LOS ANGELES – Blink 182’s highly anticipated new album “One More Time” will not feature songs about how Tom Delonge was right about aliens thanks to a strict policy Mark Hoppus enforced throughout the recording process, confirmed sources with Dickies shorts, tube socks, and high-top Vans.
“Yes, we’re all very excited that Tom was right about aliens. It really makes all those hours we spent on the bus where he would talk at us about government cover-ups worth it,” said Hoppus while thumbing through girly magazines at 7-Eleven. “But you know what? It’s 2023, and the world is a different place. There are plenty of other topics for us to cover in these news songs Like, I saw a dog take a liquid shit last year. And this other time, there was a fight at the mall, and this chick’s boob totally popped out. Right in front of Panda Express. As a matter of fact, there’s even a song about when I banged your mom twice. In your own bed.”
Tom DeLonge was initially hesitant about the edict, but in the end, he admitted he agreed with the band’s directive.
“I didn’t mind at all,” said DeLonge. “I want the focus of the new record to be more about the classic Blink lineup reuniting, and less about you incorrectly thinking I was a zonked-out pillhead while I was actually working with the government to uncover shadow conspiracies. The new album is sick. Mark wrote this song about a girl he fingered in high school that is a straight-up banger. Besides, the next Angels & Airwaves will cover how right I was about aliens in exhaustive, comprehensive detail.”
An FBI agent spoke about the new Blink 182 record on the condition of anonymity.
“The United States Government has already deployed a sleeper agent to monitor the Blink 182 organization from within,” said the FBI agent while offering us a cigarette in a parking garage. “We can’t tell you the specifics of the mission, but we can tell you that he should be able to drum up some convincing intelligence regarding DeLonge. You might say the agent is always behind DeLonge, and that he will be keeping the interests of the band very close to his heavily tattooed chest.”
At press time, Blink 182 was seen purchasing fake IDs despite the fact that they are highly recognizable public figures who are well above drinking age.
Typically an escape room will allow for more players than is really helpful. You don’t want too many cooks in the kitchen stepping all over each other. Uncle Bill is in town? Okay. Whatever other alcoholic he’s currently dating? They can sit this one out.
It is crucial that everyone on your team is on the same page at all times. You found a potential combo? Say it. You solved a lock? Tell everybody. You’ve always felt stifled by your mother’s fear of letting you spread your wings and you resent her? Well, no, you’re not going to say that. You’re just going to sit on that and let it fester and rot forever.
Sure you’re incapable of doing this with your children when it matters most, like when they try getting you to see them for who they are not who you want them to be, but you can do it in a puzzle room for an hour, right? Right?
Not only is ignoring the house rules potentially dangerous, it can be a huge waste of time. That door labeled “staff only” isn’t a red herring, so don’t try to open it! You’re kid saying “Stop asking me if I’m on drugs!” might actually have clinical depression, so stop trying to find their stash instead of getting them help!
You never know where something could be hiding, so look around! Maybe there’s a clue hiding under that jewelry box. Maybe that candelabra is a secret switch. Maybe that hug from your father is hiding under that rug.
Many escape rooms use basic combo locks that you could learn to pick on Youtube, but don’t. Not only is it cheating, but it can disrupt the natural flow of the game. It might feel like a victory in the moment, but it can make things harder and more confusing in the long run. It’s like when Dad bought everyone ice cream instead of apologizing for punching that hole in the wall.
Typically in an escape room, once you’ve used something you won’t use it again, so it’s helpful to make a “discard” pile to avoid wasting time. Keys and combos are like the trust between parent and child. Once you’ve exploited it, it’s done forever.
If you’ve found the first 3 numbers to a 4 digit lock but you just can’t find the 4th, don’t waste time looking! Just cycle through all 10 possibilities for the last number. And if you’ve tried every conceivable way of forcing your son to be interested in football, maybe just accept that they aren’t you!
An escape room is all about the experience. The most rewarding escapes are usually the ones that take the full hour. You’re here to have fun, not set records. Save that high-expectation pressure for shaming your daughter when she only gets into her backup school.
Most escape rooms are non-linear, with multiple puzzles that can be solved at the same time. Instead of everyone crowding around one lock, branch off and see what you can accomplish. It’s a great strategy for escape, and a great way to internalize “I am so much more without these people.”
We all have blind spots, so if you think you know how to solve a puzzle but you’re just not getting anywhere, try giving another member of your group a turn. Hey, that worked! Now, will you help your wife get the free time she needs to land that real estate license instead of trying and failing to open that bar forever? No? Hmm.
Anxiety won’t help you solve puzzles. It’s 15 minutes in and you haven’t solved anything? Stay calm. You’re 30 minutes in and you’re still in the first room? Stay calm. The thin veneer of a functional family is crumbling around you while a stranger watches on camera and judges you? Stay calm.
Keep used locks in one place and try to keep items that seem to be related close together. You don’t want this escape room turning into another illustration of your collective depression and turmoil, like the kitchen.
Your family really ought to know by now that this solves nothing.
First of all: Check out DREAMCAR, an epically 1980s in the not-so-thrilling 2010s alternative/new wave supergroup containing bassist Tony Kanal, drummer Adrian Young, and guitarist Tom Dumont all from No Doubt, and prolific AFI/Blaqk Audio vocalist Davey “Oh!” Havok. Now that you’re done listening to all of DREAMCAR’s lone and self-titled 2017 album, thank us kindly, don’t do nothing, and revisit or listen for the first time to 2012’s “Push and Shove,” No Doubt’s reunion/most recent record, which came out nearly eleven years after 2001’s “Rock Steady.” It’s honestly a good LP, but truly is not that great because of its various sonic inconsistencies, and sadly is the band’s last record for the foreseeable future, and no more summers. Still, the album debuted at number three on the Billboard 200, proving that people still clamor for non-solo Stefani, and that is not to be undone.
Imagine Fishbone listened to a lot of Faith No More, Madness, and early RHCP, and you have this frenetic-in-a-fun-way record essentially boxed in; get it? Regardless, it has to be said that No Doubt’s 1992 debut self-titled studio album was originally recorded in a true DIY fashion, and redone after ND signed with IR. Unfortunately for the band, the label dropped the ball on this one, blaming such on flannel sweaters, and No Doubt literally had to self-finance a music video for our “play it again” song below known as “Trapped In A Box;” damn the man, save the empire. In tried and true form with the suits who know nothing about music except for the fact that it exists, this album initially tanked, eventually forced the band to self-produce their next, and low and behold, just one album later took ND to Mars and back.
If the seven-second mark of “Hella Good,” track two on 2001’s “Rock Steady,” was repeated for the entire album every seven seconds moving forward, this LP would’ve been ranked third or second, but underneath it all, it wasn’t, starting zero proverbial fires. While the band’s underrated previous album “Return of Saturn” was a letdown sales-wise, this one is slightly more of a disappointment from a song standpoint, but not from a moving unit one, impressively selling nearly three million copies in the United States during the age of Kazaa. We attribute this album’s success to a combination of catchiness, trends shifting, and overall scheduling, as it took them far less time to make this one than the one before it. Also, No Doubt knew that their audience wanted to dance, and dance they truly did with Bounty Killer, Lady Saw, and Mike Damone for nearly fifty minutes.
By the way, sometimes going back to your roots is a really good thing, and No “Freaking” Doubt reopened the gate of their then-fledgling career with 1995’s raw in a good way sophomore studio album “The Beacon Street Collection,” which is an undeniably fun, fun, fun ride for all of its ten tracks… And it came out the same exact year as “Tragic Kingdom”! Holy moly. That’s a lot of doubt for no. Also, Gwen Stefani sounds YOUNG AF on this and No Doubt’s debut self-titled album because she was, and still is, you creeps. The album cover may be silly, but so are you. Sublime fanboys, girls, people, and individuals who dig “Pawnshop” unite: The late Bradley Nowell of Sublime is featured on track three, “Total Hate ‘95,” which is about Pauly Shore’s “Jury Duty,” which is a cinema member of the EGOT club.
No Doubt’s fourth album has no “skip it” tracks, and neither does the next Shakespearean sovereign state LP below. Don’t let it go away, do not pass go, and do in fact watch the 1999 movie film “Go” featuring a then-new eventual track from this record called, uh, “New,” and Ramona Quimby of Judy Blume’s classic laserdisc “James and the Giant Peach.” We also think that this album would’ve sold way more records if it came out two or three years prior, but that’s showbiz, folks! Gwen’s braces that came out one year prior actually did better at the box office than this long-playing record… Hey yo!
Hey you! Happy now? Don’t speak. You can do it! Anyway, we’re gonna stop now with this likely predictable to everyone reading this ranking slot, but sometimes what is expected is best, except to all of who love this one but will still soullessly and criminally defecate on it, claiming that The Orange County Supertones, the biggest band in the Satanic scene, are so much better at the ska and music thing than ND. Whatever helps you sleep at night. This album is responsible for many incredible songs that are still played regularly on rock and pop radio, and a bunch of Bindis to basics. In closing, we’re gonna end it on this: If you had a chance to catch No Doubt on this album’s triumphant 1997 tour with different people known as The Lunachicks and “Pinkerton” era Weezer, you lived the good life without an old man cane.
