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Ron DeSantis Horrified to Discover “Woke” Drawn On Forehead After Falling Asleep First at GOP Candidate Sleepover

MENDHAM TOWNSHIP, N.J. — Florida governor Ron DeSantis awoke the morning after a GOP presidential hopeful slumber party to discover the word “WOKE” written on his forehead in permanent marker, sources still crying about it confirm.

“It’s so completely unfair,” said DeSantis, while putting on his big boy heels. “I told the guys that I might get sleepy first because I have a big day tomorrow meeting with a few groups that want to ban textbooks in school. And I have a lot of activities to do, like my karate class at noon. But there were so many Totino’s pizza rolls I couldn’t help myself. And those make me sleepy. They knew I was gonna fall asleep first. It’s just such bullcrap. It’s like… if someone drew a man’s no-no hose but like… it’s like… a ba-jillion times more grosser.”

There has been some speculation as to who might have actually done the deed, though most agree Mike Pence was not culpable.

“I didn’t even want to invite Mike,” said host and candidate Chris Christie. “We went to Pence’ss house in Indiana last time, and all they had were these lame Bible toys. Mike wouldn’t have done it. He didn’t want to touch another boy while he was sleeping because that gets you ‘extra hell,’ whatever that means. He wouldn’t even let us invite Nikki Haley because he didn’t think it should be a ‘boy-girl party.’ It sucks!”

Apparently the sleepover was off to a rough start from the get-go, leading some sources, including Christie’s wife Mary Pat, to speculate that the former governor himself might have done the deed.

“Chris was being fussy all day,” said Mrs. Christie. “He was mad because I made him invite Vivek and Perry [Johnson]. He said they would make the party ‘super uncool.’ But I told him he had to learn how to be nice or I wouldn’t let him and the guys order pizza. He also asked me if he could at least invite Donald Trump to get brownie points with the other guys even though he badmouths him constantly. I told him what a busy little guy Donny is. I mean, he has ninety-one extra-curricular activities. And counting.”

At press time, DeSantis had managed to scrub the word “WOKE” off of his forehead, and had locked himself in his bedroom to find a way to blame Joe Biden for the incident.