TERRE HAUTE, Ind. — Nearly all of the speakers at the service for deceased punk Jeremy Wiggins reported that he’d passed away still owing them various sums of money, sources report.
“Mom and Dad invited anyone who had something they wanted to share about Jeremy to come up and speak, and at first I was excited by how many people jumped up,” the deceased’s sister Megan Wiggins stated. “But, the more people spoke, I couldn’t help noticing that he was kind of owing money all over town. They all had a story about how he’d stiffed them or something. I’m not sure if we’re meant to pay them or if it’ll come out of his insurance policy, but I can guarantee you that I have jack shit to contribute myself.”
Attendees noted they were just hinting at a recurring pattern of behavior as opposed to seeking repayment.
“Jeremy’s brother gave like $13 after I mentioned he never repaid me the $200 for gas and shit when our band toured back in 2011,” noted Charlie “Shank” Shankins, a former bandmate of Wiggins. “I wasn’t angling to get the money back, but it was a nice gesture since that had been starting to become a source of contention between us. Given some of what was said today, if I didn’t know that he died trying to skitch on the interstate, I’d have assumed someone here might have offed him.”
Funeral director Bob Hooper was spotted attempting to track down one of Wiggins’ next of kin.
“I get that the family is grieving, and not that I don’t trust them, it’s just that in this case, I’d rather get the bill settled sooner rather than later,” Hooper sheepishly admitted. “Just because their son was a complete deadbeat doesn’t necessarily mean that they are as well, it’s just that I guess that behavior is learned. I’ve been trying to talk to someone from the family for the last hour, but every time I’ve spotted one of them, they seem to be surrounded by people trying to settle up some debt. I almost hate to say it, but I might need to go back to my mafia roots here and send someone to start breaking kneecaps to get paid.”
At press time, the service came to an abrupt end when collection agents arrived to repossess the casket.
Before we get to our lowest listed release, of which every piece ranking albums has to include at least one with or without a tie for the bottom, it must be said on record that Chris Carrabba is a badass for pulling a T-Swift by re-recording the majority of his albums and re-releasing them on another label. While this particular LP isn’t one of those, it still carries some weight, just not as much as the next lucky seven. Released as a joint venture with major label with some indie cred Fueled By Ramen Records, and poutine supplier Dine Alone Records, current home to the like-minded City & Colour and the non-like-minded Juvenile, “Crooked Shadows” is pop as hell, and catchy as heaven, just not as solid front-to-back as the other ones. Open your eyes, hearts, and wallets, put on boxing gloves, tune your violins, and catch yourself.
Dashboard Confessional is quite fluent in making ambitious/potentially maligned LPs, and returning to glorious form just one album later. Released just one year after their extremely polarizing/underrated and expensive album “Dusk and Summer,” “The Shade of Poison Trees” rocks as hard as acoustics can, and has the distinction of being DC’s most emo-tinged/tears-of-pain-angst-and-sadness LP title; Carrabba lights his own thick as thieves fires. Like all the band’s releases, this album is good, but would’ve been better with two less songs.
“All the Truth That I Can Tell,” the most recent LP from Dashboard Confessional, is so hot off the presses that it still doesn’t have its own Wikipedia page, despite the fact that it was released last year, and it’s also the second of two “return-to-form” “back to basics” DC studio albums. The band normally puts the “heart” in “heartfelt,” and truly earns that description, as is it Carrabba’s first album after his almost-fatal motorcycle accident left him more than wounded and forced him to relearn how to play the guitar (and how to kickflip), which was extra heartbreaking to hear about as it was a major staple for most of his life. Happily things improved for all things Carrabba, as three chords and more cleared his pain, and thus this album justifiably put the “ABBA” at the end of his name via its strong songs. Overall, this album is DC’s best from 2010-on.
“Dusk and Summer” is likely the first studio album from the entity known as Dashboard Confessional to be polarizing amongst the band’s rabid fanbase. Yes, everything after the debut LP “The Swiss Army Romance” sucks a chunk of butt, and the band slowly decayed as a result of their next seven LPs; actually, no, that is not true, and you are a stupidhead if your opinion showcases such. Anyway, produced for the majority by Don Gilmore who sat behind the boards for Linkin Park and Trust Company, and with additional production by Daniel Lanois who also handled bands like U2 and Luscious Jackson, “Dusk and Summer” sounds like it had a Nobu budget in the best way to us and the worst way to you. Whatever, the secret’s in the telling. Also, Peter Parker would’ve been a much bigger bitch if “Vindicated” never came out, so you’re welcome, Tobey Maguire.
This ranking may provide both a mark and a scar, but hands down, it’s our brand to provide honest honesty, which includes truth in the face of adversity. “A Mark, a Mission, a Brand, a Scar” is the band’s second most dreaded genre description album title of which fans of Rites of Spring will critique the utilization of the three-letter-word that looks slightly like an animal ending with the letter you “u” that not-so-kindly goes before the word “tion.” While the previous release is the first to highlight a backing band, this is the one wherein the three other non-Carrabba band mates appear for the first time/shine so beautifully, early morning 3 a.m. Rob Thomas-endorsed calls from them wouldn’t offend anyone with standards.
Hot take: This is the last DC album listed to have a “skip it” component. Hotter take: “Alter the Ending” is the most slept-on LP in Dashboard’s catalog, and we’re letting you know that from the beginning of this section like responsible adults. Also, “Get Me Right,” our favorite song from this studio album, is the band’s best opening track even now! “Alter the ending” is DC’s last major album until “Crooked Shadows,” and sounds like such in the best way, as its production may also be the best in the band’s catalog. Many will try to flip flop the ranking of this album with the previous one above, or besmirch this entire piece altogether, but we know we’re right, especially about this LP, and hopefully it’s bridges under the water moving forward.
Don’t cut us with any form of a boxcutter, swiss army knife, or the like, but especially not a butcher/cleaver knife, or anything that was ever held by Aussie legend, Crocodile Dundee: Dashboard Confessional’s debut “The Swiss Army Romance” is pure nostaligia hooked directly into your veins. This LP literally started it all, and was released via Fiddler Records in early 2000, also originally home to both Recover and The Higher, and then sold to aughts pop-punk godfather Drive-Thru Records, originally home to both New Found Glory, who made a split cover EP with DC called “Swiss Army Bro-Mance,” and hellogoodbye, who combined two words of a Beatles hit into one magical band name sans shirts and gloves.
This perfect LP is a grower, not a shower: Dashboard Confessional’s sophomore studio album “The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most” debuted at number one-hundred-and-eight on the Billboard 200, and eventually, in a more than well deserved manner, was certified Gold in the United States. Also, as a cool footnote, MTV2 had its own award at the MTV VMAs called, wait for it, the MTV2 Award, and Dashboard won such in 2002 for their “Screaming Infidelities” music video, and said category only had six years of winners which included the mellower than DC acoustic seventeen-piece Mudvayne and the Motown singers with a heart of gold known as Yellowcard. Carrabba was more than noticed globally for these ten-tracks, and to wrap this sentence up without hyperbole, the scene world was never the same since. For better or worse?
Technically Charlie is an honorary serial killer since we have no proof he actually killed anyone, but come on, he’s Manson, he’s in the conversation. He ranks last because frankly of all the deplorable people on this list, he’s your best shot at having a good time. He wouldn’t follow the rules of Monopoly or any rules for that matter, but he’s entertaining, he has acid and you might even get a Brian Wilson story or two.
He’s one of the worst of the worst people to ever live for sure, but he’s also an entertainer. He could probably be halfway pleasant through an evening of Monopoly if he were so inclined, just throw him some KFC and he should behave,
Creepy, opinionated, and responsible for the deaths of anywhere from 10-130 people, Rodney’s a bad guy, but we have actually seen him play a game before, and although he was so weird off camera the contestant refused to go through with the date, he was charming enough to win.
There’s just enough spooky horse girl in us to think meeting Elizabeth Bathory would be pretty cool.
Kemper’s crimes are insanely gruesome, culminating in the murder, decapitation, and corpse humiliation of his own mother, but at least he’s honest. He called the police to confess his crimes, and when they didn’t believe him he called them back to say “No, seriously, come arrest me.” He would probably make the best banker out of anyone on the list.
We have no idea who Jack The Ripper was so honestly there’s no telling how annoying he would be at Monopoly, but you could probably write a cool song about it.
Cons: After a schizophrenic episode he murdered a bunch of people at the behest of his dog, whom he believed to be the avatar of an ancient god.
There are so few female American serial killers that it feels messed up to call the most prolific one “annoying.”
Between ‘90s nostalgia and the fact that he’s a total hunk, we wouldn’t say no to a game of Monopoly with Dahmer.
Another handsome charmer, as long as you don’t follow him passed GO to a second location you should be okay playing Monopoly with The Casanova Killer. Keep in mind he did go out wrestling a cop for his gun, so you might wanna just let him win.
Okay, we’re just gonna say it, this guy is interesting! Born in Australia he committed murders in four different countries in the ‘60s and ‘70s. He got busted for one in Austria in ‘74 and went to prison, where he started a writing career. The Austrian literary elite loved his writing so much that they petitioned to have him released, and it worked! He went on to become a playwright for a while before getting bored and going back to murdering. Anyway, he must have a million stories, and game night seems like a perfect chance to hear some.
If you’ve read any of his writing, you know that a board game night with Carl Panzram wouldn’t be all that different from a board game night with any given grindcore frontman. That still sounds annoying, but not without a certain kitsch appeal.
She killed a bunch of babies as a hospital nurse, so if she pulls that “Pay Hospital Bill” card with the Monopoly guy holding twin newborns shit could hit the fan fast.
Forget the fact that he killed 13 women in 2 years, the fact that he’s from Boston is all you need to know to be sure Albert Desalvo would be annoying to play Monopoly with or even be around.
He committed a series of brutal rapes and murders while managing a shell organization dedicated to fighting child abuse. Anyone capable of that level of cognitive dissonance is for sure going to try cheating at a child’s board game.
It can be highly irritating to play a kid’s game with an educated professional. They often can’t accept the fact that their perceived intellectual superiority doesn’t equate to winning, and can lash out. They aren’t all like that of course, but this one killed 250 people, so he’s probably like that.
A failed cop who targeted New York sex workers in the ‘50s and is still alive. Can’t wait to hear his politics on game night.
An aspiring music producer and alleged child mass murderer. We could tolerate a game night with one or the other but not both.
He would have zero interest in the game and would try to segue the whole evening into a crafts night. He won’t be dissuaded when you tell him you don’t have any craft materials on hand either… you ARE the craft materials!
Little’s got the most confirmed kills out of any serial killer in U.S. history, so you know he’s a big competition freak.
Ottis may or may not be a serial killer. He was the accomplice of Henry Lee Lucas and corroborated a lot of his confessions, many of which were proven to be lies. It’s never fun playing a board game with a liar, but he’s a good friend, and that has to count for something.
Despite being punch drunk from their round in the major label ring, the band’s sophomore outing still delivers a few good swings in the peppy lead single “Hyperspace,” the moody “Bacardi” and the 6/8 time dirge of “Firecracker.” Overall though, “The Proximity Effect” comes off as a bit uneven and overlong. Supposedly Elektra Records was so unhappy with this one that they didn’t even release it in the States, which is some serious schoolyard bully shit. Maybe (absolutely) Ian MacKaye had a point all along.
This is the one with the song everybody knows. More than aptly produced by the legendary Ric Ocasek, the band’s debut LP boasts some great performances, particularly from the rock solid rhythm section of bassist Daniel Lorca and drummer Ira Elliot. The “low” in “High/Low” comes in the form of vocalist Matthew Caws’ often childish and obtuse lyrics. “I can see, the things she does for me. I’m living in a treehouse.” Huh?
This can technically be considered a studio album in that it was indeed recorded in a studio, but the songs are all covers, so we’ll only mention it honorably. The band made it a point here to perform every track in a very Nada Surf style, to varying results. Something gets lost in the sauce with their flat arrangements of Depeche Mode’s “Enjoy the Silence” and the Moody Blues’ “Question,” but they land a bullseye with an excellent take on “Love and Anger” by Kate Bush. Maybe wedding band isn’t in the cards as a retirement plan for these guys, but that’s okay, we have Me First and the Gimme Gimmes for that.
Nada Surf is the type of band that you wouldn’t blame for mellowing out with age, but maybe they went a little TOO mellow with their 2020 outing. It’s cool though, because this dropped literally a month before Covid hit, and we needed a little something to take the edge off our “Tiger King” binge. Caws even gives us a fun nod to “Popular” on the bridge of “Something I Should Do” with a stream-of-consciousness spoken word rant about… farms and social media?
Around this time, the band decided to level up their street cred and invite Guided By Voices guitarist Doug Gillard into the fold as the fourth wheel, and the results are every bit as awesome as you’d expect. Selections such as the driving title track and “New Bird” feature a nice extra bite in the guitar section, while “Out of the Dark” and “Victory’s Yours” provide all those warm, fuzzy, flannel sheets on the first morning of fall feels that you’ve come to rely on this band for.
The band’s first release with Gillard on second guitar and the fuzz gets cranked up to 11 on selections like the “Clear Eye, Clouded Mind” and “Looking Through,” evoking the youthful energy of “High/Low” while “When I Was Young” and “Teenage Dreams” balance it all out through a wizened middle age gaze. This is the record you might be able to sneak on when you’re with your punk friends and not get beat up for it.
In a perfect world where all is good and just, Nada Surf would be best remembered for “Always Love,” the impossibly perfect lead single that earned the band a much-deserved second wind of popularity in the mid-aughts. But much like those pictures of you in your Marilyn Manson phase, the sins of the ‘90s can never be fully washed clean. Anyway, the rest of this album is damn near perfect too, except for “Blankest Year,” a strange anemic hoe-down in which Caws unconvincingly proclaims “ahh fuck it, I’m gonna have a party.” It’s almost like hearing a priest drop an F-bomb in his sermon. It feels a little uncouth and embarrassing.
It’s no surprise that the band often leans heavily on this record in their live sets. These 11 tracks were written for the sold-out rooms and festival main stages they rightfully earned. The chords are big and sparkly and the hooks are sharp on standout tracks like “Beautiful Beat” and the post-emo crowd favorite “Weightless.” This album should be issued to every burgeoning indie band as an example of how to be radio-friendly without coming off as totally cringe.
Synopsis: A history-loving influencer (Emma Stone) stumbles upon a series of love letters from the past and becomes obsessed with finding their author (Matthew McConaughey) in a TikTok-worthy time-travel adventure that will have you at the edge of your 18-45 year-old demographic seat, celebrating diversity.
Synopsis: A bunch of bumbling ghost hunters (Seth Rogen, Kristen Wiig, Jonah Hill) accidentally unleash a gaggle of mischievous spirits in a haunted mansion, creating hilarious Snapchat-worthy chaos, all while exploring the cerebral and moody side of the supernatural and promoting diversity.
Synopsis: A world-famous shrink (Meryl Streep) gets caught in a web of deception when her patient (Cate Blanchett) confesses to a murder that may or may not have happened. Is it all just a viral TikTok prank gone wrong, with a little something for Daddy’s fascination with the multiverse and a nod to diversity?
Synopsis: A charismatic space pirate (Chris Hemsworth) recruits a diverse crew (Zendaya, John Boyega, and Zoe Saldana) for an epic heist in the galactic underworld, all while flexing their interstellar swagger, plus a little something for the boys who love action-packed adventures and laser karate, and a commitment to diversity.
Synopsis: Melody (voiced by Ansel Elgort), a young musician, stumbles upon a magical music box that brings his compositions to life. However, he must decide between fame and the enchanting world he’s discovered within the music box, leading to a heartwarming journey of self-discovery and the power of music. Zoomers, experience a musical adventure that will resonate with your generation and become part of the financially lucrative fandom of Pixar’s enchanting tales!
Synopsis: A lone survivor (Tom Hanks) must navigate a post-apocalyptic wasteland, seeking fellow Zoomers and the ultimate viral comeback in a world gone viral (in a different sense), exploring themes of isolation and a lack of sexuality, all while promoting diversity.
Synopsis: Two rival undercover agents (Ryan Reynolds, Charlize Theron) must join forces to stop an international terrorist threat, complete with TikTok disguises, SnapMap espionage, and Instagram-worthy showdowns, all while keeping you at the edge of your 18-45-year-old demographic seat and celebrating diversity, daddy.
Synopsis: Middle-aged Charlotte (Scarlett Johansson) and Bob (Bill Murray) reunite in Tokyo for an Insta-worthy journey to reconnect and reflect on life’s #Adulting struggles, with a little something for daddy’s nostalgia and cerebral reflection, and a commitment to diversity.
Synopsis: A young Zoomer (Emma Watson) discovers her magical heritage and embarks on an Insta-fabulous quest with a wise wizard (Ian McKellen) to reclaim her kingdom and become a true #Queen, delving into themes of destiny and the multiverse, all while celebrating diversity.
Synopsis: A retired cop (Liam Neeson) takes law and justice into his own hands when his daughter (Emily Blunt) gets caught in a real-life drama filled with Reddit-worthy twists, with a little something for the boys who love vigilante action and suspense, and a commitment to diversity.
Synopsis: A genius physicist (Natalie Portman) communicates with her future self (Rachel McAdams) in a trippy TikTok trend, leading to mind-blowing, time-bending consequences, all while exploring the cerebral and moody side of time travel, with a commitment to diversity.
Synopsis: A hardcore detective (Idris Elba) investigates bizarre murders in a dystopian city, exposing conspiracy theories that will leave Zoomers with goosebumps and cryptic emoji messages, and a little something for the boys who love mystery and suspense, and a commitment to diversity.
Synopsis: A hashtag-trending father (Brad Pitt) and son (Timothée Chalamet) bond through their shared love for art, mending old wounds and inspiring a new generation of #FamilyGoals, all while exploring the cerebral and moody side of family dynamics, and promoting diversity.
Synopsis: A young explorer (Lily James) stumbles upon a hidden island with magical creatures and falls in love with a merman (Harry Styles) in an enchanting Insta-story romance, complete with laser karate, and a celebration of diversity.
Synopsis: A trendy librarian (Cate Blanchett) uncovers a mysterious journal that lets her witness historical events IRL, leading to an epic YouTube-worthy quest for answers, all while exploring the cerebral and moody side of time travel, and promoting diversity.