MINNEAPOLIS — Target announced they would be reducing this year’s selection of Pride merchandise to a single t-shirt depicting an androgynous person shrugging in response to last year’s controversy surrounding their LGBTQ+-friendly apparel, confirmed multiple high-ranking sources.
“In order to avoid more threats of violence and accusations and about our pride collection promoting child grooming and perversion, we are overhauling this year’s offering to a single shirt of an androgynous, nonbinary person throwing up their arms almost as if to say ‘What the hell is this anyway?’ We feel that Target has successfully toed the line with a depiction of sexual ambiguity that’ll hopefully be enough for the queer community,” said Target executive Bradley Smith. “Numerous focus groups in the Deep South and battleground states led us to the creation of this solitary, unisex t-shirt depicting an indifferent non-binary person. This way LGBTQ+ guests will be safe to shop in our stores just like our reactionary and conspiratorial right-wing guests.”
Despite Target’s scaled-back approach, customers with conservative values still weren’t happy.
“I’ll never forget what happened last year when I had to explain to my kid why someone would put ‘Trans Lives Matter’ on a shirt. It was one of the most horrific things to happen to me and my family ever. And this year’s line is no different, what with this mystery person shrugging so condescendingly at family values,” said Susan Michaels. “I just want to be able to shop in peace and not have to look at some woke shirt insinuating that gender is fluid. I promise I will berate every minimum wage Target employee in a 50-mile radius until it’s removed.”
LGBTQ+ activists were not surprised by Target’s lackluster offerings.
“The fight for visibility and acceptance has been profoundly difficult, but it would be naive to think Target gave a shit about queer people in the first place. The only reason they started a Pride line was because they realized gay people have money. But like many brands facing a backlash that’ll threaten shareholder value, they reverse course and give us watered-down garbage,” said Adrian Polakowski. “Just yesterday Walmart introduced a line of trad wife dresses ominously placed next to their Pride display, and Kohls’ revealed a line of Pride shirts that just say ‘Bisexual Unicorn Who Dates Guys That Listen to Joe Rogan.’”
As of press time, Target instructed employees to stock the shirt behind the store so as to not make any conservative customers inadvertently question their sexuality even for a second.