Warhammer 40k TV Show to Release in Black and White So Viewers Can Color It to Their Liking

Posted on by Collin Brown

SEATTLE — Warhammer 40,000 showrunner Frank Spotnitz revealed today that the upcoming television show will be released in black and white so fans can color it themselves. 

“When you tackle a franchise as large as Warhammer you have to be very cognizant of the fans,” Spotnitz said. “They’ve been with this series for years and invested a lot of their own time and money into it. They love the lore. They love the setting. They love the strategy. But what do they love above all?” 

“Above all else, Warhammer is about coloring.”

Spotnitz gave a demonstration of the technology developed by Wizards of the Coast to enable coloring of TV. 

“You’re going to have access to all of the brushes and colors you’ve loved using on your miniatures,” Spotnitz continued.  “But if you don’t want to subscribe to our service, we’re also offering a bunch of markers you can use to just draw all over your TV.”

When asked about how fans would feel about having to pay twice for a TV show, Spotnitz said he was confident they would be interested.

“Look, I don’t think we have to worry about what these fans will be willing to pay. If you’ve seen some of their setups then you know these guys love to shell out the dough for this stuff,” he explained. “Honestly, it saves us a bunch of money on set and costume design. We can’t wait to see what the fans come up with, and WOTC is very excited for this opportunity to move digital merchandise. It’s a win win for everyone.”

As of press time, Wizards of the Coast announced they were also creating a Dungeons and Dragons TV show, allowing viewers to submit scripts so they roleplay the story themselves.

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I Will Defeat Fascism Once I Find a Sharpie for This Banjo

Posted on by Alex Salcido

Government oppression has tightened its grip on our nation. The signs pointing to fascism’s rise have never loomed greater. The Trump administration, with their unscrupulous Trojan horsing of authoritarian rule, systemic oppression, and emboldened white supremacy, are the harbingers of a fascist turn for the future of our nation.

And I will defeat this fascist evil once and for all just as soon as I find a sharpie to write some cool anti-authority phrases on this banjo.

In our hardest, most hopeless times I take solace in folk music and its comforting reminders that despite our collective darkness, there are still human beings out there fighting for truth, humanity, and goodness. Take this one folk singer Willow. She started playing my open mic recently, and is super cool, super hot, and plays this banjo that reads “This Machine Eats The Rich.” She and I have been vibing a little even though she’s with this lanky creep named Horace. I plan to change Willow’s relationship status along with this entire fascist nation, just as soon as I find a goddamn sharpie.

I’m thinking something like, “This Machine Resists.” Is that too much like Willow’s? Or is that okay because they’re both a play on Woody Guthrie’s classic “This Machine Kills Fascists?” Either way, we speak alt-right neo Nazis are tightening their grip on America faster than Horace’s grip on Willow’s heart and I need to act NOW.

Seriously, I’ll take a crayon at this point.

If I’m out there just playing a blank banjo, what am I even doing? It an empty gesture. I need something to let people know I’m a fascist fighter. A fasc…fighter? A fasc…ter? I need them to know I’m anti-fascist but I guess there’s just no way to shorten that without sounding like an asshole.

But, I swear to you, by next Wednesday’s open mic at Bluebeard Coffee Shop (7 pm-10 pm), I’ll have learned some Pete Seeger tunes (I think he was Bob’s dad) and, by our tatted banjos combined, Willow and I shall overcome, hand in hand.

Now, before I go fight for our freedom let me ask again, do you have a Sharpie? This is a pawn shop. You have eight banjos up on the wall but no working Sharpies? Capitalist swine.

This pawn shop, Horace, and all you fascists are going down just as soon as I find a Walmart.

Climate Scientist’s Grim Report Says We Only Have Seven More “Fast and Furious” Movies

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Scientists at the Gibson Institute of Environmental Studies issued a stunning new report yesterday, claiming the devastating effects of climate change could mean society will only experience seven more movies in the ever-expanding “Fast and Furious” universe.

“The main question we’ve been getting is, ‘Does this include spin-offs?’ And the answer, unfortunately, is yes: if studios greenlight another ‘Hobbes and Shaw,’ this will count towards the movie total, even if nobody wants that sequel,” said lead researcher Emily Lieu. “Our hope is to have seven movies with the family intact, but we know with rising temperatures across the globe, more extreme storms, and the behind-the-scenes drama between The Rock and Vin Diesel, that even this prediction is a best-case scenario.”

Researchers believe that, although the news is bad, there is still a chance to reverse course.

“We’ve all been living our lives a quarter mile at a time, and often those quarter miles are spent alone in your car. So carpooling is a great place to start,” said Dr. Emmanuel Lincoln. “Public transportation, although very uncool, is a great way to reduce your carbon footprint — we’ll need more gas for the stunt-driving in the ‘Fast’ movies, so we can’t afford to be selfish. Also, when street racing, try to conserve your supply of NOS: this is a nonrenewable source of energy, and releases an exorbitant amount of greenhouse gasses into the air.”

“Fast and Furious” star Vin Diesel tried to reassure fans that even though the ice caps are melting and the world is burning, the antics of the Toretto clan will be around for years to come.

“Family is the most important thing there is. It’s more important than having clean air to breathe; it’s more important than having potable water to drink — without family, you’re nothing,” said Diesel in an angry whisper. “And if you want your family to survive, you need to trust me. Now is not the time to be asking questions: what you should be doing is making sure the cast and producers of ‘Fast and Furious’ have enough water for rainy fight scenes, and enough oil to have our cars lubed and ready to drive really, really fast.”

After viewing the report, Disney executives will reportedly take full advantage of what time we have left, greenlighting another 450 “Star Wars” movies to be released next year.

Bloomberg Uses Money Cheat Code to Access Debate Stage

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LAS VEGAS —  Alleged Democratic Presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg has reportedly exploited a cheat code which converts his collected funds into access to tonight’s Democratic Debate. 

“‘I’m sorry, but how is this even remotely fair?” asked Lynnette Caldwell, a registered Democratic voter and Las Vegas resident. “Whether you like them or not, no one can deny that everyone else on this stage got here by fighting their way through each level of this campaign and besting their competitors. For someone to show up late like this and just get right on stage, well I don’t know, it sort of makes the whole game feel trivial.” 

Bloomberg defended his use of the exploit, claiming there was nothing immoral about employing a strategic advantage. 

“I know I’m being portrayed as some sort of out of touch billionaire that is trying to buy his way in, but that’s not true,” said Bloomberg. “I’m just like all of you, I have the guy put my pants on one leg at a time. I just need to do everything I can to get my message heard by the American people. It would appear that they’re not interested, so I had to do what I had to do!” 

The money cheat code is famously one of the biggest bugs in the programming of the democracy engine. Other notable hackers who have abused it in the past to great results include Steve Forbes, Ross Perot, and Betsy DeVos.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

We Sat Down with Rob Zombie’s Dad, Jim Zombie

Posted on by Cory Cousins

From his work with 90s industrial metal band White Zombie to his movies, even that silly one with the little person playing an evil clown Nazi, Rob Zombie has tapped into the zeitgeist of marginally talented musicians and filmmakers. But what does his family think of all his success?

Recently we had the pleasure of talking with Rob Zombie’s father, Jim Zombie, after accidentally calling our tip line instead of Red Lobster customer service. He agreed to an exclusive interview with The Hard Times in exchange for our promise to do something about the consistency of his Cheddar Bay Butter Biscuits.

The Hard Times: Thanks again, Mr. Zombie, for allowing us to come over to your house to interview you, so our readership can gain some insight into the humble beginnings of your son, Rob Zombie.

Jim Zombie: Don’t sit on that chair! That chair belonged to my great-great-grandfather, Elmer Willard Zombie, the patriarch of the infamous New Hampshire Zombies!

Oh shit, sorry! I’ll just stand over here.

Watch your mouth!

Yes, of course. My apologies. Also please excuse my ignorance but I’m not sure I’m familiar with the New Hampshire Zombies? 

Well before my jackass son tarnished the Zombie name with all of his loud noises and horror crap we were mostly known as socialites and men about town. Go to any nautical museum on the east coast and you’re bound to see an old photo of a zombie man enjoying a pleasure cruise. 

If you would, please paint a picture for us about how Rob got interested in creating art. What/who were his inspirations at a young age? 

Robert was always talking about those trashy horror movies like the one with that hulking simpleton wearing someone’s face as a mask, wielding a chainsaw. Just disgusting. I don’t see how a decent person can enjoy such a thing.

Interesting. I can see how The Texas Chainsaw Massacre has influenced his style. Speaking of which, it’s been said that Rob designed his stage show based on his adoration of rock legend, Alice Cooper. Would you say that’s accurate?

I suppose so. Robert started growing his beard long like a bum, wearing frilly, ripped-up clothes, and playing the guitar. I tried to correct his behavior by beating the shit out of him and sending him to a well respected wayward youth academy, but he just kept on defying me at every turn. Tough little bastard.

So you don’t appreciate your son’s work at all?

Work?! You call dressing up like a weirdo and making a bunch of damn trash noise work? Work is something you do with your hands, sonny! 

But your son is an artist…

Poppycock! He is a disgrace to the Zombie name! Aside from that movie 31 he has done nothing of artistic merit! 

Weird Choice. Any parting words for our audience?

Marriage should be between a man and a woman. And we should keep the races separ…

Ok then! Gotta go!

Alabama Punk Prepares for Another Drive to Atlanta to Support Local Scene

Posted on by Adam Martin

ENTERPRISE, Ala. — Local guitarist and small-town punk Jill Keeley is planning an hours-long drive across state lines today in order to support her local scene in Atlanta, Ga., confused sources confirm.

“After I fill up on gas, it’s really just a question of how many times I can listen to Minor Threat’s ‘Complete Discography’ or which audiobook I’m gonna load up for the trip,” said Keeley. “Actually, I guess I also have to figure out where I’m crashing, or if I can afford another tank of gas for the drive all the way back… but that’s just part of supporting the local scene, three-and-a-half hours away.”

Fellow Enterprise resident and Keeley’s bandmate Mona Beckett commended her friend.

“Jill’s always going on about how there’s nothing to do here in town, and how every major tour always skips over us,” said Beckett. “But she says Enterprise is basically South Auburn, and Auburn is basically West Georgia, so we’re practically neighbors with Atlanta, which makes sense to me. The closest we’ve gotten to a local gig lately is having our band Resident Weevil get invited to play the annual Boll Weevil Festival, which, based on the crowd reaction, was totally an accident and is unlikely to ever happen again.”

Atlanta venue owner and local booking manager Neal Russ is unsure why Keeley insists on traveling nearly 500 miles roundtrip to show her support for the Atlanta scene, rather than her own.

“Yeah… Jill’s been coming out here at least two to three times a month, so I assumed she was local at first,” said Russ. “But when she asked about having her band play, I asked for some references to other clubs they’d been at, and all I got were phone numbers to a VFW hall in Alabama and a pizza place I’d never heard of. I tried calling them in late November, but they were closed for a private party for the Iron Bowl. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad for the business, but I don’t understand why she travels all this way.”

At press time, Russ was confronting Keeley about why she didn’t just go to Birmingham and have her band play shows there, to which she replied, “And drive on Highway 280?! Fuck that.”

Weed Guy Totally Knows Crisp $50 Bill Came from Grandma

Posted on by Luke Woodward

RICHMOND, Va. — Small-time weed dealer Joel Dilts confirmed today that he knew the crisp $50 bill he received yesterday from a regular customer for an eighth of “some top-shelf shit” definitely came from the buyer’s grandma.

“You gotta understand the history here,” Dilts began as he finished rolling up his morning joint. “This is the same guy who’s hit me up for five-sacks every weekend night for the past eight months — and sure, he’s always on time and super friendly, but like, come on dude, get it together and just buy in bulk. So when I saw that fresh $50 without even a slight crease in the middle, I knew it must’ve been his birthday last week or something, and that at least one of his grandmothers is still alive.”

For his part, customer Robert Murphy believed his stoned subterfuge was undetectable to Dilts, who couldn’t care less where the money came from.

“Oh, yeah… there’s no way he’s gonna know I’m blowing all the money my grandmother specifically told me ‘not to spend on pot’ on some dank shit,” Murphy chuckled. “If he asks, I’ll just tell him I moved and got my security deposit back. He’s a nice guy and he never leaves me on read if he’s out and waiting to get more, but I don’t think he’s the frostiest nug in the bag, if you catch my drift. He doesn’t even say anything when I try to trade bud for gift cards just before the new year. It’s almost too easy.”

Dilts noted he’s had a few instances where money from elderly relatives was blatantly obvious.

“When December 26th hits, I always get flooded with people who are all of a sudden looking for weight… but sometimes, the random holidays will hit too,” Dilts explained. “Last end of September, I totally got a couple bills straight from Rosh Hashanah cards. I even had a good buddy of mine hit me up at the end of May with some of that sweet Eid money.”

At press time, Robert’s grandmother Kate Murphy was seen crossing state lines to visit multiple dispensaries with her freshly cashed social security check.

We Tried Shooting Fish in a Barrel but We Dropped the Gun and Now the Fish Have the Gun and We’re Scared

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

In the event that there are any marine biologists, firearm experts, or, I dunno, active coast guard members reading this, we need help NOW. Earlier today The Hard Times staff were in the midst of “firearm Friday,” which happened to coincide with “high on paint fumes” February, and things got a little out of hand.

Topics of conversation ranged from assassinating various heads of state and wondering if shooting fish in a barrel was as easy as they say. That’s when one of our more proactive writers got the idea of stealing a bunch of fish and putting it to the test. The barrel one. Not the assassination one.

So we grease up a couple of salmon and take them back to the Hard Times lab. We’re kidding, we don’t have a lab! It was actually our poser cold storage unit. A few minutes of fish taunting and gun twirling later, we dropped our gun in the barrel. Looks like it’s the fish’s gun now and there’s no telling what those scaly bastards will do with it.

We’re not idiots. We’re 70% certain that fish do not have the necessary digits to operate a firearm. However, the fish hold all the cards right now and I’m not taking any chances. What are they gonna do? Band together and form as one with the barrel, creating some kind of gun-toting barrel-fish hybrid?!

Okay shit, let’s plan for the worst. Assuming they took all of our aforementioned taunts to heart, we’re thinking they’ve got half a mind to de-bone us and eat us alive. We said that to them a lot. Maybe we deserve this.

I’m not sure if they’ll barter with us but if we could acquire a little tiny sunken treasure chest we could probably strike up an arrangement. Plus, and we want to stress this, sexual favors are not off the table.

Either way, we’re gonna get a head start by stripping naked and hoping in the barrel.

Desperate Volcano Willing to Accept Virgins Who Have Only Done Butt Stuff

Posted on by Teri Donahugh

HILO, Hawaii — Active volcano Mauna Loa retracted it’s strict “virgins only” policy last week and is now open to accepting sacrifices of people who have only engaged in ass play, sources known to commune with the volcano confirmed.

“Look, I’m not happy about this. I’d prefer virgins fresh as the driven snow, with a hymen as thick as a cow’s tongue,” lamented Mauna Loa while churning molten lava. “But times change. Girls experiment more than they used to before letting a big ol’ salami in through the front door. And a volcano’s gotta eat — it doesn’t even matter if they are ‘my type’ at this point. I’m open to any sorts of women; just toss ‘em on down.”

However, longtime Hilo resident Kai Iona was doubtful any virgins were ever sacrificed to the volcano in the first place.

“I’ve heard stories that this may have been a practice that happened thousands of years ago, and you definitely see it in movies… but nobody here is throwing anyone into that volcano,” said Iona. “Don’t get me wrong: we don’t want that sucker erupting. I have a car dealership right at the base, and I’d be fucked if the volcano blew its top.”

Vulcanist Dr. Janice Pleatherwood explained that, while virgin sacrifice was once thought to be an effective strategy against eruption, not every volcano has the same definition of what constitutes “sex” or how one exactly “loses their virginity.”

“Krakatoa, infamous for the largest eruption in human history in 1883, had been warning for years that it considered ‘just the tip’ as a clear loss of virginity,” said Pleatherwood. “And that one volcano in Pompeii lost it when someone fed it a ‘virgin’ who’d been known around town to be quite talented with her hands, if you catch my drift.”

Mauna Loa may not be alone in bemoaning a lack of sacrifices. Lono, a once-feared Hawaiian rain and fertility god, was allegedly overhead bellowing from the heavens, “I used to get still-beating hearts sacrificed to me. Now I’m lucky to get leftover ‘Locks of Love’ donations.”

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