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Climate Scientists Warn Blue Album Could Be Completely Red by 2035

LAFAYETTE, Ind. — Leading climate analysts at Purdue University are warning that global warming could cause Weezer’s Blue Album to be entirely red by 2035, sources confirmed amid debating their favorite tracks off the record.

“Well, just as we all feared, the increase of the Earth’s temperatures will one day cause mass reddening, the hottest of all the colors, of the cool blues and greens of the world. Unfortunately, this will affect the seminal Weezer album, which we surmise could be a deep crimson by as early as 2035,” said Purdue’s Dr. Milners Chase. “And, by that metric, even a few years after that, the boys’ clothes will be transformed to cut-offs and crop tops too, to deal with the extreme heat of the surrounding ‘hot redness.’ After that, well, it’s just gonna be four grinning skeletons on there unless we act quick.”

Weezer members are decidedly unenthused about the alarming news.

“I have so many questions, but I fear the answers. What will this mean for my precious songs, y’know? Will the waves in ‘Surf Wax America’ now be too high, and lead to dangerous monsoons and hurricanes?” fretted frontman Rivers Cuomo, whose glasses were already fogging up from the unseasonable humidity. “And what will this mean for 2008’s The Red Album, shouldn’t the fans of that one be notified just how red that one’s going to get? Just kidding, I know no one cares about that album.”

Outspoken climate change denier Hess Allen Limpert offered his perspective on the album’s impending hue mutation.

“Ain’t nothing wrong with the Blue Album heating up a little, and in fact it will make the songs even better. Some of them tracks could use a little fire under ‘em, that’s what I say. Hell, increased redness will inject it with a little more of a country twang, which will play big in the midwest,” said a lounging Limpert. “Change ‘Buddy Holly’ to the Beverly Hillbillies’ ‘Buddy Ebsen,’ switch out ‘The Sweater Song’ with ‘Motor Oil Stained T-Shirt Song.’ Hey, if you ask me, the only thing that should be ‘In the Garage’ is a couple beat-up pickup trucks and a fridge of cold domestic beer.”

As more research was gathered, climate officials warned that by the end of the decade, the Arctic Monkeys will have to be referred to as simply the Monkeys.