20. Vicki Cooper
Much like Buddy Austin, Vicki blends into the background without anyone noticing. What separates her from Buddy is the silent rage that’s been festering since the first day of school. She’s just looking for a reason to release the beast inside her. She won’t make it very far, but it’ll be commendable for sure.
19. Bob Waite
Chief custodian of Greendale, Bob Waite, has the skills to wheel, deal, and clean like he’s Michael Clayton in a cheaper suit. So, it’s safe to assume he’s somebody you don’t want to mess with. However, cleaners clean. They don’t fight. He’ll try to intimidate the gunman with his intense stare and resonant voice but it’s no match for a semi-automatic rifle.
18. Frankie Dart
Frankie Dart is a no-nonsense school administrator that knows how to get shit done. She’s not the type to concoct a half-baked plan to bum-rush a gunman. Within 5 minutes of the first shot fired, Frankie would have already contacted the police, the local news, and composed a rallying speech to get Congress behind a bill to abolish the NRA.
17. Garrett Lambert
The high end of Garrett’s shrill voice has enough power to stun a wild animal. The gunman will be forced to cover his ears when Garrett screeches, “Oh, the humanity!” This will provide the perfect window to quickly disarm the gunman and pin him down.
16. Jeff Winger
Jeff is neither tough nor athletic enough to take down an armed gunman, but he’s brave enough to try. So, against his better judgment, he will attempt to convince the gunman of the error of his ways. He’ll monologue about the importance of self-love and self-care, pointing out that if he took the time to better himself then the world will open up to him, offering plenty of opportunities to gain female companionship. He’ll emphasize healthy, meaningful relationships, while reluctantly gazing upon the 6 lovable goofballs he calls friends. Unfortunately, his speech isn’t enough to change the gunman’s mind, and Jeff gets shot in his right shoulder.
15. Magnitude
We all know that Magnitude is a man of two words. His signature phrase “pop-pop” would act as the perfect warning system that’s destined to become more famous than he ever imagined, rivaled only by Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride. Word would travel amongst the campus at lightning speed. As a result, the Greendale campus would be deserted, leaving the gunman to roam the halls only to come up empty.
14. Jerry
Jerry fully commits to the selfless act of serving the utilities that real people use. There’s nothing more important to him than making a difference in this world. Jerry would use his janitorial expertise to hunt and capture the gunman. He’ll create wet floor hazards without a warning sign. He’ll knock over trash cans and use his wrench as a weapon. Sure, it won’t look cool, but he’s got a good chance of taking the bastard down.
13. Mike Chilada
Mike has proven that he’s not afraid to look down the barrel of a staple gun and take one to the head. Him and his little gang of misfits would probably storm the gunman like he’s a Magic The Gathering playing uber-nerd looking to get his lunch money stolen.
12. Dr. Marshall Kane
Before teaching at Greendale, Dr. Marshall Kane was serving 25 years to life in prison. He wouldn’t be one to shudder in the face of evil. If anything he would use his experience as a rehabilitated man to reach into the gunman’s soul and talk him out of it. Once successful, Dr. Kane will subdue him and make suggestive remarks about what to expect at San Vicente Correctional Facility.
11. Ben Chang
Señor Chang is the definition of a wild card. He has just the right amount of misplaced confidence and manic energy to storm the gunman without any plan or forethought. This would be sure to undermine any strategy the gunman has in place. If anything, Chang’s erratic approach will probably cause the gunman to knock himself out in some sort of Looney Tunes-style gambit.
10. Professor Michelle Slater
Professor Slater’s confidence and sexual prowess is sure to stop a virgin cold in his tracks. The gunman wouldn’t know what to do with himself in her presence. He’ll suddenly realize that he’s not even man enough to follow through with his plans. So, he’ll have no choice but to turn the gun on himself.
9. Annie Kim
Annie Kim is a tough teacher’s pet, selfish enough to hunt down the gunman if it means getting an A for her political science class. And if Professor Cligoris is unfortunate enough to find himself in the crosshairs of the gunman she’ll throw herself in front of the gunman, hoping she’ll survive and be lauded as a hero, furthering her mission to be the most beloved student in Greendale.
8. Annie Edison
When Annie Edison realizes that Annie Kim is attempting to stop the gunman for her own selfish gains, she chooses to do the same in order to undermine and steal Annie Kim’s glory. After Annie Kim’s sacrifice fails and Professor Cligoris gets shot, Annie’s hidden rage surfaces and she’s able to rip the lockers off the wall causing a chain reaction that buries the gunman beneath the metal heap.
7. Vice Dean Robert Laybourne
I don’t think there’s anyone scarier on Greendale’s campus than Vice Dean Robert Laybourne. He’s got a shadow organization of A/C repairmen just waiting for an opportunity to commit acts of violence. Before he even realizes it, the gunman will be beaten, blindfolded, and held in solitary confinement unable to adjust to the extreme ever-changing temperature fluctuations.
6. Shirley Bennett
Don’t underestimate Shirley Bennett. Sure, she’s a God-fearing Christian woman but aren’t those the ones you always need to keep an eye on? Shirley has proven that, with the power of God behind her, she can be fearless, intimidating, and powerful. I just know she’s got some hidden strength within her capable of taking down the most sinful of people.
5. Professor June Bauer
Professor Bauer is a badass that has enough weapons stockpiled in her classroom to create a small army. She and her students would flank the gunman and disarm him faster than you can sing “Africa” by Toto.
4. Abed Nadir
Abed’s brain is wired to compare his life with movies and television tropes. Since he has a Ph.D. in John Hughes-esque buffoonery, his computer brain will be able to calculate the perfect plan to trap the gunman while still managing to make a pithy observation on the ethics of using school shootings as a piece of entertainment regardless of the clear social commentary. The police will find the gunman tied up in a utility closet with a concussion, two third-degree burn marks on his hands, and broken lead (pencil) in his rear.
3. Todd Jacobson
Todd is one of the most sane, level-headed students that Greendale has to offer and he’s also a decorated Iraq war veteran. So, with his military training, there’s no question he would be able to effectively take down the gunman in quick decisive actions that leave little to no casualties.
2. Professor Buzz Hickey
There’s never been a teacher who looks more strapped than Professor Buzz Hickey. Look at that face and tell me he’s unarmed. I’m willing to bet he’s had a concealed carry license for over 25 years and could hit a target from 50 meters away. Professor Hickey would empty his clip right into the gunman before the gunman even realized what happened.
1. Annie’s Boobs
To me, no one is better suited to take down a gunman than Troy’s pet monkey, Annie’s Boobs. Tufted Capuchins have sharp teeth and when aggressive could probably bite your face clean off. Annie’s Boobs would spring from the nearest vent, jump on the gunman’s back and start going to town. The gunman’s blood-curdling screams would draw cheers from the crowd and also be a horrifying reminder of the serious risk of owning an exotic animal.