NEW YORK — Local weakling and black metal singer Percy “Blall” Miller of the group Assküm spent the entirety of his band’s 30-minute set attempting to rip a copy of the King James Bible in half on stage as part of his act to no avail, several sources report.
“I don’t understand. They make it sound so easy online,” Miller explained, adding the war on the light will be fought with lyrics about snowstorms and tall mountains, not with brawn. “Although this particular bible may have won this time, I’ll be prepared to take on a whole wheelbarrow full of bibles at the upcoming battle of the bands at Big Dale’s Pinapalooza bowling alley. I’ll be sure to take my special extra strength tincture and try my first ever bicep curl before that gig. If that doesn’t work, I’ll see if they sell bibles in three-page pamphlet form.”
Metalhead Alice Balloff, who frequents many metal shows in the area, was put off by the pathetic struggle coming from the Assküm singer.
“Black metal is inherently embarrassing, I get that. But watching a 115-pound guy in panda bear makeup struggle to tear up a book is a whole new level,” Balloff stated. “He just kept going at it, down on his knees, to eventually rolling around virtually tussling with the goddamn thing. It was like an MMA fight and the bible was clearly winning. Even worse, the band just kept on playing through the set like they were totally used to him doing this. I bought a shirt from their merch table strictly out of pity!”
Black metal scene veteran Rory “Bügnor” Svenski was well aware of the genre’s many on-stage blunders.
“You can’t dedicate your entire life to a music style that defies god, and not expect some hiccups along the way,” Svenski stated, adding the stories of “epic fails” have been around since this first wave. “Believe it or not, even genre gods Venom had a legendary moment of embarrassment while playing Hammersmith in 1985 when Cronos was trapped under a massive puppet of the ‘Black Metal’ cover demon for hours. They eventually got him loose, but most of his hair was unfortunately lost in the incident. Turns out that thing weighed only 15 pounds. That’s awkward.”
At press time, Miller attempted to get in shape at his local gym but was asked to leave Planet Fitness after dripping corpse paint all over the facility’s equipment.