Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

House Show Not Even Attended By House Residents

Posted on February 22, 2020 by Lana Schwartz

PHILADELPHIA — A house show headlined by local shoe gaze group No Holes Barry reached new and dismal lows of attendance this past weekend, reportedly failing to draw even the venue’s residents from their bedrooms to their living room.

“We went all out,” said No Holes Barry’s lead singer and bassist Carrie Martin. “Free show, free beer, the works — but no one showed. We thought it’d be a good chance for our fans to check out our tunes, smoke some bud, and hook up with us after, but… nothing. Absolutely nothing. And I know some of the people who live here were upstairs hiding in their rooms, because I could hear them giggle every time I knocked on their doors.”

The three permanent residents of the house venue who could not be tempted to watch No Holes Barry’s post-punk pre-emo indie-adjacent tunes were identified by Martin as “curly hair dude,” “tall guy who dated Brenda,” and “Bread-eater.”

“[Carrie] knocked on my door like, 10 times, asking me if I wanted to come down and watch the show,” said “Bread-eater,” who asked to not have her real name used. “She kept screaming ‘Free Tecate!’ at me, so I told her I was studying for the MCAT and she backed off a bit. I don’t even know what the fuck an MCAT is, but it worked. I’m hoping they get the hint down there and pack it up.”

Members of No Holes Barry even allegedly warned neighbors about the show in hopes one of them would come over to investigate, or even call the cops.

“I really appreciate the heads up she gave,” said neighbor Bonnie Hunt. “But they must’ve canceled the show, because the block was actually quieter than it usually is. Usually that place is a madhouse, with people moshing on the lawn and lighting off fireworks in the backyard… but that night, it was a ghost town. In fact, it was the best night of sleep my newborn has had in months.”

The band allegedly plans to play their next show in a public park, so bypassers and children celebrating their birthdays will have no choice but to listen to them.

Gross! This Guy is Making a Phone Call on His Portable Porno Player

Posted on February 22, 2020 by Zac Lux

Here I am at the local Burger Blaster minding my own business when this guy takes his Portable Porno Player out! I’m thinking like, my guy, that is bold for you to indulge in such behavior here in public surrounded by all these people and families. But got damn, respect to you sir. I appreciate your chutzpah.

I keep slurping down my thick ass creamy vanilla milkshake, minding my own business. He starts tapping the screen, I’m assuming he’s typing in a search for the kind of skin-jams he is looking to delve into: Hot backdoor action, BDSM, Step-sibs, Ginger Greasin’, Pterodactyl Sex, Cake farts, MILF, DILF, Hentai, ‘Bians, POV, Gang Bangin’, Missionary, you know, something like that.

He finishes tapping the screen and he is about to commence, when out of nowhere he puts the Portable Porno Player up to his ear and starts TALKING on it! I couldn’t believe it. This guy ACTUALLY used his Portable Porno Player to make a PHONE call!

I’m not one to kink shame; I once got blasted in the ass by a neon ‘90s super soaker while three people in purple morph suits stomped my balls. I consider myself very open-minded. But making a phone call on your Portable Porno Player? That’s absolutely disgusting. The only thing I could think about using it for other than poring over porno is MAYBE Candy Crush, and even then I feel kinda weird and dirty.

He should be ashamed to be doing such an act like this in a public place. I don’t care if it’s an urgent conversation that has to be had, I don’t care if anyone’s health is on the line or if it’s the job offer of your dreams. Save it for when you’re home alone, after you turn on late night talk radio, light some scentless candles from TJ-Maxx and close your smoke stained blinds while reruns of General Hospital play on your Sony Trinitron TV. That’s when you talk on the Portable Porno Player. Just like everyone else. Not here at the Burger Blaster.

The really disgusting part was I think he was talking to his mom! Not his step-mom, his actual fucking MOM! Nasty.

Grindr Reunites Father and Son

Posted on February 22, 2020 by Patrick Crooks

BEL AIR, Md. — Philidelphia transplant and Grindr user Brian Walsh was reunited with his estranged father Dale yesterday after the two inadvertently contacted each other on the gay hookup app, sources who don’t really want to talk about it confirmed.

“Dad took my coming out pretty bad, and as a result we haven’t spoken in about 10 years or so,” reported Walsh, who was in his hometown visiting his sister when the connection occurred. “This guy messaged me on Grindr, and even though he didn’t have a face pic, there was something that drew me to him… a certain familiarity, you could call it. So I decided to meet up.”

“I’m not sure what’s worse: finding out this way that your dad is gay, or sending him a photo of you with a giant black dildo in your ass?” Brian asked. “Regardless, this week’s therapy session ought to be interesting.”

The younger Walsh was shocked to learn that the anonymous person with whom he matched was 53-year-old electrical engineer and his father by birth, who was equally caught off-guard.

“My face was certainly red after this incident. Now I know why people are so insistent on face pics,” remarked Dale. “I guess this is one of those ‘comedy of errors’ situations. People say that being on the down-low can come back and bite you, but I didn’t think in a million years something like this would happen. We engaged in some awkward small talk about crab cakes, and he was nice enough to agree to not tell his mother, and that was that. It would’ve been funny if it wasn’t so traumatizing.”

Experts caution that this incident may push the two even further apart, rather than initiate a reconciliation.

“More often than not, these encounters will open up new wounds in fraught relationships,” noted psychologist Dr. Jill Hayden. “For the son, he’ll see his father’s rejection as a sign of hypocrisy and cowardice, while the father will feel the shame of what he did as an act of self-hatred. Also, if I had said some of the things these two said to each over Grindr, I don’t think I could ever look my father in the eye again.”

At press time, Brian noted that the attention his father paid years ago to his neighbor’s football-playing son “suddenly made perfect sense.”

I Hate Ska Except for When It’s in Every Single Comedy Movie I Loved From the ’90s

Posted on February 22, 2020 by Cory Cousins

We can all agree that ska is the worst, right? I mean it’s just kinda silly. All the off-beat guitar, trumpets and trombones, absurd lyrics, and let’s not forget “skanking,” which is somehow both dorky and problematic. However, I can’t help but feel some nostalgia towards the pseudo-reggae genre as it fit so perfectly in all of the ’90s comedies I enjoyed when I was in high school. And still enjoy today. And listen to the soundtracks when I’m bored. Or just feel like dancing. Whatever, ska sucks. Except for in these movies:

Let’s kick it off with one of the many, many great teen-punk coming of age movies, SLC Punk! While the soundtrack is loaded up with various punk acts, ska legends The Specials and The Suicide Machines seamlessly weaved their way through the movie. Every time one of those horny tunes came on I couldn’t help but forget that ska is literally trash in sound wave form and I’d dance and jump around, presumably pissing off everyone else watching the movie. What a rare exception to the rule that ska is terrible!

We can’t talk about great ’90s comedies without mentioning BASEketball. This hilarious backyard sports romp starring Trey Parker and Matt Stone is like one long Reel Big Fish music video. With a couple of peppy ditties like “Beer” and a cover of A-ha’s “Take On Me,” it really made me feel like one of the guys. Just drinking beers, gaining adoration from beautiful women who are way out of your league, and the insatiable need to yell, “Steeeeve Perry!” at random strangers on the street. Even though ska music is pretty lame, the grand traditions and cultures of ska are perfectly preserved in this film.

If we only talk about one ska band whose contribution left an indelible mark on the ’90s comedy genre, it would be Goldfinger. Their fun brand of ska punk worked perfectly in movies like American Pie, The Waterboy, Dead Man On Campus, Meet The Deedles, and Kingpin. After watching these classics in a row, it would be difficult to not start checkering my Vans with a sharpie if I didn’t already do that on a weekly basis.

And, yes, I know The Mighty Mighty Bosstones had a major role in Clueless but they slap regardless of context.

So I guess ska isn’t so bad after all. The whimsical genre contributed so much to my personality and sense of humor during those awkward, yet endearing teenage high school years. Jesus, sorry. I got lost in a cloud of teenage nostalgia there for a moment. Ska is the worst and shouldn’t be celebrated. Does anybody know how to get sharpie out of shoes?

Prospect of Getting High Not Enough to Cancel Out Taste of Robitussin

Posted on February 22, 2020 by Patrick Crooks

WHEELING, W.V. — Local woman and drug enthusiast Lindsey Cruz reportedly turned down the opportunity to trip balls for less than $4 last night, thanks to her disdain for the taste of Robitussin cough syrup, shocked sources confirmed.

“My regular plug found Jesus and stopped selling weed, so we had to come up with an alternative way to get high for cheap, and my friend Tracey mentioned that you could get pretty trippy on cough syrup,” said the high school dropout. “I always wanted to try sizurp, but did it have to be fucking Robitussin? That shit tastes like liquid ass, and I can barely keep down a teaspoon without gagging. I can’t believe I actually said this, but I told her I didn’t want to get high that badly.”

Indeed, best friend Tracey Lewis confirmed that Cruz, known for a willingness to try just about anything for a cheap high, rejected the offer to Robotrip.

“I was floored. I mean, this is Linz we’re talking about here — she once spent like, $60 on whipped cream just for the whip-its,” noted a flabbergasted Lewis. “I told her to just close her eyes and chug it and not think about the taste, but she refused. She kept asking if I had Dimetapp, or that pink prescription bubblegum stuff that comes with that little alligator spoon thing… but I told her I don’t think that’s how it works. So, she just went home.”

Executives for Robitussin released a statement indicating that the medicine’s history of abuse is a primary reason why they’ve not changed the flavor.

“As anyone who has even gotten bored and chugged a bottle of our product, Lord knows it’s a pretty awesome experience and one we do not condone,” indicated a sluggish spokesperson for the cough medicine who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “That’s why, unlike many other medicines, we’ve not done anything to change the barf-inducing taste of Robitussin. It’s our hope that persons with a potential to abuse it will recall childhood memories of fighting their parents tooth and nail to avoid it, and instead turn toward more traditional methods of getting high — like getting shitty drunk on rubbing alcohol, or just blowing Oxys.”

At press time, Cruz was spotted leaving a hobby store with two plastic bags filled with jars of an unknown product.

Princess Diana Beanie Baby Value Skyrockets After Hiding Drugs in It

Posted on February 21, 2020 by Zac Lux

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — The resale price of a rare Princess Diana Beanie Baby rose exponentially last week after local collector and drug dealer Blake Kaiser hid an 8-ball of cocaine inside the stuffed animal, online appraisers and coke fiends confirmed.

“I was trying everything to get a decent price for these stuffed pieces of shit,” said Kaiser. “I held onto so many of them since the ’90s because people were saying how valuable they would be in the future — turns out, they didn’t end up being worth much. But when I hid some cocaine in one, it sold real quick… and for a price that was reminiscent of the predictions of the ’90s! Before I knew it, people from all around town were calling me, asking to buy my Beanie Babies. I guess the fad really came back around! It feels good to provide so much joy to my community.”

Kaiser’s success did not go unnoticed by his peers in the niche collectibles market.

“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong,” said Dustin Blevins, who has been hoarding Beanie Babies for resale for over two decades. “I put protective plastic on their heart tags right when I got them, I dry clean them every other month… I even keep them stored in glass cases with a constant low humidity. They’re in perfect shape. I just don’t understand how this guy’s Beanie Babies are flying off the shelves while I haven’t had any hits on my eBay listings in years.”

Dr. Clara Delarosa, who studies the psychology of collecting with a focus in ’90s fads and memorabilia, noted that this is all too common among collectibles of this time period.

“You see it all the time,” said Delarosa. “Pogs, madballs, Pokemon cards, Pez dispensers, you name it: someone, at some point, finally sold them off by using the collectible as a vehicle for illegal activity. It’s just as likely that one of these toys ends up in a landfill as it is for them to be packed with black tar heroin and stashed in a child’s backpack to get past some security checkpoint.”

Kaiser’s sales reportedly soared until he accidentally sold a Patti the Platypus laced with PCP to an undercover police officer, who bought it as a gift for his daughter’s bat mitzvah. Kaiser is looking at two to five years in prison with a fine of $20,000, or one Valentino the Bear.

Ah Shit: Stza From Leftover Crack Got Into the Trash Again

Posted on February 21, 2020 by Pete GK

Goddammit, I can’t believe this happened again. I take my Trash out every Monday and for a while things were fine, but lately we’ve been having some trouble with Stza getting in there and leaving a mess. I know he doesn’t mean anything by it, he’s just looking for a little snack or maybe a half finished 40 oz, but for fuck’s sake every time he gets in, I have to clean up the whole mess.

The first time it happened we tried putting the trash out in the MORNING because we read online that he was nocturnal, but after I left for work the same thing happened. We thought maybe he had just been up partying all night that one time, but it happened the week after too. I got some rodent repellent bags, but that was no use so I tried spraying it down with Axe Body Spray and he still got into it. I figured it would keep him away, but he must have thought the Trash Can was a jock and it was one of the worst messes we had during this whole ordeal.

I put some bricks on top of the can lid to make it heavier but then one of them ended up going through the window of the Starbucks next to my apartment.

We got one of those cans that have the flip up handles to secure the lid so he couldn’t just knock it over, we even hung it up on a hook out by the curb, but he even got through that one because his hands work kinda like little human hands.

Stza is cute and honestly, if I weren’t living in New York, I would even consider setting out a humane society trap and catching him to keep him as a little pet. But I don’t have the space in my apartment for him to make little cardboard signs, smoke crack, and do all the other cute things he likes to do when he’s not getting into my fucking trash can.

I think next week we’ll try putting a padlock on the lid, but if that doesn’t work I’m gonna have to call up Fat Wreck Chords and let them know that things are becoming unbearable. Fat Mike should be able to sort this thing out without having to get animal control involved.

Woman Not Excited to Discover Boyfriend Backwards-Compatible With His Exes

Posted on February 21, 2020 by Chandler Dean

AUSTIN, Texas — Local woman Misty Barnhart was reportedly displeased when she realized that her boyfriend Luis Pratt is backward-compatible with his exes, claiming that it was not a “prominently advertised” feature of their relationship.

Pratt, who got into a relationship with Barnhart by touting exclusives such as “love,” “affection,” and “commitment,” also has an extensive back catalog of previous partners with whom he can still launch interactions using first-party software — the Messages app on his phone.

“Part of the appeal of dating Luis was getting access to all of his cutting-edge DMs and pics,” said Barnhart, who carefully selected the upbeat, family-friendly Pratt over more highly-powered hardcore suitors. “But it turns out he’s maintaining this rich library of content from relationships going back at least three generations. I understand nostalgia, but it shouldn’t come at the expense of your latest IP — intimate partnership.”

For his part, Pratt clarified that although he technically does have the ability to play with his exes, there are still limitations to ensure Barnhart is receiving the superior experience.

“When it comes to ex functionality, I have controls in place that Misty specified when we set up our relationship, so inappropriate contact is inaccessible,” explained Pratt, who had internalized different settings for each of his six legacy partners. “For example, I have unlimited access to features such as ‘liking Hunter’s non-sexy pics on Instagram,’ as well as ‘being friendly and asking how his dad is doing when I run into Michael.’

“That said,” Pratt continued, “‘going out to dinner one-on-one with Sarah’ and ‘fucking any of them’ are, thus far, completely off-limits.”

Another aspect of Pratt’s backwards compatibility is an unskippable loop of fond memories that runs in the background of his subconscious — including that day he and Aubrey went to the Cloisters and got gelato, the night he and Blair just started driving on the freeway with no plan but to share each other’s company, and the way Avery’s beauty mark on their cheek would stretch ever so slightly when they smirked at his jokes.

At press time, just as Barnhart began to feel comfortable with the backwards compatibility arrangement, Pratt ominously posted an image with the text “December 2020: The Future Arrives” on his finsta.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Staff Talks Buttigieg Down From Bad CBD Oil Trip

Posted on February 21, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

RENO, Nev. — Democratic Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg canceled an appearance with a local voter group yesterday after spinning out into a bad, six-hour drug trip, reportedly due to some CBD oil a staffer gave him for his nerves.

“He gets nervous sometimes when talking to voters,” Elaine Sutton, the now-fired staffer, said. “So I gave him a few drops of CBD oil to help calm him down. The next thing I know, he’s taking off his shirt and barricading himself in a diner bathroom. I don’t get it — if anything, it should’ve just made him kind of tired, or maybe helped with any inflammation he might have.”

Fellow Buttigieg staffers quickly flew into “disaster mode,” telling the locals that the candidate had come down with the flu.

“You can’t give that man more than peppermint tea,” staffer Wallace Hill said. “When we finally got the door open, he was huddled in the corner, drenched in sweat and repeating to himself, ‘I’m the president, I’m the president.’ Luckily, I’d been to Bonnaroo once and knew what to do: we whisked him back to his hotel, gave him some warm milk, and put on his DVD copy of ‘Minions’ until he finally fell asleep. ”

For his part, Buttigieg claimed he didn’t know what CBD oil was when he took it.

“It was in a little dropper. I thought it was like, lavender… or maybe that stuff you feed baby birds,” Buttigieg said. “I did not realize I was taking a hard-core hallucinogen. For a few hours there, I was convinced I was still mayor of that shit hole in Indiana. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I give myself a urine test next week — I might have to fire myself.”

Buttigieg’s campaign is working hard to ensure nothing like this happens again, putting child locks on the staff medicine cabinet and hiring a food taster for any pastas made with cooking wine.

How I Got Six-Pack Abs Through Hard Work and Mostly Being 22-Years-Old

Posted on February 21, 2020 by Bobby Korec

Abs: Everyone wants them. No one’s got them. Except yours truly.

In today’s world, there just aren’t many people willing to put in the hard work and be a certain age to get for those shiny six-pick abs. Unlike me, a 22-year-old male with all the time in the world and a metabolism that has yet to be utterly decimated with age.

If you just put in that extra effort, you too can have a smoking hot bod by the end of your junior year of college just like me. Here are a few things I learned during training.

They say that abs are made in the kitchen. That’s why I do my entire ab workout in front of the refrigerator and stove. I don’t quite get the science behind it, but it really works. While you’re in the kitchen you might as well celebrate your progress with a few post-workout beers too.

As for diet, make sure you stay as far away from carbs as you can. Consider them your arch nemesis. Except on cheat days, of course. I typically set aside two or three cheat days a week, sometimes four during the summer, where I allow myself to absolutely devour any complex carbohydrates I can get my hands on. These cheat days should rarely affect your progress. If anything, an extra 10 minutes on the treadmill should do the trick, assuming you’re blessed with good genes.

Cardio, cardio, and I can’t stress this enough, cardio. Do not underestimate it. There are many different ways to burn those excess calories. For me, about a half hour of light jogging one day a week did the trick. Sex technically gets your heart rate up too, so be sure to include that in your daily workout journal. The trick is to think of sex as making cardio love.

Don’t drink every single day. A few times per week is fine, but otherwise steer clear. Evidently, PBR calories add up fast even though my progress has never been thwarted after a weekend bender. Also, there’s a gram or two of protein in beer. You’ll need those essential amino acids to build core muscle so, if you think about it, beer is actually good for you.

And always post your progress to Instagram with a couple of hashtags about how you’ve worked incredibly hard to get your body into fitness-model shape.

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