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QAnon Follower Desperately Trying to Decipher Significance of “34” in Trump’s 34 Convictions

BOISE, Idaho. —  Followers of the QAnon conspiracy theory are trying to find hidden meaning in the 34 felony convictions of former president Donald Trump which were handed down in the New York criminal fraud case yesterday, multiple Facebook loving sources confirmed.

“There must be some message he is trying to send us by being purposefully convicted 34 times in this so-called hush money trial,” said longtime Q believer Brenda Derbock. “If you think about it, 34 is 33 plus 1. 33 is the highest level of the Freemasons and Donald Trump is the one! Also, 34 plus 45, for 45th president, equals 79, which will be how old he will be when he becomes president again. Even though as we all know he is still secretly the president and Biden is just an actor. It’s so obvious if you look close enough.”

Some aren’t convinced, however, and think this may just be another dead end.

“I know Brenda, we used to chat on a Q message board forum and I think she is wasting her time trying to find a meaning in this,” said former Q believer Tyler Boggs from his therapist’s office. “I can’t tell you how much time we wasted looking through every one of Trump’s misspelled Tweets or flubs he would say looking for some clue that this whole Q thing was real. Luckily, I finally realized there was nothing to any of this and the followers are just fucking crazy, and it only took getting divorced and losing my job to get me there, Besides, it was RFK Jr. who actually set Trump up. Everyone knows that.”

Mental health expert Liz Smith says she has seen a rise in the number of patients who suffer delusional paranoia in the last 8 years.

“I have spent my entire career specializing in cult psychology and working with patients who suffer from delusions, but at this point with this QAnon stuff I… I just can’t do it anymore,” said a tearful Smith. “I was a fool to think I could help people with mental illness in these times. If the whole world is insane and I am the only sane one, that means insanity is the new normal and I am the one who is actually insane. But regardless, they can’t stop obsessing over benign things such as the number of charges, and frankly, they are never going to change. Depressing.”

At press time, Derbock had a new theory that 34 actually represented NFL Hall of Famer Walter Payton, claiming that “Payton played for the Chicago Bears in 1984 and was a halfback and his number was 34, half of 34 is 17, Q is the 17th letter of the alphabet, and Chicago is under deep state control like the book ‘1984.’”