LOS ANGELES – Instagram doctor Brenda Rinaj, known as @CurezUGood, was faced with the tragic task of letting a patient know that they’ll be unalive in two months, sources confirmed.
“I hate this part of the job. Having to tell someone their grim prognosis in an advertiser-friendly way is nearly impossible in this day and age,” explained oncologist and social media superstar Rinaj. “I post all of my patients on Reels and TikTok, so I have to be very careful to avoid saying any words that conjure up the universal constant of death. Just today I had to tell a young man he has stage four pancreatic cancer, or as I call it online ‘Big Bad C@ns3r’ with the skull emoji. In two months they’ll be unalive, and I’ll have to attend their ‘bye-bye party,’ which is what I have to call funerals.”
Although the breaking of the news was unpleasant, the patient was happy his doctor’s organic reach was not punished because of insensitive language.
“Dr. Rinaj started our appointment by setting up a camera in the corner and dancing,” said terminally ill patient Don Jay. “Then she dabbed, which even I know is unpopular nowadays, and then came over and told me the terrible news in such a kind and confusing way that it took me a while to process it. Mainly because I had to look at Urban Dictionary to see what the hell she was talking about. I asked the doctor if there was anything she could do, but she told me I have a critically low rizz count, and she couldn’t help me. It was a horrible experience, but at least she didn’t use words like ‘death’ or ‘fatal,’ because those words scare me and I don’t want people to earn any money if they use them.”
After seeing the success of @CurezUGood, Rinaj’s hospital decided to make policy changes to become more in line with our internet-connected world.
“Every diagnosis from now on needs hashtags,” demanded Chief of Medicine Paula Bloom. “I want #inoperable, #metastasizing, and #kidneystone. Social media attractiveness is the only thing that matters in this day and age. If we want people coming in to get dialysis, then we need to wow them with dancing doctors, nay-naying nurses, and orderlies that stay out of sight because they’re not important. We are even putting together a program to get all of our doctors Brazilian Butt Lifts and LinkTrees that really only direct to a single place.”
At press time, Dr. Rinaj had to tell another patient that there was a whoopsie, and now there’s a glove inside of him.