BOSTON — Local deathcore fan Toby Branstein decided to bust out his finest carabiner keychain for the upcoming special Red Chord show, confirmed sources who needed to upgrade theirs now that they think about it.
“I only use this one for special occasions, like high-profile shows, weddings, and my grandmother’s funeral,” said Branstein while attempting to pair the carabiner keychain with just the right jeans. “I actually tried to get a brand new one for this event in particular so I can look as fresh as possible, but evidently they don’t sell carabiners at Men’s Warehouse or Nordstrom. Get this. They don’t even sell white or studded belts. It’s like there are no high-end men’s clothing stores anymore. Either way, I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a carabiner from Walmart to this show. Show some damn respect.”
Friends of Branstein wish he matured his style just a bit.
“This guy still dresses with his keys dangling from his belt loop as if they were part of some sort of exoskeleton,” said long acquaintance Meg Daffodil. “I get that this is a very special show, but if that’s the case he should really be wearing a suit and tie. Or at least go business casual. Any old Norma Jean t-shirt will simply not do. After all, you need to dress for the show you want, not the one you’re going to. It’s time for this 38-year-old to grow up and wear show-appropriate apparel.”
Fashion experts agreed that men in general have a hard time updating their wardrobe as they age.
“Some men like to accessorize with expensive watches and designer sunglasses, others prefer implements that are used exclusively for rockclimbing. For some reason, these people are fans of subgenres that end with the word ‘core,’” said stylist Deb Macintyre. “It is very difficult for a lot of men to adapt their style as they age. That’s why it’s best to shame them into changing. Publicly or privately, it does not matter. Just make them feel guilty for every style decision they’ve ever made in their lives. Always works.”
At press time, Branstein decided to bust out his best pair of Vans for an upcoming job interview.