FOUNTAIN HILLS, Ariz. — Totally jacked local man Chris Wilkins reportedly spent years preparing his body for retribution on his high school bully Darren Tyler, only to find out yesterday that Tyler passed peacefully in his home several years ago.
“I’ve been going to the gym six days a week, training extensively in Krav Maga, and taking every bullshit sugar pill supplement Joe Rogan pushes. I’m healthier and stronger than I’ve ever been in my life, and for what? Nothing,” said the former pencil-necked geek Wilkins. “And the worst part? Darren died surrounded by his loved ones. I can’t even take solace in him dying from something embarrassing like, I don’t know, accidental castration riding a scooter, or buttchugging Steel Reserve.”
Wilkin’s later contacted Tyler’s widow, Angela Tyler, hoping to find some bit of information to “quench his thirst for vengeance.”
“After Darren passed, I got a lot of calls from his old friends. But I was surprised to hear from Chris, given his history with my husband,” said Tyler. “I explained that Darren expressed regret about how he treated him, but [Wilkins] wouldn’t hear it. Instead, he told me all about his workout regimen, and then made me listen to him punch a heavy bag for 10 minutes. I finally hung up when he said, ‘It really isn’t fair that God got to your husband before I had the chance.’”
More recently, police officer Don Gutierrez arrested Wilkins for trespassing at the local middle school, allegedly looking for bullies who “need to be taught a lesson.”
“He first told me he just wanted to ‘watch the boys,’ but then admitted he was specifically ‘looking for some street toughs so he could right a wrong,’ as if that was somehow better,” said Gutierrez. “Look, I get where he’s coming from, but beating up children is never the answer. And as a cop who spent the last two years on desk duty for roughing up black teens during a birthday, I should know.”
Wilkins was later found sitting on the curb outside a local bar, weeping hysterically after picking a fight and taking a single punch to the jaw.