Movies. They just keep getting more profitable, and thus better. There’s just one problem. A small, insignificant faction of the people who make you the movies, namely every single writer and actor (boooo, hiss,) have refused to work until we the suits start treating them like human beings and guarantee their involvement in the process going forward.
Fear not movie fans! Though our plan to wean movie making off of costly, vestigial, antiquated things like “human involvement” could have used a few more years to cook, we’re confident that after some light legal maneuvering over who owns the rights to what’s own face, we have all the tools we need to move forward!
With ChatGPT cranking out the scripts and casting, our AI animators are already hard at work bringing you an uncanny valley of blockbusters for 2024! And don’t worry, we told the robot that you people like diversity, so don’t @ us, lolz. That’s a thing, right?
30. Timeless Love
Synopsis: A history-loving influencer (Emma Stone) stumbles upon a series of love letters from the past and becomes obsessed with finding their author (Matthew McConaughey) in a TikTok-worthy time-travel adventure that will have you at the edge of your 18-45 year-old demographic seat, celebrating diversity.
Wow, edge-of-your-seat romance AND diversity? Sorry SAG-AFTRA, date night is back on!
29. Ghost Hunters
Synopsis: A bunch of bumbling ghost hunters (Seth Rogen, Kristen Wiig, Jonah Hill) accidentally unleash a gaggle of mischievous spirits in a haunted mansion, creating hilarious Snapchat-worthy chaos, all while exploring the cerebral and moody side of the supernatural and promoting diversity.
Don’t even try to tell us that our algo doesn’t know what diversity means, Seth Rogen and Kristen Wiig look nothing alike! That’s probably why it threw Jonah Hill in there, to bridge the divide. Oh, apparently Jonah is bad now? Well, that’s okay, it’s not him, just his likeness. See, we can have it both ways now!
28. Innocent Lies
Synopsis: A world-famous shrink (Meryl Streep) gets caught in a web of deception when her patient (Cate Blanchett) confesses to a murder that may or may not have happened. Is it all just a viral TikTok prank gone wrong, with a little something for Daddy’s fascination with the multiverse and a nod to diversity?
Diversity AND a little something for daddy? Sounds like a four-quadrant hit with award consideration potential! Everyone loves Meryl Streep, and they’re going to love our computer generated likeness of her even more! She’s been de-aged, airbrushed, and doesn’t have the same pesky human needs like time off and water that the real Meryl is so obsessed with! #sorrynotsorry #youpeoplelikehashtagsright?
27. Space Pirates
Synopsis: A charismatic space pirate (Chris Hemsworth) recruits a diverse crew (Zendaya, John Boyega, and Zoe Saldana) for an epic heist in the galactic underworld, all while flexing their interstellar swagger, plus a little something for the boys who love action-packed adventures and laser karate, and a commitment to diversity.
It’s “Guardians of the Galaxy” meets “Star Wars!” Wait those are like the same thing. Uh… It’s a new thing!
26. Melody’s Magical Music Box
Synopsis: Melody (voiced by Ansel Elgort), a young musician, stumbles upon a magical music box that brings his compositions to life. However, he must decide between fame and the enchanting world he’s discovered within the music box, leading to a heartwarming journey of self-discovery and the power of music. Zoomers, experience a musical adventure that will resonate with your generation and become part of the financially lucrative fandom of Pixar’s enchanting tales!
This one is gonna tug at your heartstrings because we have literally reduced emotional manipulation to a cold science.
25. The Last Survivor
Synopsis: A lone survivor (Tom Hanks) must navigate a post-apocalyptic wasteland, seeking fellow Zoomers and the ultimate viral comeback in a world gone viral (in a different sense), exploring themes of isolation and a lack of sexuality, all while promoting diversity.
Okay I’ll be the first to admit the CGI Tom Hanks needs work, but the story, uh.. hey, Tom Hanks is in it!
24. Undercover Operatives
Synopsis: Two rival undercover agents (Ryan Reynolds, Charlize Theron) must join forces to stop an international terrorist threat, complete with TikTok disguises, SnapMap espionage, and Instagram-worthy showdowns, all while keeping you at the edge of your 18-45-year-old demographic seat and celebrating diversity, daddy.
Always need a little something for the diversity daddies.
23. Lost in Translation 2
Synopsis: Middle-aged Charlotte (Scarlett Johansson) and Bob (Bill Murray) reunite in Tokyo for an Insta-worthy journey to reconnect and reflect on life’s #Adulting struggles, with a little something for daddy’s nostalgia and cerebral reflection, and a commitment to diversity.
Okay apparently ChatGPT isn’t up to date on people’s perception of Bill Murray, but again, it’s not really him! That’s the beauty of all this! We could make another Bill Cosby movie and you could watch it guilt-free!
22. The Forgotten Heir
Synopsis: A young Zoomer (Emma Watson) discovers her magical heritage and embarks on an Insta-fabulous quest with a wise wizard (Ian McKellen) to reclaim her kingdom and become a true #Queen, delving into themes of destiny and the multiverse, all while celebrating diversity.
When we were still doing things the old-fashioned way, the last thing I pitched was “We need another Emma Watson movie with magic lightning and such.” ChatGPT, you’ve made a worthless old out-of-touch executive very proud today.
21. Vigilante Justice
Synopsis: A retired cop (Liam Neeson) takes law and justice into his own hands when his daughter (Emily Blunt) gets caught in a real-life drama filled with Reddit-worthy twists, with a little something for the boys who love vigilante action and suspense, and a commitment to diversity.
My whole problem with the movie “Taken” was the name, “Taken.” What is taken? Who is taken? Will said thing or person be taken back, and if so, will it be within the bounds of the law? With a title like “Vigilante Justice” the audience knows exactly what to expect. For my money ChatGPT is already running laps around you “writers.”
20. The Quantum Paradox
Synopsis: A genius physicist (Natalie Portman) communicates with her future self (Rachel McAdams) in a trippy TikTok trend, leading to mind-blowing, time-bending consequences, all while exploring the cerebral and moody side of time travel, with a commitment to diversity.
It’s part “Annihilation,” part “Arrival,” and that’s it those are the two parts. That will be $15.
19. City of Shadows
Synopsis: A hardcore detective (Idris Elba) investigates bizarre murders in a dystopian city, exposing conspiracy theories that will leave Zoomers with goosebumps and cryptic emoji messages, and a little something for the boys who love mystery and suspense, and a commitment to diversity.
Wow, Idris Elba?! You love him! And notice how the computer made him a hardcore detective instead of regular? It gets you!
18. The Art of Forgiveness
Synopsis: A hashtag-trending father (Brad Pitt) and son (Timothée Chalamet) bond through their shared love for art, mending old wounds and inspiring a new generation of #FamilyGoals, all while exploring the cerebral and moody side of family dynamics, and promoting diversity.
I don’t talk about this a lot, but I actually grew up in a very moody and cerebral family, so this one gave me goosebumps. Sure, those are two of the buzzwords we fed into the bot, but wow, ChatGPT, you know how to cut to the core of me.
17. Mystic Isle
Synopsis: A young explorer (Lily James) stumbles upon a hidden island with magical creatures and falls in love with a merman (Harry Styles) in an enchanting Insta-story romance, complete with laser karate, and a celebration of diversity.
Wait, we didn’t make this? I could have sworn we already made this.
16. The Time Traveler’s Journal
Synopsis: A trendy librarian (Cate Blanchett) uncovers a mysterious journal that lets her witness historical events IRL, leading to an epic YouTube-worthy quest for answers, all while exploring the cerebral and moody side of time travel, and promoting diversity.
Not enough has been said about the cerebral and moody side of time travel. ChatGPT, you truly hold up the mirror.