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How I Eliminated Negativity From My Life by Refusing to Check My Account Balance

Nietzsche said that if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you, which is why I never stare directly at my account balance when withdrawing money from the ATM. Whenever necessary, I will peer at the meager number through squinted eyes and violently hit ‘no receipt’ until the machine returns me to the home screen.

The illusory power of money has this whole country in such a vice grip that close friends and blood relatives won’t even lend you money anymore without some sort of collateral or long-winded speech about how no one trusts you anymore because you “never pay anyone back” and “spent the last $500 to wager a bet on who would be the next pope.” I guess some people are just born cynics.

A wise man once said, “What you don’t know can’t hurt you.” This wise man was my father, and time would reveal he was referring to the widely rumored affair my mother had with one of her subordinates. However, I find the saying applies to almost all situations. Maintaining optimism requires not asking too many questions. Buying a turkey sandwich, with extra mustard, at the deli without my card declining is all the information I need about my finances.

The best way to guide positivity into your life is to adopt an abundance mindset. To achieve this, you must train yourself to understand that things like finances and human potential are expansive rather than limited. Unfortunately, it’s nearly impossible to employ an abundance mentality when Chase Bank contacts you every five seconds to say your account is overdrawn and being sent to collections. Corporate America keeps trying to clip my wings, but they don’t realize I’m a phoenix.

My natural inborn tendency towards idealism and rebirth is kept alive by getting rid of anything that doesn’t serve me, and that usually starts with any mail I receive from my bank, the DMV, or the IRS. Whenever I fire up an illegal barrel burn to get rid of excess refuse around my apartment, I’m careful to include anything that has words like “Open Immediately” and “Last Notice” printed directly on the envelope. If someone has something urgent to say, they’ll call me, but I won’t know because my phone has been shut off due to non-payment.