Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Only Drummer in Town Pretending He Doesn’t Love Being Wooed Like a Southern Debutante

Posted on February 21, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

FAIRHOPE, Ala. — Davey Armstrong, the only drummer of note in his small town, is doing a poor job of hiding the fact that he loves every local band trying to woo him like he’s a proper southern belle of upstanding virtue, potential suitors who desperately need him for their band’s rhythm section confirmed.

“Yeah, it’s super weird, right? Everyone is just being really nice to little ol’ me. I don’t know what that’s all about. They must really like drummers,” said a smirking Armstrong while one guitarist rubbed his feet and another fed him grapes. “Sure, all the free dinners, vinyl, and bags of weed have been nice, but all I really care about is the music. That’s why I think I need another six months to a year of bands sweeping me off my feet before I make my final decision.”

A local guitarist, who wished to remain anonymous, called out Armstrong for “playing dumb” and “leading bands on.”

“Davey knows exactly what the fuck is going on. Throw a stone in this town and you’ll hit some dickhead who plays guitar. But drummers? Forget it. That’s why we’re all laying it on so thick,” said the anonymous guitarist. “Of course, Davey wasn’t always the only drummer in town: there used to be a guy named Todd, but tripping face and screwing around with roman candles will end a music career real quick.”

Armstrong’s father Colonel Spencer Armstrong insisted that while his son has his pick of the litter, he “shan’t be flimflammed by petty favors.”

“If I had my druthers, I’d insist Davey hold out for a respectable band. But I reckon it’s far too easy for a sweet young thing like my 29-year-old son to get swept up in all the attention foisted upon him,” said Col. Armstrong. “In addition to finding a nice band with bonafides, I also believe that whomever Davey chooses should bestow some sort of dowry upon the drummer’s family. Oh, and no sludge metal. That shit fucking sucks.”

At press time, two local bands attempting to court Armstrong had allegedly run afoul of one another, and are now planning to duel for “the right to Davey’s hand.”

Joe Biden Kisses Baby on the Lips

Posted on February 20, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

COLUMBIA, S.C. — Former Vice President Joe Biden’s campaign is reeling today after the Democratic contender reportedly kissed a baby square on the lips while campaigning in South Carolina.

“Vice President Biden’s ‘tactile’ form of communicating has been a problem for us this entire campaign,” said campaign manager Greg Schultz. “After several women came forward to say the former Vice President had encroached on their personal space, we were forced to release a video promising to ‘better respect the personal space of lazy-toed sheep wranglers.’ We thought we had things under control following his passionate kiss with his granddaughter, but then this baby thing happened, and we don’t know what the fuck is going on anymore.”

The baby kiss scandal, known as “Babygate,” came directly on the heels of the Presidential contender calling voters in Iowa “rat-lipped woodchucks” and “buck-toothed dairy farmers.”

“This thing is just getting started. It’s time we get back to basics, pressing the flesh,” said Biden. “People hand me babies left and right, and I’m going to kiss them all right on their cute little lips. I’m the only candidate who will go the extra mile and suck on someone’s fingers, gently sniff or caress a neck, or plant a smooch right on the wet mouth of an adorable little baby. Boy or girl, I’ll kiss them all, and that is what we need to defeat Donald Trump.”

Even Biden supporters had a tough time defending his actions.

“Biden has decades of experience ignoring viral videos showing him creep on little girls, shrugging off accounts of him smelling women’s hair, and physically intimidating voters who confront him about his policies… but even this is a bit too far,” said George Sanchez, an undecided voter in South Carolina. “In 2016 I voted for him over Hillary because I didn’t love the underground race of lizard people who spawned her, but now I’m not sure what to do. Mayor Pete hasn’t done anything creepy with toddlers, has he?”

To rekindle flagging support, Biden and his campaign have created a seven-minute commercial spot that is simply a close-up of the former Vice President sensually eating a banana and licking his lips.

Bassoon Player Probably Overdoing It With “This Machine Kills Fascists” Sticker

Posted on February 20, 2020 by Alec Stein

CHICAGO — Local musician and self-proclaimed Antifa member Shaun Straut is proudly sporting a “This Machine Kills Fascists” sticker on his bassoon, which sources admit is “probably overdoing it a bit.”

“I’m no hero,” said an unprompted Straut. “I just see myself standing on the frontline of this war we’re all fighting, with my bassoon grasped firmly in one hand and love in the other. That’s how I’m defeating fascism: with the unifying melodies of my bassoon, and love radiating from my heart. Now that I think about it, I guess that does make me a bit of a hero.”

Reports indicate Shaun recently attended an anti-ICE rally, where he performed an impromptu rendition of Anti-Flag’s “You’ve Gotta Die for the Government.” However, the lyric-less, woodwind version of the punk anthem was met with resounding confusion.

“Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the sentiment,” said Lee Harding, a community organizer and acquaintance of Straut. “This administration has me, and so many other marginalized people, terrified. It’s just… I’m not sure Shaun even really knows what fascism is. The last time I heard him use that word was to describe anti-vaping laws. The time before that, he was talking about his flask getting confiscated at a Cubs game. Also — and this should probably go without saying — it’s a fucking bassoon.”

According to music historian Jada Williams, Straut is far from a unique case.

“Ever since Woody Guthrie painted those damn words on his guitar, every band nerd has thought they’ll be the one to kill fascism with their shitty instrument,” said Williams. “If that were the case, fascism probably would’ve died sometime before Dylan went electric. Instead, it’s continued to gain traction, despite what the Carhartt-wearing ukulele players out there would have you believe.”

At press time, Straut was seen shouting bastardized lyrics from “We Shall Overcome” at the bouncers throwing him out of a bar at 4:00 AM.

Review: Critics Are Too Hard on ‘Sonic,’ Which Is Fun for the Whole Family, Just Like Olive Garden

Posted on February 20, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

While Sonic himself may say gotta go fast, we as reviewers gotta be asked: why so harsh on our blue furry friend? Today I saw Sonic the Hedgehog in theaters with incredibly low expectations due to my fellow critics’ opinion of the film and I was blown away by what I saw. My review is this: Sonic the Hedgehog is a fun film for children and parents alike, similar to, as a completely random example, the restaurant Olive Garden.

As of writing, Sonic the Hedgehog has a mere 47% rating on MetaCritic from pretentious critics who watched this delightful movie with the eye of an aging film school graduate and not of a child. This is the wrong idea. Sonic the Hedgehog was never meant to be a 5-course meal crafted by the finest chefs in the land. Sonic is a meal that anyone can enjoy, like a Five Cheese Ziti al Forno from Olive Garden or even a Chicken and Shrimp Carbonara, also from Olive Garden.

When it comes down to it, the action in Sonic was exciting, the colors in Sonic were bright, and the dialogue in Sonic was snappy. What more could you want from a family film? Many reviews criticized the fast pace of the opening exposition of the film, but like a Lasagna Fritta (new from Olive Garden), I thought it was a powerful appetizer that made me hungry for more.

Movies are for the people, not the critics. And Olive Garden is also for the people. Which is why for a limited time only, you can get 15% off on select meals at Olive Garden if you go to their website and sign up for an exclusive coupon. Terms and conditions may apply. And that’s the message of Sonic, as well. Because what is the hero’s journey if not applying terms and conditions to overcome the problems that we face in everyday life?

Sorry fellow critics, I give Sonic the Hedgehog 10 out 10. And yes, when it comes out on DVD, I will bring it home to my family and watch it again. And where did I get that home, you might ask? That’s right: Zillow.com.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Cool: Millencolin Covering Pennywise Song Or, Actually, Other Way Around, Maybe

Posted on February 20, 2020 by Chuck Kowalski

Isn’t it rad when two huge names in the scene show each other some love?

So I’m wandering around this giant music fest when, out of nowhere, I hear kick-ass riffage that could only mean one thing: skate punk. And what do I find? Long-time skate punkers Millencolin giving huge props to the legends Pennywise with a cover of…wait, what song is this?

Whoa, hold up. Ok, ok, my bad. I think that was actually Pennywise paying respects to Millencolin. Classic mix up. Wait, that was Pennywise, wasn’t it? The song was that kind of straightforward, no-nonsense punk so it has to be a Millencolin song. I’m fairly certain. Unless maybe it’s actually, like, six or seven Pennywise songs I’m thinking of. Shit.

Alright, wait. I refuse to look this up. I’ve loved skate punk since I saw Pennywise absolutely kick ass at Warped Tour 97. Or did I see Millencolin? How the hell can’t I remember this? Come to think of it, has anyone ever these two bands in the same place at one time?

There has to be a way to figure this out. Oh I know! The song was totally on one of those skateboarding video games! I think I saw one of those dingy-ass arcades on the promenade with a Top Skater machine that featured this song, I’m betting. Although I could be thinking of that one song on Tony Hawk 2.

Let’s just think this through logically. Which one was on Epitaph: Pennywise or Millencolin? Both?! Son of a bitch!

No need to panic. I’ve got this well under control. What about the Punk-O-Rama albums? Maybe that’ll at least create some separation. Good thing I happen to keep volumes 2 through 8 on me at all times.

Okay so volume 2… both on there. 3? Same deal. Here’s 4 and…shit. On to 5. Come on! Really? 6? Nope. 7? Nope. Show—me—lucky—number—8!

God fucking dammit!

You know what? Fuck it. I’ll figure it out later. It sounds like NOFX is playing on another stage so I’ll go check them out. Although it might just be some chubby dude yelling the C word into a microphone.

Rapist Who Can’t Sing or Play Sports Still Not Going to Jail

Posted on February 20, 2020 by Issa Diao

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local rapist Kent Mehring once again avoided any consequences for his repeated sexual assaults last week, despite his total lack of musical ability and not being a famous sports star, unsurprised sources confirmed.

“People tend to think it’s only powerful men with lots of money who end up beating rape charges, but that’s very untrue,” said sexual assault survivor and activist Karla Fahner. “Even losers with nothing good to show for themselves, like Kent, are able to weasel their way out of charges because the system is so broken. He’s not charming, he’s not handsome, he’s pure garbage — I mean, he didn’t even make the swim team. But cops just say this is a ‘he said, she said’ situation and set him loose again. And he’s not a rare case; this is happening everywhere.”

Despite dozens of credible accusations and Mehring’s own drunken confessions to strangers at bars, he reportedly has yet to see any punishment for his actions.

“If any women want to come forward and describe the assault in full detail to a room full of adult men, my door is always open,” said local detective Lenny Stupitski. “And, yeah — if their story changes even a little bit after the sixth or seventh time they recount it, you better believe I’m going to call them on their bullshit. I want to make sure when they testify in a courtroom full of judgemental strangers, with their attacker staring at them, that they get it right. I don’t know what’s so hard about this.”

For his part, Mehring remains confident that his pattern of predatory behavior will have no consequences for himself.

“Only in America, baby!” said Mehring from his room in his mother’s basement. “Any time I’m questioned by cops, all I have to do is claim it was consensual, and they let me go. I’m on a first-name basis with most people down at the precinct at this point, but I always get let go.”

“And it’s not because I have rich and powerful parents with connections,” Mehring added. “They both work at the dump. This is just proof that all men are equal — I don’t drive a sports car, I don’t have high powered lawyers… hell, I don’t even have a job. Or a criminal record.”

Law enforcement officials did admit privately that if Mehring were black, he’d already be serving three life sentences.

I Cannot Endorse Bernie Sanders’ Proposed Wealth Tax Because He is Clearly Count Olaf in Disguise

Posted on February 20, 2020 by Joe Tilleli

One might think Bernie Sanders is an ideal presidential candidate, but this could not be further from the truth as he is actually the notorious villain, Count Olaf, in disguise.

My name is Klaus Baudelaire and with me are my sisters, Violet and Sunny. For the past year, our lives have been made miserable by a dastardly man named Count Olaf. In an attempt to steal our family fortune, he has assumed various identities from a herpetologist’s assistant to a peg-legged ship captain. And now, he is deceiving you all by disguising himself as a democratic candidate in the 2020 election with the fake name of “Bernie Sanders” in order to steal the inheritance owed to me and my family.

Strange as it may seem, this “Bernie Sanders” does not care about the American people. Medicare For All sounds like a good thing on paper. It also sounds like a good thing when spoken out loud and put into practice. Working families and individuals would be able to seek the medical attention they need and improve their lives substantially. However, this attractive proposal is funded by a tax on billionaires such as ourselves. This wealth tax is all a ruse for Count Olaf to trick voters into electing him so he can claim our fortune for himself. A ruse is an action intended to deceive someone.

This man is Count Olaf in disguise and we can prove it. “Feel The Bern” may appear at first to be a metaphorical call to action. It is actually a boastful taunt directed at my sisters and me as a reminder he burned down our family home and murdered our parents.

Count Olaf is wanted for suspicion of fraud, theft, murder, and child endangerment. It is no surprise he would employ nefarious political tactics such as promising to raise minimum wage to 15 dollars an hour and canceling college debt for over 45 million Americans. Nefarious means wicked or with criminal intent.

So when the primaries make it to your state, remember this: Bernie Sanders is not a progressive leader with a consistent history of promoting what is right in a world governed by corruption and arrogance. He is an evil socialist scheming to tax billionaire orphans out of their family fortune. A socialist is someone who advocates that the means of production, distribution, and exchange should be owned or regulated by the community as a whole.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

We Look Back on the Groundbreaking Cartoon Gargoyles Because Seasonal Affective Disorder

Posted on February 20, 2020 by Dan Rice

With its dark tone, complex story arcs, and Shakespearean influence, “Gargoyles” was one of the coolest cartoons of the mid-’90s. What better time to revisit it than today, a day where we just plain don’t feel like getting out of bed? Call out of work, open up a fresh pack of cigarettes and join us as we desperately seek comfort in this action packed slice of nostalgia.

Starring Keith David, Jonathan Frakes, Marina Sirtis, and Edward Asner “Gargoyles” had arguably the most stacked cast of the entire Disney Afternoon lineup. You know what, I’m gonna order up some McDonald’s. Let’s see that’s gonna come to $34.97? I’ve got $36.54 left in my bank account. Perfect.

“Gargoyles” tells the story of Goliath and his band of mythological castle guardians who are betrayed by the very humans they trust the most because that’s just how it fucking goes isn’t it? You can never really trust anybody and nothing fucking works out.

You can pull yourself out of the gutter, get a real job and right when you’re just about back on your feet the sun goes away your brain stops making happy juice and nothing matters. Yup, it’s just like “Gargoyles.”

Wait does my Spotify get charged today? Fuck, this McDonald’s might make me overdraft. Ah, fuck it. Who cares.

Much like me during the cruel and cold winter months, the Gargoyles are fucking useless during the day and restless at night. Man, I wish I could turn to stone. It sounds so peaceful.

The Gargoyles live in a castle on top of a skyscraper with the wealthy capitalist Xanatos, who is also their arch enemy. It is an extremely complicated and uneasy living arrangement, not unlike my own situation here at my sister’s place.

I swear to god if my sister gets on my case about not leaving the fan on when I smoke in the basement I’m going to fucking explode.

Oh, right on cue, here’s an email from my boss telling me it’s “unfortunate” I haven’t been coming in lately and asking me to “touch base” as soon as I am able. Well it’s gonna be a while chief because this cartoon fucking rules. I see no reason to leave this bed let alone step foot out of this house until I have binged all 65 episodes of the original run. Well except to use the bathroom I guess.

Actually, I’m working on a solution to that.

Photo courtesy of Disney Animation

Old Punk Who’s Done So Much for the Scene Completely Unbookable

Posted on February 20, 2020 by Zach Russell

PHILADELPHIA — The entire punk scene of Philadelphia resolved today that promoter, producer, and overall pillar of the scene Stevie Bryant is “completely unbookable,” hushed sources confirmed in the back of the weekly show Bryant produces in his basement.

“There’s no denying Stevie has launched the careers of dozens of young bands from Philly, sometimes paying out of pocket to keep his shows afloat,” said local musician Todd Mahoney. “But, yeah, he sucks. I’d say zero skill, but it’s less — after seeing Stevie play, it takes two weeks on average to even consider enjoying live performance again. Some of us renounced music entirely, and turned to drugs or crime.”

“Plus, he emits a stench that we’ve debated for years, but recently agreed resembles onions rotting in bourbon-soaked hay,” added Mahoney. “Still, Philly musicians would not be where they are today without the efforts of that talentless, smelly alcoholic.”

Greg Flynt, guitarist for local hardcore band MSGenocide, admitted that although he respects everything Bryant has done for the scene, he still actively avoids engaging with older punk.

“Oh, yeah, Stevie is like, the godfather around here: he’s got so many connections from decades of… I dunno, being the only guy who didn’t move to New York?” said Flynt while actively avoiding a “Nice set, dude!” and fist bump from Bryant. “I don’t think I’ve seen anything worse than when his band plays, and I was in Toronto when Radiohead’s stage collapsed and killed a guy. I take no pleasure putting Stevie up last at this open mic I run, but when you spend two years performing Dead Kennedys’ covers set to original, pro-life lyrics, you really give me no choice.”

Despite being booked so sparsely, Bryant is optimistic about his role in the scene.

“I’m actually glad my calendar is almost totally empty, because now I have more time for this rap-metal concept EP I’m working on that tells the story of Tiananmen Square from the perspective of the tanks. It’s fucking dope,” said Bryant while unfurling a gin-stained napkin from his coat containing the song titles. “It’s got tracks like, ‘I’m Just Doing My Job,’ ‘Dad?’ and ‘What’s Going On Up There?’ That last one’s from the fourth tank back.”

At press time, well-connected Seattle scene import Archie Reynolds, of the much-hyped hardcore band Death Petal, was booked for the next three months despite multiple allegations of sexual misconduct.

Punk in 30s Relieved to See Cops End Show Early

Posted on February 19, 2020 by Brett McCabe

LOS ANGELES — Tired, aging 31-year-old punk David Kresner was relieved when police arrived at a record release show last night, prematurely ending the concert in time for him to get a good night’s sleep.

“It’s a shame. I was really looking forward to checking out some of these bands,” said Kresner of the DIY show that took place at a local print shop. “This is honestly sort of a relief, though — my back kind of hurts from standing on these hard floors, and it was already hurting from sitting at work all day, too. And I got this thing tomorrow, so…”

“I guess I’ll just get to go to bed before 11 tonight after all. Sucks for the touring band, though,” he added while ordering food timed to arrive the exact moment he gets home.

While Kresner was relieved to depart early, others did not share his enthusiasm.

“This friggin’ sucks, bro!” exclaimed local teen Reina Tichenor, putting both middle fingers up in the air. “Imp Act was just about to go on when those greasy fucking oinkers came in and busted things up. Everyone was so pissed… except that one guy who kept leaning against the wall all night. I think he was the door guy’s dad or something.”

Indeed, few were happy to see the police, save for a few older show attendees.

“Whenever you break these things up, you get, ‘Fuck you, you fascist pig,’ or, ‘I’m gonna shit in your mailbox, you party-pooping pigs,’ or ‘I’m gonna come to your house and fuck you in the piggyhole and make your family watch while they enjoy an eggplant lasagna I’ve baked with locally-sourced ingredients,” noted officer Kenan Wittaker of the LAPD. “But there was one miserable-looking guy who walked out with his head in his phone who politely thanked me before he found his Lyft.”

At press time, Kresner marked himself “interested” in three more shows at the same venue, all of which he will feel bad about missing despite making no attempt to attend.

Photo by Daniel Caponetto.

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