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Joe Biden Kisses Baby on the Lips

COLUMBIA, S.C. — Former Vice President Joe Biden’s campaign is reeling today after the Democratic contender reportedly kissed a baby square on the lips while campaigning in South Carolina.

“Vice President Biden’s ‘tactile’ form of communicating has been a problem for us this entire campaign,” said campaign manager Greg Schultz. “After several women came forward to say the former Vice President had encroached on their personal space, we were forced to release a video promising to ‘better respect the personal space of lazy-toed sheep wranglers.’ We thought we had things under control following his passionate kiss with his granddaughter, but then this baby thing happened, and we don’t know what the fuck is going on anymore.”

The baby kiss scandal, known as “Babygate,” came directly on the heels of the Presidential contender calling voters in Iowa “rat-lipped woodchucks” and “buck-toothed dairy farmers.”

“This thing is just getting started. It’s time we get back to basics, pressing the flesh,” said Biden. “People hand me babies left and right, and I’m going to kiss them all right on their cute little lips. I’m the only candidate who will go the extra mile and suck on someone’s fingers, gently sniff or caress a neck, or plant a smooch right on the wet mouth of an adorable little baby. Boy or girl, I’ll kiss them all, and that is what we need to defeat Donald Trump.”

Even Biden supporters had a tough time defending his actions.

“Biden has decades of experience ignoring viral videos showing him creep on little girls, shrugging off accounts of him smelling women’s hair, and physically intimidating voters who confront him about his policies… but even this is a bit too far,” said George Sanchez, an undecided voter in South Carolina. “In 2016 I voted for him over Hillary because I didn’t love the underground race of lizard people who spawned her, but now I’m not sure what to do. Mayor Pete hasn’t done anything creepy with toddlers, has he?”

To rekindle flagging support, Biden and his campaign have created a seven-minute commercial spot that is simply a close-up of the former Vice President sensually eating a banana and licking his lips.