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We Sat Down With the Blood Clot in Mitch McConnell’s Brain and Asked When It’s Finally Gonna Make Some Moves

No nepo baby in recent memory has commanded the national attention than the looming blood clot located somewhere inside Mitch McConnell’s middle cerebral artery. The blood clot, also known as Bud Claude McConnell, is expected to make some major moves any day now but the public’s patience is growing thin.

We sat down with Bud Claude McConnell to figure out exactly what it is waiting for.

THE HARD TIMES: Thanks for chatting with us, Bud.

BUD CLAUDE MCCONNELL: Hey man, no worries at all, man.

So the way we see it, there’s really only one thing for you to do now.

What’s that? Continue chilling up here smoking some jazz lettuce while watching “Leave It to Beaver”? Because that’s all I have on my todo list, hombre.

Well, no not exactly. I think we’re all kinda hoping that you’ll, ya know… maybe try to move out of your parents’ house, if you know what I mean? Can you see me winking?

Look, man- get off my back. I’m only just discovering who I really am. Once I do, I’ll start looking for my own place. Until then, I’m gonna keep chillaxing and listening to Miles.

C’mon dude, even people on the right are realizing that Mitch has worn out his welcome in the Senate. You could, umm, help expedite the process.

To be honest, there have been two times this summer that I considered moving out. I’m sure you remember those very meme-able moments. But my motivation wasn’t political or anything… it was for love.

Wait, really? Wow. What’s her name?

HIS name. Blood clots can be gay, especially ones in Republican senators’ brains.

Of course, fuck, we’re sorry. What’s his name?

Arthur O’Sclerosis-Feinstein.

Ah yeah, that makes sense. Well, take it from us- when you find real, true love… you can’t sit around and wait. You must go to it. Bud, this is your chance! Go! Go to Arthur!

Uggh, I don’t know, he barely knows my name. Maybe in another decade or two.

God damnit.