Established in 1973, CBGB was the legendary club that fostered the birth and growth of New York punk and hardcore. The “Country, Bluegrass, and Blues” bar never addressed the irony. Nevertheless, this club remained an essential fixture in NYC music of all genres until its closure in 2006. The most important aspect of this, of course, is that the NBC sitcom “Seinfeld” occurred in the same timeframe and location as CBGB.
At the Hard Times, we like to imagine a world where everything is punk rock. Punk rock news. Punk rock schools. Why not Punk Rock Seinfeld?!
We’re sure that at some point, the fictional characters from the Seinfeld universe stumbled into CBGB. We’re here to imagine how that experience may have gone and ranked these 50 Seinfeld characters by how likely they would have been to be banned from the historic venue.
50. Estelle Costanza
George’s mom strikes fear into all with her ear-piercing shriek. Even though she’d absolutely do something that would warrant a ban, she’s at the bottom of this list because no one would dare to confront her.
49. Larry
Larry owns Monk’s Cafe (formerly Tom’s). He typically pops up when the gang is getting unruly. He’s basically a diner bouncer. He clearly understands the dos and don’ts of how to act in an establishment and is therefore unlikely to catch a ban.
48. J. Peterman
This globetrotting manic-pixie-dream-yuppie would be so taken with the rustic surroundings and fiery passion of the legendary punk space, he’d be more likely to feature its aesthetic in a catalog than cause any problems. Besides, he’s the guy who brought the opium.
47. Poppie
Every character in “Seinfeld” has a fatal flaw. All Poppie did was not wash his hands after using the bathroom and he peed on his friend’s couch. If peeing on your buddy’s couch was enough to get you blacklisted, the punk scene would cease to exist. Besides, I don’t think the CBGB bathroom sinks have worked since the ’80s. Poppie gets a pass.
46. Cousin Jeffrey
While we never see Cousin Jeffrey, we sure hear about him. Jerry’s familial nemesis is a specter looming over Jerry’s fragile sense of self for the entire series. Not only would Cousin Jeffrey be welcome in the hallowed halls of CBGB, we bet he’d be managing the bar within weeks. Fucking Jeffrey.
45. Bob Sacamano
Another character we don’t ever see in person, Kramer’s deus ex machina “Bob Sacamano” has his hands in many pots. He was probably an angel investor in CBGB during the rocky ’90s. Sacamano is welcome anytime.
44. Kel Varnsen
Kel Varnsen, Jerry’s alter ego, is Jerry on his best behavior. Jerry basically needs to dissociate in order to act polite. Kel wouldn’t dare upset the social norms in an unfamiliar environment. However, there’s a small chance he’d catch a ban from associating with his friend Art Vandelay.
43. Tim Whatley
Jerry’s dentist and the second funniest joke writer in the Seinfeld universe (#1 being Kenny Bania, of course) is a pretty chill guy, but he does get way too into things. We could see him showing up in a pristine battle vest and a seven-colored tri-hawk. That poser would get tossed before he can say, “Good Riddance… is the real name of that Green Day song. See? I did my research!”
42. Mr. Lippman
A stuffed shirt like Elaine’s boss Mr. Lippman wouldn’t exactly fit in with punks. However, he’d get one whiff of what was happening in that venue and he’d leave before anything bad happened. What he’d get a “whiff” of, for the record, is crust punks.
41. Morty Seinfeld
Pending a misplaced wallet on the bar, Jerry’s dad is unlikely to get the hook from this historic venue. Morty is street-smart. Little known fact, Morty Seinfeld is responsible for the first battle vest after selling an undersized leather raincoat to Joey Ramone in 1974.
40. Dolores
Dolores has a temper, but only when righteously offended so it might depend on the politics of the band on stage. On the other hand, she had the maturity to leave Jerry after some of his trademark foolishness so she’d be just as likely to leave a heated situation than risk a ban.
39. The Maestro
On a typical night, Bob Cobb is a polite bar patron with pristine show etiquette. However, if his band is playing, then The Maestro comes out. He’ll demand everyone get the fuck up front and even jump in the crowd to pull people towards the stage. Depending on the vibe, this behavior may be encouraged. But on the wrong night, The Maestro could receive a perma-ban from these hallowed, stickered halls.
38. H.E. Pennypacker
Kramer’s snobby alter-ego would do his best to maintain class at all times, especially in such a brutish environment. However, he’s still Kramer so some combination of falling, flailing, or blurting something out may end in his removal from the club.
37. Marla Penny
This virgin is anything but timid when it comes to letting people know how she feels. Plus, she sure held her grudge against Jerry for the entire series. This is not a sign of someone who can let shit go. In the wrong circumstances, the virgin is getting two giant Xs on her hands and shown the door.
36. Babu Bhatt
Now this man has a temper but, once again, it’s primarily triggered by the fallout from interacting with the Seinfeld gang. Maybe there’s a pattern here. Either way, assuming Babu came to the club to see a band he liked, he’d be fine. But if he wound up there at the behest of Jerry in hopes of marketing his restaurant as “Authentic Punk-istani Cuisine,” he might see some “very bad men” around him and start crowdkilling.
35. Helen Seinfeld
This one’s simple. Is someone giving her perfect son a hard time? No? Then Mrs. S. is cool. If so? Then shit is going down.
34. Elaine Benes
Sure, when Elaine showed up to CBGB for a date with a band member, or the sound guy, or someone else with some clout in the room, she intended to have a romantic, thrilling New York night. But he’d eventually say something that offended her politics or triggered her general disgust of people, and then the whole room would hear about it. Whether or not she’s in the right will be overshadowed by her vigor and will likely end in a ban.
33. Keith Hernandez
At some point in the early 2000s, smoking was banned from bars in the city. Mr. Game 6’s chainsmoking habit would quickly wear out its welcome in Bloomberg’s New York City. Sorry, Keith. You’re out.
32. Ruthie Cohen
As the cashier at Monk’s diner, Ruthie has dealt with some shit. Mostly from George. She’d maintain her composure until a riff got too brutal and she let out all her repressed rage on some poor unsuspecting motherfuckers in the pit. This may lead to a ban, once again depending on which band happened to be playing at the moment.
31. Jackie Chiles
First off, Jackie would love this club. The whole place is an ambulance chaser’s dream. Hell, so are most punk bars. Jackie would get too excited and jump at the first opportunity to file a suit and he’d be shown the door for his troubles.
30. Ping
Ping would slip in the mosh pit and become the unwitting accomplice of Jackie Chiles’ attempted scam and receive a ban by association.