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This Guy’s Girlfriend Really Does Live in Canada but He’s Still a Loser

Steve Carrington’s Canadian girlfriend. We’ve all heard this stuff before, but it’s so incredibly unbelievable that I genuinely thought Steve was joking for like a year. It honestly blew me away when he kept insisting that she really existed. Still, that was nothing compared to how shocked I was to learn that Chloe Long is real.

Perhaps most incredible of all is the fact that learning this didn’t actually improve my opinion of Steve, like, at all.

Steve Carrington, who I should emphasize has never been cool for a single moment of his goddamn life, really does have a super hot girlfriend who lives in Canada. She visited town last weekend, and honestly, she really seems great. I’m really happy for Steve, who once lost his shoe inside a revolving door and then the other shoe trying to get the first shoe back.

Chloe seems happy with Steve, despite his complete and utter lack of positive or even particularly interesting qualities. I know they don’t need my approval for their relationship, but I also know for a fact that when Steve was 17 he drove his mom’s car over a borrowed skateboard and claimed it “couldn’t handle his skills.” I don’t know if Chloe knows that story, or if it would change her opinion of him. I know that she should, and it ought to, but whatever.

I still don’t know if Steve and Chloe were actually dating when he started telling this story in middle school. It seems absolutely ridiculous, but fuck me, apparently, anything’s possible. If the story can be true when Steve is 31 and routinely gets ignored by bartenders, why couldn’t it be true when he was 14 and put a fake Smirnoff label on a plastic water bottle to try and impress us?

I just don’t know what to make of this. If we’re lucky, Chloe might visit more often in the future, which would make spending time with Steve way more bearable. The whole thing got me wondering about that other kid at school who kept talking about his “uncle who worked at Nintendo.” Nah, fuck you, Colin Fils-Aime, I still don’t believe you.