LOS ANGELES — Audience members in attendance at a recent taping of “The Masked Singer” were stunned when the contestant standing there frozen for three full minutes was revealed to be Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell
“He came out, showed some real promise by nailing the first ten seconds of ‘(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life,’ and then it’s like someone hit the pause button,” said judge Robin Thicke, moments before having to craft another apology for sexual abuse. “He came out dressed as a giant spider called Tartaruga and the whole crowd was behind him. Then he froze, missed the rest of the first verse and the chorus, and then his aide dressed as Lebre the Hare did her best to pick up the pieces. It wasn’t until he collapsed and the head rolled off that we realized it was Senator McConnell, but now it seems so obvious.”
“Jenny (McCarthy) kept insisting it had something to do with the vaccinations, but I think it might be the fact he’s like a million years old,’ added Thicke.
Audience member Carly Brown had mixed emotions about the reveal.
“At first I was worried that maybe it was Chris Hemsworth in the costume and that he had gotten real bad stage fright, but when that nasty spider head came off and it revealed an even nastier creature underneath I felt like the show had betrayed me a little bit,” said Brown. “I want people like Nick Carter and Jojo Sewa on the show, having a dying old man collapse on stage while Nick Cannon stands there stunned isn’t going to get me to tune in.”
Doctors for the Senator were quick to give him a clean bill of health as soon as his basic cognitive functions resumed.
“I have consulted with Senator McConnell and conferred with his neurology team. After evaluating yesterday’s incident, I have informed the Minority Leader that he is medically clear to continue with his karaoke schedule as planned and that I see absolutely nothing wrong with these frequent episodes where he enters a zombie-like trance,” said Dr. Brian Monahan, the attending doctor for the Capitol. ”Senator McConnel was fed his normal diet of cabbage and dandelions before being sent home and plans to resume his important work on Capitol Hill tomorrow.”
Senator McConnell’s team announced his current health issues will not prevent him from auditioning for the lead on the second season of “The Golden Bachelor.”
Michael Mann’s adaptation of “Red Dragon,” the prequel to “The Silence of The Lambs” is stylish, kinetic and truly unnerving. Brian Cox’s take on Hannibal Lecter is severely underrated, and character actor Tom Noonan is every bit as unsettling as he would go on to be in films like “The House of the Devil.” I just threw up a bunch of creepy crawlers. There isn’t much time.
Vampires wreak havoc on an isolated Alaskan town that experiences 30 straight days of darkness every winter. It’s an interesting premise that the film doesn’t quite live up to, but my right foot is now a Gizmo doll and I’m not sure if “The Grey” counts as horror so let’s move on.
Angered that God gave souls to man, an archangel played by Christopher Walken wages war in heaven, and seeks the ultimate weapon, which is a retired general in Arizona for some reason. It’s a lot less scary now that I know catholicism is bogus and whatever religion that lady who cursed me follows is clearly the right one.
Fun fact: The original Jason Voorhees costume from “Friday The 13th Part 2” is a direct ripoff of the killer in this movie, which is based on actual events.
There are a ton of horror movies set in L.A., but none of them are quite as iconic as this San Fransisco-based remake of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.” The movie starts with a cozy ‘70s vibe which soon gives way to paranoia, an unhinged young Jeff Goldblum, and one of the most unnerving endings in film history. There, I made my decision. Please spirits, stop turning my thumb into a people-pod!
Easy pick here. “The Shining” isn’t just considered one of the greatest horror movies of all time, it’s considered one of the greatest movies period. Hey, I just got a shining from the witch lady who cursed me. She says this is a waste of time and I suck.
There’s nothing more Connecticut than a small haunted hotel in a quaint little town. Based on and primarily filmed in an allegedly haunted Inn in Torrington CT, Ty West’s “The Innkeepers” is an instant classic of New England horror. Hey, spirits, can I have my penis back?
Not Romero’s best, arguably his worst in fact, but do you know how many movies are set in Deleware? Like five.
The worst entry of Romero’s initial Dead trilogy is still one of the best zombie movies ever made. It can’t be said to really capture the essence of Florida since most of the movie takes place in an underground bunker, but then again if I had to live in Florida that’s where I would want to stay too. In real life, there are worse things than zombies in the Sunshine State.
This B-movie classic is set in Georgia, and Michael Moriarty has the community theater-level southern accent to prove it!
Longtime, casual and fair-weather fans of The Aquabats’ music, personas, stage clothes, and goofy, goofy banter likely don’t know too much about the band’s newest LP “Kooky Spooky… In Stereo” as it came out at the height of the pandemic, and we all had other things to think about. Still, like its six predecessors, this LP puts the “enjo” in “enjoyable,” and this record is absolutely perfect for bubbly babies, acerbically witty adolescents, newly married twenty-somethings, and ne’er do well nursing homes sans Ben Stiller’s character in “Happy Gilmore” but with Wheel of Fortune’s letter turner Bob Barker. Continuing the sterling and sound tradition that the band started on their fourth studio album “Charge!,” the wild and crazy (The) Aquabats ended each song title with an exclamation point, and were happy to yell this at the sun in both bold and italic… They just want to party!
The Aquabats’ fourth LP “Charge!!” actually doubles as a naval command and an Uber/Lyft shriek, and picks up where its odd-in-the-best way third/underrated record “The Aquabats vs. the Floating Eye of Death!” with an almost total upstroke elimination segueing into Devo territory. Released on The Offspring and American Airlines’ Dexter Holland and the former Offspring bassist, Greg K. of Kmart’s now-defunct label Nitro Records, previous home to AFI, Crime in Stereo, formerly featuring current Aquabats guitarist Ian “Eagle ‘Bones’ Falconhawk” Fowles, who joined The Aquabats on their next wet release, “Hi-Five Soup!,” Son of Sam, and ColdBrew, this record served as a comeback to many misinformed dumbos who were turned off by its fantastic predecessor. The band released various compilations, EPs, and laserdiscs between album number three and four, and this LP had the longest gap between full-lengths until the year of our lord known as 2020.
Hey homies, “Hi-Five Soup!” is undoubtedly the best Aquabats LP of the 21st century, and we will get soaked for its cause. Its album cover is a fun outer space venture honoring New England Clam Chowder’s relationship with your left hand, whilst your right one swings back in the form of a former B.F.F. fisticuff session twice to honor each exclamation point in this studio album’s title, providing awesome forces in your dreams/pants. Fun fact: The late and great distinct rapper/icon/Czar Biz Markie is featured on track four, “Radio Down?” and said song provides a confluence of emotions and/or an FM wheelie! Speaking of features, Strong Bad, a fictional character from “Homestar Runner” also cameos on “Pink Pants! In closing, The Aquabats’ independently filmed TV pilot “The Aquabats! Super Show!” got picked up by The Hub a few months after this record came out.
The one that started it all, “The Return of The Aquabats,” is actually a sequel to a self-titled LP that doesn’t exist? The world may never know! Speaking of sequels, “Martian Girl,” “Idiot Box,” and “Playdough” appear in re-recorded form on “The Fury of The Aquabats,” and “Playdough” itself has the distinction of being this album’s opening track and its follow-up’s bonus hidden track… It’s crazy, man! Self-released on their own label Horchata Records, also home to the underrated Attaboy Skip, and eventually re-released by Fearless Records, the current home to Chase Atlantic, Boys Like Girls, and Bon Jovi six years later, we want to give a shout out to the OG AB mega line-up consisting of The Caped Commander, The Caped Crusader, Chain Saw, OC’s Chain Reaction, The Brain, Pinky, Crash McLarson, Crash Romeo, Roddy B., “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, Nacho, Queso, Cat Boy, Batgirl, Prince A., and Meghan Markle.
The Aquabats’ third album “The Aquabats vs. the Floating Eye of Death!” is the last of three LPs to contain the band’s name in its title, but this one is divisive amongst the band’s fans and polarizing for others. Still, this is the band’s last 1990s album, and caused the then-eight piece much pain and strife, as it fell quite short of expected sales, forced the band to be dropped from the label one year later, and created a hiatus of sorts for the next batch of years. Sometimes great art isn’t appreciated by the public until years later, or ever, as people be stupid, but this record stands the test of time for its creativity. To put it simply, no album from any band pre-1999 and 2000-beyond sounds like this one, and “Giant Robot-Birdhead” should be an anthem for anyone with taste… Hello/good night!
Sophomore slump or comeback of the year? Both? Neither? The Aquabats execute surf guitar in some form on each LP, but this album “The Fury of The Aquabats has a theme song and a metaphorical one echoing peak Dick Dale. 1997 was also a peak year for the ska/ska-punk/third-wave/swing world with the ultra-successful The Mighty Mighty Bosstones “Let’s Face It,” Goldfinger’s “Hang-Ups,” Save Ferris’ “It Means Everything,” and Lord Belial’s two-tone classic “Enter the Moonlight Gate” records. Also, this album briefly broke the band into the mainstream with the band’s now-anthem “Super Rad!,” of which Scullions’ Bobcat “Evil but Eventually Good Zed from ‘Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment’ and several other of its sequels, or “Shakes the Clown” if you Want to Laugh/Cry” Goldthwait directed was featured on your idiot box via MTV.
Whether or not you’ve obtained a legal vendor’s permit through the proper channels, is none of Charlie’s concern.
It’s probably safe to assume that Ugly Naked Guy would be the one who’s getting the police called on him for exposing himself to a minor. He’s going to do whatever he can to avoid the heat.
He’s too famous to care about something so inconsequential as the legality of a child’s lemonade stand. There’s no way he’s stopping, either. He doesn’t think about you, kids, laws, and he never will.
As the manager of a small business, Gunther wouldn’t be one to stifle the joy of a young entrepreneur. In fact, he might even offer great business advice but it’ll probably go unnoticed by everyone around him given his forgettable voice, face, and general vibe.
Parker is sure to be jazzed to see a lemonade stand on his block. You bet he’s gonna buy a cup and describe every sensation he feels with every sip. “It’s like my tongue has just witnessed the sunrise for the first time.” But his commentary quickly becomes grating and you’ll end up having to escort him off your property for bothering the neighbors.
Bless her heart, Erica would not even know what a vendor permit is.
If Joey passed by a kid selling lemonade you best believe he’s gonna throw down every quarter in his pocket to quench his never-ending thirst. He’ll down the whole pitcher, belch, and then give the little “champ” a high-five before hitting on someone’s mother.
Tag’s too laid back, young, and dumb to have any ounce of entitlement. He’d buy a cup before spotting a hoverboard peeking out of their garage and politely ask to take it for a spin. He’ll no doubt break his arm but he’ll be smiling all the way to the emergency room.
Phoebe would be so amped to see a little kid selling lemonade. The sight would make her reminisce about a time when she was a child, begging her parents to allow her to have a lemonade stand of her own. Then she’ll bring down the entire mood by mentioning her mother’s suicide and how she was homeless by the age of 14, telling the little 8-year-old to live it up while they still can.
Janice would screech, “Oh my gawd, look at the little businessman!” while everyone plugged their ears. She’ll be that annoying aunt you dread to see because you’re constantly embarrassed by the amount of attention she gives.
Mike’s childlike behavior is sure to emerge when he’s in the presence of a child. Before you even realize it, he’ll be chatting away with your kid about cartoons and video games. Chances are you’ll have to intervene when the conversation between the two gets heated about which Dragon Ball Z character is the strongest.
Despite growing up wealthy and entitled, Rachel grew into a very grounded and down-to-earth adult after being financially cut off by her parents. She understands the emotional turmoil of earning a dollar, so she’ll be excited to buy a cup before gossiping to you about that one house on the corner.
Carol understands that even if your kid’s lemonade stand doesn’t have a permit it’s not right to call the authorities on a child. She’s gonna buy herself a cup and make sure that Susan stays inside that day.
Tech Millionaire and aspiring UFC champ Pete Becker, is always trying to prove that despite his wealth, he’s still a man of the people. That’s why when he sees your kid’s lemonade stand he’ll buy a cup for 25 dollars and not realize the price is actually 25 cents.
Fun Bobby’s only concern in life is finding the next party. If he comes around he’s gonna buy a cup, spike it with liquor, and shoot the shit with you. But, before you know it, he’s downed 3 pitchers and is now drunkenly telling you about all the women in the neighborhood he’s slept with while their husbands were away.
There’s nothing more amusing than a ruggedly handsome, emotionally fragile man. Upon seeing a loving relationship that you have with your kid, memories of his past will flood in and he’ll be a puddle of tears by his second sip.
As a former high school teacher she would be delighted to see a young person in America get out of the house and do something productive instead of wanting to be some brainless TikToker. It’s clear her projection is due to her own three brainless children each on their own iPad watching a ten-hour Mr. Beast YouTube video.
No, Jack wouldn’t be one to call the cops. But he probably would refuse to buy a cup because he heard one time that the acid in lemons weakens your enamel and he needs to hold on to the little he has left.
Judy’s not the type to discipline another child. She would likely fawn over the “adorable little setup you have going on here” before making backhanded comments to Monica about her adopted grandchildren. With a strong emphasis on the word adopted.
Chandler would walk up and when you ask, “would you like a lemonade, sir?” He’ll sarcastically joke, “No, I’m just here to hit on your daughter.” Then laugh before realizing what he just said. He’ll try to save it by saying, “I don’t find your daughter attractive, sir.” But he makes it worse. “Not that she’s ugly. Because for a girl her age, she’s a knock-out.” He’ll laugh once more and add, “Yeah, I think I’ll just go.”
Paolo would be confused to see a small vendor booth in a suburban neighborhood. He’ll be momentarily transported to the streets of Italy where he used to buy gelato from an old woman with no left eye. He’ll approach the booth and struggle to read the sign, “Le-moan-add?” but then it’ll click, “Ah, si limonata.” There’s no way he’s not buying a cup.