Summer has come to an end which means school is back in session and if you’re a student in America there’s always one fear top of mind: Leaving home without your shoes. Or is that just me? The next obvious answer is, of course, campus shootings.
It’s clear Congress refuses to act and we’ve already seen the police do the same. Who’s left to protect us? This got me thinking about the students and teachers at Greendale Community College. They’ve survived years of intense paintball tournaments, maniacal villain takeovers, and zombie-like foodborne illnesses.
If there’s anybody that can take on a limp-dick school shooter, it’s the Greendale Human Beings. So here are the Top 50 characters from NBC’s Community ranked by their ability to stop a campus shooter.
50. Dr. Ian Duncan
Okay, let’s face it. Ian Duncan is too self-involved to even care that a school shooting is taking place. He’ll already be home by the time the SWAT team arrives. But the more likely scenario is him not even being on campus due to a 3-day alcohol binge.
49. Buddy Austin
Buddy is that one guy on campus who, towards the end of the school year, appears out of nowhere and you ask yourself, “Has he been enrolled here this whole time?” He’s so forgettable that a campus shooter would walk right past him and not even realize he was there. If anything, Buddy’s looking to get shot just to fit in.
48. The Greendale Human Being
Nobody knows who inhabits the racially ambiguous, gray unitard-wearing, Human Being, but one thing is certain, due to his vision being obscured, he’ll knock himself out the moment he turns a corner.
47. Pierce Hawthorne
Pierce is the type of person who would push a handicapped person out of the way to get himself to safety. In a school shooting situation he would do one of two things, he’ll either grab a gun and join the shooter or he’ll pay the gunman a million dollars to spare his life but on the condition he also gets to shoot one student of his choosing.
46. Richie Countee and Carl Bladt
Sometimes authority figures can give the false illusion of safety and protection. That’s why if you were to run into Greendale School Board members Richie Countee and Carl Bladt, you should run the other way. They will only slow you down with their befuddled gaze when you try to warn them about the active shooter. They’ll assume you’re talking about alcohol and then ask you to point them in the direction of said “shots.”
45. Alex “Star-Burns” Osbourne
Stopping the gunman would not be one of Star-Burns’ priorities. He’d take the opportunity to start looting the campus of any valuables. He’d break into lockers, offices, and probably even wallets off of dead classmates. Because of the optics of his crimes, he would probably be charged as an accessory to the gunman.
44. Professor Eustice Whitman
It’s generally a good rule of thumb to not put your trust in happy-go-lucky people because oftentimes they’re full of shit. Professor Whitman unironically repeats the phrase “Carpe Diem,” which means that the moment he’s staring death in the face, he will crumble like the glorified fortune cookie aphorism he pretends to subscribe to. There will be a lot of tears and little seizing of the day.
43. Elroy Patashnik
Elroy would be one of the first to flee campus. He would jump in his RV and skip town, never to return. He’ll vow to never step foot in a “white man’s town” ever again.
42. Juergen
This German coward would be useless in this situation. He’ll use his two goons as a distraction to run away. That’s why you should never trust someone who plays foosball.
41. Professor Marion Holly
I have one rule I live by: Never trust a white guy in a dashiki. Especially one that’s repulsed by the Whoopi Goldberg classic “Ghost.” The only way Professor Holly would be of any use is if, for some strange reason, the gunman broke out in song and sang “Unchained Melody” by The Righteous Brothers.
40. Faux-by
Fake Moby and Dean Pelton impersonator, Faux-by, doesn’t have a mind of his own. If there’s nobody there to tell him what to do, he will freeze up and stand completely still, hoping people will mistake him for a house plant.
39. Craig Pelton
Despite being the Dean of Greendale Community College, Craig Pelton, will most likely lock himself in his office and scream until the loud noises stop. Only after the gunman is apprehended will he realize those fireworks he heard were actually an AR-15. His first thought will be how this affects Greendale’s reputation. His second thought is if Jeff Winger made it out unscathed.
38. Leonard Rodriguez
Leonard has hit that point in life where nothing matters. He lives life as if there’s no tomorrow because, well, he’s old as shit. If you think he’s gonna give two fucks about a gunman storming Greendale, you got another thing coming. The most Leonard will muster is a middle finger in the air while muttering, “Up yours, nerd,” as he continues to eat his chicken fingers.
37. Koogler
Sure, Koogler might be that cool teacher you brag to your friends about well into your late 30s who you have to continuously defend with phrases like, “Well, 2007 was a different time,” but unless you’re a beach blonde bombshell with “huge knockers” you better believe he won’t care about your fate.
36. Meghan
Meghan has the perfect combination of mean girl energy and self-loathing. This would make anyone think she’d be a worthy adversary against an impotent school shooter, however, her easy capitulation to Abed’s trash talk means that she’s all bark and no bite.
35. Rich Stephenson
Since Rich is exactly the type of person to hide a zombie bite, it’s obvious he’s always looking out for number one. He, undoubtedly, will use the nearest person as a human shield and then memorialize the poor soul as if he actually gave a shit about them.
34. Professor Cornwallis
Professor Cornwallis will be rather perturbed to fall victim to the failings of American gun regulation as he’s far too smart and British to be caught up in some little incel’s vengeance plot. He’ll remind everyone that the UK has very strict gun laws and has had only 2 school shootings since 1996.
33. Vaughn Miller
There’s no question in my mind that Vaughn would be the first to approach the gunmen, hoping his charm is persuasive enough to disarm him. But, unfortunately, “Yo bro-chacho, let’s hug it out” is the best he can come up with. After, inevitably, getting shot he utters his last words: “This is so not tight.”
32. Luis Guzman
Actor and Greendale alumni, Luis Guzman, has enough star power to make a gunman briefly stop and gush over his performance in 2000’s “Traffic.” Luis will get a free pass to safety and you best believe he’s gonna take it.
31. Britta Perry
Britta is known for being both pro-social justice and anti-establishment so she’s not afraid of telling the gunman like it is. She’ll equip herself with snide remarks about the gunman’s lack of female attention is due to deep seeded maternal issues, or, what she calls an “odysseus” complex. However, once she gets his attention she’ll quickly apologize before running away.
30. Subway
This corporate puppet has no clue how to act outside the bounds of his corpo-humanization handbook. He’ll be running around campus like a headless chicken, humming outdated Subway jingles and wondering out loud if Quiznos was behind this attack. Luckily for him, after the dust clears, Subway (the company) will likely settle out of court and pay him millions and millions of dollars.