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If Alcohol Is So Dehydrating Why Did It Make Me Pee My Pants?

Doctors and scientists will tell you that alcohol is severely dehydrating, but doctors also used to prescribe lobotomies to anyone with ADHD, and scientists were putting cocaine in soda until the 1930s, so I tend to take “professional opinions” with a grain of salt.

Hey brainiacs, If alcohol is so dehydrating, why did I recently wake up from a wild night out in a urine-soaked bed covered in sweat? Biologists blame it on a renal process called diereses, which is just fancy medical talk for drinking so many Michelob Ultras that you piss yourself in public after a Def Leppard concert and have to convince others you spilled a drink in your lap.

Sorry, but trying to brainwash me into believing that increased urine output is a direct result of dehydration is like when my family tries to convince me global warming is real even when it gets really chilly outside and I’m forced to put on a light jacket. Ain’t gonna happen, guys.

The amount of urine I produce when I drink the recommended eight glasses of water a day can only be described as “measly” when compared to the geyser of piss I produce after drinking just two cans of Coors Light. I know doctors will disagree but the proof is in the pudding, and by that, I mean the pee is in my pants.

To put things in perspective, consider the fact that beer is 95 percent water while the human body is only 75 percent water, meaning that beer is actually extremely hydrating. Unfortunately, this fun factoid came as little solace to my now ex-girlfriend when I tried explaining to her that getting black-out drunk and pissing in all her house plants is really just a nuanced form of irrigation.

Great ideas have always been met with great resistance, which is why I don’t propose to convince lesser minds of my progressive views on human physiology.

Whenever I see a man or woman stumbling home from a pub at an obscene hour with pee stains spidering down their pant legs, my first thought is always, “I hope they get home safe,” and my second thought is, “At least they’re hydrated.”