20. Dr. Martin van Nostrand
Kramer’s other alter ego is a doctor. He typically adapts this persona while helping out a friend. So in this case, Elaine was dating a guy in a band and she came to see him play. While she wants to show her full support, Elaine doesn’t like to stand near the mosh pit. She doesn’t want her boyfriend to think she’s a poser, so she enlists Kramer to pretend to be a doctor and tell her boyfriend that she has a rare condition that requires her to stand in the back at the bar the whole time. She also wants him to slip in something about how she’s allergic to merch tables. Anyway, Kramer would get way too into the role and start lecturing the room on crowd safety, causing an uproar and his immediate lifelong ban.
19. Manya
Manya is a wildcard. She grew up riding ponies and will fuck your shit up if you have a problem with that. This woman literally died angry over a few minor irritations at a dinner party. She does not give a fuck about your scene.
18. Mickey Abbott
Mickey is Kramer’s actor friend. He’d come up with a scheme for Kramer to fake an injury in the pit and threaten to sue unless they gave him stage time. Kramer would mess it up, of course, and they’d find themselves wrestling on the floor of the mosh pit, while security waited for them to tire themselves out before showing them the exit.
17. Frank Costanza
This man expresses judgmental disappointment better than anyone. While the band plays, he’d be the guy talking loudly in your ear about better shows he’s been to. He’d lecture anyone within earshot about proper show etiquette. He’d ask for the bar manager so he could give them a list of things to improve. And if the Talking Heads were playing that night, he’d tell David Byrne to put on a suit that fits and get a real job.
16. Newman
Crafty but ill-tempered, Newman would be chill for most of the show, until whatever scheme that brought him there began to unravel. Perhaps it was an attempt to sell bootleg liquor out of the bathroom. Maybe he showed up just to bother Jerry. Either way, Newman gets the boot.
15. George Costanza
Once in a blue moon, George branches out and puts himself out there. But good ol’ Georgie boy would start lying about his politics to fit in, get called out on it, have a public meltdown, and receive a lifetime ban. It’s a real shame he’d get kicked out of a place where even the bald guys have their own clique.
14. Kenny Bania
Bania’s a fucking hack. Throw his ass out.
13. Cosmo Kramer
Kramer is unique in that he’s the most likely Seinfeld character to actually hang at a dive bar punk show. He’s basically a crust punk who’s never heard of punk. Just look at how much he got into the “punk music” on the radio when he was driving to California. Anyway, he’d fit in great and get invited to stand on the side of the stage. Unfortunately, he’d get too excited and lose his balance, tripping over a guitar chord and falling backward over an amp and into the crowd. At first, it would seem like this was just a stage dive until the band stopped playing and everyone realized that Kramer seriously injured the singer and now he can’t perform. Kramer would catch a ban but his antics would land him the frontman spot in the band he just ruined, launching a massively successful music career.
12. The Mandelbaums
Every scene has a group of Mandelbaums. Sometimes they’re related by blood. Sometimes they’re related by co-defendant status. Either way, they’re a group of self-proclaimed tough guys who “fucking rule this scene.” Some scenes don’t self-police, but Ray Beez would have taken care of these rowdy fellas real quick.
11. The Bubble Boy
Clearly the Bubble Boy takes no shit. He resorts to violence in response to any disagreement, no matter how trivial. Regardless, before anything could happen, he’d accidentally pop himself on the way to the bar and have to leave anyway.
10. Cedric and Bob
Cedric and Bob were actually bouncers at the club from 1989-1992. However, they were asked to leave the venue indefinitely after it was discovered they were using the historic venue as a front for black market armoire dealing.
9. Lloyd Braun
While Lloyd Braun may have found a mental health plan that works for his needs (and good for him!), he had some wild times in the mid-80s. He actually holds the record for most lifetime bans from the club. However, he always found a way to sneak back in. Eventually, he was welcomed back to the venue after becoming a leading voice in the “Serenity Now” movement of the early 90s.
8. Joe Davola
The master of the spin kick himself, “Crazy” Joe Devola would eventually cause massive damage in the pit. He’d get away from facing charges, but he could never return to the scene of the crime.
7. Dr. Reston
Elaine and Joe Davola’s therapist would only find himself in a place like this if Elaine invited him. Wait, why would a patient invite their therapist to a punk bar? Maybe because they were dating at the time. Yeah, this dickhead is a creep who dates his patients. He’s like the ultra-vocal guy in every scene wearing a “this is what an ally looks like” t-shirt who ends up being a ticking timebomb of allegations.
6. Ricky
Ricky was Elaine’s stalker. He’d roll up to the bar near close every night until he creeped out literally everyone. He wouldn’t put up a fight but he’d definitely make some weird art project to express his feelings about it, which might get him booked to perform at CBGB.
5. Russell Dalrymple
Of all the upper-crusties on this list, former NBC president Russell Dalrymple is the most outspoken and self-righteous. He’d get dragged out literally kicking and screaming, likely while listing his accomplishments and voicing his potential.
4. Art Vandelay
George’s alter ego, “Art Vandelay,” is his ideal self. He’s confident, self-assured, and able to talk his way out of any situation. Theoretically, that is. In practice, Art Vandelay makes every situation worse, digging George Costanza deeper and deeper into a hole with his lies. Art would try to impress anyone who works at the venue, hoping to establish a reputation. He’d approach a bartender, insisting he could import better beer at cheaper prices. To his surprise, she takes him up on his offer. Then he has to create a made-up beer company and fake invoices. After teaming with Kramer, Art finds himself committing several international crimes just to keep up his ruse. Upon returning to the venue to confess his true identity, he finds the entire bar staff has turned over and no one knows what he’s talking about, leaving him looking foolish in front of the very establishment he wanted to impress.
3. David Puddy
We all know that couple who fights with each other in public. Well, Puddy and Elaine would get into it at every single show until Puddy gets inevitably banned for stomping out a bystander who accidentally spilled his drink on Puddy’s 8-ball jacket. Will Puddy receive a lifetime ban? All signs point to yes.
2. Mike Moffit
For those who don’t remember his name, Mike Moffit was the guy who called Jerry a “phony” behind his back when, in reality, it was he who was the phony after all! Well, “phony” is just a stone’s throw away from “poser” and, needless to say, they aren’t welcome here. Go front-end park your ass in front of Radio City Music Hall, we hear Imagine Dragons is playing tonight.
1. Susan Ross
Everything went wrong for Susan Ross the moment the Seinfeld gang entered her life. She got thrown up on, fired from her job, lost her family’s cabin, and eventually, died. All directly due to the selfish antics of America’s favorite funny foursome. She’d never do anything to warrant a ban, but she’d get one anyway. See, after agreeing to go to a show with George and company, Susan generously purchased the tickets for the group. But when she got them at will call, the gang was nowhere to be found. Instead, they had already snuck into the show. By the time Susan gave up waiting and entered the venue, Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer were getting kicked out for not having tickets. George sees Susan and tells security that she has their tickets. However, this only gets Susan lumped in with them and kicked out too. While leaving the venue, George suggests Susan hail a cab since it’s raining. In a tragic accident no one could have predicted, the rain causes a driver to skid out of control, striking Susan dead in front of the venue. After a brief funeral, George returns to CBGB to see if he can get any discounts on future shows due to the tragedy.