Movies. They just keep getting more profitable, and thus better. There’s just one problem. A small, insignificant faction of the people who make you the movies, namely every single writer and actor (boooo, hiss,) have refused to work until we the suits start treating them like human beings and guarantee their involvement in the process going forward.
Fear not movie fans! Though our plan to wean movie making off of costly, vestigial, antiquated things like “human involvement” could have used a few more years to cook, we’re confident that after some light legal maneuvering over who owns the rights to what’s own face, we have all the tools we need to move forward!
With ChatGPT cranking out the scripts and casting, our AI animators are already hard at work bringing you an uncanny valley of blockbusters for 2024! And don’t worry, we told the robot that you people like diversity, so don’t @ us, lolz. That’s a thing, right?
30. Timeless Love
Synopsis: A history-loving influencer (Emma Stone) stumbles upon a series of love letters from the past and becomes obsessed with finding their author (Matthew McConaughey) in a TikTok-worthy time-travel adventure that will have you at the edge of your 18-45 year-old demographic seat, celebrating diversity.
Wow, edge-of-your-seat romance AND diversity? Sorry SAG-AFTRA, date night is back on!
29. Ghost Hunters
Synopsis: A bunch of bumbling ghost hunters (Seth Rogen, Kristen Wiig, Jonah Hill) accidentally unleash a gaggle of mischievous spirits in a haunted mansion, creating hilarious Snapchat-worthy chaos, all while exploring the cerebral and moody side of the supernatural and promoting diversity.
Don’t even try to tell us that our algo doesn’t know what diversity means, Seth Rogen and Kristen Wiig look nothing alike! That’s probably why it threw Jonah Hill in there, to bridge the divide. Oh, apparently Jonah is bad now? Well, that’s okay, it’s not him, just his likeness. See, we can have it both ways now!
28. Innocent Lies
Synopsis: A world-famous shrink (Meryl Streep) gets caught in a web of deception when her patient (Cate Blanchett) confesses to a murder that may or may not have happened. Is it all just a viral TikTok prank gone wrong, with a little something for Daddy’s fascination with the multiverse and a nod to diversity?
Diversity AND a little something for daddy? Sounds like a four-quadrant hit with award consideration potential! Everyone loves Meryl Streep, and they’re going to love our computer generated likeness of her even more! She’s been de-aged, airbrushed, and doesn’t have the same pesky human needs like time off and water that the real Meryl is so obsessed with! #sorrynotsorry #youpeoplelikehashtagsright?
27. Space Pirates
Synopsis: A charismatic space pirate (Chris Hemsworth) recruits a diverse crew (Zendaya, John Boyega, and Zoe Saldana) for an epic heist in the galactic underworld, all while flexing their interstellar swagger, plus a little something for the boys who love action-packed adventures and laser karate, and a commitment to diversity.
It’s “Guardians of the Galaxy” meets “Star Wars!” Wait those are like the same thing. Uh… It’s a new thing!
26. Melody’s Magical Music Box
Synopsis: Melody (voiced by Ansel Elgort), a young musician, stumbles upon a magical music box that brings his compositions to life. However, he must decide between fame and the enchanting world he’s discovered within the music box, leading to a heartwarming journey of self-discovery and the power of music. Zoomers, experience a musical adventure that will resonate with your generation and become part of the financially lucrative fandom of Pixar’s enchanting tales!
This one is gonna tug at your heartstrings because we have literally reduced emotional manipulation to a cold science.
25. The Last Survivor
Synopsis: A lone survivor (Tom Hanks) must navigate a post-apocalyptic wasteland, seeking fellow Zoomers and the ultimate viral comeback in a world gone viral (in a different sense), exploring themes of isolation and a lack of sexuality, all while promoting diversity.
Okay I’ll be the first to admit the CGI Tom Hanks needs work, but the story, uh.. hey, Tom Hanks is in it!
24. Undercover Operatives
Synopsis: Two rival undercover agents (Ryan Reynolds, Charlize Theron) must join forces to stop an international terrorist threat, complete with TikTok disguises, SnapMap espionage, and Instagram-worthy showdowns, all while keeping you at the edge of your 18-45-year-old demographic seat and celebrating diversity, daddy.
Always need a little something for the diversity daddies.
23. Lost in Translation 2
Synopsis: Middle-aged Charlotte (Scarlett Johansson) and Bob (Bill Murray) reunite in Tokyo for an Insta-worthy journey to reconnect and reflect on life’s #Adulting struggles, with a little something for daddy’s nostalgia and cerebral reflection, and a commitment to diversity.
Okay apparently ChatGPT isn’t up to date on people’s perception of Bill Murray, but again, it’s not really him! That’s the beauty of all this! We could make another Bill Cosby movie and you could watch it guilt-free!
22. The Forgotten Heir
Synopsis: A young Zoomer (Emma Watson) discovers her magical heritage and embarks on an Insta-fabulous quest with a wise wizard (Ian McKellen) to reclaim her kingdom and become a true #Queen, delving into themes of destiny and the multiverse, all while celebrating diversity.
When we were still doing things the old-fashioned way, the last thing I pitched was “We need another Emma Watson movie with magic lightning and such.” ChatGPT, you’ve made a worthless old out-of-touch executive very proud today.
21. Vigilante Justice
Synopsis: A retired cop (Liam Neeson) takes law and justice into his own hands when his daughter (Emily Blunt) gets caught in a real-life drama filled with Reddit-worthy twists, with a little something for the boys who love vigilante action and suspense, and a commitment to diversity.
My whole problem with the movie “Taken” was the name, “Taken.” What is taken? Who is taken? Will said thing or person be taken back, and if so, will it be within the bounds of the law? With a title like “Vigilante Justice” the audience knows exactly what to expect. For my money ChatGPT is already running laps around you “writers.”
20. The Quantum Paradox
Synopsis: A genius physicist (Natalie Portman) communicates with her future self (Rachel McAdams) in a trippy TikTok trend, leading to mind-blowing, time-bending consequences, all while exploring the cerebral and moody side of time travel, with a commitment to diversity.
It’s part “Annihilation,” part “Arrival,” and that’s it those are the two parts. That will be $15.
19. City of Shadows
Synopsis: A hardcore detective (Idris Elba) investigates bizarre murders in a dystopian city, exposing conspiracy theories that will leave Zoomers with goosebumps and cryptic emoji messages, and a little something for the boys who love mystery and suspense, and a commitment to diversity.
Wow, Idris Elba?! You love him! And notice how the computer made him a hardcore detective instead of regular? It gets you!
18. The Art of Forgiveness
Synopsis: A hashtag-trending father (Brad Pitt) and son (Timothée Chalamet) bond through their shared love for art, mending old wounds and inspiring a new generation of #FamilyGoals, all while exploring the cerebral and moody side of family dynamics, and promoting diversity.
I don’t talk about this a lot, but I actually grew up in a very moody and cerebral family, so this one gave me goosebumps. Sure, those are two of the buzzwords we fed into the bot, but wow, ChatGPT, you know how to cut to the core of me.
17. Mystic Isle
Synopsis: A young explorer (Lily James) stumbles upon a hidden island with magical creatures and falls in love with a merman (Harry Styles) in an enchanting Insta-story romance, complete with laser karate, and a celebration of diversity.
Wait, we didn’t make this? I could have sworn we already made this.
16. The Time Traveler’s Journal
Synopsis: A trendy librarian (Cate Blanchett) uncovers a mysterious journal that lets her witness historical events IRL, leading to an epic YouTube-worthy quest for answers, all while exploring the cerebral and moody side of time travel, and promoting diversity.
Not enough has been said about the cerebral and moody side of time travel. ChatGPT, you truly hold up the mirror.
This album seems to be a bit of a regression from the earlier Bad Brains material. The punk’s a bit harder, but it’s also… sloppier, somehow. The anger feels like it’s been replaced by spleen-venting. And, of course, we should talk about the elephant in the room that is “Don’t Blow Bubbles,” a song that has had a really problematic legacy of homophobia, suggesting that if you “don’t blow bubbles” and “don’t blow spikes,” AIDS would not exist. To the Bad Brains’ credit, in the years since the song came out, the band has distanced itself from the song, and re-releases of the album do not feature it. That being said, even with “Don’t Blow Bubbles” out of the mix, there’s still something less than enchanting about this album when listened to alongside its predecessors. It’s not the worst thing ever, but it does feel an underwhelming shout from the late 1980s. Not unlike the presidency of George H.W. Bush.
After bouncing around different frontmen throughout the late-’80s and early-’90s, Bad Brains reclaimed original vocalist H.R. for this rocking, rap-inflected mid-90s album. And the result, much like a haircut from a coked-out barber, is sadly uneven. Now don’t get me wrong. You have to respect Bad Brains for playing around with style. After almost twenty years of existence, the willingness to play with different genres and styles (hip-hop specifically) is commendable. Better that than be the musical equivalent of the adults who only eat pasta and Chipotle for every meal. But it doesn’t save “God of Love” from its cardinal sin. It’s honestly just kind of boring. From the start, on songs like “Cool Mountaineer” you almost get the sense their hearts aren’t in it. The rap on songs like “Justice Keepers” is as nosy and intrusive as a Human Resources representative and the energy is lethargic throughout.
“Quickness” and “God of Love” are really the only two Bad Brains albums I can’t, in good conscience, recommend. But for newcomers, there’s something tricky in “I & I Survived.” That’s not to say it’s a bad album. It’s not. It is, however, an album without a lead vocalist. Israel Joseph I was long gone and H.R. had split yet again, leaving the band down to a nearly all-instrumental core trio in Darryl Jenifer, Earl Hudon and Dr. Know. The three come together to create a slow-going reggae and ska-based album. With that in mind, it’s difficult not to see Jenifer (on bass) as the hero of this album, but really the group plays perfectly together, with Jenifer and Dr. Know doing most of the arrangements for both the new and covered songs (“I & I Survive” and “Gene Machine” both appear here.) This album is perfect for when you just need to chill out, maybe relax, study, and, certainly not do schedule-one narcotics to.
Ah, the ‘90s. The very end of history has been attained. And so has a brand new frontman for Bad Brains in the form of Israel Joseph I. With Joseph, the band took on another new sound. The screaming, wailing hardcore disruption of H.R. had been replaced with steady grooving, funk-infused hard-rock. On the surface, “Rise” is not dramatically different from a lot of other ‘90s rock albums. It’s just a bit better. Songs like “Love is the Answer” retain the band’s reggae spirit, while “Free” and “Hair” create an accessible new kind of rock sound for the band, and songs like “Coming in Numbers” and “Miss Freedom” harken back to the punk roots. This album is perfect for slipping back into a ‘90s frame of mind. Perfect for counting down the return of “King of the Hill,” “Frasier” and most likely, hantavirus.
Thirty years and eight albums since the original “Bad Brains,” “Into the Future” marks a kind of synthesis of everything the band had been playing with up to that point. The punk is abrasive, the funk is infectious, the guitar is utterly phenomenal, the bass and drums are delicious, the vocals are spot on. The “boyfriend” seems nice and the girls seem to have eaten their spaghetti and meatballs. The whole album has an ambitious playfulness to it, with song titles like “Popcorn” and “Rub a Dub Love.” A definite recommend. The fact that it’s this low on the list just shows that when this group is good, they’re very good.
A true comeback album for the ages. H.R., Daryl Jenifer, Dr. Know, and Earl Hudson are back in the studio together (under the eye of the Beastie Boys’ MCA) and the album sounds incredible. “Build a Nation” has drive, focus, thematic consistency, and energy for days. Like a research paper written by a teenage Ritalin addict. “Build a Nation” focuses heavily on the spiritual themes that the Bad Brains have been playing with since the beginning. Songs like “Jah People Make the World Go Round” and “Give Thanks and Praises” both abound with electric holiness in an incredibly catchy way. But the album also harkens back to the group’s early days with songs like “Let There Be Angels (Just Like You)” and “In the Beginning.”
If the self-titled debut is staticky, hissing and insane, “Rock For Light” is… well, it’s those things too. Of course. But it’s just a little bit less. It’s a bit calmer. A bit more polished. There’s a little bit more reggae on here and redone covers of the band’s earlier songs that, while a bit more tidy and engineered, still manage to hit pretty hard. This album also touches more prominently on the band’s Rastafarian background with songs like “I and I Survive” and “The Meek” both taking on a more reggae-heavy sound and delving directly into social concerns.
An influence on acts like Sublime and Rage Against the Machine, there are many interesting things about the third Bad Brains album. Not the least of which is that the title track was covered by Jeff Buckley, thus bridging the gap between hardcore punk fans and people who think that poetry counts as foreplay. “I Against I” also shows something new for the band. There’s a proto-’90s groove on tracks like “Re-Ignition” and “House of Suffering” that adds a hookiness that wasn’t there on the first two albums, and full-blown pop-rock tendencies on “She’s Calling You” and “Secret 77,” which is either great or terrible depending on what kind of punk you are.
The Alpha. The Omega. The absolute GOAT. Whether you’ve listened to any Bad Brains before today or you’re just clicking on this article out of a sense of bored curiosity, you’ve definitely seen the iconic “lightning striking the capitol building” cover art before. This album is nearly perfect. There’s a lot of excellent stuff on here with songs like “Attitude” and “F.V.K. (Fearless Vampire Killers)” feeling like a raging punk tornado, while more reggae-inflected songs like “Jah Calling” harken back to the band’s Rastafarian-roots. Mostly though, the songs are fast, they’re angry, and often H.R.’s antagonistic falsetto blends the lyrics into pure banshee-like wailing. Like a smoothie made of barbed wire. (
Okay, let’s face it. Ian Duncan is too self-involved to even care that a school shooting is taking place. He’ll already be home by the time the SWAT team arrives. But the more likely scenario is him not even being on campus due to a 3-day alcohol binge.
Buddy is that one guy on campus who, towards the end of the school year, appears out of nowhere and you ask yourself, “Has he been enrolled here this whole time?” He’s so forgettable that a campus shooter would walk right past him and not even realize he was there. If anything, Buddy’s looking to get shot just to fit in.
Nobody knows who inhabits the racially ambiguous, gray unitard-wearing, Human Being, but one thing is certain, due to his vision being obscured, he’ll knock himself out the moment he turns a corner.
Pierce is the type of person who would push a handicapped person out of the way to get himself to safety. In a school shooting situation he would do one of two things, he’ll either grab a gun and join the shooter or he’ll pay the gunman a million dollars to spare his life but on the condition he also gets to shoot one student of his choosing.
Sometimes authority figures can give the false illusion of safety and protection. That’s why if you were to run into Greendale School Board members Richie Countee and Carl Bladt, you should run the other way. They will only slow you down with their befuddled gaze when you try to warn them about the active shooter. They’ll assume you’re talking about alcohol and then ask you to point them in the direction of said “shots.”
Stopping the gunman would not be one of Star-Burns’ priorities. He’d take the opportunity to start looting the campus of any valuables. He’d break into lockers, offices, and probably even wallets off of dead classmates. Because of the optics of his crimes, he would probably be charged as an accessory to the gunman.
It’s generally a good rule of thumb to not put your trust in happy-go-lucky people because oftentimes they’re full of shit. Professor Whitman unironically repeats the phrase “Carpe Diem,” which means that the moment he’s staring death in the face, he will crumble like the glorified fortune cookie aphorism he pretends to subscribe to. There will be a lot of tears and little seizing of the day.
Elroy would be one of the first to flee campus. He would jump in his RV and skip town, never to return. He’ll vow to never step foot in a “white man’s town” ever again.
This German coward would be useless in this situation. He’ll use his two goons as a distraction to run away. That’s why you should never trust someone who plays foosball.
I have one rule I live by: Never trust a white guy in a dashiki. Especially one that’s repulsed by the Whoopi Goldberg classic “Ghost.” The only way Professor Holly would be of any use is if, for some strange reason, the gunman broke out in song and sang “Unchained Melody” by The Righteous Brothers.
Fake Moby and Dean Pelton impersonator, Faux-by, doesn’t have a mind of his own. If there’s nobody there to tell him what to do, he will freeze up and stand completely still, hoping people will mistake him for a house plant.
Despite being the Dean of Greendale Community College, Craig Pelton, will most likely lock himself in his office and scream until the loud noises stop. Only after the gunman is apprehended will he realize those fireworks he heard were actually an AR-15. His first thought will be how this affects Greendale’s reputation. His second thought is if Jeff Winger made it out unscathed.
Leonard has hit that point in life where nothing matters. He lives life as if there’s no tomorrow because, well, he’s old as shit. If you think he’s gonna give two fucks about a gunman storming Greendale, you got another thing coming. The most Leonard will muster is a middle finger in the air while muttering, “Up yours, nerd,” as he continues to eat his chicken fingers.
Sure, Koogler might be that cool teacher you brag to your friends about well into your late 30s who you have to continuously defend with phrases like, “Well, 2007 was a different time,” but unless you’re a beach blonde bombshell with “huge knockers” you better believe he won’t care about your fate.
Meghan has the perfect combination of mean girl energy and self-loathing. This would make anyone think she’d be a worthy adversary against an impotent school shooter, however, her easy capitulation to Abed’s trash talk means that she’s all bark and no bite.
Since Rich is exactly the type of person to hide a zombie bite, it’s obvious he’s always looking out for number one. He, undoubtedly, will use the nearest person as a human shield and then memorialize the poor soul as if he actually gave a shit about them.
Professor Cornwallis will be rather perturbed to fall victim to the failings of American gun regulation as he’s far too smart and British to be caught up in some little incel’s vengeance plot. He’ll remind everyone that the UK has very strict gun laws and has had only 2 school shootings since 1996.
There’s no question in my mind that Vaughn would be the first to approach the gunmen, hoping his charm is persuasive enough to disarm him. But, unfortunately, “Yo bro-chacho, let’s hug it out” is the best he can come up with. After, inevitably, getting shot he utters his last words: “This is so not tight.”
Actor and Greendale alumni, Luis Guzman, has enough star power to make a gunman briefly stop and gush over his performance in 2000’s “Traffic.” Luis will get a free pass to safety and you best believe he’s gonna take it.
Britta is known for being both pro-social justice and anti-establishment so she’s not afraid of telling the gunman like it is. She’ll equip herself with snide remarks about the gunman’s lack of female attention is due to deep seeded maternal issues, or, what she calls an “odysseus” complex. However, once she gets his attention she’ll quickly apologize before running away.
This corporate puppet has no clue how to act outside the bounds of his corpo-humanization handbook. He’ll be running around campus like a headless chicken, humming outdated Subway jingles and wondering out loud if Quiznos was behind this attack. Luckily for him, after the dust clears, Subway (the company) will likely settle out of court and pay him millions and millions of dollars.
If you’ve listened to this whole album, which we are willing to bet most of you haven’t, this probably comes as no surprise to you. We are all for bands experimenting with their sound, just not like this. The worst part about this whole thing is that the album doesn’t make us want to do anything the band suggests we do to it; except for die to, because then we wouldn’t have to hear it anymore.
This one features artists like YUNGBLUD, Nova Twins, and Amy Lee. It also has an appearance from BABYMETAL, a band with a strong following of middle-aged men who definitely only like the group for their musicianship and absolutely nothing else. The album starts off super strong with the fast, highly moshable track “Dear Diary,” but the vibe quickly shifts with whatever the hell “Parasite Eve” is. The rest of the album ebbs and flows until Amy Lee sends the listener off choked-up and teary-eyed, as she’s been known to do.
Not only did this album launch BMTH into the spotlight, it also made frontman Oli Sykes the heartthrob of every middle-school-aged girl with a Hot Topic aesthetic, and, speaking personally here, some middle-school-aged boys fitting the same description. While CYB certainly wasn’t doing anything new, it nailed a sound that many bands at the time were desperately trying to attempt. Thankfully, most “____core” bands from this era have either evolved or faded into obscurity. Let’s hope those that did never return.
The band’s second full-length was a true sophomore album in every sense. They showed growth but were still kinda immature and cringe. Between the music video for “Chelsea Smile” and the infamous “I partied naked with Bring Me The Horizon” merch drop, the boys seemed to be trying to craft this bizarre scene jock image. If you can look past that though, the album is still pretty solid.
This album has it all; riffs, breakdowns, sing-alongs, and dance tracks featuring Grimes. “amo” was, at the time, easily the band’s most ambitious release in terms of experimentation and blending genres; and it worked, really well. The commercial success of this one came as a surprise to many, with tracks like “medicine” even getting play in large grocery store chains, serving as a harsh reminder to former scenesters turned suburbanites that they used to be cool, and that those holes in their ears aren’t going to close.
Oli always, like, kind of sort of teased singing on previous releases, but “Sempiternal” was the album that would give him a new signature sound, and the band’s eventual Tik-Tok stardom (unbeknownst to literally everyone at the time.) What was obvious to most is that this was the album that would shape the band’s sound from here on out, which some liked, and others still aren’t over. “Sempiternal” also gave us the “this is sand pit turtle” meme, which is still funny as far as we’re concerned.
No one expected a band like Bring Me to put out an album that you could play in the car with your parents and they’d tolerate. And let’s face it, your parents have hated everything you’ve ever done since you decided to major in poetry in college. Put simply, this is a really good, accessible rock album. If you were still trying to gatekeep the band at this point, you really had your work cut out for you.
This album is so good that we are willing to overlook the annoyingly long title, but it was the style of the time after all. BMTH did the seemingly impossible with this one; evolved their sound in a way that even the metalcore purists could get down with. This release essentially came with an announcement that fans should expect the unexpected from them moving forward, and that whatever they decided to do, it would be good. Besides “Music To Listen To…” of course.
