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Punk’s Deathbed Technically a Futon

DURHAM, N.C. — Allegedly ill punk Tommy Donnelly has taken to his deathbed, which is also his roommate’s used futon, with only enough strength to occasionally go to the fridge and grab a beer, dubious ambulatory sources confirmed.

“Obviously, I knew I would die someday, but before this moment it didn’t feel real. Death comes for us all, I suppose,” explained the ailing Donnnelly while casually scrolling through his phone. “This thrift store IKEA futon I guess is as good a place as any to pass on. Could use an extra pillow or whatever, but I don’t wanna be a bother. Still, if I have to go out, I’m lucky to be surrounded by my loved ones, as well as my Adderall dealer, and my roommate’s boyfriend, Glen. Who won’t even loan me 60 bucks, he’s such a chode.”

Donnelly’s roommate, Aleeza Ramos, was suspicious of his affliction.

“I don’t even think he’s actually dying. I think he’s just got food poisoning from eating that recalled Banquet frozen turkey dinner even after I told him not to. Now he’s pretending he’s dying so I don’t kick his ass for shitting himself all over my futon,” said Ramos. “He also keeps trying to bequeath his vintage ‘Food Fighters’ toys to me but he’s intentionally pronouncing it ‘be-queef’ while snickering to himself. Pretty sure actual dying people don’t joke about pussy farts.”

Local thrift story purveyor Jonathan “Shifty” Browning explained how death goes hand-in-hand with second hand futons.

“Oh yeah, well I’d say that the majority of furniture we sell has had someone die on it,” said Browning. “Or at the very least, a corpse had been placed on it at some point. If you’ve ever passed out on punk house porch couch, rest assured that shit is haunted and likely covered in stains spanning the full spectrum of human bodily fluids. Is it gross? Definitely. But does that make it an integral part of our city’s punk scene history? Not really. I mean, sure, if that makes you feel better. I dunno.”

At press time, Donnelly has spent the last hour periodically announcing “here comes another death rattle” before lifting his leg and farting.