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10 Best Fictional Metal Bands For People Too Afraid to Experience Music in Real Life

Fictional bands in movies and tv shows are subject to heavy scrutiny. It’s a mixed bag, quality-wise. Some are notable stinkers, while most fall somewhere between passable and forgettable. But then there are those precious few that just fucking rip. We’re here to talk about those ones. And before you get into this we don’t want to hear any complaining like “This band isn’t metal.” Just shut up, they aren’t even real bands and metal is a loosely defined genre.

Moloch (CHiPs)

Nothing says rock ‘n’ roll like NBC’s hit cop drama “CHiPs” (c. 1977-1983). On Halloween 1982, the episode “Rock Devil Rock” introduced the world to Moloch, a satanic rock star played by Don Most, who your parents might remember as Ralph from “Happy Days.” Moloch sports KISS-inspired makeup and a sparkly red getup that looks like Elvis cosplaying the Devil. It’s better than it has any reason to be.

Wyld Stallyns (Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure/Bill & Teds Bogus Journey)

In “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure” (1989), Bill S. Preston, Esq., and “Ted” Theodore Logan’s music will one day save the world — but first, they’ve gotta ace their history report. Eventually, their band includes two princesses from the 15th century, Death on bass, and an alien on the bongos. We finally see the Wyld Stallyns perform in “Bill & Teds Bogus Journey” (1991), where they play “God Gave Rock and Roll to You” (originally by Kiss). Not to mention, “it’s excellent for dancing.”

Dethklok (Metalocalypse)

I was told that if I neglected to include Dethklok on this list, then someone would be sent to kick my ass. The animated metal band, created by Brendon Small, also has a real-life counterpart that performs live. In fact, they’re going on tour later this year with the Japanese kawaii metal band Babymetal. If you don’t find that delightful, then I don’t know what to tell you.

Crucial Taunt (Wayne’s World)

When we first learn about Crucial Taunt in “Wayne’s World,” Garth says, “I hear they can wail!” And wail, indeed, they can. Cassandra Wong, the band’s lead singer and bassist, is the standout — as anyone with ears, eyes, and a heart can attest to. Tia Carrere sang her own vocals on songs she performed in the movie, including a cover of The Sweet’s “Ballroom Blitz.” The cover was included on the film’s soundtrack, which went double-Platinum (a metric that was used to measure success back when people still bought CDs).

Wyckyd Sceptre (Mr. Show with Bob and David)

Before Bob Odenkirk was a critically-acclaimed dramatic actor, he played a member of Wyckyd Sceptre during an episode of “Mr. Show” called “Show Me Your Weenis!” After a mishap involving a “party tape,” the band performs the song “Gettin’ the Shaft” for an audience of leather daddies. I’d just like to point out that the sketch involves fellatio, butt plugs, and Spongebob.

Doxxxology (Poker Face)

The murder-of-the-week series “Poker Face” follows Charlie (Natasha Lyonne), a human lie detector who works a lot of odd jobs. In the fourth episode, “Rest in Metal,” Charlie works as a merch girl for Doxxxology, a one-hit-wonder metal band. Chloë Sevigny plays Ruby Ruin, Doxxxology’s frontwoman, and John Darnielle of the Mountain Goats plays another one of the band’s members. Darnielle helped contribute to the original music in the episode, alongside Hatebreed’s Jamey Jasta. The song “Sucker Punch” is catchier than it has any right to be, and I apologize in advance for it getting stuck in your head.

Black Roses (Black Roses)

A band made up of literal demons is bound to be pretty cool. The eponymous band from the 1988 horror movie “Black Roses” transforms normal, wholesome teens into murderous Manson family-esque monsters. Someone has gotta stop the band to save the town, if only they didn’t rock so fuckin’ hard.

(The audio in this video doesn’t line up with the graphics, but you get the point. Get off our back.)

The Lone Rangers (Airheads)

Besides answering the question of who would win in a wrestling match between Lemmy and God, 1994’s “Airheads” introduced the world to The Lone Rangers. Maybe they’re more like power slop, but with an edge. Regardless, they are fiercely devoted to heavy metal. And it’s no surprise that their music rips, as their hit song is a cover of “Degenerated” by Reagan Youth.

Camel Lips (Serial Mom)

1994 was a good year for fictional bands. In John Waters’ “Serial Mom,” L7 played the band Camel Lips, complete with prosthetic vulvas that made the group’s namesake evident. When an actual death occurs on stage during their show, it seems to bolster their performance and is met with cheers from the crowd. What a sight.

Spinal Tap (This is Spinal Tap)

How much more metal could this be? The answer is none more metal. Spinal Tap is the prototype, the perfect fake band. The execution in 1984’s This Is Spinal Tap was so convincing that Ozzy Osbourne “thought it was a fucking documentary, I did!”

Honorable Mentions:

Skullfucker (Metal Lords)

Crucifictorious (Friday Night Lights)

If they had kept their original lineup and sound they may have made the official list, but then they turned into a crappy indie band in the later seasons. We would rather have had Landry kill another guy than sit through the band’s new sound.

This dude (Mad Max Fury Road)