LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders claimed another victory after signing a bill allowing parents to leave their children locked in vehicles on fatally hot days, officials reported.
“This is another win for parental rights in the great state of Arkansas. No longer will Biden’s leftist regime dictate that parents cannot leave their offspring locked in their cars in the sweltering heat. We believe that if a parent wants to run into the Piggly Wiggly just for thirty minutes to buy cigarettes and lottery tickets, they can leave their kids in the backseat to get brain damage or die at their own free will, ” said Governor Sanders. “This law will also be a boon for the economy, as parents can just leave their kids in the parking lot instead of bringing them to daycare, making it easier to get to their second or third jobs.”
Arkansas parents applauded the new measure, citing its focus on old school family values.
“These kids got it too easy these days. My daddy left me in the car while he hit up the titty bar during the lunch rush and I turned out just fine. Now I finally won’t catch shit when I leave my son locked in my truck while I play poker with the guys. If he can survive in the 115-degree heat, he can survive anything. And no, I don’t care what them scientists say otherwise,” said father and convicted domestic abuser Kyle Palmer. “Ain’t nothing like a little heat stroke to build some character and survival skills. I just throw my kid a Mountain Dew and he’ll be nice and hydrated, no problem.”
Concerns raised by state social workers fell on deaf ears.
“Arkansas is just one giant child neglect case, it’s shocking any of these kids make it past the age of ten. I’m already powerless to prevent children from getting killed in factory or slaughterhouse accidents thanks to the governor, now I have to worry about parents hotboxing their children to death. It’s still illegal to leave your dog in the car in case there was any doubt about the government’s priorities,” said CPS case worker Danielle Smith. “Unless I can convince parents that leaving toddlers in a sweltering Walmart parking lot is for liberals, the tiny coffin business is going to be booming.”
After acknowledging criticism of the law’s potential safety concerns, Governor Sanders signed an additional law allowing any children locked in a vehicle to open carry.