Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Final Fantasy 7 Remake Preorder Bonus Includes One-Third of a Keychain

Posted on February 18, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

TOKYO — Square Enix has revealed a list of GameStop preorder bonuses for the upcoming Final Fantasy VII Remake, which includes one-third of a keychain that will eventually look like Cloud Strife once the other two-thirds are made are available.

The keychain, which only depicts Cloud’s legs and part of his buster sword, will be available to any players who preorder Final Fantasy VII Remake, which only covers the Midgar sections of the original game. While incomplete, the keychain fragment appears to be incredibly detailed, which already has fans excited to get their hands on the rest of the trinket eventually.

“We’ve put a tremendous amount of time and work into the game’s preorder bonuses,” proudly explained Square Enix CEO Yosuke Matsuda. “We think that diehard Final Fantasy fans will love toting this special piece of memorabilia around with them, once they get the piece that lets them connect it to a keyring. We’re still hard at work on that part.”

Several retailers have revealed their own exclusive bonuses as well. Preordering the game at Best Buy will give fans the back cover of a steelbook case for the game. Meanwhile, Amazon is offering players a new in-game costume for Barret, though it will not include pants at launch.

Square Enix promises that there will be no shortage of merchandise to celebrate the game’s release. Players can already order a new art book for the game, which features a single piece of gorgeous new concept art across 34 pages.

“I’m so pumped to celebrate the re-release of one of my all-time favorite games,” Reddit user RevengeOfCaitSith posted about the announcement. “I’m going to get all the merch that I can now, since I’ll only have two or three or four more opportunities like this, depending on how many parts they’re splitting this remake into.”

GameStop has stated that excited fans looking to secure future preorder deals can start putting down $1.66 on the next installment of Final Fantasy VII Remake, which is slated to release sometime between Summer 2022 and Spring 2099.

Check out the newest episode of our podcast, The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! Show:

I Don’t Care How Many Hits He Wrote, Paul McCartney Is Still a Fucking Bassist and I Will Never Respect Him

Posted on February 18, 2020 by John Danek

Who is your favorite Beatle? Some choose the harder-rocking, experimental John Lennon. Others prefer the technical expertise of George Harrison. Hipster contrarians make compelling arguments for Ringo Starr’s unsung genius even though their opinions are just about as worthless as Ringo himself. All acceptable answers! Because in this debate there is only one wrong answer: the goddamn bassist.

Paul McCartney is a bassist first and foremost. I don’t care what other instruments he played or how many hit songs he wrote. You wouldn’t introduce a member of ISIS to your family as “The best euchre player I’ve ever met… oh and also he’s in ISIS.” The evil within a man must take precedence.

If I were president, I would demand that every bass lesson start with a tutorial on how to breathe through the nose. None of those mouth-breathers get it. Stop drooling all over that fretless Stingray, dickhead.

But I digress. Paul’s hits aren’t even that good. “The Long and Boring Road?” “Maxwell’s Silver Dildo?” “Sgt. Pepper’s Incel Emo VFW Band?” Give me a break. If someone were to hold a gun to my head, then sure, I’d admit that “Live and Let Die” slaps. But even a broken bassist is accidentally going to find the right root note twice per day.

“Octopus’s Garden” is my favorite Beatles song. And you know who wrote it? A Beatle who was neither a bassist nor a wife-beater. That’s right, it’s your boy Ringo– the everyman of the group. You won’t see Ringo palling around with James Corden in a Nissan Altima singing “Yellow Submarine” like some corporate puppet. No, he’s busy throwing up peace signs like some hippie gangbanger.

Loved ones have countered my arguments with rebuttals like “You’re just mad because every bassist you’ve ever had leaves you for a better band” or “Dude, just admit that you secretly play bass. Let go of this misplaced hate.” And to that I say, you and Paul McCartney can take your trash guitars and shove them right up Les Claypool’s syncopated ass.

Musician’s Funeral Turnout Pretty Good For a Tuesday Night

Posted on February 18, 2020 by Issa Diao

TACOMA, Wash. — The funeral for moderately popular local musician Adam Klein was rather well-attended despite being held on a Tuesday night, sources who waited in line to pay their respects for almost an hour confirmed.

“We aren’t at capacity, but this is certainly more than I expected on a weeknight,” said funeral director Maury Templeton. “I need to put out more coffee and orange juice, because these mourners are just cranking through it. And I might have to call in another greeter — I only have one on staff tonight, and with a turnout like this, she might get fatigued from all the ‘sorry for your loss’ and ‘down the hall on the right’ messages she gives everyone at the door.”

Friends of the deceased musician say a lot of hard work went into getting the word out about the funeral.

“As soon as we had a date and venue, we really started pounding the pavement to get people to come out. We had a full street team hanging posters on telephone poles and handing out flyers outside of shows,” said Ruby Lippset, a long-time fan of Klein. “I personally paid for a half-page ad in the Tacoma Weekly advertising the funeral, along with a :30-second radio spot that played on a few of the local rock radio stations. It’s important that everyone gets their chance to say goodbye.”

However, members of Klein’s family admitted they were frustrated by what they described as “fairweather Adam” fans crowding the proceedings.

“This is such a joke. They’ve probably only known about Adam for like, two or three years, tops. I’ve known this kid since he was negative days old,” said Klein’s mother, Rachel Klein. “I don’t remember seeing any of these people at his second grade music recital, or his 10th birthday when he got his first guitar. Can they even name three times I had to change his sheets because he wet the bed until he was 14? I fucking doubt it. Stay out of the front row and quit filming all the readings from the Bible on your fucking phones.”

At press time, most of the attendees were planning to go to a nearby Denny’s for a post-funeral meal.

Review: It’s Not Out for Months But We’re Just Going to Assume ‘The Last of Us 2’ is Really Good

Posted on February 17, 2020 by Tyler Simpson

The Last of Us 2 isn’t out until May 29th, but we’re going to go ahead and assume that it’s really, really good, and a candidate for Game of the Year.

To begin, have you seen the trailers for it? We already know that the graphics are top notch, which is something we like to put too much weight on anyway, so that’s at least an 8/10 for that alone.

Then we have the gameplay, which we haven’t sampled a single second of, but is sure to be incredibly responsive and fun to engage with. We’re positive it plays exactly like in the preview videos, which kicked major ass. Did you see when Ellie slid through that little gap then shot an explosive arrow at that one dude? That’s what’s up.

The story itself hasn’t been revealed but we have no doubt there’s going to be a scene somewhere that we would describe as extremely emotional and some of Naughty Dog’s best work to date. Every game Naughty Dog makes is always their best work to date, so there’s a strong chance that will be the case here.

We do have a few critiques that we’re sure will pop up throughout the single player campaign. The third act will probably be a little long in the tooth because they may run out of enemy variety or combat scenarios have become repetitive. That didn’t happen in the last game, but sequels tend to bite off more than they can chew sometimes when it comes to story. This game will probably be guilty of that, but we will forgive it because I bet there is just going to be so much to like about it.

All in all, The Last of Us 2 will most likely be an epic journey featuring heart wrenching moments and edge of your seat gameplay. We are going to go out on a limb here and give it a Probably 10 out of 10.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Folk-Punk Band Accidentally Books Paid Gig

Posted on February 17, 2020 by Genevieve Daanjur

ASHEVILLE, N.C. — Local folk-punk band Monte and the Paupers surprised themselves last week, accidentally booking a gig that would actually pay them for their time.

“We’re used to playing out in front of grocery stores or gazebos at public parks, and taking whatever cash people are willing to throw in a bucket,” said mandolin player and defacto frontman Monte D’Amico. “By some stroke of luck, we actually got asked to play on the patio of a nearby bar. They gave us four drink tickets to split between the 16 of us, and told us we’ll get another $40 at the end of the night. I thought it was a cruel prank at first, but it seems like it’s all real. I’m thinking we spend half the money and invest the rest to set us up for the future.”

Pat Lister, the music booker for Abbie’s Tavern, claimed he’s never had a band be so appreciative following a performance.

“They were so confused when I handed them a check. I swear, I think one of them started to cry,” said Lister. “Even though they were all very sweet people, they were easily the worst smelling band I’ve booked, despite having both a washboard player and a washtub bassist.”

The band’s mascot/manager, a Cairn terrier named Bongo, will reportedly pursue more paid gigs for the band in the future.

“This was the first time in a long while where I got to eat real food following a gig. I didn’t have to dig pizza crust out of the trash and fight over it with the guy who hits a handsaw with a stick,” said Bongo. “If we can play a few more shows that pay as much as the last one, we should be able to get enough cash to bribe the security guard at the railyard to look the other way so we can ride the rails and do a proper east coast tour. The possibilities are endless.”

Following their sudden success, accusations that the band has “sold out” are already flying, with fans pointing out that two members of Monte and the Paupers were spotted buying cigarettes at full price instead of their usual method of finding half smoked stubs in the parking lot.

Woah! Brian’s Dad Has a Real Gun! Pew Pew!

Posted on February 17, 2020 by Dan Luberto

No way!

Check it out!

You won’t believe it!

Woah.

Get over here!

I didn’t believe it but it’s true; take a look for yourself!

Brain’s dad has a real gun!

And guess what?

He doesn’t keep it locked!

Bang bang!! Pew pew!! Boom!!!

Awesome! It’s so cool that Brian’s dad just has this! I wish my dad had one, but he doesn’t.

Seriously, you need to invite yourself over to Brian’s! That’s what I did! He even said sometimes his dad plays with it too! All you have to do is get him beer from the fridge in their garage and he waved it around and yells! It’s like playing war mixed with Halo.

Brian’s dad even shoots things in their backyard and one time he pointed it at Brian and his mom!

I’m so jealous it’s like they get to play real life Call of Duty! All my dad does is hug me.

Lame-O!

Seriously, Brian’s house is so cool, he has a quad and a dirt bike too!

Brian’s life is so cool.

Every time I go there his dad does something cool! He yells and throws food and when Brian spilled his Mountain Dew on the carpet his dad threw him into the wall! It was like Dragon Ball Z! Brian cried and his mom drove me home and told me not to say anything, but I couldn’t believe it! Brian lives with real life Goku mixed with AJ Styles!

Here take a look at this gun! You can see in the barrel up close how cool it is!

Bang!!!!!

So cool!

Wasted Friend Offers Play-by-Play of Ass Kicking She Would Have Given Dude Who Cut You in Line if He Tried Pulling That Shit on Her

Posted on February 17, 2020 by Krissy Howard

FLATWOODS, Ky. — Local woman and sloppy-wasted friend Kara Stanley offered a play-by-play account moments ago of the “absolute ass-kicking” she would’ve given that dude who cut you in line at the gas station this morning if he tried pulling that bullshit on her, according to sources.

“Oh, hell no, dude. Fuck that shit!” an agitated Stanley yelled, immediately after you began explaining how a man cut in front of you while you attempted to buy an iced tea at the Super Quick. “If that was me, dude, I would’ve tapped him on the shoulder and been — no, wait, I would’ve thrown that tea at his fucking stupid head, kicked him in the fucking dick, and then I’d literally shit on him. I fucking swear to God, I would pull my pants down and fucking shit on him. I dare any motherfucker here to try to pull something like that on me and see what happens!”

Eye witnesses were reportedly entertained by Stanley’s promise to beat up the “piece of shit cock-ass” in question.

“She cussed a whole lot, and just kept yelling, ‘You don’t know me’ every other minute,” recalled local man Donny Orta. “My brother and I used to be really into the backyard wrestling scene, but seeing a shitfaced, 90-pound thing acting out a simultaneous choke hold/roundhouse kick combination without spilling a single drop of her Long Island iced tea is some of the most entertaining shit I’ve seen in years.”

Despite Stanley’s confident review of the brutal ass-beating, those close to her confirm she’d never do anything remotely confrontational in real-life situations.

“I love Kara, but that girl talks so much shit when she’s drunk, even though she’d never do anything remotely offensive if something like that happened to her,” claimed Stanley’s roommate Tasha Nicks. “I remember when her cell phone provider overcharged her and she went off about it for like 20 minutes, talking about how she was gonna tear everyone at Boost Mobile a new asshole. But I overheard her on the call, which lasted about 30 seconds — she got super quiet, said ‘thanks’ a bunch, and somehow ended up apologizing to them.”

Stanley allegedly later foretold exactly how the email in which she tells her boss to “fuck off and eat shit” would read to a stranger in the restroom who was trying to make a phone call.

We Look Back on Bright Eyes “Fevers and Mirrors” and Feel Absolutely Nothing, What’s Wrong With Us?

Posted on February 17, 2020 by Dan Rice

It’s hard to believe that Bright Eyes’ “Fevers and Mirrors” was released almost 20 years ago. It’s even harder to believe that upon revisiting this album we braced ourselves… and felt nothing. What the fuck is going on?

“Fevers and Mirrors” begins with a recording of a child reading a short story by Marjorie W. Sharmat, a stylized choice that we once thought set the perfect tone. Imagine our surprise when, upon revisiting, we found ourselves skipping over that part of the track immediately, muttering “Yeah yeah, I get it” to ourselves.

Tracks 2 and 3, “A Scale, a Mirror and Those Indifferent Clocks” and “The Calendar Hung Itself” were anthems to us during the most emotionally turbulent times of our lives. Today, they do nothing. It’s not like we thought it would hit us the same way it did in our late teen years. We weren’t expecting a compulsion to grab some whiskey and a pack of cigarettes and sit in the park at night in a fog of melancholy like the good old days. But nothing? Seriously?

Track 4 is titled “Something Vague” which is exactly what we would settle for. Even the faintest hint of emotion, if only out of respect to how important this music once was to us, would totally help us sleep tonight, but it didn’t deliver.

Deciding it was time to break out the big guns we skipped straight to track 7, “When the Curious Girl Realizes She Is Under Glass,” a song so gut-wrenchingly sad that Conor Oberst refused to play it live. Surely this would give us all the feels again, right? Wrong. It might as well have been a commercial jingle.

Seriously, didn’t this song once cut us to our core? Or was it just the ambient piano and the fact we were high a lot?

Have our tastes changed or is our capacity for emotion just diminishing more and more as time goes on? Is this how death starts?

We didn’t even bother with the rest. We got up and went for a long walk. After that song failed to move us we tried to remember the last time we were moved by anything and drew a blank. We feel numb and apathetic. And feeling that makes us feel alone and sad.

And feeling that makes us want to listen to “Fevers and Mirrors” again!

Man Watches Entire Show Through The Gauged Ear Of Guy In Front Of Him

Posted on February 17, 2020 by Gary Doyle

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Local concertgoer Sam Byrne watched the entirety of Knife Rat’s set last night through the gauged ear of the man in front of him, disgusted sources report.

“I was doing just fine until this 6’7” monster did the old, ‘Oh, hey, my friends are up there’ routine to push his way right in front of me,” recounted an angry Byrne. “I tried maneuvering my head around, but I couldn’t get a good view of the stage. Thankfully, he had a gauged earlobe I could watch through… but it wasn’t even a proper gauge, it was one of those gross, half-healed drooping holes that look like a distended cat anus.”

“Yeah, I could have moved,” Byrne added, “but that would’ve been admitting defeat, and I refuse to lose a fight with someone who doesn’t even know I’m mad at them.”

Venue staff took note of the unrequited animosity between the two men.

“I always look out for tall dudes in the crowd,” laughed bartender Steven Nolan. “Behind every guy who looks like he should be in the NBA, there’s a normal-sized dude getting really pissed off. You’ll normally see the shorter guy subtly push the taller dude or maybe drive an elbow into the guy’s back — once, we even had a short guy try to sneak in a stepladder to stand on. But this time was really grim. I’d never seen someone just give up and watch the show through an orifice.”

Members of Knife Rat admitted they noticed the grim display from the stage.

“Its something I’ve seen more and more throughout the years,” explained singer Tommy Reynolds. “People complain about audiences watching shows through their cell phone screens, but what really gets me is only being able to see the crowd through gauges. I hate just spotting glimpses of peoples’ faces like that, because it makes me paranoid — it feels like they’re spying on me, like they’re the little FBI agents in my webcam.”

Salvaging his evening, Byrne eventually held his phone’s camera right up to the ear hole, resulting in a pretty great vignette effect.

XFL Player Turns Heel by Ripping off Jersey to Reveal Opposing Team’s Jersey

Posted on February 16, 2020 by Matt Wassung

HOUSTON — Houston Roughnecks quarterback P.J. Walker turned heel earlier today by hitting several teammates with a steel chair and then ripping off his jersey to reveal a St. Louis Battlehawks uniform, heartbroken fans in attendance confirmed.

“Good God! What is P.J. Walker doing? No!” XFL commentator Steve Levy screamed.as Walker began high fiving his new Viper teammates and flipping off fans. “This man has turned his back on all the fans who have looked up to him for a whole week when the XFL started again. What a disgrace, this is not what the XFL stands for.”

Walker, praised as a franchise cornerstone, locker room leader, and role model for his “Good Guy” persona, was met with boos and heartbreak by dedicated fans.

“I just found out about him like a week ago and I really thought he was a swell guy. He would always talk about not doing drugs, eating your vegetables, and making good choices in life,” said fan Colin Woods. “What he did was flat wrong. I have seen many football games where people get concussed or whatever. That’s just part of the game, but a steel chair to the back of your entire offensive line? That’s just over the line in my opinion. This does not set a good example for kids who also want to play in this league.”

As trash rained down on the field from disgusted fans, Walker was unapologetic and welcomed all of the hate towards him.

“I’m a Battlehawk now, and It’s time I stopped living for other people and start living for me,” sneered Walker during a television timeout, who now was wearing sunglasses smoking a cigarette. “These stupid fans want me to be some hero, but look where that got me. I’m a bad boy who gets all the girls, men want to be me, women want to be with me. I look forward to coming to your town and talk about how ugly and stupid you are after putting up 69 points on your loser team.”

At press time, Silvers began the 3rd quarter on the Battlehawks sideline mocking fans and distracting the refs so the Battlehawks could commit holding penalties and hit other Battlehawks players with brass knuckles and throwing them through tables.

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