fact, the Springsteen song would have been a great choice for the event, according to him. Your grandfather loved the Boss.
31. “M+M’s”
There are plenty of things you can talk about at a funeral. Still, there are topics to avoid including your inability to find new ways to masturbate and your desire to electrocute yourself in a bathtub. This song mentions both within a single verse, so skip it.
30. “Aliens Exist”
Your grandfather worked at an Air Force Base and claims to have seen UFO wreckage, and you were supposed to keep that shit a secret. There are four men you don’t recognize in the back pew, they’re all wearing sunglasses, and none of them have spoken a word this entire event. Unless you want to be formally introduced to them before never being seen again, we recommend holding off on this one.
A harmless habit can quickly escalate into a full-blown obsession that runs on nothing but adrenaline and muscle memory. One day you’re casually lurking on his Instagram and the next you’re a low-level cryptanalyst trying to figure out how to replicate his fingerprint so you can check if he re-downloaded Tinder.
He used to leave his phone on the bed when he went to the bathroom, which gave me just enough time to check his DMs, texts, and deleted voicemails before placing the phone back where I found it and pretending to be asleep, but that was back in our honeymoon phase.
Nothing turns a man off more than an insecure woman. Well, that and telling them you’ll jump out of a moving vehicle unless they prove they weren’t using WhatsApp to message that ex from his hometown you know he’s still in love with.
Just because he’s 38 and his mom still pays his phone bill doesn’t make it any less his property, however, the iPad you bought him for Christmas last year is technically yours, so feel free to bust it out while he’s at work and try different passcodes until you fry the mainframe.
I bought him an extra charger to keep by the bed to avoid this exact scenario, but he probably left it at his secret girlfriend’s house. A dead phone is a great opportunity to practice self-control, that is unless you live close to an Apple store and can juice up over there.
Lack of communication is relationship kryptonite. Listening is the backbone of effective communication, and it’s also a great way to appear interested and understanding while quietly gathering information and waiting for them to slip up and accidentally incriminate themselves.
There’s more than one way to skin a cat, and the same goes for spying on your boyfriend. Why go through his phone when the real meat and potatoes of his infidelities are on his computer? That’s like going fishing in a swimming pool when you live next to the ocean.
The mind is a powerful tool that can turn even the most benign text message or email into “evidence” that he’s cheating on you. The mind is also a powerful tool that can generate and test over 700 permutations of his previous passcode ‘420420.’
Experts say you don’t have to know everything about someone to love them, but experts also used to say cigarettes were good for you. Providing he lets me know what he’s doing and who he’s talking to at any given moment, I’m happy to give him all the independence he needs.
Obtain so much blackmail on your partner they know betraying you would mean certain death. Maybe cheating on you means his company finds out about his payroll fraud. Maybe it doesn’t. Let him decide if this is a game he wants to play.
You have exceeded the number of incorrect passcode entries and his phone is rendered useless. Your partner has ended the relationship and is giving you one week to find new housing arrangements. Are these really the actions of an innocent man with nothing to hide? It just goes to show you can’t trust anyone.
Coming in dead last is Dr. Eric Gablehauser because let’s face it, that’s where we placed him randomly with our eyes closed. According to the fan Wiki, he’s the main character’s mean boss, so maybe fans would agree? It’s hard to say but if we’re accidentally right, hey, we’ll take it!
He’s Raj’s Dad, and that’s about all the fan sites have to say about him, so it’s probably fine that he’s ranked so low. Oh my god, are we nailing this? I think we are. We can’t wait to ignore all the “Big Bang Theory” Reddit boards when they discuss these rankings and then go to sleep alone.
This is a direct quote from the fan wiki—”Stephanie’s primary role in the show is being Leonard’s girlfriend.” Kind of highlights a lot of the reasons we could not get into this show.
We know what you Big Bang heads must be thinking—”How can you rank Leonard’s neuroscientist Mom so low on the list?!” The answer is we essentially pulled these out of a hat, and we’re having trouble recollecting which one Leonard is.
We didn’t catch an episode with her in it, but we’re willing to bet Chuck Lorre’s 2D caricature of an Indian mom makes every “Dharma and Greg” character seem as flushed out and complex as Tony Soprano.
Oh, Sheldon’s mom is a born-again Christian? I bet that’s funny for like, one beat, and then joylessly played over again and again for 12 years.
Actually, this is the one deliberate ranking on this list. That’s right, we at the Hard Times believe President Siebert belongs at exactly #29 on this list, and it’s a hill we WILL die on. You hear me Siebert-heads?! Siebert nation, stand down and don’t @ us!
Halley is a child. We have no idea what she adds to the show. Let’s just move this along.
According to Wikipedia he’s a founding member of the Boston power-pop band Giglo Aunts. That can’t be right. This character looks like someone familiar, someone important to the world of pop culture who might have created a decent sitcom.
I guess someone’s boss is like an Air Force guy? Like in “I Dream of Jeannie?” Honestly, that’s the move. If your show is going to be this cookie-cutter and lazy just go all the way and throw in a sex genie.
At first, the Wyatt storyline was an intriguing part of the show’s cerebral hook, but like many of its early mysterious yet promising elements it didn’t materialize into much with the latter seasons and ultimately doomed the show. Wait, no, that was “Westworld.” What are we doing again?
The fan wiki says she’s the primary female character of the series, an attractive person who is married to a nerd! Can you believe it!? Oh, you can? Commonplace for decades you say? Both in real life and popular media? Hmm. The wiki also lists her IQ as 100. Wow. Just… god, fuck this thing.
Okay going off just his picture I’m guessing he’s supposed to be the dumb bully. Let’s check the fan wiki and see how I did: “A muscular, but not very educated man, Kurt is arrogant and condescending toward the likes of Leonard and Sheldon.” You could probably write this whole episode with no additional information and your script would be like 80% right.
She’s Caltech’s HR manager who enforces political correctness. “Boo, hiss, bazinga!” (cue laugh track.)
Bernadette is one of the main characters and a microbiologist, so she is presumably very smart. I say presumably because her fan wiki page does not list her IQ, which is odd. After all, it does that for all of the male main characters and the other female lead, which again is exactly 100. Does this speak volumes about the attitude of this show and its fanbase? Who’s to say? Those are just the facts.
