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Frontman With Sudden Bout of Stage Fright Says It’s Because the Crowd Is So Unbelievably Attractive

SARASOTA, Fla. — Davey Lincoln, frontman for regionally popular pop-punk band It’s Not a Tumor, claimed a sudden bout of performance anxiety was due to the fact he couldn’t believe such an attractive crowd was willing to watch him play, confirmed multiple sources.

“This has never happened before. Usually I’m out on stage gyrating around, really giving it to them, but tonight was different,” said Lincoln from the green room. “I saw all these hot people waiting for me to grab that stiff microphone and I panicked. I tried to get them to clap their hands to see if that did anything for me and it ended up making things worse. They all seemed pretty cool with it, they said I had nothing to worry about, but I think they were just being polite. I let them know I just needed like 20 minutes to reset and then we could try again.”

Showgoer Amy Stewart was one of the many crowd members who tried to comfort Lincoln.

“You could tell it was really stressing him out. He offered to make it up to the audience by giving everyone backrubs, but that’s just not the same when you are in the mood for real action,” said Stewart. “We tried everything to get him to relax, we jumped around a bunch, we even tried singing some of his lyrics while he watched to see if that helped, but it was no use. After about five minutes he grabbed his water and went backstage. It was disappointing, but my ex-boyfriend’s band was playing nearby so I ended up going to that show and having a good time.”

Dr. Sydney Lawrence, a psychologist who has worked with some of the biggest names in music, says there are certain medications musicians can use in order to perform.

“It’s called cocaine, do a few rails of that and you are off to the races. You won’t give a fucking shit what anyone thinks. Your energy will be through the roof, your between-song banter will be out of this world, and your bandmates will struggle to keep up,” said Lawrence. “I’ve been providing my patients with cocaine and various other drugs for nearly 40 years and it’s why they call me Dr. Rock, and also why I spent 6 years in a California state penitentiary during the ‘90s.”

At press time, Lincoln announced he was finally ready to take the stage after watching five minutes of hardcore pornography.