20. José Antonio Rodríguez Vega
Dude was so pissed that his mom kicked him out of the house he murdered 17 elderly women, so we’re guessing it’s all he would talk about all night. “Yeah, she sounds like a real bitch man, so you wanna buy the railroad or not?”
19. Pedro López
He’s one of the most prolific serial killers in history, literally holding the Guinness World Record until they retracted the award for being in poor taste. Despite this, he was released in 1994 for “good behavior.” Was he truly reformed? Of course not. He went right back to killing and is possibly still active to this day. It’s hard to enjoy a friendly game of Monopoly with a living reminder of the legal system’s failures.
18. Joseph James DeAngelo, The Night Stalker
Later renamed “The Original Night Stalker” to differentiate him from Richard Ramirez, who took on the Night Stalker mantel years later. We’re guessing he has a big chip on his shoulder about it too. He would probably spend the night bogarting the dice and ranting about how killers today don’t respect anything.
17. Dean Corll
AKA The Pied Piper, AKA The Candy Man, Dean made a serial killer career out of being the “too old to be there” guy at the party. There you are trying to play a damned game and there he is with the “Hey you guys wanna just come hang at my place? I’ve got beer!” all night.
16. Belle Gunness, Hell’s Belle
She was sort of like a Craigslist killer before Craigslist, using personal ads in the newspaper to lure her mostly male victims. She would only be playing with you in the first place as part of an elaborate hoax to burn your house down and fake her own death.
15. Pedro Rodrigues Filho, The Brazilian Dexter
Pedro got his nickname because he exclusively targeted other criminals and gang members. His constant macabre inner monologuing would get tedious after a while, and he would really fall off after season 4.
14. Herbert Mullin
Herbert believed that the 13 murders he committed in the ‘70s prevented earthquakes. Playing a game with a dude like that sounds like a nightmare. He would spend the whole game making up weird rules like “No hotels on green properties because they cause wildfires in the Amazon.”
13. Fred West
With his wife as an accomplice, you get the same “swinger board game couple with a dark twist” energy as Moors Murderers, but the Wests rank as more annoying because Jesus, look at that face.
12. Andrei Chikatilo, The Butcher Of Rostov
His crimes were so deplorable that a cage needed to be built in the courtroom to prevent family members of his victims from attacking him. You’re looking to play a game, not remodel your living room to make serial killers feel safer.
11. Luis Garavito, The Beast
He’s actually the most prolific serial killer of all time, but at the time of his capture Guinness had decided to stop tracking killers on moral grounds. After a snub like that he’s not going to take it well when he’s told “Do not pass go, do not collect $200.”
10. H. H. Holmes
If you’re playing Mouse Trap with a serial killer this is the guy you want, but H.H Holmes has a pretty shady history with real estate. You would hand him a hotel and he would fire you, demanding someone else finish handing him the hotel so no one knows what he’s up to in there.
9. Ted Bundy
Ted thinks he’s charming enough to get away with murder simply because he is and did for many years. He’s not used to hearing the word “no” and he’s damned sure not used to paying a $75 luxury tax.
8. Richard Ramirez, The Night Stalker
In today’s culture it’s easy to forget that not all Satan worshippers love board games. Ramirez is way too much of an anarcho-nihilist to follow rules of any kind. He would just say “This is stupid” and start breaking into your neighbor’s houses and killing them till he got caught out of boredom.
7. Gary Ridgway, The Green River Killer
Anyone who’s had sex with that many dead bodies has no problem dragging a boring game of Monopoly all the way out till sunrise.
6. Charles Ng
You know you’re annoying when you’re a serial killer, rapist, and sadist and people who have encountered you still bother to describe you as “annoying.”
5. Albert Fish, The Brooklyn Vampire
Not to be confused with Eddie Murphy, a delightful Monopoly player by all accounts, Albert Fish is one of the most depraved human beings to ever walk the Earth. He would either try to eat you or beg you to insert the top hat into his urethra. Either way, pretty annoying game night.
4. The Zodiac Killer
Get ready for the most tedious game of Monopoly you’ve ever played. The Zodiac never gives a straight answer. Every turn, instead of just telling you what he wants to do, he would send a complicated cipher to the San Francisco Herald. Even if you decode it you still have his spelling errors to contend with. A “hoteb?” You wanna buy a “hoteb” Ted? Oh, plus he’s Ted Cruz. Gross.
3. Donald Henry “Pee Wee” Gaskins
A notorious liar, Gaskins has claimed to kill 110 people but only 15 have been confirmed and a large number of the remainder has been discredited. He’s a clout chaser, and you would have to keep your eye on the till the whole night.
2. Henry Lee Lucas
A matricidal murderer, a rapist, and a total poser to boot. They call him the “Confession Killer” because after he was caught he confessed to over 600 unsolved murders in exchange for some McDonalds. Further review showed it to be more like five. The police wagged their finger at him after that one, but of course, kept all the cases he copped to closed because who needs all that work? A game of Monopoly with Lucas would take forever because he would lie about which properties he owned on every damned turn.
1. Dennis Rader, The BTK Killer
We would rather be Bound Tortured and Killed than play any game with this dude. He sent letters to newspapers and law enforcement bragging about his crimes, but never got caught. He could have gotten away with everything but he just couldn’t stand not bragging anymore, so after a hiatus of over 10 years he started writing letters again and got busted. Needless to say, if you land on his Baltic Avenue you’ll never hear the end of it.