Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Big Game Hunter Convention Planned Suspiciously Close to Furry Convention

Posted on February 16, 2020 by Peter Casciato

SIOUX CITY, Iowa — Furries in Iowa planning a day of revelry, debauchery, and good times were shocked to learn that a big game hunting convention was being hosted suspiciously closeby to theirs.

“It was weird,” said Jeff Harris, the front desk clerk at the Marriott. “Most of the time people don’t care what other events are happening at the hotel, but these guys really, really wanted to know if the furries were going to be there. They’re very curious about it, and I’m not sure I like any of the possible reasons for that.”

Harris said several of the hunting convention’s attendees approached him with prolonged lines of questioning, making him grow increasingly concerned for the well being of the furries, despite the lack of any clear threats.

“I asked them if they had a preference for which conference room they wanted and the guy on the phone said ‘Far enough away that it will be sporting,’” he said. “I didn’t know what that meant so I put them in the one next to the gym. You don’t think they would … no, no, there’s no way.”

Some of the participants in the Furry Convention went on record to state that they were uncomfortable with the amount of attention they were getting from the nearby hunters.

“Listen, furries are a very open and welcoming community,” said a man dressed as a lizard. “But if I’m being honest, these hunters freak me out. With their stupid costumes and lifestyles based around being strangely into the animals they kill. Seems pretty abnormal, if you ask me. I’m going to keep my distance from those freaks if I see any of them around.”

The hunters have yet to respond to a request for comment, as they were too busy preparing head mounts and treestands for the coming weekend.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Socially Awkward Anarchist Unsure of Right Moment to Start Riot

Posted on February 16, 2020 by Kaitlyn Jeffers

WASHINGTON — Local anarchist and socially awkward person Cynthia Mejia paced outside of The World Bank for nearly two hours this morning, unsure how and when to incite a riot without “making it be all weird,” masked sources confirmed.

“I saw her sort of shifting around on the sidewalk, with a brick in one hand and biting her nails on the other,” said bank worker Serena Ko, who was on a 15-minute work break when Mejia arrived. “She stood around the entrance for a while until the guy near the front yelled at her for cutting the line, and then she scurried off. I saw her down the street sifting through her bag and she finally just stared at her phone for a while, but she was obviously looking at nothing. So weird.”

Others in attendance awaiting the cue from Mejia fled the scene after realizing they were entirely unprepared to take the initiative.

“I assumed because she’s an Admin in the Subreddit that she’d lead the charge, but then nothing happened,” said a nervous young man who asked to be attributed as, “just put Bill… wait, is that weird? Sorry, I don’t know.” “I didn’t really see what she was doing because I was staring down at my feet. I had to pee so bad, but I don’t think there’s anywhere on this block that’ll let you just use the bathroom.”

Local organizer Ted Kowalski claimed that social awkwardness among self-described anarchists is a fairly common occurrence.

“Each week we’ll have no less than 30 people who were bored at work, scrolling through Instagram and saw some ‘Young Turks’ video or read one Orwell quote that made them think they’re anarchists,” Kowalski added. “The sad reality is that most of these people can’t even correct a barista who put the wrong milk substitute in their latte, never mind beat the shit out of a fascist security guard.”

“It’s not uncommon for protestors to get cold feet, which is why we try to force the shyest of our new recruits to literally throw the first stone,” he added. “It really separates the badasses from the punk-ass bitches.”

Mejia was last seen visibly sweating and yelling “I’m sorry!” over and over to no one in particular while running away.

Woah! This Guy’s Trying to Move Down to the City Soon

Posted on February 16, 2020 by Erin McLaughlin

Oh shit! This brave 30-year-old up-and-coming stand up comedian, amateur photographer, local guitarist, and aspiring actor/model Kenny Key is totally gonna try to move down to the city soon! Probably sometime between March to October. Maybe this year but if not, then definitely next year.

Kenny explained his super awesome plans to us. “I watched Steve Martin’s Master Class and he said that if I want to go anywhere in comedy I need to be in New York so I’m trying to move down to the city soon. That way I can hit up, like, ten open mics every night. I just need to find a place in Brooklyn or somewhere for less than $700 per month. I haven’t started looking yet but I found my place here in Columbus in a like a week so I’ve got time. I asked some dudes in my band if they wanna get in on a lease with me and everyone says they’re ‘def interested’ so I think it’ll all work out.”

Wow. So fucking cool. If only more people had the kind of drive that Kenny does there’d be a lot more people out there chasing their dreams! But what about finances? Well, Kenny’s got that figured out too.

“A few years back I was gonna start looking for jobs so I can move out of my parents’ house but then I figured why get a job here when I’m gonna move to the city pretty soon. I’ve been looking for jobs online but to land a big city job you basically need to already live there so I’ll just wait. It’s chill. I was a bartender in my early 20’s. I’ll just go back to that. Easy.”

Inspiring! Most people only wish that they could realistically afford to move to the city but Kenny is making this dream a reality. But what about if his band decides not to come with him? Once again, Kenny’s got it covered.

“I have a few connects in the city. I’m thinking I’ll play solo for a few weeks until I get discovered. Then I can start playing all of NYC’s famous rock clubs. Opening, of course. I wanna manage my expectations so I’m not disappointed by the realities of living there.”

So cool! We asked Kenny what else he was doing to prepare for his very real, very planned out move.

“I don’t need much. I do need to be able to keep my car so I’m gonna have to find a place with a driveway. I’m sure that won’t be too hard. And I’ll have to figure out what I’m gonna do with my cat. I mean, if anything I’ll just move near the city. Hell, the New York Jets and Giants play in New Jersey. It can’t be too bad of a commute.”

Close enough! We can’t wait to see where Kenny goes once he makes the big move. Super cool.

Man Regrets Not Checking if High School Bully Was Still Alive Before Spending Years Working Out

Posted on February 16, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

FOUNTAIN HILLS, Ariz. — Totally jacked local man Chris Wilkins reportedly spent years preparing his body for retribution on his high school bully Darren Tyler, only to find out yesterday that Tyler passed peacefully in his home several years ago.

“I’ve been going to the gym six days a week, training extensively in Krav Maga, and taking every bullshit sugar pill supplement Joe Rogan pushes. I’m healthier and stronger than I’ve ever been in my life, and for what? Nothing,” said the former pencil-necked geek Wilkins. “And the worst part? Darren died surrounded by his loved ones. I can’t even take solace in him dying from something embarrassing like, I don’t know, accidental castration riding a scooter, or buttchugging Steel Reserve.”

Wilkin’s later contacted Tyler’s widow, Angela Tyler, hoping to find some bit of information to “quench his thirst for vengeance.”

“After Darren passed, I got a lot of calls from his old friends. But I was surprised to hear from Chris, given his history with my husband,” said Tyler. “I explained that Darren expressed regret about how he treated him, but [Wilkins] wouldn’t hear it. Instead, he told me all about his workout regimen, and then made me listen to him punch a heavy bag for 10 minutes. I finally hung up when he said, ‘It really isn’t fair that God got to your husband before I had the chance.’”

More recently, police officer Don Gutierrez arrested Wilkins for trespassing at the local middle school, allegedly looking for bullies who “need to be taught a lesson.”

“He first told me he just wanted to ‘watch the boys,’ but then admitted he was specifically ‘looking for some street toughs so he could right a wrong,’ as if that was somehow better,” said Gutierrez. “Look, I get where he’s coming from, but beating up children is never the answer. And as a cop who spent the last two years on desk duty for roughing up black teens during a birthday, I should know.”

Wilkins was later found sitting on the curb outside a local bar, weeping hysterically after picking a fight and taking a single punch to the jaw.

We Revisit Sum-41’s “Underclass Hero” Because Our Walls Are Thin and Our Roommate Has Bad Taste

Posted on February 16, 2020 by Tara Marie

Sum-41 will forever be known as the band that made the bold stance of being not as good as Green Day, but worse than Good Charlotte. It was with Sum-41’s “Underclass Hero” that they really made a name for themselves in my household by being the album my roommate plays over and over cuz he’s sad.

This album reinvented punk in the same way my roommate Carl reinvented paying rent in that he does it poorly and not often.

“Underclass Hero” starts off strong and, for me, on the wrong foot. The themes of rising up and fighting against your oppressive government only really resonate with me. I too am being oppressed. I’m being forced to wake up to “Underclass Hero” at 8 A.M. on a Saturday because my roommate is not handling his break-up very well.

“We used to listen to this together,” he told me one time when I found him brushing his teeth over the sink, this album on loop on his phone sitting on top of the refrigerator, or at least I think that’s what he said because he was also attempting to sing along with the ending of “Dear Father,” and not cry. He was not doing any of those things particularly well.

However, the power of this album doesn’t affect merely Carl. I’ve felt moved by the haunting ballad “With Me” which takes me back to my own attempts to write Green Day songs and
how they failed as miserably as my roommate’s three month relationship.

Overall, this album is best when it’s not trying too hard, such as with the hidden track “Look at Me.” It’s a delight, because it means two minutes of absolute silence in my day, broken up only by the sad sobs Carl makes every morning, noon, and night. Maybe if Carl took a hint from that track and didn’t try so hard he could have kept whats-her-face interested for another month or two, but alas no.

Just like my roommate, this album obviously has gone through some shit and is trying; in the end “Underclass Hero” works as a great representation of Sum-41’s old-timey punk sound and my roommate in that both are nothing but piles of trash that the rest of us have to just sort of deal with.

Frontman Saves Mediocre Set by Doing Everything Venue Owners Politely Asked Him Not to Do

Posted on February 16, 2020 by Alexandra Houle

DAVIS, Calif. — Heavy metal band Despised Torture performed a destructive and dangerous set yesterday at The Velvet Cow, leaving the venue in disarray despite being politely asked by management to do the exact opposite.

“Yeah… this place is completely trashed. I’m talking complete tear-down with all the damage. The band’s frontman Diz [Fonto] was basically a one-man wrecking crew,” said showgoer Dan Lachman. “I know Diz personally — I was with him when he saw that dork from Bring Me the Horizon hang from the rafters the first time, and he’s never been the same since. It’s one thing to do it in a large venue with a thriving crowd, but there were eight of us there… including the rest of the band. Frankly, there were more people at Diz’s intervention last week.”

Unsurprisingly, Fonto had a different point of view.

“Hey, sometimes things get a little bit messy. That’s just rock‘n’roll. I didn’t become a musician to follow the fucking rules. Yes, the fascists that run this place begged me not to throw glass bottles at the wall, stomp on the stage monitor, and to not to hang from the pipes above the stage, but I was in the moment,” said Fonto. “And no, I don’t feel bad about what happened. It’s their own fault for running the main water line across the ceiling above the stage, and it’s their fault for not having flood insurance.”

Venue management wasn’t sure how to proceed following the disastrous set.

“We are fucked. So fucking fucked,” said venue owner Robby Robertson. “Would you look at my floorboards? They’ve been through the wars. The pipes on the ceiling? Hanging by threads. And did you know that after the pipe broke and he fell back to the stage, he claims he rolled his ankle? The little cunt had the audacity to say he was going to sue.”

“Fuck this,” he added. “I’m selling what’s left of the venue and moving to Florida.”

Later that evening, Fonto’s long-term girlfriend allegedly broke up with him after he left the venue with an unidentified young woman, in open defiance of his ex’s simple “don’t cheat on me anymore” rule.

Photo by Jack Bravstein.

GWAR asks NPR’s Tiny Desk Staff if They’re Ready to Get Their Assholes Ripped Open

Posted on February 15, 2020 by Rob Walker

WASHINGTON — Legendary metal band Gwar asked the staff of NPR’s Tiny Desk Concert series if “they were ready to get their assholes ripped open” yesterday before thrashing into a 30-minute set, leaving several tote bags soaked in blood and alien semen, horrified sources reported.

“Normally working security for NPR is a cush gig,” said Clint Maifeld, employee at Star Security Solutions. “Usually we get pretty tame acts, like Sheryl Crow or The Mountain Goats — everyone is always laid back and they let folks take pictures if they want. But when GWAR piled out of a skull-shaped van called the ‘Thunder-Thruster,’ I didn’t know what the hell to expect.”

“They were pretty polite when I was giving them their security passes, but then they said they’d be back to ‘fuck me to death later,’ which I found alarming,” added Maifeld.

“All Songs Considered” host Bob Boilen admitted he was surprised to see GWAR show up in full galactic Scumdog regalia.

“I stupidly thought the band would tone it down for an intimate performance like this, but I actually think it made them go even more over the top,” said Boilen while cleaning his workspace of viscera from the mock decapitations the band performed. “They brought what can only be described as a throbbing alien worm with several undulating teets. Three of our interns suffered minor injuries because the band fed them to the worm… and then sprayed those same interns with fake blood for eight minutes straight.”

For their part, GWAR seemed mildly surprised to be booked for the NPR program as well, before letting out a barbarian growl and kicking over a potted plant.

“When people book GWAR for a show, they expect a certain level of professionalism and theatricality. And we are going to put on the same show, whether there are 4,000 people or four scared office workers desperately trying to escape our wrath,” said Blöthar the Berserker, the band’s lead vocalist. “Which is why we had to spray our space-seed all over their fair-trade matcha lattes. GWAR kneels for no one: not the President, the Galactic Federation, or some whispering hipster apple-pickers.”

National Public Radio is currently having the carpets steam-cleaned and looking for a way to get stage-blood/sperm out of wool cardigans and vintage pork pie hats.

Struggling Actor Adds Hate5six Listing to IMDB

Posted on February 15, 2020 by Steve Yuen

LOS ANGELES — Struggling actor Malcolm Richards updated his IMDB profile yesterday to include an appearance in a live Hate5six video featuring the band Fury, confused sources report.

“I always try to keep my filmography entries up to date, and I’ve also filled out a lot of the trivia and even included a personal quote on the page,” an accomplished Richards stated. “My Hate5six appearance is just the first of many. Their cinematographer travels the world recording shows all the time — do you know how much screen time that equals for me? This is gonna be my year.”

Richards’ current boss Jeffery Chan, who manages a frozen yogurt shop in downtown Los Angeles, disputed Richards’ latest acting credit.

“What can I say, really? Jeff is a nice guy, but in his latest role he was credited as ‘hardcore kid #63,’ and apparently this is the most exposure he’s gotten from anything he’s been in,” Chan said. “We’ve actually gotten complaints from customers that he keeps trying to show everyone this video on his phone. I’ve really got to make sure he stops before it gets to corporate, but it’s almost too sad. I’m just gonna let him have his little fun with his little video, I guess.”

News of Richards’ career development reached his family via emails, Facebook updates, and multiple group texts.

“It’s great seeing little Malcolm participate in new films. I’m happy for him, but he needs to speak to the director more and apply himself so he can maybe get a speaking role,” said his grandmother, Gretchen Richards. “Even better, he could return to school and go back to working on his oceanography degree.”

Richards was most recently seen sharing the Hate5six Patreon on Facebook along with a post reading, “Hey everyone! Please support Hate5six in sharing these great videos! If you look closely, you just might see someone you know! Also, if anyone can get me in contact with Sunny Singh, I want to see if he wants to interview me for any DVD extras.”

Yoshi Becomes Proud Parent of Person They Just Ate

Posted on February 15, 2020 by Pat Cavanaugh

YOSHI’S ISLAND — Beloved dinosaur and Super Smash Bros. fighter Yoshi became the proud parent of Captain Falcon seconds after consuming him, sources say, lending a celebratory moment to a tense brawl on Yoshi’s Island. Captain Falcon hatched from the egg at 6 feet 8 inches tall, 310 pounds, and parent and child are both in good health.

“When I ate Captain Falcon, I was just looking to win a fight. Less than 5 seconds later, I laid an egg and became a parent. Everything changed,” said Yoshi, through tears. “Seeing my muscle-bound boy bust out of that egg and land on the battlefield made me realize there was more for me. I would die for that kid.”

Captain Falcon, who was 37 years old when Yoshi gave birth to him, was confused at first, but is open to accepting Yoshi’s new role in his life.

“One minute you’re running around throwing falcon punches left and right, and before you know it you’re hatching from an egg,” Captain Falcon laughed. “I had already dealt 73% damage before I got eaten, and I fully intended on getting a win. But I guess I need to back down and show some respect because I’m Yoshi’s son now…I’m still getting used to that.”

“Faaaalconnnnn son!” he added.

Captain Falcon’s not alone in struggling to understand the complexities of being swallowed and hatched by Yoshi. In fact, many experts disagree on what constitutes birth, parentage, and identity in these special cases.

“Yoshi lays eggs in a way that is distinct from all other known reptiles, and scientists are still studying if genes transfer during reproduction,” said Marcus Swensen, chair of the Department of Ecology and Evolutionary Biology at Princeton University. “There are also unanswered philosophical questions with Yoshi eggs. If a Yoshi eats you and then you emerge from its egg, does that mean you are born of its flesh? Are you reborn? Is it even a birth? Have you died and now Yoshi has hatched a meat clone of you that has all of your memories, a sort of parasite that will take your job, your friends, your family? It’s all very interesting to consider.”

At press time, Yoshi joyfully announced it would be expecting a second child seconds after swallowing King Dedede.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Stop Asking Me to Play Folk Punk Just Because I’m an Opossum

Posted on February 15, 2020 by Erin McLaughlin

Yes, I hang out in abandoned box cars behind the railroad tracks. Yes, I guard a banjo in front of my trash palace of cigarettes and empty beer bottles. Yes, I hang out with 35-year-old men who busk to Johnny Hobo and the Freight trains covers. And yes, I am a marsupial with a long ass tail who eats ticks and screams if you come near me. One thing I am NOT is “folk punk” and you need to stop assuming that I am just because I’m a regular, normal opossum.

Just last night, I trailed over to the 7-Eleven parking lot to dumpster dive like a regular opossum. When I got there some asshole kids smoking cheap cigarettes in the parking lot asked me to play washboard in their folk punk band. I tried to get them to back off by screaming at them but all that did was land me backing vocal duties too.

I’m tired of people assuming I know every AJJ lyric. I’m tired of people asking me if they can bum a Lucky Strike. Most of all, I’m tired of bands with names like “Dishwasher Mischief” and “Humble Rat” asking me to do an EP split with them in their parents’ bathtub.

So next time you see an opossum hanging out in your garbage can with their banjo and Ole English 40 oz., do us all a favor and leave us be! I am not going to cover a Ghost Mice song for you, nor will I EVER write lyrics about trying to get sober again (mostly because I refuse to try to get sober again).

Stop acting like opossums are your personal folk punk side-kicks. But most of all, please stop talking to me about goddamn New Mexico. I used to live there on my friend’s couch, I know how sick it is.

Next time you want a folk punk mascot find a raccoon. We’re more into grunge. Also, could I bum an American Spirit?

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