How I Eliminated Negativity From My Life by Refusing to Check My Account Balance

Posted on by Dom Turek

Nietzsche said that if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you, which is why I never stare directly at my account balance when withdrawing money from the ATM. Whenever necessary, I will peer at the meager number through squinted eyes and violently hit ‘no receipt’ until the machine returns me to the home screen.

The illusory power of money has this whole country in such a vice grip that close friends and blood relatives won’t even lend you money anymore without some sort of collateral or long-winded speech about how no one trusts you anymore because you “never pay anyone back” and “spent the last $500 to wager a bet on who would be the next pope.” I guess some people are just born cynics.

A wise man once said, “What you don’t know can’t hurt you.” This wise man was my father, and time would reveal he was referring to the widely rumored affair my mother had with one of her subordinates. However, I find the saying applies to almost all situations. Maintaining optimism requires not asking too many questions. Buying a turkey sandwich, with extra mustard, at the deli without my card declining is all the information I need about my finances.

The best way to guide positivity into your life is to adopt an abundance mindset. To achieve this, you must train yourself to understand that things like finances and human potential are expansive rather than limited. Unfortunately, it’s nearly impossible to employ an abundance mentality when Chase Bank contacts you every five seconds to say your account is overdrawn and being sent to collections. Corporate America keeps trying to clip my wings, but they don’t realize I’m a phoenix.

My natural inborn tendency towards idealism and rebirth is kept alive by getting rid of anything that doesn’t serve me, and that usually starts with any mail I receive from my bank, the DMV, or the IRS. Whenever I fire up an illegal barrel burn to get rid of excess refuse around my apartment, I’m careful to include anything that has words like “Open Immediately” and “Last Notice” printed directly on the envelope. If someone has something urgent to say, they’ll call me, but I won’t know because my phone has been shut off due to non-payment.

Target Reduces Pride Month Collection to Single T-Shirt of Androgynous Person Shrugging

Posted on by Ben Friedman

MINNEAPOLIS — Target announced they would be reducing this year’s selection of Pride merchandise to a single t-shirt depicting an androgynous person shrugging in response to last year’s controversy surrounding their LGBTQ+-friendly apparel, confirmed multiple high-ranking sources.

“In order to avoid more threats of violence and accusations and about our pride collection promoting child grooming and perversion, we are overhauling this year’s offering to a single shirt of an androgynous, nonbinary person throwing up their arms almost as if to say ‘What the hell is this anyway?’ We feel that Target has successfully toed the line with a depiction of sexual ambiguity that’ll hopefully be enough for the queer community,” said Target executive Bradley Smith. “Numerous focus groups in the Deep South and battleground states led us to the creation of this solitary, unisex t-shirt depicting an indifferent non-binary person. This way LGBTQ+ guests will be safe to shop in our stores just like our reactionary and conspiratorial right-wing guests.”

Despite Target’s scaled-back approach, customers with conservative values still weren’t happy.

“I’ll never forget what happened last year when I had to explain to my kid why someone would put ‘Trans Lives Matter’ on a shirt. It was one of the most horrific things to happen to me and my family ever. And this year’s line is no different, what with this mystery person shrugging so condescendingly at family values,” said Susan Michaels. “I just want to be able to shop in peace and not have to look at some woke shirt insinuating that gender is fluid. I promise I will berate every minimum wage Target employee in a 50-mile radius until it’s removed.”

LGBTQ+ activists were not surprised by Target’s lackluster offerings.

“The fight for visibility and acceptance has been profoundly difficult, but it would be naive to think Target gave a shit about queer people in the first place. The only reason they started a Pride line was because they realized gay people have money. But like many brands facing a backlash that’ll threaten shareholder value, they reverse course and give us watered-down garbage,” said Adrian Polakowski. “Just yesterday Walmart introduced a line of trad wife dresses ominously placed next to their Pride display, and Kohls’ revealed a line of Pride shirts that just say ‘Bisexual Unicorn Who Dates Guys That Listen to Joe Rogan.’”

As of press time, Target instructed employees to stock the shirt behind the store so as to not make any conservative customers inadvertently question their sexuality even for a second.

If Alcohol Is So Dehydrating Why Did It Make Me Pee My Pants?

Posted on by Dom Turek

Doctors and scientists will tell you that alcohol is severely dehydrating, but doctors also used to prescribe lobotomies to anyone with ADHD, and scientists were putting cocaine in soda until the 1930s, so I tend to take “professional opinions” with a grain of salt.

Hey brainiacs, If alcohol is so dehydrating, why did I recently wake up from a wild night out in a urine-soaked bed covered in sweat? Biologists blame it on a renal process called diereses, which is just fancy medical talk for drinking so many Michelob Ultras that you piss yourself in public after a Def Leppard concert and have to convince others you spilled a drink in your lap.

Sorry, but trying to brainwash me into believing that increased urine output is a direct result of dehydration is like when my family tries to convince me global warming is real even when it gets really chilly outside and I’m forced to put on a light jacket. Ain’t gonna happen, guys.

The amount of urine I produce when I drink the recommended eight glasses of water a day can only be described as “measly” when compared to the geyser of piss I produce after drinking just two cans of Coors Light. I know doctors will disagree but the proof is in the pudding, and by that, I mean the pee is in my pants.

To put things in perspective, consider the fact that beer is 95 percent water while the human body is only 75 percent water, meaning that beer is actually extremely hydrating. Unfortunately, this fun factoid came as little solace to my now ex-girlfriend when I tried explaining to her that getting black-out drunk and pissing in all her house plants is really just a nuanced form of irrigation.

Great ideas have always been met with great resistance, which is why I don’t propose to convince lesser minds of my progressive views on human physiology.

Whenever I see a man or woman stumbling home from a pub at an obscene hour with pee stains spidering down their pant legs, my first thought is always, “I hope they get home safe,” and my second thought is, “At least they’re hydrated.”

Man Busts Out the Good Carabiner Keychain for Special Red Chord Show

Posted on by Bobby Korec

BOSTON — Local deathcore fan Toby Branstein decided to bust out his finest carabiner keychain for the upcoming special Red Chord show, confirmed sources who needed to upgrade theirs now that they think about it.

“I only use this one for special occasions, like high-profile shows, weddings, and my grandmother’s funeral,” said Branstein while attempting to pair the carabiner keychain with just the right jeans. “I actually tried to get a brand new one for this event in particular so I can look as fresh as possible, but evidently they don’t sell carabiners at Men’s Warehouse or Nordstrom. Get this. They don’t even sell white or studded belts. It’s like there are no high-end men’s clothing stores anymore. Either way, I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a carabiner from Walmart to this show. Show some damn respect.”

Friends of Branstein wish he matured his style just a bit.

“This guy still dresses with his keys dangling from his belt loop as if they were part of some sort of exoskeleton,” said long acquaintance Meg Daffodil. “I get that this is a very special show, but if that’s the case he should really be wearing a suit and tie. Or at least go business casual. Any old Norma Jean t-shirt will simply not do. After all, you need to dress for the show you want, not the one you’re going to. It’s time for this 38-year-old to grow up and wear show-appropriate apparel.”

Fashion experts agreed that men in general have a hard time updating their wardrobe as they age.

“Some men like to accessorize with expensive watches and designer sunglasses, others prefer implements that are used exclusively for rockclimbing. For some reason, these people are fans of subgenres that end with the word ‘core,’” said stylist Deb Macintyre. “It is very difficult for a lot of men to adapt their style as they age. That’s why it’s best to shame them into changing. Publicly or privately, it does not matter. Just make them feel guilty for every style decision they’ve ever made in their lives. Always works.”

At press time, Branstein decided to bust out his best pair of Vans for an upcoming job interview.

MAGA Supporter Intentionally Gets Another Felony DWI Charge in Solidarity With Trump

Posted on by Chris Bowen

WATERLOO, N.Y. — Staunch MAGA Republican and binge-drinker Justin Brently decided to show his unwavering support for Donald Trump after his recent felony conviction by adding to his already large list of aggravated DWI charges, several perpetually-deceived sources report.

“Donald Trump is the single greatest president this country has ever had and I’ll drink 23 beers then get behind the wheel of my Silverado as many times as it takes until this witch hunt is over,” Brently stated as a jail guard instructed him to “pipe down.” “This man needs the support of MAGA patriots like me now more than ever, and I’ll stand in solidarity with him the only way I know how: by making dangerously irresponsible alcohol-fueled decisions. All I need is about 14 more and I’ll hit the goal of 34, one for every guilty sentence. God Bless America and God Bless Donald Trump and Coors Light!”

Brently’s longtime friend and drinking buddy Dylan Stowski shared his admiration for his commitment to his political ideals.

“Justin has to be the biggest freedom-loving patriot I know, and I’m proud to say that I’ve been right by his side many times when he’s put his few remaining brain cells on the line for Trump,” Stowski explained. “During the ‘plandemic,’ Justin and I were having one of our anti-quarantine parties, and we decided to go shot-for-shot. Only we were drinking shots of bleach to show all them science snowflakes that Trump wasn’t at all wrong or stupid for suggesting that bleach would cure Covid. We took the last two spots in the ER, but we didn’t die, so Trump was right!”

DWI attorneys nationwide have seen a sharp increase in demand of their services in what experts are calling “MAGA-flation.”

“Since this whole guilty verdict thing came about, our phones here have been ringing non-stop with angry bearded white men claiming to be political prisoners,” Attorney Larry Fink of Fink & Associates stated. “Apparently, these insurrectionist types started a campaign called, ‘Driving Drunk for Trump’ and now I’m up to my ears in billable hours! I think the world needs more conmen like Trump because at this rate, I should be able to retire from my practice around the time he inevitably runs for President again in 2028!”

At press time, Brently was spotted scraping off his “Blue Lives Matter” sticker off his rear windshield in hopes it will increase his chance of being pulled over.

QAnon Follower Desperately Trying to Decipher Significance of “34” in Trump’s 34 Convictions

Posted on by Trevor Graham

BOISE, Idaho. —  Followers of the QAnon conspiracy theory are trying to find hidden meaning in the 34 felony convictions of former president Donald Trump which were handed down in the New York criminal fraud case yesterday, multiple Facebook loving sources confirmed.

“There must be some message he is trying to send us by being purposefully convicted 34 times in this so-called hush money trial,” said longtime Q believer Brenda Derbock. “If you think about it, 34 is 33 plus 1. 33 is the highest level of the Freemasons and Donald Trump is the one! Also, 34 plus 45, for 45th president, equals 79, which will be how old he will be when he becomes president again. Even though as we all know he is still secretly the president and Biden is just an actor. It’s so obvious if you look close enough.”

Some aren’t convinced, however, and think this may just be another dead end.

“I know Brenda, we used to chat on a Q message board forum TrueQPatriots.ru and I think she is wasting her time trying to find a meaning in this,” said former Q believer Tyler Boggs from his therapist’s office. “I can’t tell you how much time we wasted looking through every one of Trump’s misspelled Tweets or flubs he would say looking for some clue that this whole Q thing was real. Luckily, I finally realized there was nothing to any of this and the followers are just fucking crazy, and it only took getting divorced and losing my job to get me there, Besides, it was RFK Jr. who actually set Trump up. Everyone knows that.”

Mental health expert Liz Smith says she has seen a rise in the number of patients who suffer delusional paranoia in the last 8 years.

“I have spent my entire career specializing in cult psychology and working with patients who suffer from delusions, but at this point with this QAnon stuff I… I just can’t do it anymore,” said a tearful Smith. “I was a fool to think I could help people with mental illness in these times. If the whole world is insane and I am the only sane one, that means insanity is the new normal and I am the one who is actually insane. But regardless, they can’t stop obsessing over benign things such as the number of charges, and frankly, they are never going to change. Depressing.”

At press time, Derbock had a new theory that 34 actually represented NFL Hall of Famer Walter Payton, claiming that “Payton played for the Chicago Bears in 1984 and was a halfback and his number was 34, half of 34 is 17, Q is the 17th letter of the alphabet, and Chicago is under deep state control like the book ‘1984.’”

Metalhead Has To Donate More and More Blood Just to Get Buzzed Anymore

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

CHICAGO — Local metalhead and avid drinker Stephen Mullins realized he needs to donate increasingly larger amounts of blood and plasma just to achieve the lightheaded euphoria he once enjoyed, employees at the Cook County Red Cross have reported.

“It used to be so simple. I would donate a pint of blood and they’d give me $15, which was more than enough because I only needed like one beer to get tipsy,” sighed Mullins while donating for the second time that day. “I’d get that nice floaty feeling. But now my tolerance has shot through the roof. I’m practically bleeding myself dry in some fucked up psuedo-Satantic ritual just to feel anything. Not only that, the cost of beer is through the roof and blood banks just don’t pay like they used to.”

Mullins’ economical method for achieving a buzz has left many of his fellow metalheads concerned.

“Stephen feels like he found a workaround to getting wasted but even though we all tend to look pale and strung out, Steve looks like a corpse, and not in a fun way. He only wears long sleeve band shirts to hide all the marks on his arm from all the donations,” Claudia Elliott, guitarist for the Chicagoland mental outfit Eternal Carnage said after picking Mullins up at the blood bank where he was too weak to walk. “We keep telling him he can just drink more beer–we will even buy it for him, but he refuses.”

Experts, meanwhile, are weighing in on the peculiar trend with a mix of curiosity and concern.

“While donating blood is generally a noble act, doing so to achieve a state of intoxicated euphoria is highly unorthodox and potentially dangerous, especially when mixed with alcohol,” hematologist Emily Greene explained. “The human body can only handle so much blood loss before serious health issues arise. Mr. Mullins’ case highlights the need for safer, healthier ways to seek thrills within the metal community, like freaking out your mom with scary makeup like you used to.”

As of press time, Mullins was found Googling if those vampire goth night clubs in movies like Blade actually exist and how to get invited.

My Father’s Funeral Was Hard Enough Without The Barenaked Ladies Strolling In And Laughing Their Asses Off

Posted on by Kyle Donley

My Uncle Ted stood at the lectern, tears in his eyes reciting “Auld Lang Syne”, when off in the distance an El Camino could be seen zig-zagging its way down the main path of the cemetery. As they pulled closer into view, I could make out five jovial-looking men hanging out of the car. The men giddily threw popcorn at each other and took turns pretending to surf. They hopped out of the El Camino laughing uncontrollably as they did spin moves around the surrounding tombstones.

Shit. It was the Barenaked Ladies and they only came here to do one thing.

Panic washed over me, their laughter unceasing and increasing in volume. “I’m the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral/Can’t understand what I mean/You soon will.” The threat had always been there but it truly never occurred to me, therefore preventative measures had not been taken. Things were starting to get out of hand here. First my father’s “forever” suit shrunk at the dry cleaners, then the hearse turned out to be just a PT Cruiser, and now the Barenaked Ladies were here making good on the funeral thing? FML.

And why were they only doing the funeral thing? They weren’t getting Frantic like Harrison Ford. Or having tantric sex like Sting. Nor did they have the values of LeAnn Rhimes for that matter. In an effort to ease tensions, I even asked one of them if they had any chickitty China the Chinese chicken and he didn’t even know what I was talking about!

And ya know, if it was just one of the guys from the band, that would maybe be permissible. But it was all five! The original line-up with Steven Page!! They don’t even tour with him anymore but apparently they still laugh at funerals together? SMH.

Poor Uncle Ted ambled to his seat, furtively glancing over towards the Barenaked Ladies, cackling hyenas, eternal harbingers of death laughing into the faces of some of my dad’s pickleball friends, Ed Robertson giving my Aunt Helen a back rub. How was I gonna get my dad’s funeral under control now?

“Can someone please tell me what’s so funny about pancreatic cancer!?” I shouted. A hush fell over proceedings. I had officially made a scene at my father’s funeral. SMDH.

They laughed all throughout the post-funeral banquet as well, which is never clearly implied in the song!

Instagram Doctor Has To Tell Patient They’ll Be Unalive In Two Months

Posted on by Charles Bill

LOS ANGELES – Instagram doctor Brenda Rinaj, known as @CurezUGood, was faced with the tragic task of letting a patient know that they’ll be unalive in two months, sources confirmed.

“I hate this part of the job. Having to tell someone their grim prognosis in an advertiser-friendly way is nearly impossible in this day and age,” explained oncologist and social media superstar Rinaj. “I post all of my patients on Reels and TikTok, so I have to be very careful to avoid saying any words that conjure up the universal constant of death. Just today I had to tell a young man he has stage four pancreatic cancer, or as I call it online ‘Big Bad C@ns3r’ with the skull emoji. In two months they’ll be unalive, and I’ll have to attend their ‘bye-bye party,’ which is what I have to call funerals.”

Although the breaking of the news was unpleasant, the patient was happy his doctor’s organic reach was not punished because of insensitive language.

“Dr. Rinaj started our appointment by setting up a camera in the corner and dancing,” said terminally ill patient Don Jay. “Then she dabbed, which even I know is unpopular nowadays, and then came over and told me the terrible news in such a kind and confusing way that it took me a while to process it. Mainly because I had to look at Urban Dictionary to see what the hell she was talking about. I asked the doctor if there was anything she could do, but she told me I have a critically low rizz count, and she couldn’t help me. It was a horrible experience, but at least she didn’t use words like ‘death’ or ‘fatal,’ because those words scare me and I don’t want people to earn any money if they use them.”

After seeing the success of @CurezUGood, Rinaj’s hospital decided to make policy changes to become more in line with our internet-connected world.

“Every diagnosis from now on needs hashtags,” demanded Chief of Medicine Paula Bloom. “I want #inoperable, #metastasizing, and #kidneystone. Social media attractiveness is the only thing that matters in this day and age. If we want people coming in to get dialysis, then we need to wow them with dancing doctors, nay-naying nurses, and orderlies that stay out of sight because they’re not important. We are even putting together a program to get all of our doctors Brazilian Butt Lifts and LinkTrees that really only direct to a single place.”

At press time, Dr. Rinaj had to tell another patient that there was a whoopsie, and now there’s a glove inside of him.

Donald Trump Announces Sweeping New Policy On Prison Reform

Posted on by Harry Valentine

NEW YORK — Former President Donald Trump announced a sweeping series of policy changes intended to overhaul the United States prison system shortly after being convicted of 34 felonies related to falsifying documents, campaign officials confirmed.

“I love the criminals, I always have,” said Trump in an impromptu press conference outside of a Manhattan criminal courthouse this afternoon. “That is why today, after a long 30 minutes of crafting policy, I am releasing a set of proposals to completely reform America’s crumbling prison system. Don’t even the lowliest felons among us deserve king sized beds and personal valets? Angela Davis said that to me once. We love Angela Davis, don’t we folks?”

While the new policy completely changes Donald Trump’s stated views on “law and order,” it’s unclear if it will lose him any support from his faithful supporters. 

“I think compassion to felons is what this country was founded on,” said Blake Nerney, as he furiously scraped a rusty pocket knife on his “LOCK HER UP” forearm tattoo. “I’ve always believed this, ever since today: everyone deserves a second chance. This country has serious, systemic issues with its jails, so it makes sense to me that Trump is the guy who is finally going to do something about it.”

Prison abolitionist and activist Lena Olbert views Trump’s change of heart with skepticism.

“While I obviously appreciate his suggested policy changes here, I can’t help but think there is some sort of ulterior motive,” said Olbert from her shoddy desk. “I, too, want to end the epidemic of mass incarceration and racially-motivated arrests in the United States. But based on Trump’s current positioning of, well, being a convicted felon, I honestly have to say that this is the most bald-faced last-ditch attempt of all time to save his own skin. What a fucking spineless asshat.”

When reached for comment, Trump campaign’s spokesman claimed that the policy is firm, unless the appeal goes how they want, in which case they do reserve the right to take-backsies.